The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

the_pen_turner · 19-09-2017 11:55am

2 Vicars in their lovely Devon parishes meet up every Tuesday for lunch at a pub in between the 2 villages. They always go for a ride on their bikes afterwards. One week one of the Vicars turns up very late, out of breath and no bike. The other asks where his bike is. And the reply is it’s been stolen from outside the church. “The problem is I don’t want to offend any of parishioners however it must have been one of them that took it I don’t know what to do” The other Vicar says my advice would be at your service next Sunday go through the 10 commandments when you get to “thou shall not steal” the guilty party will realise the error of his ways and return your bike. The following week the vicar turns up on his bike, his colleague says “The ten commandments speech worked I see” the other vicar says “Sort of, when I got to “thou shall not commit adultery” I remembered where I left it!!... boom boom

milltown · 19-09-2017 2:17pm

Gerry goes to see his doctor and tells him that he's unable to make his wife orgasm and it's become a problem in their marriage. The doctor gives him a quick physical and can't find anything wrong, so starts quizzing him about other possible causes.
"Is your bedroom too hot or too cold?" he asks. Gerry tells him it's actually stifling in there, so the doctor suggests he get an air conditioner. "There's no way I could afford that on my wages" he says.
The doctor asks if Gerry has a close, trusted friend who he could ask to stand at the end of the bed and wave a towel to keep them cool.
"I could ask my mate Tommy, I suppose" says Gerry.
That night, Tommy comes over and proceeds to wave the towel while Gerry gets to work. After half an hour the earth still hasn't moved so Gerry calls a halt.
"This isn't working. Let's swap places for a bit" Gerry says.
Tommy strips down and mounts up and within five minutes Gerry's wife is screaming "Oh God! I'm coming!" When things have calmed down and everyone has their breath back, Gerry turns to Tommy and says...
"Now THATS how you wave a towel!"

byrner88 · 19-09-2017 3:54pm

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

7 Seconds... · 19-09-2017 8:23pm

Who's Guilty?

A husband & wife are asleep in bed when suddenly the wife shouts: "Up! Quick! My husband is home!".

The husband gets up, jumps out of the window.

Capt'n Midnight · 19-09-2017 9:04pm

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" He asked.

"Our son has got an imaginary friend," said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop, and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." Said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

MonkieSocks · 19-09-2017 11:15pm

I just got home from work early and found the missus on a porn site.

She'd better have a bloody good explanation when she gets home!

New Home · 19-09-2017 11:22pm

^^^
[For a second I thought I was on the TA thread.... :rolleyes:]

Loafing Oaf · 19-09-2017 11:41pm

New Home wrote: »

^^^
[For a second I thought I was on the TA thread.... :rolleyes:]

Or the T&A thread!

128679851668472808-jpg.185687

branie2 · 20-09-2017 10:01am

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves are in a serious car crash. Gardaí and ambulance men at the scene think all are dead until they hear a faint voice calling from the wreckage. "Mayo will win the All Ireland" said the faint voice.
"Oh thank God" said the Garda. "At least Dopey is still alive"

7 Seconds... · 20-09-2017 3:02pm

What's the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will search for a golf ball.

7 Seconds... · 20-09-2017 3:05pm

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here’s something I have that you'll never have."

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, "My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"

20-09-2017 6:43pm

Unless she looks like this, no one (except Compo) will want to go anywhere near it!

7 Seconds... · 20-09-2017 8:44pm

Police: Where do u live?
Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With Me.

Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.

Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me if I tell you.

Police: Tell Me!
Me: Next to my house.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 20-09-2017 8:48pm

A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage…. The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

7 Seconds... · 20-09-2017 8:54pm

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Capt'n Midnight · 20-09-2017 9:23pm

A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink, and says. "Put it on my bill"

Capt'n Midnight · 20-09-2017 10:50pm

Went into the barbers today and said... "I'd like my hair cut like Tom Cruise"

He picked me up under my arms and sat me on a cushion.

Capt'n Midnight · 21-09-2017 5:43pm

If a man speaks in a forest and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong ?

7 Seconds... · 21-09-2017 5:47pm

Why are men as bad at having sex as they are at driving?

Because they always pull out, without giving a damn for who else might be coming.

munster87 · 21-09-2017 7:38pm

Can I come too... wrote: »

Why are men as bad at having sex as they are at driving?

Because they always pull out, without giving a damn for who else might be coming.

Apt username

snowflaker · 21-09-2017 10:54pm

I call my vagina "New Yorker cartoon" because it's dry and a handful of people have laughed at it

snowflaker · 21-09-2017 10:59pm

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

the_pen_turner · 21-09-2017 11:20pm

After a long night of making love, Danny rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Sheila if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Sheila replied, "That's me before the operation."

Paddy Cow · 22-09-2017 11:13am

Sinn Fein have more chance of getting an All-Ireland than Mayo :pac:

DEFTLEFTHAND · 23-09-2017 5:00am

Heard a really blue one tonight.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are both walking down a street when they encounter a 10 year old boy.

Priest says, "Do you wanna Fcuk him?"

The Rabbi says, "Out of what"?

Capt'n Midnight · 23-09-2017 10:18pm

I brought a dog off the local iron mongers today.

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Capt'n Midnight · 24-09-2017 12:41am

Useless fact of the day:

Neil Armstrong's name when read backwards is "Gnorts Mr. Alien"

branie2 · 24-09-2017 1:00pm

Dad: Go to your room
Son: Jim Morrison is so overrated!
Dad: What did I tell you about slamming the Doors?!

jaykay74 · 24-09-2017 1:12pm

The phone rings and the wife answers. A pervert breathing heavily says "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair". The wife replies "yes I do, he is watching tv, who will I say is calling?"

7 Seconds... · 24-09-2017 8:34pm

What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but the daddies end up playing with them.

MonkieSocks · 25-09-2017 6:11pm

Murphy applied for a fork-lift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Polish man applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications,
they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job".

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that?
We both got 19 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job".

Manager:
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong".

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?".

Manager: "That's simple.

On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know'.

You put down,

'Neither do I'".

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2017 9:08pm

Went on a date with a girl from the Stock Exchange.

I knew it was going well when she started playing FTSE with me under the table!

patmac · 26-09-2017 4:06pm

NEW CEO
The Allied Steel Company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a
new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make about €400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came
back in two minutes, and handed the guy €1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from
Domino's."

Ipso · 26-09-2017 5:02pm

What's big, hard and pink in the morning?

The crossword in the Financial Times.

Wombatman · 26-09-2017 5:17pm

f(x) = 2x + 5 walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a toasted ham, cheese and onion.

The barman says "Sorry. We don't carter for functions".

.................................................................................

A woodworm walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?".

foxy farmer · 26-09-2017 5:26pm

A public school raises it's fees but sends out letters mistakenly saying the new fees should be paid "per anum" instead of "per annum".
One parent sends back a reply stating while he had no problem paying the increased fees he would prefer to continue paying through the nose.

the_pen_turner · 27-09-2017 1:06am

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new
girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a
$5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you
understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweler
said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old guy seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
check "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it
now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's
no
money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you even imagine the kind of weekend that I had?"

byrner88 · 28-09-2017 3:38am

Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Especially when you weren't wearing one when you started.

philstar · 28-09-2017 9:45am

Hugh Hefner dead rumours are not true.

That's just how the playbunnys describe him in bed.

7 Seconds... · 01-10-2017 9:21pm

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

7 Seconds... · 01-10-2017 9:26pm

And God said to Moses, come forth and see the light.

He went fifth and got a hairdryer.

7 Seconds... · 01-10-2017 9:31pm

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said "40".

sligojoek · 01-10-2017 10:13pm

philstar wrote: »

Hugh Hefner dead rumours are not true.

That's just how the playbunnys describe him in bed.

He's stiffer now than he's been in 20 years.

02-10-2017 7:44am

sligojoek wrote: »

He's stiffer now than he's been in 20 years.

Well at least he doesn't need the Viagra anymore.

7 Seconds... · 02-10-2017 7:49pm

I can't dance to save my life. But the moment I step in dog poop I can moon walk better than Michael Jackson.

7 Seconds... · 02-10-2017 7:52pm

If you were born in September, it's pretty obvious your parents started their new year off with a bang.

Capt'n Midnight · 02-10-2017 8:49pm

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.

And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

02-10-2017 9:17pm

Wonderful English from Around the World "*(for the hard of hearing)

"In a Bangkok Temple*":
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

*"Cocktail lounge, Norway"*:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR

*"Doctor's office, Rome"*:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

*"Dry cleaners, Bangkok"*:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

*"In a Nairobi restaurant"*:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
.
*"In a City restaurant"*:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

*"In a Cemetery"*:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

*"Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations"*:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

*"On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant"*:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

*"In a Tokyo Bar"*:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

*"Hotel, Yugoslavia"*:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*"Hotel, Japan"*:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

*"In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery"*:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

*"A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest"*:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

*"Hotel, Zurich"*:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

*"Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand"*:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

*"Airline ticket office, Copenhagen"*:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like Qantas!!!)

*"A Laundry in Rome"*:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

*"And finally the all time classic:"**" "**"Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window"*:
IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…
…. Priceless

MonkieSocks · 03-10-2017 10:11pm

There was this really Fat bloke, waddling along down the road.

A rather Bumptoious woman saw him and remarked,

'If that Belly had been on a Woman she would be Pregnant'

Without breaking step, he replied,

'It has been ,And she is'

byrner88 · 03-10-2017 11:55pm

Paddy's out the back garden and he sees the next door neighbour throwing seeds all over the garden.

"Jaysis Mick, what are you at now?"

"Well Paddy, just throwing out some elephant repellant"

"There's no elephants around here Paddy!"

"I know Mick. Super stuff isn't it!"

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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