The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Paddy goes to buy a car with £100. He asks the salesman - have you got any cars for a hundred quid. Yeah he replies, we have one but its got no doors. Paddy says - well how the **** am I going to get in it!

Whenever my mate Dave starts stuttering, I always try and lighten the mood.

By pretending to scratch invisible turntables.

Ann Summers are now selling an alcoholic vagina gel. Anti-drink campaigners fear it might lead to 24hr minge drinking!

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar after
announcing that his wife had just given birth to a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

Everyone in the pub congradulated him.

Even a woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.

The bartender said, say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
birth.

How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered, Fifteen pounds.

The bartender was puzzled.

And asked what happened?

He weighed 20pounds at birth?

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his beer,

Wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve,

leaned into the bartender and said

We had to have him circumcised.

Duplicate post.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, "That's the last thing I need!".

TheBiz

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thought, ‘Some arseholes got my pen’

pleas advice

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

The future, the present and the past
walked into a bar.

Things got a little tense.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason.

Details are abit sketchy.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France?

He was in Sein.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to reprimand the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied,

Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

M.T. Cranium

LONG LONG AWAY IN A GALAXY FAR AGO
THERE WERE GOOD GUYS WITH A PRINCESS WHO WAS
SLIGHTLY CROSS-EYED AND A PRINCE WHO WAS
SHORT AND SLOW ON THE UPTAKE
BUT HE HAD A TALKING APE OR MAYBE
A SASQUATCH TO HELP HIM BUT IT COULD ONLY GRUNT
AND FLY COMPLICATED LOOKING SPACE CRAFT AT WARP SPEED
AND THE GOOD GUYS HAD OTHER HELPERS WHO WERE
LIKE GIANT LIZARDS AND THINGS BUT THEY WERE MOSTLY
DRINKING LIME GREEN STUFF IN AIRPORT LOUNGES AND NOT REALLY
HELPING AT ALL, IT WAS HUMANS WHO DID ALL THE DIFFICULT STUFF
(AND THE APE) ... AND THERE WERE BAD GUYS WHO HAD
HEADS LIKE BREAD MAKERS AND WERE ALL WHITE BUT REMINDED YOU OF NAZIS
BUT THEY NEVER SPOKE GERMAN AND THEIR LEADER APPARENTLY HAD NO FACE
OR WAS REALLY UGLY AND HE GAVE OFF BAD VIBES BUT
HIS SON WAS A GOOD GUY SO THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A TIME WHEN
HE WAS LIKE NORMAL PERHAPS OR EVEN HAD A FACE AND
THERE WAS THAT GUY FROM THE OTHER MOVIE AND THERE WERE ANNOYING ROBOTS
WHO FRANKLY YOU'LL WISH THE BAD GUYS WOULD BLAST WITH
DEATH RAYS BUT THEY HAVE NO DEATH RAYS, EVIL AS THEY ARE
THEY JUST STUN PEOPLE WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF ELECTRICITY
OR SOMETHING AND ALSO THERE IS THIS INCREDIBLY SMART GUY
BUT HE LIVES UNDER A MUSHROOM IN A DARK, DRIPPING WET FOREST
SO HOW DOES THAT MAKE HIM SMART? IS IT BECAUSE HE FINISHES EVERY SENTENCE
WITH A VERB SO IT IS LIKE THIS THAT HE TALKS?
AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST MOVIE IT'S THE FOURTH MOVIE WTF WHY NOT START WITH THE FIRST ONE
AND YOU MIGHT GO TO THE NEXT ONE WHICH IS THE FIFTH ONE WE THINK
THEN YOU WON'T GO ANY MORE AND THEY MIGHT NOT EVEN MAKE ALL THE OTHER ONES AND ...
WHAT ARE THEY FIGHTING ABOUT? NOBODY KNOWS, IT'S
JUST A CHOICE, YOU'RE RULED BY THE ROBOTS AND LIZARDS, OR THE
WHITE GUYS WITH BIG BREAD MAKER HEADS AND THEIR UGLY LEADER AND
OH DAMN THE MOVIE'S OVER ... WELL BUY A LIGHT SABRE ON YOUR WAY OUT ...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, what would you like, sir?

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful body top to bottom, then answers, a quickie.

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, What would you like, sir?

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, a quickie, please.

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

Pal, I think it’s pronounced quiche.

To the scummy bastard that stole 300 cans of RedBull and 50 jars of coffee from my shop the other day,......

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream, now all I have to do is rub it in.

I was at a fancy dress party the other night when a big fat girl came over to me . She blushed and said " I really fancy you " .

"calm down " I replied " it's just a costume , I'm not a real ****in doughnut!!

I went to a sports event for people with Tourettes,when the 100 metres took place I heard the starter say.

"On your marks, get set, **** OFF"

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink.

Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.

One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says,i'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up.

The second one says i'll name mine Mountain Dew because he likes to mount and do me.

And the third one says i'll name mine Jack Daniels.

The others say hey that's not a softdrink that's a hard licker.

She says that's My Georgie.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked Is my time up?

God answered, No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she said to him i thought you said I had another 40 years left.

Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?”

God replied, I didn’t recognize you.

chewed

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

Two friends Mick and Paddy meet in the office of one of them, both are techo-geek.

Paddy says to Mick hey, bud, how are ya?

Mick replies i'm good.

Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful.

Well, I'm glad you like her.

Believe it or not, she's a robot.

No way, how could that be?

She's the latest model from Japan.

Let me tell you how she works.

If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation.

If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter.

That's not all, she can have sex, too.

Holy sh*t Paddy You're kidding, right?

No, says Mick she's something, huh?

Tell you what, you can even borrow her.

So, Paddy takes her into the mens room and is in there with her for quiet awhile.

Suddenly, Mick hears Pddy screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!

Mick suddenly says to himself,

Sh*t I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!

tobsey

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick.

I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.

The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I can go to work.

You should try that says the boss.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says boss,

I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.

The next day Hung Chow turns up and says to the boss.

You got nice house boss.

byrner88

I'm having my kitchen refitted at the moment, so I'm having to survive on fast food and takeaways.

So far I've had McDonald's, Burger King, Subway, KFC, Indian, Chinese and a pizza.

Good job it's only taking a day, otherwise It'd cost me a ****ing fortune.

byrner88

My son said, "I haven't got a clue what I want to do when I leave school."

I said, "What about a career in the catering industry like me."

He said, "Dad, you deliver ****ing pizzas."

Say what you like about porn actors, but they do work hard.

An old man and a old woman met at an retirement home.

They had been dating for quite some time now and one day the old man asks,

If I pull out my pe*is, would you hold it?

The women agrees and so everyday they would sit on a bench in the garden and the woman would hold the man's pe*is.

One day the woman went to the garden early and found the man with another woman.

She approached the man and asked what the other woman has that she doesn't.

The old man replied gleefully the shakes.

evil_seed

Never apologise, never explain.
Sorry, but that's my motto.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

I am the master of all these women.

No one else can touch them except me.

You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living?

I'm a cop says the first man.

Then we will shoot your pe*is off , said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

I'm a firemen said the second man.

Then we will burn your penis off said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, and you, what do you do for a living?

And the third man answered,

I'm a lollipop salesman.

Interviewer: what would you consider one of your strengths?
Me: I perform under pressure...
Interviewer: can you get give me an example?
Me: (deep breath) Mm ba ba de
Um bum ba de
Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE,
pushing down on me....

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.

Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.

The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously,

What are you lining up for dear?

Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

Mmmm, sounds lovely, said Grandma,

I think I'll have some myself, she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered But, you're so old, how do you do it?

Grandma replied, Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck the hell out of them.

What was the largest island in the world before Greenland was discovered?

Greenland.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle...