Ghosted after a few good dates

26-04-2021 6:22pm

When it comes to getting laid, there's no doubt that women have it easier, but that says more about men than women, IMO. Most young lads on a night out just want to score.

This was true before Tinder, it will be true after Tinder.

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 6:24pm

Women don't have all the power in online dating.

Good looking guy isn't gonna pick a plain woman.

Jequ0n · 26-04-2021 6:24pm

bucketybuck wrote: »

Why do people keep saying this is an online thing?

He met her 3 or 4 times, sounds like the online bit did its job and was over.

Waited too long to meet up = hesitation, doesn’t give her the impression he is head over heels.
You want to swoop in early and make her think she is the best thing since sliced bread and also secure (in cases where there is baggage). OP missed his chance to apply emotional bonding traps

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 6:26pm

Deleted User wrote: »

When it comes to getting laid, there's no doubt that women have it easier, but that says more about men than women, IMO. Most young lads on a night out just want to score.

This was true before Tinder, it will be true after Tinder.

Yeah women usually want more than just a one-night stand, so it's not a huge privilege just to be matched for a one-night encounter (emphasis "usually" - I know there are women who just want a shag, and men who want more than that).

buried · 26-04-2021 6:27pm

bucketybuck wrote: »

Why do people keep saying this is an online thing?

He met her 3 or 4 times, sounds like the online bit did its job and was over.

People stay on these online dating sites to see if something else comes along. Nothing wrong with that, but some people can become kind of addicted to the notion that something better might come along continuously if they stay on these dating sites and keep swiping or whatever it is.

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 6:29pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

Waited too long to meet up = hesitation, doesn’t give her the impression he is head over heels.
You want to swoop in early and make her think she is the best thing since sliced bread and also secure (in cases where there is baggage). OP missed his chance to apply emotional bonding traps

Traps?

But anyway, seems like things went really well for the time that they were in contact - both online and in person. Then she just did a u-turn because of a change in circumstances. It happens and it sucks but you're better off OP.

Jequ0n · 26-04-2021 6:30pm

Wallet Inspector wrote: »

Traps?

But anyway, seems like things went really well for the time that they were in contact - both online and in person. Then she just did a u-turn because of a change in circumstances. It happens and it sucks but you're better off OP.

Trap, binding, whatever

shtpEdthePlum · 26-04-2021 6:33pm

Maybe she didn't respond because ye're officially doing a line together now so there was no reply necessary.

The DayDream · 26-04-2021 6:33pm

YellowLead wrote: »

Maybe you should go with the average looking girls with interesting personalities rather than bitching that the good looking ones can pick who they like - that’s life.
You see so many smelly dirty boring lazy men complaining that super models arent chasing them, turning their noses down at pretty or average looking!

In fairness that's not what he really was saying as he was talking about the apps rather than IRL. In the apps it's exactly like he said with girls 'dating up' having more choice etc. It's totally different to real life IME (pulling power not so bad in real life, apps I barely get a response most times even with women who matched.)

On the apps it's the opposite of what you say in the last paragraph. It's the women who are expecting George Clooney or Ryan Gosling to swipe on them. Lots of bitter well past their prime single mothers complaining there are no good men, no real men, too many creeps, long checklists of what they think they should be getting in a partner, etc.

OP don't try and contact her any more, in fact just block her right back and move on. Why are you even thinking 'oh I'd let her back into my life.' Women don't block dudes they still want in their life, it's done.

Ubbquittious · 26-04-2021 6:34pm

Women on these sites are hard work. Chat away nicely for ages then ghost. Rinse and repeat.
Chat away for ages, ask to meet up, she gets hesitant about covid and starts coming out with excuses. Next.
Then so many are just a pain to converse with, they show no interest and expect me to entertain them via text.
Maybe they are not "never happy" but it's hard to find one who is happy.

Much easier to get chatting to someone at a real life event whenever those will be allowed again.

Had one today who I've been chatting with a good while and wouldnt divulge her number because she claims to have had problems with that in the past. The app chat thing is a pain to use. Maybe there is some fawning lapdog of a fella who will chat to her endlessly on the app until she feels reassured enough to meet up but I couldn't be fcuking arsed.

Thelonious Monk · 26-04-2021 6:39pm

The DayDream wrote: »

Lots of bitter well past their prime single mothers complaining there are no good men, no real men, too many creeps, long checklists of what they think they should be getting in a partner, etc.

There is a lot of that but imagine the absolute gobsh*tes that are on the male side that we can't see?
For the most part there are plenty of normal people on these things and if you keep at it for a while you'll probably meet people of a similar level of attractiveness and status as yourself, that is how it always worked me anyway.
I wouldn't bother messaging these instagram model looking women because I can't see how either of us would have anything in common, but there must be male versions of these people too.

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 6:42pm

The DayDream wrote: »

On the apps it's the opposite of what you say in the last paragraph. It's the women who are expecting George Clooney or Ryan Gosling to swipe on them. Lots of bitter well past their prime single mothers complaining there are no good men, no real men, too many creeps, long checklists of what they think they should be getting in a partner, etc.

Well they don't seem like people who get dates easily. Or at least anything more than a shag n' go.

26-04-2021 6:42pm

I think the trick is to not take it personally and don't get attached too quickly. Online dating is extremely fickle.

26-04-2021 6:44pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

There is a lot of that but imagine the absolute gobsh*tes that are on the male side that we can't see?
For the most part there are plenty of normal people on these things and if you keep at it for a while you'll probably meet people of a similar level of attractiveness and status as yourself, that is how it always worked me anyway.
I wouldn't bother messaging these instagram model looking women because I can't see how either of us would have anything in common, but there must be male versions of these people too.

I have a female friend and she showed me the male side. The absolute state of some of the profiles, like.

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 6:44pm

Ubbquittious wrote: »

Women on these sites are hard work. Chat away nicely for ages then ghost. Rinse and repeat.
Chat away for ages, ask to meet up, she gets hesitant about covid and starts coming out with excuses. Next.
Then so many are just a pain to converse with, they show no interest and expect me to entertain them via text.
Maybe they are not "never happy" but it's hard to find one who is happy.

Much easier to get chatting to someone at a real life event whenever those will be allowed again.

Had one today who I've been chatting with a good while and wouldnt divulge her number because she claims to have had problems with that in the past. The app chat thing is a pain to use. Maybe there is some fawning lapdog of a fella who will chat to her endlessly on the app until she feels reassured enough to meet up but I couldn't be fcuking arsed.

Sounds like they're not interested but want to be polite and not blunt (a "bitch") which is then construed as leading the guy on.

Kind of a can't win situation.

Ubbquittious · 26-04-2021 6:45pm

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

There is a lot of that but imagine the absolute gobsh*tes that are on the male side that we can't see?
For the most part there are plenty of normal people on these things and if you keep at it for a while you'll probably meet people of a similar level of attractiveness and status as yourself, that is how it always worked me anyway.
I wouldn't bother messaging these instagram model looking women because I can't see how either of us would have anything in common, but there must be male versions of these people too.

Any mention of Instagram on a profile is a red flag at this stage. I'd say there's a good few just trying to gain followers this way. Some lads are even stupid enough to create an Instagram and follow them I would say

26-04-2021 6:45pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I think the trick is to not take it personally and don't get attached too quickly. Online dating is extremely fickle.

This is a life lesson in general imo

raclle · 26-04-2021 6:55pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I have a female friend and she showed me the male side. The absolute state of some of the profiles, like.

Maybe I've been too biased all along

but could you give us some examples? I've never seen or rarely heard about the male side

Church on Tuesday · 26-04-2021 6:57pm

Wallet Inspector wrote: »

Sounds like they're not interested but want to be polite and not blunt (a "bitch") which is then construed as leading the guy on.

Kind of a can't win situation.

Either gender can be polite and just say they are not feeling it. It wouldn't bother me if, say, after a date or two the woman in question said face to face or over the phone they are not interested. It's early doors, so there's every chance that could happen. It's a getting to know you phase.

No grown adult should ghost another grown adult. It's not a good look. We're supposed to be grown adults here. For some women it's to avoid conflict like the above or potential aggressiveness, for some, often in the case of men as well, a simple lack of respect.

26-04-2021 7:08pm

raclle wrote: »

Maybe I've been too biased all along but could you give us some examples? I've never seen or rarely heard about the male side

Most of the photos were awful, like up-the-nose selfies, drunken pictures with "the boys", some sports picture that was clearly taken years ago. Very few if any photos just showing them wearing a nice shirt, smiling. Unreal. They just come across as really immature.

As for what they write in the bio, again it's trying too hard to be a "lad", as if they are worried their mates will see it, or maybe they don't understand what women want. Their interests match the photos, sports and nights out with the boiiiis.

I saw dozens of profiles like that, just carbon copies. The rare well done profiles really stand out from the crowd.

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 7:10pm

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

Either gender can be polite and just say they are not feeling it. It wouldn't bother me if, say, after a date or two the woman in question said face to face or over the phone they are not interested. It's early doors, so there's every chance that could happen. It's a getting to know you phase.

No grown adult should ghost another grown adult. It's not a good look. We're supposed to be grown adults here. For some women it's to avoid conflict like the above or potential aggressiveness, for some, often in the case of men as well, a simple lack of respect.

I don't mean the ghosting - that's obviously sh1t - but the being friendly and chatty and thus seemingly interested. That's not to lead on, it's just to be polite. It's the wrong way to do things yes, but it's not malicious.

FFVII · 26-04-2021 7:19pm

The DayDream wrote: »

That's not true I'm just a rough diamond that's needs a little polishing, that's all.

Getting there is a load of "snowflake", picking sh1t up wrong, mind reading, assuming, and then you go off with the next lad showing abit of interest as the current one is to much work.

corner of hells · 26-04-2021 7:51pm

OP ,have you considered the French Foreign Legion ?

Galwayguy35 · 26-04-2021 8:07pm

Wallet Inspector wrote: »

Women don't have all the power in online dating.

Good looking guy isn't gonna pick a plain woman.

No he isn't but the good looking woman isn't going to go for the short ugly man either.

The folks of either sex who hit the genetic jackpot will end up together.

dxhound2005 · 26-04-2021 8:42pm

I took a look at this thread earlier when it was just one page. I says to myself poor Johnny is so traumatised he will not be able to make any more contributions to his own thread. And so it has proved.

26-04-2021 8:43pm

dxhound2005 wrote: »

I took a look at this thread earlier when it was just one page. I says to myself poor Johnny is so traumatised he will not be able to make any more contributions to his own thread. And so it has proved.

It's after hours, ffs. He should have posted in relationship/personal issues.

McGinniesta · 26-04-2021 8:46pm

Did you sniff her underpants or kiss her fanny?

Wallet Inspector · 26-04-2021 9:35pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

No he isn't but the good looking woman isn't going to go for the short ugly man either

Of course (although some would if he was loaded - I have no problem acknowledging that) but I was just arguing against the claim that women on dating apps have "all" the power.

ulster · 26-04-2021 9:57pm

Johnnytractors wrote: »

So, I recently matched with the one on tinder who was very cute, charming a funny. Within a few weeks we exchanged numbers and started chatting on WhatsApp. After a while we agreed to meet up in person and we clicked like a house on fire. We met the following week again and had a ball of time together. The following two weeks were Easter Sunday and the following Sunday I was tied the following Sunday helping a friend. We stayed in contact every day and night and shared messages and Snap chatting each other every day. Met her last Sunday and we had a brilliant time together. We chatted Sunday night when I got home and I fell asleep then. Monday morning I texted her and I got the following message back “ You're fine, sooo tired this morning getting up for work how's you? xx “ this is the last message I have got as I have been blocked on WhatsApp and on Snapchat. I’m still a match on tinder with her and friends on Instagram with her. I have reached out to her and asked her what is going on but I have been ghosted!!! To be honest I didn’t think she was like this and if she was to message me again later in life I would accept her back into my life.

How do people cope when someone ghosts you? To be honest I’m a nervous wreck, not sleeping properly, not eating much and can’t focus at work. I’m stressed out and I would love to hear from her is all

She's a fukwit. Get off Tinder. It's full of fuking posers.

Tell me how · 26-04-2021 10:03pm

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I cannot think of a better place for the OP to have posted. This is the only forum where people can respond freely instead of oozing faux Compassion.

I always think there's something particular going on when people see any compassion by others as something they are inclined to be skeptical about by default.

My guess is they lack it themselves so can't imagine anyone else would have it.

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:08pm

Leg End Reject wrote: »

It sounds like she got back with an ex, or was seeing others at the same time and opted for one of them.

Don't let her back into your life if she makes contact later, it's very disrespectful not to send a text or call to let you know where you stand.

Thanks for your reply. That’s what I was thinking myself.

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:10pm

murpho999 wrote: »

I feel for you OP but I think you just have to cut your losses on this one and be thankful that you discovered this behaviour at a later stage in the relationship and you could have a lot more at stake and also be more emotionally committed.

At the moment it hurts but that will ease and you can put it down to experience and learn from it.

I really don't think you should accept her back unless he has a really genuine reason for ignoring you which I doubt.

Thanks for being so sympathetic. I know what you are saying alright but I do think that everyone deserves a second chance, maybe I’m gone soft in my age I don’t know

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:12pm

FFVII wrote: »

Yup. This.

She was writing to 5 and went with one of them but she'll still be writing to 5 still and youll see her on tinder "recently active" soon again.

They're all at the same thing.

Putting pandemic to one side. Theirs something wrong with the vast majority of people on tinder etc. Especially those into the late 30s.

Thanks for your reply. I have done it myself but I did think this one was different and special

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:13pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

A few weeks of chatting before meeting up?
I think the longer you wait to meet in person the lower your chances. Get in there early next time (literally)

Best of luck

Thanks for your reply. Three weeks we chatting as I had to isolate for two weeks for being in contact with a confirmed Covid case. I know what you mean tho

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:15pm

yourdeadwright wrote: »

Why do this to yourself,
There's literally nothing you can do about it so why worry about it ?
If you see here just be nice and don't ask ,

Any number of things could have happened here's a short sections ,
1, She got the ick ,
2. She figured out she know an ex
3. Someone told her something about you
4, She seen you where still on tinder,
5, She got another offer she couldn't refuse,

Happened to me once years ago much like yourself it seemed to be going really well , I played it cooled and never said anything i'm glad I did because we still bump into each other from time to time and are both nice to each other ,

I have never asked what happened nor will I cause whats the point ,She made up her mind for whatever reason so why would I want to convince someone to like me , You should take the same road ,

Thanks for your message. I know how you feel and I know what you mean. Thankfully we don’t live too close to each other

YellowLead · 26-04-2021 10:17pm

Johnnytractors wrote: »

Thanks for your message. I know how you feel and I know what you mean. Thankfully we don’t live too close to each other

Get back out there and forget about her. And don’t consider anyone to be ‘special and different’ until a few months of dating have passed and a bit of commitment

Swaine · 26-04-2021 10:18pm

Ubbquittious wrote: »

Women on these sites are hard work. Chat away nicely for ages then ghost. Rinse and repeat.
Chat away for ages, ask to meet up, she gets hesitant about covid and starts coming out with excuses. Next.
Then so many are just a pain to converse with, they show no interest and expect me to entertain them via text.
Maybe they are not "never happy" but it's hard to find one who is happy.

This.

There's the odd gem but the vast majority are summed up in the above. Timewasters looking for an ego boost.

If I get a one word message it's an instant unmatch. Bore off.

buried · 26-04-2021 10:21pm

Stop thinking about what she thinks or what she is even thinking. Think about yourself. Don't think anybody else is 'different or special'. Apply the logic that YOU are different and special and enjoy what comes after that for Your own self

Leg End Reject · 26-04-2021 10:22pm

Johnnytractors wrote: »

Thanks for being so sympathetic. I know what you are saying alright but I do think that everyone deserves a second chance, maybe I’m gone soft in my age I don’t know

No one who ignores you after weeks of daily contact, and several positive dates, deserves a second chance.

It's harder to put this into perspective when our lives are so restricted, but you deserve better than that.

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:24pm

YellowLead wrote: »

OP I have no idea why you would let her back into your life if she reached out in future!!!!

She’s an awful coward, a mean person. All she had to do was say - thanks for your time but I don’t see this going any further. Job done. Ghosting is so cowardly and disrespectful. However it’s super common so you have to be prepared.

As other have said this is all par for the course with online dating. Most people will be chatting with a few so as not to put their eggs in one basket. They click more with one and go with them.

So what you need to do is not get emotionally invested too soon, which sounds like what happened here. You should be a bit miffed at her, not totally thrown off kilter.

Chatting for ages before meeting is also a recipe for disaster as some people are prone to getting attached even from that (madness in my opinion) - one person sees it as a bit of fun, a way to pass the time, ego boosting, while the other (you) might see it as building intimacy.

Thick skin is needed with online dating when crap like this happens you just need to be able to roll with it and on to the next one. Otherwise online dating isn’t for you.

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean alright but I do think everyone deserves a second chance if if they **** you around.

I was chatting to a few myself and I thought we clicked together hence why I went with this one then the others. I just told the others that I didn’t feel a spark there so sorry I won’t be taking this any further

YellowLead · 26-04-2021 10:27pm

Johnnytractors wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean alright but I do think everyone deserves a second chance if if they **** you around.

Yikes - I don’t mean to be harsh but with that attitude to online dating you will get used and abused!

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:32pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Question OP, you say you had a great time with her before ?
were you intimate or were you too much of a 'gentleman' and nothing happened ?

Sometimes people lose patience if there is no action - sorry to be so blunt...

Thanks for your reply. I was a bit of both. Due to the weather it was lashing rain so all we could do was go for a drive. She was the type of girl that wasn’t a action type and was very refined. Maybe she just find the spark I don’t know

Church on Tuesday · 26-04-2021 10:36pm

Johnnytractors wrote: »

Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean alright but I do think everyone deserves a second chance if if they **** you around.

I was chatting to a few myself and I thought we clicked together hence why I went with this one then the others. I just told the others that I didn’t feel a spark there so sorry I won’t be taking this any further

Not to be harsh here, but she won't be giving you a 2nd chance though. Again not your fault.

TBH you will only hear back from her if all other options have been exhausted and that's a big if. She has moved on to the next tinder match.

Keep your head up and move on too, don't you want to be with someone who is excited to be with you, the same you would be with her?

Hammer89 · 26-04-2021 10:37pm

Here's your problem OP:

The country is locked down and therefore there's quite a lot of limitations when it comes to traditional first date options.

A walk along the pier is nice and so is a hike of some description - I don't know where you brought her quite honestly - but if your dates happened during the day then that, combined with the fact you did something outdoorsy right off the bat, doesn't lay the foundations for much romanticism I don't think.

I think after both of your dates, she probably started viewing you as a friend more than a potential partner.

There's two pieces of good news though.

1) She didn't block you on every possible platform, which means she wants you to have a way to get in touch. It wasn't an oversight that you're not blocked on IG.

2) When the country opens back up, I think she might agree to go on a real date, but - and this is key - only if you leave her alone from now until then. Don't message her until the second or third week of lifted restrictions.

Good luck.

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:40pm

Wallet Inspector wrote: »

It's awful OP - you're not alone. I've been there too (I'm female, been ghosted by men) - many of us have. You wrack your brains trying to figure it out - especially when things were going so well. How could there be such a sudden turnaround? Unfortunately there just can be - their circumstances have changed. With guys it can be because you put out or didn't put out. With women it might be that too - or they're suddenly freaked out by things seemingly moving fast. You have to try not to continue analysing it further though - you're only tormenting yourself. This is the only way to stop it getting to you.

Ghosting really is not just a woman thing.

Thanks for your reply and sorry to hear you have been ghosted in the past. Something happened but I would love to know what? I have got burnt in the past and I don’t want it to happen me the future again. Hope you are doing well after it happened to you

bobbysands81 · 26-04-2021 10:48pm

This person has blocked you, they’re not just ignoring you but they’ve blocked you. By blocking you they’re telling you not to contact them again. Don’t contact this person again, they don’t want you to.

You don’t know why they’re acting like this but that’s their decision and it’s out of your control. As it’s out of your control there is nothing you can do to make this person tell you what happened.

Time to move on...

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:49pm

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I cannot think of a better place for the OP to have posted. This is the only forum where people can respond freely instead of oozing faux Compassion.

Apologies, I’m not too up to date with this and I didn’t know where to post this. If a similar situation arises in the future I will look at a different option

Tell me how · 26-04-2021 10:50pm

Hammer89 wrote: »

Here's your problem OP:

The country is locked down and therefore there's quite a lot of limitations when it comes to traditional first date options.

A walk along the pier is nice and so is a hike of some description - I don't know where you brought her quite honestly - but if your dates happened during the day then that, combined with the fact you did something outdoorsy right off the bat, doesn't lay the foundations for much romanticism I don't think.

I think after both of your dates, she probably started viewing you as a friend more than a potential partner.

There's two pieces of good news though.

1) She didn't block you on every possible platform, which means she wants you to have a way to get in touch. It wasn't an oversight that you're not blocked on IG.

2) When the country opens back up, I think she might agree to go on a real date, but - and this is key - only if you leave her alone from now until then. Don't message her until the second or third week of lifted restrictions.

Good luck.

If she's this non-communicative, the OP should be glad of the experience and move on. If, as others have said, she might have decided to commit with someone else, should that end and she thinks the OP is still waiting in line she might use him for a few more weeks interest/validation etc.

Out of dignity for himself and what he has to offer, he should move on.

Johnnytractors · 26-04-2021 10:51pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'd suggest not spending more than a few days or maybe a week chatting before trying to arrange a meetup. That way you won't be too emotionally invested if it happens again. The most honest response I ever had online was along the lines of "Can we just meet up? I don't want to faff about for two weeks and then find out I don't fancy you?"

She didn't:-)

Anyway, best of luck.

Thanks for your reply. I will try that going forward so I will. Hopefully it will make a difference

YellowLead · 26-04-2021 10:52pm

Am I the only one who thinks using xxx in messages after only meeting 3 times is a bit red flaggy? That would give me ‘the ick’ (as much as I hate that phrase). People trying to get intimate too soon freak me out. I know that was her OP and not you as far as I recall but I’d be wary of that.
Or maybe I’m an oddball and that’s the norm!

Ghosted after a few good dates

Comments