The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Capt'n Midnight · 05-06-2019 9:46pm

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Cokey.......

But I turned myself around

And that's what it's all about.

byrner88 · 06-06-2019 12:31am

After finding out Paddy had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.

"It was amazing" Paddy gushed. "As we were both virgins made it even more special, it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."

"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.

"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door" Paddy replied.

byrner88 · 06-06-2019 2:13am

Hello Everyone.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous meeting.

I see alot of new faces here tonight.

Capt'n Midnight · 06-06-2019 7:36pm

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

Edgware · 06-06-2019 10:38pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

The old ones are the best

its_steve116 · 06-06-2019 11:31pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..... and that's when the trouble started.

He died in 1996.

g6fdyotp5nj2l7 · 06-06-2019 11:34pm

its_steve116 wrote:

He died in 1996.

They're still trying to get him in the coffin

rogni toyda · 07-06-2019 4:24am

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road

chewed · 07-06-2019 10:04am

I asked my local HMV store where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"

ohnonotgmail · 07-06-2019 3:24pm

i still remember the first time a girl sat on my face.
it was the last time i ever loaned anybody my A Team action figures.

Capt'n Midnight · 07-06-2019 9:23pm

Did you know ?

Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.

blade1 · 08-06-2019 11:48am

its_steve116 wrote: »

The heavy metal band Bring Me the Horizon take their name from a quote in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie in which Jack Sparrow says, "Now bring me the horizon."

Am I missing something blatantly obvious here or what?

its_steve116 · 08-06-2019 11:52am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Did you know ?

Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.

Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...

08-06-2019 12:09pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Did you know ?

Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.

its_steve116 wrote: »

Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuumnjJWFO4

Capt'n Midnight · 08-06-2019 12:29pm

its_steve116 wrote: »

Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...

The original statement may not have been entirely accurate.

It really has been a bit of a strange day!

First, I found a hat full of money, and then I got chased by an angry man with a guitar..?

BENDYBINN · 08-06-2019 12:41pm

What do you call a barrell
that tells jokes?

A gas barrell!

fryup · 08-06-2019 2:05pm

ohnonotgmail wrote: »

i still remember the first time a girl sat on my face.
it was the last time i ever loaned anybody my A Team action figures.

you may have to explain that one to younger users

Capt'n Midnight · 08-06-2019 3:28pm

fryup wrote: »

you may have to explain that one to younger users

are they 17 or A-teen ?

Capt'n Midnight · 08-06-2019 6:30pm

What's pink and hard and terrifies most teenage girls ?

the Leaving Cert maths higher level paper.

quickbeam · 08-06-2019 8:28pm

fryup wrote: »

you may have to explain that one to younger users

I'm far from young, and didn't get it. :eek:

Bob Harris · 08-06-2019 8:41pm

The A-team...BA Hannibal Murdoch Face......

So I'm guessing that kids nowadays don't sing

Jungle Bells Hannibal smells
Murdoch flew away
Face took off his smelly socks and
threw them at BA

11-06-2019 7:56am

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

TheChevron · 11-06-2019 11:01am

What a mad day I've had!

First I found a hat full of money on main street, then a man with a guitar chased me down the road.

Gloomtastic! · 11-06-2019 11:02am

^. You can sort of guess how they all voted in the Brexit Referendum. :rolleyes:

GBX · 11-06-2019 2:38pm

Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park. They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse is real.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-06-2019 6:52pm

Thought I saw the first ever skanger superhero today, he was running down the street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut .

Capt'n Midnight · 12-06-2019 5:12pm

A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the crap out of them first."

TheBody · 12-06-2019 6:20pm

Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching.

I asked how she was getting on.

She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".

Suckit · 12-06-2019 6:42pm

... "Since you took your Dove away.."

M.T. Cranium · 18-06-2019 10:12am

Never be afraid to take on something new ... remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Definition of a paedophile -- a snobby pedophile.

I was told I was lacking in self esteem. I knew it was probably obvious to everybody.

M.T. Cranium · 18-06-2019 11:04am

I was new at golf, and I hit a ball into a pond.

One of the members told me, "you have three options. You can drop a ball where your shot crossed the red line, and add one stroke. You can go back as far as you want and drop, same penalty. Or you can play the shot again from the same position, one stroke penalty."

So I said, "okay, that's all very well, but while you were explaining that, a fish spat out my ball and it's over there beyond those white stakes, see?"

"Oh that's bad luck," I was told, "now your ball is out of bounds and you have to go back and hit again, add a stroke."

"Well I'm not sure it's my ball, probably my ball is still down there, and I can hit from here instead."

"God, you're learning this game fast, it's amazing the progress you've made in just one hole" said the member.

Then another fish spat out a ball right onto the fairway. The member went over and looked at it -- "are you playing a Titleist four with a black dot?"

"Yeah," I said, "pretty sure I was."

"Well that's too bad, because this is a Taylormade, your Titleist is o.b., maybe you do need more lessons after all."

Bob Harris · 18-06-2019 3:18pm

My neighbours kids have challenged me to a water fight. I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil.

New Home · 18-06-2019 4:59pm

What’s the most common cause of dry skin?

Towels.

blade1 · 18-06-2019 5:44pm

New Home wrote: »

What’s the most common cause of dry skin?

Towels.

Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see!

byrner88 · 18-06-2019 9:21pm

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

New Home · 18-06-2019 11:28pm

blade1 wrote: »

Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see!

Yep, my friend, who told me that joke after I sent her the one about the water fight.

byrner88 · 19-06-2019 1:51am

My parents just told me they would love another child!

“Great, I would love a little brother” I said

“That’s not what we meant!” They replied

Bob Harris · 19-06-2019 8:47am

I heard that Old Trafford is set for a name change to Netflix Stadium.
It'll be known as the Theatre of Streams.

TheChevron · 19-06-2019 10:50pm

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.

byrner88 · 23-06-2019 8:34pm

My wife asked me "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"

Apparently "No its just you" wasn't the right answer.

RobMc59 · 24-06-2019 9:39am

My wife asked me to pass her lip balm...
I gave her super glue by mistake .
She's still not talking to me!

The Princess Bride · 24-06-2019 9:44am

I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.

byrner88 · 25-06-2019 12:04am

"Pick a card, any card you like," I said to my wife.

"Make sure you memorise it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"**** you Brian! It's our anniversary," she replied, before storming out of hallmark.

its_steve116 · 25-06-2019 12:33am

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I'm birdwatching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been seven owls and fifteen jays.

Since you took your dove away.

Capt'n Midnight · 25-06-2019 6:50pm

We're at that awkward part of the relationship.

She wants to meet my family.

The long silent drive up to the maximum security prison isn't helping.

byrner88 · 26-06-2019 12:03am

My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot.

I can't believe she took off like that.

26-06-2019 5:30pm

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted.

K.Flyer · 26-06-2019 10:03pm

I was chatting with a mate of mine today, who is a lift engineer.
I asked him how business was..
"Ah.. you know" he says, "up and down".

New Home · 26-06-2019 10:35pm

From "Long Time No See", a book by Dermot Healy:

A local councillor calls into an old man.
He says: "Joejoe, you're looking well!"
and the old man replies, "There were three stages of a man, I was once told - youth, middle age, and...?"
"And?"
"You're looking well!"

byrner88 · 28-06-2019 12:21am

My son started choking on a piece of Lego this morning.

"Pat him on the back!" screamed my wife.

"Well done son," I said, "Well done."

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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