Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2016 07:33AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

She hasn't behaved in any way that would get her in trouble so pursuing this with HR would harm my position.

Yes, because she hasn't done anything wrong other than not be as nice to you as you think she should be.

So what if she hates you? Is she obliged to like you? Does she get you in trouble in work? Does she make up lies about you and go to management with them? Everyone in work says you're doing a great job, so I guess that's a "No" then.

She doesn't like you. You need to learn to deal with that.

strandroad · 03-06-2016 07:43AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I have NO interest in this woman romantically.

You clearly have personal interest in her. You observe her outside of work, check her social media, measure her looks and lifestyle against yours, get riled up by her imagined slights.
It's actually bordering on creepy and her reaction might very well be down to the fact that she can sense your inappropriate interest. She keeps it professional though and so should you.
Just drop it.

bee06 · 03-06-2016 07:52AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

If I have never had any reason to receive a contemptuous approach and I have never been anything but professional in my interactions to a person I am entitled to feel this way. I am not imagining this.

OP, given the level of hate you've expressed for this woman I would find it hard to believe that doesn't show in your interactions with her.

03-06-2016 07:55AM

Leaving aside the fact that your "undisguised feelings" on this thread are painting you as a bit of an obsessed mentalist ... at worst what's happening here (and I'm not even sure it's the case) is you're working with an asshole ... we all do it and if it's making you "nauseous" that's your problem, suck it up.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2016 07:56AM

.... And you don't need to have romantic interest in someone to want to feel like they might be interested in you. It's a nice little ego boost to think people like us, regardless of whether we fancy them or not. She's not interested in you, and that bothers you.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 07:57AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You keep saying you are on the receiving end of her crap, her hate , but after many many many posts still aren't giving any examples. Not liking the way she looks at you isn't concrete enough. Her dealings with you are strictly business. She doesn't have to be friendly, and chatty. Some people naturally are introverted. Doesn't make them bitches. Most people sitting alone on the bus going to or coming from work look miserable! If someone is sitting on their own on a bus smiling away to themselves other passangers would be inclined to avoid them!

Look, you're not going to win this. I don't know what your problem is. You don't have to have any dealings with her whatsoever, other than work. So just do that. She doesn't want anything to do with you either, so you both want the same things! I fail to see your problem.

I don't want her to be gushing with gratitude that I did what I was told. I'm not a child. I just don't like being glared at and addressed in a poisonous way.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2016 08:01AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I just don't like being glared at and addressed in a poisonous way.

You can't control how someone looks at you. If she is addressing you in a "poisonous way", then that is concrete enough to go to HR with. Are there ever any witnesses to how she speaks to you? Or does she only do it when nobody else is around?

03-06-2016 08:10AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I'm not a child.

That is EXACTLY how you are coming across here, possibly to her too.

Taltos · 03-06-2016 08:11AM

Mod Note
OP - please dial it back a bit. The swear filters are here for a reason.
Per some of the posts above it might help the posters here offer you advice if you can give them specifics that they can address or advise on.

Her glaring or tone of language is not enough and as you can see is more about how you deal with this internally than address with management.

Also some off topic posts removed in general thread clean up

Rubberchikken · 03-06-2016 08:30AM

i've just read through the post, and tbh i'd don't see any bullying from this woman.
you may be reading too much into the 'glares' and 'tone' she uses. maybe it's time to accept that she may not 'like' you and let it go.

sometimes, as you must know, something on first meeting someone just jars us and it makes us that bit less likely to have any time for that person in the future.
i realise it's probably not professional to be this way towards a colleague but i don't think you can do anything to rectify it so just continue on with your work.

good luck

blairbear · 03-06-2016 08:30AM

I have to say, OP, that as a younger woman in a good position in the workplace, and as a woman, period, I find your posts quite alarming.

I would indeed be intimidated by you; you cannot even hide your misogyny in anonymous forum posts. And you are probably trying to paint yourself in a positive light and this lady in a negative one.

You sound very like the type of man who gets angry when a good looking woman does not immediately express interest in him. You seem to think you have a divine right to be liked, to be appreciated as a funny, cool guy, and to have your ego massaged and pandered to.

I bet she IS intimidated by you. You come across as aggressive, nasty, sexist and threatening. This woman probably has the measure of you and you can't stand that.

Perhaps I am making a lot of assumptions about you but you are making a lot of assumptions about her.

She may well look miserable on public transport because you're in the vicinity and are a highly unpleasant presence.

She may also have blocked you on social media.

daisybelle2008 · 03-06-2016 08:37AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I would give anything to be able to verbally abuse her with no comebacks. I have only spoken to her when she gave me instructions.

OP can you articulate the 'poisonous' way she speaks to you? Does anyone else back up your interpretation?

What you have said above is very nasty, and you have made a very very weak argument on here to justify that.

If there is nothing she has done to get her in trouble with HR (you said that). Then really you must be able to see that it is very hard to see your side of it.
Your conversation has been solely limited to work instruction. Please explain poisonous and vindictive? Those are strong words, if the other people there haven't noticed that is very strange.

Ande1975 · 03-06-2016 09:24AM

God reading through this thread reminds me so much of me when I was younger.

Disclaimer, apologies in advance but this is my interpretation from reading the OPs posts. I have witnessed these types of scenarios and I suspect that the OP is an individual who may be described as an acquired taste, very brash and self confident. I interpret the posts that way and met individuals like him in the past.

I would think this girl doesn't suffer fools and its a case of oil and water. These two shall never mix and that is ok (to her, she is completely indifferent). Whatever about her facial expressions (most of the time I've a face on me that would turn a milk sour but doesn't mean anything) but there is nothing to suggest she is 'bullying you'. The OP comes across as needy and self involved as there is no HR issue that I can see just a bruised ego and despite all the protests, the OP does wants to be liked by everyone (why spend 5 pages on an issue that can only be described as 'the pretty girl doesn't like me but why? why doesn't she like me?') and trying to rationalize it by saying that something must be 'wrong' with her and using her 'lack' of social media presence etc. as a reason.

OP, give it up, stop caring as she clearly doesn't. Waste of time and energy on your part.

seamus · 03-06-2016 09:32AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

As I said the icy and hateful attitude. I'm pretty good at reading people and she hates me. I don't why. I was only speculating in previous posts. Trust me. She hates me for some unknown reason.

I'm going to throw you a bone here.

Most people have difficulty distinguishing complete and utter indifference from hatred.
We make the assumption that if someone doesn't smile at us and respond positively, then they must dislike us.

Most likely she regards you as the guy who comes in for a couple of hours to do some stuff, she assigns it to you and then you're gone.
She doesn't work with you on any ongoing basis, so she has had no reason nor interest in connecting with you.

She doesn't hate you, she just doesn't care.

If she's introvert as you believe, then she likely keeps her friendly interactions to a small group. And if you're extroverted and flamboyant then she might even consider you to be the one who's hard work and difficult to be around, so she's just totally indifferent to you.

03-06-2016 09:36AM

OP, have you ever thought of the possibility that she wants to ride you?

screamer · 03-06-2016 09:48AM

So far all your examples have not demonstrated the bullying you allege. Your reading into her tones or stares or body language is just your interpretation.
If she is a cold detatched kind of person she and you will never get along and be buddies as you paint yourself to be the complete opposite of her. Most introverts find extroverts scary. Perhaps her icy stares are her way of subtly trying to tell you to tone it down. How about for a couple of days you just treat her civilly none of your what else can I do....and see if she changes too? Some people just work for the pay check they are not there to make friends so you need to accept that and change the way you react to her because that's the problem here you are allowing her behaviour to affect you.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 10:20AM

blairbear wrote: »

I have to say, OP, that as a younger woman in a good position in the workplace, and as a woman, period, I find your posts quite alarming.

I would indeed be intimidated by you; you cannot even hide your misogyny in anonymous forum posts. And you are probably trying to paint yourself in a positive light and this lady in a negative one.

You sound very like the type of man who gets angry when a good looking woman does not immediately express interest in him. You seem to think you have a divine right to be liked, to be appreciated as a funny, cool guy, and to have your ego massaged and pandered to.

I bet she IS intimidated by you. You come across as aggressive, nasty, sexist and threatening. This woman probably has the measure of you and you can't stand that.

Perhaps I am making a lot of assumptions about you but you are making a lot of assumptions about her.

She may well look miserable on public transport because you're in the vicinity and are a highly unpleasant presence.

She may also have blocked you on social media.

Turning up for work taking orders doing my job competently and conscientious is intimidating and misogynistic? Complaining about a sulky icy harpy who is miffed whatever reason means I am at fault? I repeat I do not have any interest in this woman. I just want to do my job. I'm sick to the back teeth with her behavior.

SB_Part2 · 03-06-2016 10:21AM

What behaviour? All you've said so far is that she's icy towards you and you don't like the way she looks at you.

Suzyq · 03-06-2016 10:41AM

As above, what behavior?

As far as I can tell; you don't like her, she may not like you. Why can't you deal with that?

DeltaWhite · 03-06-2016 10:42AM

Repulsive is the only word I can think of to describe your posts here OP. I dread to think how you actually behave with her in work. I've worked with men like you before and I had zero time for them. There's nothing worse than a sexist man in the workplace. I was known as the "ice queen" in my old job because I worked with 30 misogynist men and I was the only female who wouldn't tolerate the crap I had to put up with everyday. Totally sympathise with your superior!

Any concrete examples of her behaviour? I've still yet to see something she's done that I would consider bullying!

Ande1975 · 03-06-2016 10:46AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

Turning up for work taking orders doing my job competently and conscientious is intimidating and misogynistic? Complaining about a sulky icy harpy who is miffed whatever reason means I am at fault? I repeat I do not have any interest in this woman. I just want to do my job. I'm sick to the back teeth with her behavior.

If her 'behaviour' is an obstacle to you turning up for work taking orders doing your job competently and conscientously and going your job - then its a HR issue. If not then she just doesn't like you, end of. Just accept it and move on.

12Phase · 03-06-2016 10:51AM

OP, you're mind reading.
She hasn't done or said anything strange. You simply don't get on with her for whatever reason. That's irrelevant in the work place.

Also why are you even looking to see whether she has a social media presence or observing and noting her behaviour on public transport? That's irrelevant and none of your business and frankly a little creepy.

You're work colleagues and that's it.

In work you'll get on great with some people and you'll get on badly with others. As long as you're getting the work done and not giving each other hassle that's all that actually matters.

Different people have different personalities. Not everyone is interested in small talk or fraternising in the office. For some people work isn't a socialising space.

My advice is: focus on your work and forget about even contemplating this situation. You're going to walk yourself into a massive problem and you are building a whole nonsensical narrative about her based on nothing.

leggo · 03-06-2016 11:43AM

One thing nobody has mentioned yet is...a problem has to be fairly serious to the person involved to put to paper and then post on boards. And when there's no basis of examples of it actually happening aside from "she's not reacting to me like I want her to", OP you can't be THAT oblivious as to why everyone is saying there's something else here, can you?

PressRun · 03-06-2016 12:01PM

So, so far we've heard that she's "vindictive", a " harpy" and a "bitch", but with absolutely no concrete indication given as to why she deserves to be referred to in the above way (not that I think it's ever OK to bandy about the above labels). Maybe she doesn't like you. Guess what? She doesn't have to. She's not bullying you. Frankly, you sound obsessed and creepy and like a bit of a bully yourself.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 12:14PM

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

OP, have you ever thought of the possibility that she wants to ride you?

Well that's not going to happen.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 12:27PM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You keep saying you are on the receiving end of her crap, her hate , but after many many many posts still aren't giving any examples. Not liking the way she looks at you isn't concrete enough. Her dealings with you are strictly business. She doesn't have to be friendly, and chatty. Some people naturally are introverted. Doesn't make them bitches. Most people sitting alone on the bus going to or coming from work look miserable! If someone is sitting on their own on a bus smiling away to themselves other passangers would be inclined to avoid them!

Look, you're not going to win this. I don't know what your problem is. You don't have to have any dealings with her whatsoever, other than work. So just do that. She doesn't want anything to do with you either, so you both want the same things! I fail to see your problem.

Everyone else I work with says hello and chats and is good humored except her. I've only spoken to her professionally and she has an icy coldness in how she talks and total distain for me. I have no romantic interest in her and quite frankly some of the comments on this thread are utterly ridiculous. I'm not needy. I have a wide circle of friends outside of work and I get on with everyone. I just work with her once a week and I am amused with what she is going to come out with next. She is utterly odious. I initially had pity but now mutual hate.

Story Bud? · 03-06-2016 12:29PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

Everyone else I work with says hello and chats and is good humored except her. I've only spoken to her professionally and she has an icy coldness in how she talks and total distain for me. I have no romantic interest in her and quite frankly some of the comments on this thread are utterly ridiculous. I'm not needy. I have a wide circle of friends outside of work and I get on with everyone. I just work with her once a week and I am amused with what she is going to come out with next. She is utterly odious. I initially had pity but now mutual hate.

Give us an example of "what she comes out with".

SB_Part2 · 03-06-2016 12:30PM

Story Bud? wrote: »

Give us an example of "what she comes out with".

He won't. He's been asked numerous times. He will say she gives him icy looks and a bitch.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 12:30PM

DeltaWhite wrote: »

Repulsive is the only word I can think of to describe your posts here OP. I dread to think how you actually behave with her in work. I've worked with men like you before and I had zero time for them. There's nothing worse than a sexist man in the workplace. I was known as the "ice queen" in my old job because I worked with 30 misogynist men and I was the only female who wouldn't tolerate the crap I had to put up with everyday. Totally sympathise with your superior!

Any concrete examples of her behaviour? I've still yet to see something she's done that I would consider bullying!

Sexist? Most of my work colleagues are women. None of them have any problems working with me. The only one who is a problem is herself.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 12:33PM

SB_Part2 wrote: »

He won't. He's been asked numerous times. He will say she gives him icy looks and a bitch.

Isn't that specific? That's what she does.

Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

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