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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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  • I was at the local baths today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.
    The Lifeguard must have notice.
    He blew his whistle so fxxking loud, i nearly fell in.




  • I visited the Patent office to register some of my Camping Inventions.

    I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

    She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

    I said, "A folding bottle."

    She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

    "A Fottle."

    "What else do you have?"

    "I have also invented a folding carton."

    Again she said, "what do you call it?"

    "A Farton."

    She sniggered and said,

    "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."




    I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket


    _____________________________________________




    For Sale Washer And Dryer




  • Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior.
    The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
    “No,” says Mother Superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
    “All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
    “No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
    “Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”
    “No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?”
    The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along… you’ve been dating a penguin!”




  • Musical joke for all you sophisticated people out there-what is very brown and sits on a piano stool? Beethovens last movement.




  • ^^^
    No, it's a stool on a stool!


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  • More like a bum note..




  • dolanbaker wrote: »
    ^^^
    No, it's a stool on a stool!
    K.Flyer wrote: »
    More like a bum note..

    What you say again?




  • Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    Runyp

    Runyp who?




  • Customer: Hello, can I have one of the chocolate bars with purple wrap?
    Shopkeeper: Turkish?
    Customer: Merhaba, mor sarması olan çikolata çubuklarından birine sahip olabilir miyim?
    Shopkeeper: Get out of my shop.




  • Probably repeating someone else's post now, sorry:o


    Latest headlines:

    "Stationery shop moves"


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  • I'll probably get banned for this:

    Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.




  • I visited the Patent office to register some of my Camping Inventions.

    I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

    She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

    I said, "A folding bottle."

    She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

    "A Fottle."

    "What else do you have?"

    "I have also invented a folding carton."

    Again she said, "what do you call it?"

    "A Farton."

    She sniggered and said,

    "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."




    I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket



    Syl Fox?




  • Syl Fox?


    Yeah the Funny Fox, lovely man seen him lots of times in The Donaghmede Inn

    Here's another one I heard him tell.


    Lone Ranger wakes up, steps out of the tent to see Tonto with his ear to ground.

    What is it Tonto?

    Buffalo come, replies Tonto

    You can tell that from the vibrations you feel?



    No - Ground Sticky




  • -My daughter has gone to Malawi
    -Lilongwe?
    -Yes, about 5000 miles




  • Knock Knock...

    Who's there?

    Biggish

    Biggish Who?

    No thanks...




  • I said to the wife, I've got a problem.
    She replied. "No we have a problem.
    We are a couple, we're a unit."
    "Your problem is my problem. We are in this together."

    " Over whelmed with relief, I said, "it's hardly worth mentioning now," but she was insistent on knowing.
    " What is the problem?"
    I then had to explain to her that, " WE have got your sister pregnant!




  • f2D6mpa.jpg




  • Martin McGuinness arrives at the Pearly Gates, there's no-one around so he rattles them until he sees some activity.

    St Peter comes out to the gates, recognises Martin and says "Heck, I wasn't expecting to see you up here".

    Martin replies "I don't know why not, I phoned half an hour ago with a warning".




  • A Man with Authority walks into a Bar and Orders everyone a round!




  • Where do you go dancing in California?

    San Frandisco


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  • My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.




  • I'll probably get banned for this:

    Did you hear the joke about the German sausage? It was the wurst.

    What's the first thing a german does when making breakfast?

    Invade the kitchen.




  • What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

    People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.




  • For years I thought my wife had Tourettes.

    Turns out she really does think I'm a Cnut and wants me to fook off.




  • During a job interview:
    "What is your greatest weakness?"
    "Honesty."
    "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
    "I don't give a fuck what you think."




  • I started a boat business in the attic.

    The sails are going through the roof.




  • As well as having enjoyed a successful career with A-ha, Morton Harket also invented Norway's first martial art, Tae Kwon Meeeee...




  • One day in the jungle, a chimpanzee was inventing some tools to eat his dinner.

    One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

    The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point.

    He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

    The chimp was very proud of his inventions, which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.

    One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing.

    The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

    First he came upon the lion.
    ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

    ”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

    Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
    ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

    ”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

    Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
    ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

    ”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”

    ”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.

    ”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.

    ”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.






    ”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater Jaguar!”




  • ^^^need to post that in the motors forum:D


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  • ^^^need to post that in the motors forum:D

    Apt username.


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