The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88 wrote: »

Just got fired from my job as a gynecologist.

Apparently its "Inappropriate" to sing "Chim chiminey, Chim chim cher-oo!" while you work.

I got the bullet from the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time a client walked in.

How do you make holy water?







Boil the hell out of it

Who is Hobin Rood?

clue: he steals from the poor, and gives to the rich.

Why do people think crotchless knickers are sexy?

I tried them and my girlfriend couldn't stop laughing at my bollocks swinging out of the gap.

waynescales1 wrote: »

Anyone hear about the man that drowned in a bowl of muesli?

A strong currant pulled him in.

That’s nuts.

What do you call nasal sex?


Fúck nose!

Some hippies were walking along a beach, puffing on joints and dropping the butts.

They left no tern unstoned.

I was seeing two girls called Marjorie and Catriona. They were grand but annoying. I met someone else and split up with them and it them hard. I saw them blubbering in a bar and had to do something. Knowing how much they loved Madonna I tried to cheer them up by crooning them with my all time favourite ‘don’t cry for me Marje and Tina, the truth is I never loved you’.

I didn’t learn my lesson. Next girl I was seeing was Lorraine. She was never going to last but didn’t have the heart to break up. That was until I met Clara. I knew I had to finish it. I think she got the message when I told her my fave karaoke song was Jimmy Cliff’s ‘I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone’

I've decided to set up a small business to buy old, unwanted jewellery.

If you want a valuation, give me a ring.

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Eric"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Eric. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Eric, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Eric. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Eric , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Eric, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Eric .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Eric. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

But apparently she moved out, the shoe was up for rent.

They say she got the boot.

Will the person who lost their iPhone outside Tesco.

Please stop ringing my new fuk'n number.

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

A man walks into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asks for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter
Walking into the back room the boy says to his manager "some tosser wants to buy half a head of lettuce" as he finished his sentence he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly said "and this gentleman offered to buy the other half"

The manager approved the deal and later said to the boy "that was quick thinking I was impressed with how you handled that situation, I like someone who thinks on their feet.

"Where are you from son?"
"Originally from Finglas sir"
"And why did you leave Finglas?"
The boy answered "Sir there is nothing there but footballers and whores"
"really?" said the manager "my wifes from Finglas"

"No s***t the boy replied "Who does she play for?

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said: “I bet I know what you’re favourite festival is.”

He replied: “Have to love Easter baby.”

^^^^^^^^^^^

ha ha!

I got home and my wife is watching a film with a tear in her eye,

"What's this old **** you're watching, and who's that miserable **** in the suit? " I asked.

"It's you, and it's our wedding video, " she replied.

goodbyenight wrote: »

What is the local newspaper in north County Wexford called?

The Gorey Details.

Ooh, I wouldn't have the guts for that!