The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

byrner88 · 10-05-2019 12:16am

Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency.

I said, "999."

chewed · 10-05-2019 7:46am

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers

GBX · 10-05-2019 4:02pm

I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off.

"Pretend we're the police" my mate said ...

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the sh1t out of us!

Suckit · 10-05-2019 4:32pm

byrner88 wrote: »

I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

I take it European money?

Capt'n Midnight · 10-05-2019 7:42pm

I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.

whiskeyman · 10-05-2019 8:54pm

Suckit wrote: »

I take it European money?

I just started a useless helpline service for Euro zone citizens.

It makes no cents

Capt'n Midnight · 10-05-2019 9:50pm

Suckit wrote: »

I take it European money?

If not then urine trouble.

patmac · 11-05-2019 10:52am

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started toexamine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

coolhull · 13-05-2019 9:46am

My wife always says that I'm tight-fisted.
So, to prove her wrong, I brought her out yesterday for some tea and biscuits.
It was quite exciting, as she had never given blood before.

coolhull · 13-05-2019 9:58am

I have sexdaily...

Sorry, I mean dyslexia

its_steve116 · 13-05-2019 3:47pm

Why did Mickey Mouse hold his nose?

Because Donald trumped.

byrner88 · 15-05-2019 12:11am

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."

jimgoose · 17-05-2019 11:39am

Old Boudreaux was a tough Cajun with a farm WAAAY down the bayou. For reasons that I won't bore you with, he had decided to divorce his wife, and to that end was in a lawyer's office in downtown N'Awlins one balmy afternoon. And down to business...

"So Mr. Boudreaux, in order to successfully obtain a divorce we're going to have to do a little groundwork. What kind of a case have you got?"

"Pas de Case, Monsieur - I gots me a couple of John Deeres."

"No, no!" said the lawyer, "I mean have you got any grounds?"

"Mais Oui! I gots a hunnert acres, mos' it unner water an' gator-'fested dad-fetchit, but she ground!"

The lawyer by this point had concluded that it would probably be a long afternoon.

"OK, let's change tack a little. We could maybe work the irreconcilable differences angle. Let me see... OK, for example Mr. Boudreaux, does your wife beat you up?"

"Non, we both up about 5am."

The lawyer got up, went over to the cabinet and poured a very stiff Bourbon...

"<sigh> Mr. Boudreaux, would you describe your wife as a nagger?"

"Mais non, Monsieur! She a lil' Coonass gal!! Las' chile was tho - thass why I want a divorce!!"

byrner88 · 18-05-2019 4:11am

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my ****ing eye out.

coolhull · 19-05-2019 5:04pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the grave at a Traffic Warden's funeral, suddenly there was a loud thumping noise from inside, and a voice cried, "Hey, let me out! Let me out! I'm not dead!"
The undertaker leaned down into the grave, and said in a quiet voice:
"Too fcukin' late, pal, too late. I've already done the paperwork!"

byrner88 · 20-05-2019 6:58pm

I walked up to a bloke in the pub last night and said "My wife is due to give birth any day now"

"That's great" he smiled. " What are you having"

"A pint of Guinness"

coolhull · 21-05-2019 3:10pm

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.

As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….

PaddyWilliams · 21-05-2019 4:27pm

Two eggs get married and go on honeymoon. On the first night the female starts feeling raunchy, so she puts on her sexiest egg lingerie, lies on the bed and whispers, "come and get me, big boy".
The male egg looks at her and rushes into the bathroom. When he re-emerges, he's wearing a hard hat.
She looks at him puzzled and asks why in the name of fcuk he's wearing a hard hat. He replies.. "Last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon".

coolhull · 21-05-2019 5:39pm

An undercover cop called at my farm...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ****ing badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your ****ing badge!”

ohnonotgmail · 21-05-2019 9:13pm

A woman calls into a garda to report a flasher. He was in a car and stopped next to her to ask directions. He has a map in his lap and when he lifted it up he had his knob out. The garda asked her "was he in a state of arousal?"."No", she said, "it was a ford escort".

M.T. Cranium · 22-05-2019 3:21pm

Oh you'll be wanting the B69, make a hard left at the lights.

byrner88 · 23-05-2019 12:09am

At the end of the night I dropped a girl off at her house and thought I'd try my luck.

"Aren't you going to invite me in for a cup of tea?" I asked.

"Of course I'm not!" she shouted, getting out of my taxi.

byrner88 · 23-05-2019 1:29am

Jamie Oliver, you might want to get in touch with Gordon Ramsay....he does a tv show about saving struggling restaurants.....

RobMc59 · 24-05-2019 5:19pm

Patient: I keep hearing strange voices coming from my underpants.
Doctor:ignore them their talking bollocks!

M5 · 25-05-2019 7:44am

I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist" and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin"

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

RobMc59 · 25-05-2019 2:09pm

Just nearly talked myself out of a speeding ticket by telling the police woman she looked bloody stunning.

Then I fcuked up by saying "and that's not the drink talking either".

its_steve116 · 25-05-2019 3:30pm

Chris and Kem didn't do too well in their sixth year exams.

It was a little bit leave(ing) it.

RobMc59 · 25-05-2019 3:59pm

Doctor:the results are in,you have Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient:is it rare?
Doctor:it's not unusual .

coldfire1x · 25-05-2019 4:02pm

I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"Thailand. We're getting married."

"You don't want to get married, That's when the blowj**s stop."

"I don't mind that, I hate giving her them anyway!"

milltown · 25-05-2019 4:46pm

A guy comes home one evening to find his wife in the bedroom packing a suitcase.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
She replies "I'm moving to New York. I heard there's women there getting paid $400 a time for what I do for you for free."
He pulls out his suitcase and begins to throw his stuff in.
"Where are you going?" she asks.
"I'm coming with you" he says,"I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

Capt'n Midnight · 25-05-2019 11:22pm

People walked out of the Spice Girls concert last night because of dreadful sound problems.

A sound engineer has been sacked for causing the issues.

He left the Mic's on.

byrner88 · 27-05-2019 7:00pm

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

TheBody · 27-05-2019 7:11pm

I just bought a beehive that had no exits in it. Unbelievable....

everlast75 · 27-05-2019 7:45pm

Me - I'm scared of The Backstreet Boys

Therapist - tell me why...

Me - *screams*

dilallio · 28-05-2019 5:05pm

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

byrner88 · 29-05-2019 1:08am

"Paddy, I've noticed you pushing your bike to work the last two days?"

"I know, the chain's snapped but I've got my sandwiches and flask in the basket!"

"Why don't you just carry them?"

"Don't be stupid, how could I push me bike then?"

Yermande · 29-05-2019 1:15am

A lot of people say to me, "Hey you, what are you doing in my garden?" - Michael Redmond.

Bob Harris · 29-05-2019 7:37am

A man goes into a pub one evening, sits on a bar stool and orders a drink.

As he is sipping his beer, he looks around and spots an attractive lady sitting at the opposite end of the bar, taking dainty sips of a cocktail.

Suddenly - she sneezes, and in the process her glass eye pops out of her head and rolls slowly down the top of the bar surface in the direction of the man.

He instinctively puts his hand out and grabs it. He is so proud, and in an act of chivalry, he walks up to the other end of the bar and returns the glass eye to the lady.
She is well impressed .

They proceed to spend the rest of the evening chatting, laughing, and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, when the bar closes, the lady says “Why don’t you come back for a nightcap?” and they both taxi to her apartment.
Then follows a night of fabulous passion !

In the morning, the man has to leave for an appointment, but before he goes, he snuggles up to the lady and says “Do you do this with every man you meet in the bar?”

She replied “No... only with those who catch my eye”

Bob Harris · 03-06-2019 7:57am

I’ve recently been dating a homeless woman.

Things are getting serious.

she wants me to move out with her.

M.T. Cranium · 03-06-2019 7:06pm

You'll camp under that bridge when you come to it.

Bob Harris · 03-06-2019 9:54pm

Another thing to consider is that I'll be eating out every night.

blade1 · 03-06-2019 9:57pm

And she can never kick you out!
Starting to sound like a great idea already!

Capt'n Midnight · 03-06-2019 10:49pm

What's the Local Property Tax like ?

Bob Harris · 03-06-2019 10:54pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

What's the Local Property Tax like ?

It used to the through the roof but now it's sky high.

byrner88 · 04-06-2019 12:10am

I popped into the supermarket to buy a packet of condoms and as I got to the checkout, the cashier asked, "Would you like a bag with that?".

"No", I responded. "She's not that ugly".

its_steve116 · 04-06-2019 3:56pm

I gave my smoking instrument to a South American jungle animal to smoke from.

It was my pipe on Tapir.

TheBody · 04-06-2019 8:02pm

Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Bob Harris · 04-06-2019 9:22pm

its_steve116 wrote: »

I gave my smoking instrument to a South American jungle animal to smoke from.

It was my pipe on Tapir.

You may come back and explain that.

donegal_man · 04-06-2019 10:13pm

Bob Harris wrote: »

You may come back and explain that.

Thank God it's not just me!

its_steve116 · 05-06-2019 1:25am

Bob Harris wrote: »

You may come back and explain that.

There is some stupid programme on ITV, "Love on an Island" or whatever, and apparently some of the contestants on it go on about how contestants they like are "my type on paper".

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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