The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

A guy was reciting the alphabet from A to Z.
"A, B..."

He paused for about five minutes.
"...C!"
"Long time no C," I replied.

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, you won't get away with this, I'll find you!










You have my Word.

A man joins an order of Trappist monks. Trappists are only to speak when necessary. In this particular monastery the rule was that monks were only allowed to speak once every 10 years. The man was told this and was happy to enter into viitual silence.
10 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to him "It's been ten years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man says, "The porridge could do with a little more salt."
The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 10 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it's been another ten years. What is it that you wish to say?"
"The bed sheets are a bit thin" the man replies.
Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 10 years pass and the head monk sees the man and says "Another ten years have passed. Have you anything to say?"
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
A: The P is silent.

Girlfriend: "Y'know, sometimes you act like a detective, always sneaking around the place, asking lots of questions..."

Me: "My darling, I haven't the faintest idea what you mean."

Girlfriend: "That's it, I've had enough. I want to split up."

Me: "Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

>’Enter new password‘

~ 'chicken'

> ‘Password must contain a capital’

~ 'chickenkiev'