The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Duplicate post.

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought, ‘Some arseholes got my pen’

The future, the present and the past
walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason.

Details are abit sketchy.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France?

He was in Sein.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked Is my time up?

God answered, No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she said to him i thought you said I had another 40 years left.

Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, I didn’t recognize you.

Two friends Mick and Paddy meet in the office of one of them, both are techo-geek.

Paddy says to Mick hey, bud, how are ya?

Mick replies i'm good.

Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful.

Well, I'm glad you like her.

Believe it or not, she's a robot.

No way, how could that be?

She's the latest model from Japan.

Let me tell you how she works.

If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.

If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter.

That's not all, she can have sex, too.

Holy sh*t Paddy You're kidding, right?

No, says Mick she's something, huh?

Tell you what, you can even borrow her.

So, Paddy takes her into the mens room and is in there with her for quiet awhile.

Suddenly, Mick hears Pddy screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!

Mick suddenly says to himself,

Sh*t I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick.

I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.

The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I can go to work.

You should try that says the boss.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says boss,

I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.

The next day Hung Chow turns up and says to the boss.

You got nice house boss.

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home.

They had been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks,

If I pull out my pe*is, would you hold it?

The women agrees and so everyday they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the man's pe*is.

One day the woman went to the garden early and found the man with another woman.

She approached the man and asked what the other woman has that she doesn't.

The old man replied gleefully the shakes.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

I am the master of all these women.

No one else can touch them except me.

You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living?

I'm a cop says the first man.

Then we will shoot your pe*is off , said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

I'm a firemen said the second man.

Then we will burn your penis off said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, and you, what do you do for a living?

And the third man answered,

I'm a lollipop salesman.

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.

The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,

What are you lining up for dear?

Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

Mmmm, sounds lovely, said Grandma,

I think I'll have some myself, she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered But, you're so old, how do you do it?

Grandma replied, Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck the hell out of them.

Virginity like bubble, one little prick, all gone ...