What's the etiquette here??

EmmetSpiceland · 19-04-2019 3:28pm

Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

Brendan Bendar · 19-04-2019 7:24pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

Tip of washing up liquid around the rim of the balloon knot should soften up the ‘drawstring’.

JohnnyFlash · 19-04-2019 7:40pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

Sinking a few pints myself, Emmet. Decided to hit the pub straight after the ceremonies at 3PM. Had a massive feed of fish and chips as well, so mixing that with 10 pints of beer is probably a recipe for disaster. Will be putting a roll of toilet paper in the fridge later in case things are particularly nasty in the morning. Was hoping I’d be boning some young one later, but I don’t want to wake up in her place with a desperate need to take a Donald.

Brendan Bendar · 19-04-2019 7:50pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Sinking a few pints myself, Emmet. Decided to hit the pub straight after the ceremonies at 3PM. Had a massive feed of fish and chips as well, so mixing that with 10 pints of beer is probably a recipe for disaster. Will be putting a roll of toilet paper in the fridge later in case things are particularly nasty in the morning. Was hoping I’d be boning some young one later, but I don’t want to wake up in her place with a desperate need to take a Donald.

You’d have a stem like Gonzo’s nose after that lot John, no doubt about that.

Even the sniff of Fr. Fintan Cuddys soutane wouldn’t give you wood.

Go to bed ,lad.

JohnnyFlash · 19-04-2019 7:57pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You’d have a stem like Gonzo’s nose after that lot John, no doubt about that.

Even the sniff of Fr. Fintan Cuddys soutane wouldn’t give you wood.

Go to bed ,lad.

No problem getting a stiffy up, hombre. You could hang a cheap door on me ‘bride frightener’. Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.

Brendan Bendar · 19-04-2019 8:03pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

No problem getting a stiffy up, hombre. You could hang a cheap door on me ‘bride frightener’. Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.

You don’t fool this poster John, next thing you’ll be telling me you can hang two bricks off the weapon.

When in reality you couldn’t hang a damp hankie.

The lasses don’t mind if the bag is empty, little bit of glitter on the Knob is the big turn on.

Few heavy duty rubber bands around the ‘neck’ is good idea too.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-04-2019 12:26pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Problem with sinking that many pints is there’s almost no chance of shooting the load - nearly burned me arse off the lightbulb a few weeks ago I was boning her so hard, but nada, nah, nothing.

God, I do remember having that happen a few times alright, long ago now obviously.

You’d be hammering away like a jackhammer getting nothing but sweat and exhaustion while herself would be singing out the high Cs of the “Penis Angelicus”.

JuanBerrosa · 20-04-2019 12:31pm

I remember a portly American lad I worked with came into the jacks and into the stall next to me - it's America so great big gaps in the doors and a poxy 2 foot gap at the floor.
Down goes the cacks and he started dropping stink bombs like he was throwing fistfulls of tripe into the water from a ****ing height.

Finished off with a long watery fart and a satisfied grunt.
Jaysus it was ****ing rotten, and then the stink hit me, could have stripped paint of the walls and knocked a troop of bombay sewage workers out - to borrow a few examples from the thread!

JohnnyFlash · 20-04-2019 12:40pm

JuanBerrosa wrote: »

I remember a portly American lad I worked with came into the jacks and into the stall next to me - it's America so great big gaps in the doors and a poxy 2 foot gap at the floor.
Down goes the cacks and he started dropping stink bombs like he was throwing fistfulls of tripe into the water from a ****ing height.

Finished off with a long watery fart and a satisfied grunt.
Jaysus it was ****ing rotten, and then the stink hit me, could have stripped paint of the walls and knocked a troop of bombay sewage workers out - to borrow a few examples from the thread!

They eat loads of that vile Kraft Mac and Cheese as well so you get a real fent of oily cheese sauce from their discharges. Dirty bastards.

TomasMacR · 20-04-2019 1:02pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Well, pride certainly comes before a fall. Just had a terrible experience on this “Good” Friday. Terrible.

While the evac was textbook the clean up was anything but, if you’ll pardon the pun. Was like wiping a marker. Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe...wipe...wipe. It was endless! Thankfully I got there in the end but it really hasn’t helped my mood and I’m worried I damaged the integrity of the brass eye.

Thank Christ they’ve done away with that ridiculous drinks ban and I’ll be able to sink a few pints of stout to settle my nerves later on.

Speaking of clean ups, the one thing that is really putting me off taking a sh*t in a public jacks is not the disgusting animal next door who is letting out last nights curry rice chips trio and the breakfast roll hes had for breakfast and lunch, but it is this new trend where they have the toilet paper vaulted in this cylinder thing which in the centre, ironically enough, the dispenser looks like a puckered up ars*hole and only dispenses one miserable sheet of the cheapest cardboard like paper. How tightfisted are these places to be putting these in? When did jacksroll become such a valuable commodity and why as a paying customer in most of these place must you be subjected to it. You can be stood there with your bags around your ankles and sh*tty hoop for over a minute pulling single sheets out trying to get a decent clump of paper to do the job. I learned the hard way, you've to be patient also, I took a shortcut once and ended up with 4 fingers covered in sh*te

Hector Savage · 20-04-2019 2:34pm

TomasMacR wrote: »

Speaking of clean ups, the one thing that is really putting me off taking a sh*t in a public jacks is not the disgusting animal next door who is letting out last nights curry rice chips trio and the breakfast roll hes had for breakfast and lunch, but it is this new trend where they have the toilet paper vaulted in this cylinder thing which in the centre, ironically enough, the dispenser looks like a puckered up ars*hole and only dispenses one miserable sheet of the cheapest cardboard like paper. How tightfisted are these places to be putting these in? When did jacksroll become such a valuable commodity and why as a paying customer in most of these place must you be subjected to it. You can be stood there with your bags around your ankles and sh*tty hoop for over a minute pulling single sheets out trying to get a decent clump of paper to do the job. I learned the hard way, you've to be patient also, I took a shortcut once and ended up with 4 fingers covered in sh*te

True yeah, I always try to do a job and just open them up a different way, can't do it without breaking the feckin things!

feck it, I had a good sh1te story there and now I forget it !!

Ah it will come to me ... anyway feeling the oul rusty sheriffs badge twitching myself, better go take care of some business

*grabs a good book ...

JuanBerrosa · 21-04-2019 4:07pm

Ever read Irvine Welsh ?
Some of the scenes in his books are utterly rank, scatological is not even beginning to describe it ..

Hector Savage · 21-04-2019 8:06pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Tip of washing up liquid around the rim of the balloon knot should soften up the ‘drawstring’.

Jaysus! would that not sting a bit ?
Vaseline be a better choice surely ?

ToddyDoody · 21-04-2019 8:27pm

...and they want to bring in mixed restrooms when this type of shyte goes on in the gents!

Hector Savage · 21-04-2019 8:55pm

ToddyDoody wrote: »

...and they want to bring in mixed restrooms when this type of shyte goes on in the gents!

It might clean up our behaviour, having said that I do like to let rip when sitting on the throne.

So I say Nein to mixed jacks.

Brendan Bendar · 21-04-2019 9:02pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Jaysus! would that not sting a bit ?
Vaseline be a better choice surely ?

Yes it would, but I’m assuming it’s a bit of an emergency.

Holding a good solid baton on the clutch for a while can stretch the drawstring which is good if a lad is a little bound.

JohnnyFlash · 21-04-2019 9:36pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Yes it would, but I’m assuming it’s a bit of an emergency.

Holding a good solid baton on the clutch for a while can stretch the drawstring which is good if a lad is a little bound.

Doubt a coffin dodger such as yourself has much clutch control these days.

Voodoomelon · 21-04-2019 10:39pm

There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

Brendan Bendar · 21-04-2019 10:50pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

Doubt a coffin dodger such as yourself has much clutch control these days.

Au contraire,Johann, took part in the monthly medal yesterday and after a feed of sausage rolls in the filling station on the way down,got serious ‘warning’ from the backpipe that there was a ‘big ‘un’ basting in the oven,on the second tee.

Panicked a wee bit as the shítter was near the seventh green!!

By the sixth tee it was serious, almost ‘crowned out’ and it took all my expertise to ‘ride the clutch’ to the seventh green.

Didn’t get the kex quite clear before sluicing out a buttery loaf ,but luckily ‘in off the crossbar’as they say.

Not a pleasant experience, but showed valve control which was heartening.

JohnnyFlash · 21-04-2019 11:16pm

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

Au contraire,Johann, took part in the monthly medal yesterday and after a feed of sausage rolls in the filling station on the way down,got serious ‘warning’ from the backpipe that there was a ‘big ‘un’ basting in the oven,on the second tee.

Panicked a wee bit as the shítter was near the seventh green!!

By the sixth tee it was serious, almost ‘crowned out’ and it took all my expertise to ‘ride the clutch’ to the seventh green.

Didn’t get the kex quite clear before sluicing out a buttery loaf ,but luckily ‘in off the crossbar’as they say.

Not a pleasant experience, but showed valve control which was heartening.

How did you play from the 2nd to the 7th? Can’t be easy make a difficult putt while prairie dogging. I had a similar issue when playing St Anne’s a few weeks back. No facilities on course at all, so just headed into the dunes and emptied me guts into a rabbit hole. Then cleaned up with a spare pair of socks I had in the bag. Shot an 81 so there was no ill effects.

Hector Savage · 22-04-2019 10:03am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

How did you play from the 2nd to the 7th? Can’t be easy make a difficult putt while prairie dogging. I had a similar issue when playing St Anne’s a few weeks back. No facilities on course at all, so just headed into the dunes and emptied me guts into a rabbit hole. Then cleaned up with a spare pair of socks I had in the bag. Shot an 81 so there was no ill effects.

Good man Johhny, It was probably more luxurious then the jacks they have at the St. Annes "office" over by the tennis courts, jesus you wouldn't let your dog crap in the place.

Hector Savage · 22-04-2019 10:04am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

Art!

Brendan Bendar · 22-04-2019 11:37am

Hector Savage wrote: »

Art!

There’s always a whack of scallops and smoked salmon in those gaffs, I find.

Agree though, that the facilities are excellent.

safeasparagus · 22-04-2019 9:57pm

This thread is absolute gold .

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 8:08am

My brother once had me spoofed that there was this really really expensive restaurant where the toilets weren't connected to plumbing,
Like a throne where the fat royal arse ejected their golden midden into a pot below, the pot was full of scented roses and herbs - and a candle (wtf!!)
Each toilet had it's own personal cleaner that would make the place presentable to the next user.

He had me believing this for weeks one summer holiday.

He finally went too far when he told me some fat lad sat on the royal seat and created a seal with his massive fat hole, let off a massive fart and the gas exploded by the candle - propelling him and about 10KG of sh1t into the ceiling.
Even 10 year old me knew this was total bollocks.

Brendan Bendar · 23-04-2019 8:33am

Hector Savage wrote: »

My brother once had me spoofed that there was this really really expensive restaurant where the toilets weren't connected to plumbing,
Like a throne where the fat royal arse ejected their golden midden into a pot below, the pot was full of scented roses and herbs - and a candle (wtf!!)
Each toilet had it's own personal cleaner that would make the place presentable to the next user.

He had me believing this for weeks one summer holiday.

He finally went too far when he told me some fat lad sat on the royal seat and created a seal with his massive fat hole, let off a massive fart and the gas exploded by the candle - propelling him and about 10KG of sh1t into the ceiling.
Even 10 year old me knew this was total bollocks.

Interesting stuff Hector..... wouldn’t rule it out.

Rough justice sometimes happens.... friend of mine was baking ‘unstable ordnance’ after a night out in London.

Was walking towards his workplace when it became clear that an explosion was imminent.

Slipped into a pub...totally empty..just a bar man behind the counter.

“Toilet mate”says our hero thru clenched sphincter...”Customers only mate” says the tool behind the bar..cue low gurgling from the nethers....”Right set me up a Bloody Mary,lot of ice,Tabasco,shaken well,I’ll sort out when I come back”

“Grunt” from behind the counter”Downstairs”

Over hero proceeds down stairs and notices a door open to the street where lads were delivering kegs and bottles

“No time to lose” says he, into the tiny toilet drops the kex and hoses a stream of loose midden over the furniture,pan,floor, and even had enough ‘ordnance’ to spray the small hand basin in the corner.

Looked like someone spilled a 4litre can of badly stirred decking stain around the area.

Cleaned up....even had the foresight to leave a note stuck to wall”Cancel the Bloody Mary mate” before slipping past the loading crew”Sorry lads, left phone in the car, back in a tick’’

It sure if that was true or not, but it taught that sour barman a lesson if it was.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 8:50am

Reminds me of a time when I was in college, I decided to walk the 20/30 mins or so to DCU - after having about 8 weetabix for breakfast.
Jesus, I almost didn't make it, I was walking like John Wayne with a done in back for the last 100m or so, for those that know DCU I just made it into T101 (the round lecture hall first place with a jacks at the old entrance).
At least with the Weetabix it was a good solid load, the size of the thing though would have been a shipping hazard when it finally got out to Dublin Bay.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 10:11am

My workplace has only two stalls in the sh1tter downstairs. There's total silence down there unfortunately, so one could hear a pin drop. Excellent acoustics too, so any sound is amplified. It's like a amphitheatre sh1tter.

There's nothing worse when you're taking a serene dump and some cnut comes in and starts gasping and spluttering out farts in the stall next to you.

Some people have absolutely no shame.

padd b1975 · 23-04-2019 10:25am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

My workplace has only two stalls in the sh1tter downstairs. There's total silence down there unfortunately, so one could hear a pin drop. Excellent acoustics too, so any sound is amplified. It's like a amphitheatre sh1tter.

There's nothing worse when you're taking a serene dump and some cnut comes in and starts gasping and spluttering out farts in the stall next to you.

Some people have absolutely no shame.

Most likely a connoisseur of Pat McDonagh's fine dining.
Probably had at least a gallon of Guinness waiting to be "processed" as well.

Best advice would be to engage a "low oven setting", get the hell out of there and return when the air quality readings have improved.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 10:53am

padd b1975 wrote: »

Most likely a connoisseur of Pat McDonagh's fine dining.
Probably had at least a gallon of Guinness waiting to be "processed" as well.

Best advice would be to engage a "low oven setting", get the hell out of there and return when the air quality readings have improved.

I’d be a very regular visitor to Pat’s eatin’ houses - usually circa 1.30 and with a belly full of porter consumed.

I can confirm that 8 pints of porter, a snackbox, garlic and cheese chips, and onion rings is not a healthy combination for the digestive system the next day. Best to stay in base and sort out the issue in the comfort of your home, rather than have to find and invariably destroy a public convenience.

TomasMacR · 23-04-2019 11:06am

Voodoomelon wrote: »

There are few greater feelings than emptying the bowels at the expensive of a 5 star establishment.

More than once i've taken a 30 minute diversion through the city to avail of The Shelbournes quad ply arse napkins.
The trick is to be somewhat smartly dressed, a pair of sunglasses or papers in hand also add to the illusion of purpose on entering.

A slight nod to the doorman has he holds the door for you as you enter from the street, he nods back in mutual acknowledgement of what is about to unfold in the mahogany cubicles below. Make a beeline for the stairs, smile warmly at a cleaner as you pass on the stairs, as she'll be cursing you in 30 minutes time, porcelain scraper in hand.

You have to admire the guilded mirrors, the brass taps and wall fixtures, the reassuring clunk of the hardwood as you lock the cubicle door. There's a luxury alone in not even having to search for the right booth, you know they'll all be as equally clean and well appointed as the next. The doors traverse right up to the ceiling too, so complete privacy from the stench of the 5 star arses next door.

Beautiful porcelain that withstands the most potent of deposits, matched only by a toilet paper so thick you can get away with a single square per wipe. The temperature is so pleasant you could waste away 45 minutes in complete opulence.

Washing the hands is a joy in itself, perfectly tepid water and beautifully thick disposable hand towels, which always astound passengers when you reproduce a handful in the car later on.

Helps to be on the phone as you walk back through the lobby, you're a busy man, can't be stopping to talk to inquisitive doormen or staff.
Business as usual, what a glorious experience.

Thanks for the recommendation. If there’s two places you never want to take a dump in I’d say they’re a pub or a fast food restaurant. There’s a serious concentration of both of these around the Grafton street area. If you are ever stuck around here and you get that gurgle and your arsehole starts twitching there’s a hidden gem to take of matters, 4th floor of Brown Thomas. Pristine spotless shítter, tv with the news on, long thick heavy pine doors with no gaps above or below, thick concrete walls between traps...ultimate privacy levels. Highest quality Jacks roll that glides between your cheeks. After you’ve wrecked the toilet the sink area is another joy to behold. High quality bottled soap and thick quilted individual hand towels. Leaving thoroughly satisfied you’ve a nice trip down four sets of escalators where you can get some top notch perving done, exit with no awkward eye contact with a concierge that knows you just destroyed the jacks.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 11:11am

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I’d be a very regular visitor to Pat’s eatin’ houses - usually circa 1.30 and with a belly full of porter consumed.

I can confirm that 8 pints of porter, a snackbox, garlic and cheese chips, and onion rings is not a healthy combination for the digestive system the next day. Best to stay in base and sort out the issue in the comfort of your home, rather than have to find and invariably destroy a public convenience.

I too, am a pal of Pats cuisine subsequent to the imbibing of double digit porter.

It is fair to say that the following days 'deposits' can leave a man reeling. The initial movement is always fairly solid due to the soakage provided by the garlic cheese chips and burgers. Don't be fooled by this however as subsequent visits to the water closet will be a less static affair and tend to vary between scutter and solid.

Sh1t roulette, so to speak.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 11:14am

Friend of mine went to China on a business trip once, he said some of the traps there were worse then the bookies toilet in Trainspotting.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 11:55am

TomasMacR wrote: »

Thanks for the recommendation. If there’s two places you never want to take a dump in I’d say they’re a pub or a fast food restaurant. There’s a serious concentration of both of these around the Grafton street area. If you are ever stuck around here and you get that gurgle and your arsehole starts twitching there’s a hidden gem to take of matters, 4th floor of Brown Thomas. Pristine spotless shítter, tv with the news on, long thick heavy pine doors with no gaps above or below, thick concrete walls between traps...ultimate privacy levels. Highest quality Jacks roll that glides between your cheeks. After you’ve wrecked the toilet the sink area is another joy to behold. High quality bottled soap and thick quilted individual hand towels. Leaving thoroughly satisfied you’ve a nice trip down four sets of escalators where you can get some top notch perving done, exit with no awkward eye contact with a concierge that knows you just destroyed the jacks.

The sort of excellent and practical advice that Boards.ie is known for.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 12:00pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

The sort of excellent and practical advice that Boards.ie is known for.

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 12:06pm

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

That’s solid and practical advice for the novice as well. There’s a shortage of easy to access shîtters in the city centre in general, even though I’d also recommend O’Neills pub on Suffolk Street if the Grade A facilities such as Brown Thomas, The Shelbourne etc are unavailable. It has a downstairs facility with a solid wooden door, tiled walls, a good wide throat on the throne itself, and a good high cistern with a stainless steel and marble chain pull. Can move the heaviest of discharges and it’s half way to Ringsend by the time you belt up your mustard chinos.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 12:09pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

That’s solid and practical advice for the novice as well. There’s a shortage of easy to access shîtters in the city centre in general, even though I’d also recommend O’Neills pub on Suffolk Street if the Grade A facilities such as Brown Thomas, The Shelbourne etc are unavailable. It has a downstairs facility with a solid wooden door, tiled walls, a good wide throat on the throne itself, and a good high cistern with a stainless steel and marble chain pull. Can move the heaviest of discharges and it’s half way to Ringsend by the time you belt up your mustard chinos.

M&S on the other side of the street have decent facilities too, though like BTs, you have to climb up to the upper levels to get there. Not quite the luxury of BTs, but any port in a storm.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 12:11pm

AndrewJRenko wrote: »

Good advice indeed, though it should have included the warning that it takes about ten minutes to get up to the fourth floor from the front doors. You need to build this lead time into your plan, to avoid nasty incidents on the escalators.

You sound like a man in 'the know' Andrew.

Intuition is an integral part of toilet selection. One should do an on the spot risk assessment when pondering the facilities particularly if you have a live 'round' in the chamber.

Likelihood/risk of sh1tting oneself versus the hazard of opening the bomb doors in substandard conditions would give you a risk rating commensurate to all factors being considered. :cool:

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 1:05pm

I’d be hesitant to take advice on what public conveniences I should be using from people on this site. I don’t want to end up in some sort of “known spot” with my trousers down.

But, for what it’s worth, I’d recommend the more upmarket hotels around the city. I was very impressed with the Fitzwilliam on Stephen’s Green. With these establishments it’s best not be dressed like some sort of homeless.

Shuffling over in a dirty green coat with faded bootcut jeans and a pair of Converse All Stars just isn’t going to cut it. A nice haircut and a clean shaven face is a must.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 1:08pm

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 1:18pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

I'd imagine a cruising spot, like the jacks in DCU Henry Grattan - at least 20 years ago they were a notorious spot.

Pintman Paddy Losty · 23-04-2019 1:34pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

I'd imagine a cruising spot, like the jacks in DCU Henry Grattan - at least 20 years ago they were a notorious spot.

Presume you know that from experience Hector? In there sticking you hand under the stall giving obscure hand signals and tapping your feet to the correct rythmn to indicate you're looking for a bear.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 1:54pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

What do you mean by ‘known spot’, Emmet?

I can only tell you what I’ve heard, Johnny. It’s not a “scene” I’m overly familiar with but there are men out there who will try to solicit sexual favours from strangers in public restrooms.

The “solicitor” will bring in a big carrier bag, like the reusable ones you’d get from a supermarket. He’ll open it out on the floor and the other lad will stand into it so that if anyone looks under the door they only see one pair of feet while they engage in a number of sex acts.

As I’ve stated previously, I’ve nothing against that sort of thing. I voted yes in the equality referendum but I really don’t want to have my toilet experience disturbed by the sounds of thighs slapping buttocks or a “cobbler’s crunch”.

Hector Savage · 23-04-2019 1:58pm

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

Presume you know that from experience Hector? In there sticking you hand under the stall giving obscure hand signals and tapping your feet to the correct rythmn to indicate you're looking for a bear.

No actually, I found out years after I left DCU, but it made sense looking back, the jacks were always packed with blokes even when there was **** all lectures in the place.

Weird atmosphere.

JohnnyFlash · 23-04-2019 2:13pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

I can only tell you what I’ve heard, Johnny. It’s not a “scene” I’m overly familiar with but there are men out there who will try to solicit sexual favours from strangers in public restrooms.

The “solicitor” will bring in a big carrier bag, like the reusable ones you’d get from a supermarket. He’ll open it out on the floor and the other lad will stand into it so that if anyone looks under the door they only see one pair of feet while they engage in a number of sex acts.

As I’ve stated previously, I’ve nothing against that sort of thing. I voted yes in the equality referendum but I really don’t want to have my toilet experience disturbed by the sounds of thighs slapping buttocks or a “cobbler’s crunch”.

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

EmmetSpiceland · 23-04-2019 2:30pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Weird atmosphere.

Yeah, the type where the air smells like a teenager’s bedroom.

I’ve an “odd” cousin who spends his days locked away in his room, he must be in his early 20’s at this stage but you can get the smell when you arrive into the house. It’s like a musty old mushroom soup that permeates down the stairs.

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

That’s right, I’d forgotten about that! You’d think that sort of thing would be dying out at this stage but I guess there’s a bit of a “buzz” that goes with it.

Ush1 · 23-04-2019 2:32pm

JohnnyFlash wrote: »

I believe that whole scene is known as cottaging. George Michael used to partake in the activity.

He was a divil for it. Often known to treat himself to a sausage meat kebab...and then go for something to eat.

Utter Consternation · 23-04-2019 2:44pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

That’s right, I’d forgotten about that! You’d think that sort of thing would be dying out at this stage but I guess there’s a bit of a “buzz” that goes with it.

I don't see the 'buzz' in it. I can't imagine anyone enjoying getting their rocks off whilst an absolute muck savage like JohnnyFlash is empyting the rancid contents of his bowels in an adjoining cubicle.

TomasMacR · 23-04-2019 3:01pm

Speaking of Cottaging here's a true story and not one of my best moments, I was in the US in '98 during the summer doing barwork. Two of the other barmen who were american were into skydiving, as in the actual practice of jumping out of a plane with a parachute and not the below definition*. They asked would I be interested in doing one and they were sound enough so I said why not. The day before we were headed off I ate in a fast food sh*thole called Checkers, I knew as I was eating it wasn't going to end well. Next day I feel like sh*te but get collected by the two lads and headed off for the long drive to the skydive place. I'm in the horrors in the back of the car after an hour and ask them to pull over, we pull into one of those big trucker diner/rest areas. I was only 20 and I was totally oblivious to all this messing in jacks, especially in those trucker stops. I make it to the jacks and have a serious dose of the trots and am sat on the bowl in a state for about 20-30 minutes. Long story short, the two lads f*cked off and left me there as they figured I was some raging homosexual looking for or getting action in the jacks. Spent all parachute jump money getting a taxi back to the city. When I saw them in work they didn't give a toss and didn't believe a word of my protests. Got the p*ss ripped out of me for the rest of the time I worked there. I would like to add, although I had no idea about all this gay public jacks stuff I remember something wasn't right in there.

*Skydiving
A sexual action involving a pregnant woman and one or more male partners. The woman lies on her stomach with her hands and legs out in a "skydiving position" while the man kneels behind her. If there are multiple men they kneel in a circle around the victim. The men proceeds to fu*k the living **** out of the woman in either hole, whatever the male prefers. After 30 seconds he pulls out and spins the woman on her stomach. The woman spins until coming to the next man, or the same man who then proceeds to **** her.

AndrewJRenko · 23-04-2019 3:02pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Shuffling over in a dirty green coat with faded bootcut jeans and a pair of Converse All Stars just isn’t going to cut it. A nice haircut and a clean shaven face is a must.

So none of the U.35 tech barons who have about ten times the assets of you or me then?

What's the etiquette here??

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