Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

LegacyUser · 02-06-2016 12:35PM

If she overloads you with work then how are you able to go back and ask her for more? It really sounds like the issue is with you. One mans glare is another mans look. You seem annoyed that she's aloof. Why?

Big Bag of Chips · 02-06-2016 07:20PM

I've just read back your posts and they are very subjective. You feel she glares at you. You believe she speaks with undisguised hatred. She's vindictive (although zero examples of how she's vindictive) she's younger, small and very pretty and you think she's "probably" intimidated by your larger, stronger, athletic physique. These are all things coming from your own interpretation. Are younger smaller pretty girls usually intimidated by you? Is that why you believe she is? I know if I felt intimidated by someone I would stay completely out of their way! Not glare at them and speak with undisguised hatred to them! She "probably" expects people to crawl to her? Do the other people you work with crawl to her? Could you being uber nice, and helpful and going back looking for more work be interpreted as YOU crawling to her? But maybe you're not getting the reaction from her that you expect from younger, smaller, very pretty girls? The things you are saying about her, and about how you'd like to react to her, and how you only wish her bad are quite nasty. Ironically, you are the one coming across as hostile and vindictive. You haven't given any examples of her being hostile, or vindictive in work, just that's she's not fawning over you and not joining in on the laughs you'd like to have. But you have plenty to say about your perception of her private life, and how you'd like to turn on her and see her reaction.

I think the issue is more you than her. You're expecting a specific reaction from her to you, and she's not playing ball... Therefore she's "deeply unhappy, vindictive".... Etc etc etc. You might get plenty of female attention. You might have loads of craic and banter with other females you work with, they may fancy you, they may just think you're a bit of craic. This girl thinks neither. Stop obsessing over her and analysing her every move. Because I can guarantee you one thing, you are not taking up as much of her thoughts, as she is yours!

Augme · 02-06-2016 07:34PM

You sound a bit unhealthy obsessed with her tbh OP.

strandroad · 02-06-2016 08:05PM

You don't make a good argument here OP, she doesn't seem out of line apart from that she works you reasonably hard and she's not willing to be your friend.

What you describe is like when a labrador puppy tries to get a cat to play with him... she's a cat and she doesn't care for you, find other puppies to play with!

PressRun · 02-06-2016 08:16PM

What does her being pretty and smaller than you have to do with anything? And why is you being sporty and extroverted relevant? You sound fairly pleased with yourself, OP, and it sounds like you're used to/expect a certain reaction from other people (perhaps specifically women?) and she's not giving it to you, and therefore she becomes "vindictive" and a "bitch". Tbh, I think I've met people like you before - a certain hostility emerges when they realise not everyone thinks they're such craic. Your issues with her sound very personal and it sounds like you're the one with the problem.

Story Bud? · 02-06-2016 08:18PM

You seem hung up on the fact that she's a woman and younger than you and yet in a higher position. (why mention twice that she's female? Does it matter?)

She's pretty and "intimidated" by you? Why? Because you're a man? You think women are that easily intimidated? She's your boss remember. I think you're intimidated by her.

You say that you don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you hate her by being cheerful. If anything she's probably picking up on your passive aggressiveness and knows that you don't like her.

Get over her and move on. You'll be much happier in your job.

rjpf1980 · 02-06-2016 10:47PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

I started off feeling quite empathetic towards you, OP, because dealing with a difficult boss/ colleague is tough.

Your posts are getting really bitchy and vindictive themselves as they go on though. Get over it, maybe she doesn't like you. Not everyone has to. Not everyone likes their job. Maybe she's got crazy stuff happening in her personal life that means she's on edge in work. Maybe you're actually a terrible worker and that's why she's hard on you. We really only have your side of it.

I have never spoken to this <snip - no need for that OP> on any level except when she gives me orders. I follow my orders and do my job. I have done absolutely nothing whatsoever to be on the receiving end of this crap. I want to tell her to <snip> off. She knows it and gets off on it. Why she is behaving this way is her fault not mine.

rjpf1980 · 02-06-2016 10:50PM

Story Bud? wrote: »

You seem hung up on the fact that she's a woman and younger than you and yet in a higher position. (why mention twice that she's female? Does it matter?)

She's pretty and "intimidated" by you? Why? Because you're a man? You think women are that easily intimidated? She's your boss remember. I think you're intimidated by her.

You say that you don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you hate her by being cheerful. If anything she's probably picking up on your passive aggressiveness and knows that you don't like her.

Get over her and move on. You'll be much happier in your job.

I don't know why she is behaving the way she is having never interacted to her on any other level beyond when she gives orders. I am only guessing. I don't know. At this stage she's just an enemy and I hate her right back. I did nothing to her and I do not deserve to be bullied like this.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 10:53PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I have never spoken to this bitch on any level except when she gives me orders. I follow my orders and do my job. I have done absolutely nothing whatsoever to be on the receiving end of this crap. I want to tell her to f*ck off. She knows it and gets off on it. Why she is behaving this way is her fault not mine.

You have left the mask slip. You are coming across as a control freak, who just can't get that someone thinks your a knobjockey, it matters not if you are or not she has every right to dislike and even hate you, if you think it has gone in to the bullying sphere then make a complaint, otherwise do your job and ignore her.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 10:55PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I don't know why she is behaving the way she is having never interacted to her on any other level beyond when she gives orders. I am only guessing. I don't know. At this stage she's just an enemy and I hate her right back. I did nothing to her and I do not deserve to be bullied like this.

A funny thing I have learned in life is the person who claims they are being bullied is often the bully.

rjpf1980 · 02-06-2016 11:01PM

bee06 wrote: »

OP stated she speaks to him with undisguised hatred and "glares" at him, gives him menial work and treats him like a dogsbody. If he has such a problem with her he should discuss the issue with HR.

To be honest, I think it's more of a personality clash and the OP can't accept that not everyone in the world likes him but if he thinks it's more than that then he should try and resolve it.

I don't want her to like me and I don't want everyone to like me. So your dead wrong.

rjpf1980 · 02-06-2016 11:07PM

Pro Hoc Vice wrote: »

A funny thing I have learned in life is the person who claims they are being bullied is often the bully.

In what way is following orders and doing my job well but nonetheless being on the receiving end of undiguised hatred and hostility bulling on my part? I did nothing to this woman. I have never challenged her and don't want to. I don't know her and I don't want to now. I want to do my work and leave it at that.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 11:08PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I don't want her to like me and I don't want everyone to like me. So your dead wrong.

It's funny a number of people on this forum who don't know her, and I accept based only on your post all think the same thing. Now either all of us is smoking crack or we all misunderstand your posts or just maybe we are right and for a lot less than a shrink you got some good insight.

Pro Hoc Vice · 02-06-2016 11:09PM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

In what way is following orders and doing my job well but nonetheless being on the receiving end of undiguised hatred and hostility bulling on my part? I did nothing to this woman. I have never challenged her and don't want to. I don't know her and I don't want to now. I want to do my work and leave it at that.

Then invoke the bullying and harassment procedure and ignore her.

leggo · 03-06-2016 12:30AM

+1 for the fancying her theory.

Why are you observing her being 'very pretty'? Why are you checking if she's on social media or not? Some of the stuff you've said doesn't add up. Why did you make a list of how big and sporty and extroverted you were? What does that have to do with workplace bullying? Sounds like you're trying to sell yourself. No offence, but you sound a bit like a guy getting angry in a club when a girl doesn't pay them any mind. And, yes, you seem obsessed here.

Have you considered the fact that you're frustrated because she's just not that into you? Maybe she even thinks you're creepy and has picked up on your obsession with her and you're lashing out at that. There's nothing worse than the colleague who's just using the job to try build their social and sex life. It's fair enough being mates with people, but if it comes at the expense of doing your job or if you get hung up on little things, it grates on everyone. Especially people who are accountable for all of the work being done at the end of the day.

Just do your job. You're there to pay bills, that's it.

cloudatlas · 03-06-2016 01:10AM

"The hostility does not manifest itself in open abuse".

Then where does the bullying come in exactly?! I'm baffled. She doesn't bad mouth you to others, she doesn't insult you, she gives you work you don't like but it is well within your remit. There is no case here. Do your job.

Don't react to this otherwise you will be the one accused of bullying. I am also bothered by the way you think that others should fit into your cookie cutter ideal of what a workplace should be. Some people don't like small talk and go to work to get the head down not to have wee chats at the water cooler and slap each other on the back for all you know all that could be fake anyway.

face1990 · 03-06-2016 02:25AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I have done absolutely nothing whatsoever to be on the receiving end of this crap... Why she is behaving this way is her fault not mine.

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I don't know why she is behaving the way she is

rjpf1980 wrote: »

nonetheless being on the receiving end of undiguised hatred and hostility

OP, you still haven't given any concrete examples.

So far we've established you don't like the way she looks at you, and that she gives you jobs you consider menial.
Both of those are normal for any job, and fall into the 'tough shít' catagory of everyday life problems.

Is there anything else?
Any objective hostility?
(Who she rides the bus with doesn't count)

Story Bud? · 03-06-2016 04:37AM

You only talk to her when she gives you orders.

So when is this bullying happening?

Esel · 03-06-2016 06:06AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I work in a large organization with a number of branches which requires me to travel between each branch every day.

All branches reasonably close together then. If you drive, then just enjoy the driving, use it to unwind. At red lights, engage neutral and put the handbrake on; put your hands in your lap amd feel the tension leaving your body. When the light goes green, drive away. Rinse and repeat.

Look up a Little Village song called "Don't Think About Her When You're Trying to Drive". The whole album is great (imo).

Just do your own rounds. Don't go out of bounds. On payday, cash your cheque. Don't be a train wreck.

tl/dr: Don't think about her when you're trying to drive, because she's not thinking about you when she's on the bus.

SB_Part2 · 03-06-2016 06:10AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I have never spoken to this bitch on any level except when she gives me orders. I follow my orders and do my job. I have done absolutely nothing whatsoever to be on the receiving end of this crap. I want to tell her to f*ck off. She knows it and gets off on it. Why she is behaving this way is her fault not mine.

If your attitude here reflects what your attitude is like in work then it's pretty obvious why she doesn't like you.

She gets off on it? Please. Cop onto yourself now.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 06:39AM

leggo wrote: »

+1 for the fancying her theory.

Why are you observing her being 'very pretty'? Why are you checking if she's on social media or not? Some of the stuff you've said doesn't add up. Why did you make a list of how big and sporty and extroverted you were? What does that have to do with workplace bullying? Sounds like you're trying to sell yourself. No offence, but you sound a bit like a guy getting angry in a club when a girl doesn't pay them any mind. And, yes, you seem obsessed here.

Have you considered the fact that you're frustrated because she's just not that into you? Maybe she even thinks you're creepy and has picked up on your obsession with her and you're lashing out at that. There's nothing worse than the colleague who's just using the job to try build their social and sex life. It's fair enough being mates with people, but if it comes at the expense of doing your job or if you get hung up on little things, it grates on everyone. Especially people who are accountable for all of the work being done at the end of the day.

Just do your job. You're there to pay bills, that's it.

I don't fancy her. End of. Observing someone is pretty does not mean someone is attracted to them. I've seen some pretty heroin addicts too.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 06:44AM

Story Bud? wrote: »

You only talk to her when she gives you orders.

So when is this bullying happening?

As I said the icy and hateful attitude. I'm pretty good at reading people and she hates me. I don't why. I was only speculating in previous posts. Trust me. She hates me for some unknown reason.

SB_Part2 · 03-06-2016 06:46AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I don't fancy her. End of. Observing someone is pretty does not mean someone is attracted to them. I've seen some pretty heroin addicts too.

Do you look them up on Facebook as well?

Esel · 03-06-2016 06:53AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

I've seen some pretty heroin addicts too.

What? Like models in magazines?

Or did you mean pretty fup duck heroin addicts?

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2016 06:59AM

I think you're a bit all over the place, OP. It sounds a bit like you went into that branch, spotted a "very pretty" (your words) girl, who you thought you had nothing to do except flash your charm and she'd be like a giggly little girl around you. She clearly didn't appreciate your advances? attention? so made a conscious decision to keep you very much at arms length.

You said you think she's intimidated by you? Yet you think she "gets off on" treating you badly to goad you into a reaction where you, a much bigger and physically stronger man would turn on her and tell her to fk off?? Seriously? Think about it. If I, as a smaller woman, feel intimidated by someone physically bigger and stronger than me, the last thing I want to do is piss them off to provoke a reaction. (Them feeling pissed off is usually very subjective because the feel they are not getting the reaction/attention they feel entitled to. So not getting it, makes them pissed off!)

I think maybe you do intimidate her a bit. I think she feels very uneasy in your presence and senses from you that you don't like her, purely because she isn't giggling around you and delighted to be going for a drink with you some evening. I think your ego is bruised. This younger, smaller, pretty girl isn't interested and therefore she has confused you..... And annoyed you.

Your first post was basic enough, explaining without giving much detail of how this woman is horrible to you. Your other posts paint a different picture. The way you describe her. The vitriol you direct at her has made for uneasy reading, if I'm honest. You have been openly aggressive, abusive and just plain nasty here. Whereas you admit she isn't openly nasty to you. You just don't like the way she looks at you (doesn't smile and flutter her eye lashes?) And the way she speaks to you (keeps it to the basics of what she needs to tell you to do without the giggling and flirting?).

I think she has seen through your outward veneer of this confident, athletic, sociable, fun guy and she saw that you've grown to expect girls to automatically like you, and when they don't reciprocate you become quite nasty because you feel entitled to their attention. It's a lesson learned for you. Not every girl is going to be blown away by you. It doesn't make them a bitch though!

Story Bud? · 03-06-2016 07:05AM

rjpf1980 wrote: »

As I said the icy and hateful attitude. I'm pretty good at reading people and she hates me. I don't why. I was only speculating in previous posts. Trust me. She hates me for some unknown reason.

So she hasn't done anything, this is just you"reading" her?

The language you use to describe this little pretty bitch, suggests that you're the hateful one here.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 07:08AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you're a bit all over the place, OP. It sounds a bit like you went into that branch, spotted a "very pretty" (your words) girl, who you thought you had nothing to do except flash your charm and she'd be like a giggly little girl around you. She clearly didn't appreciate your advances? attention? so makes a conscious decision to keep you very much at arms length.

You said you think she's intimidated by you? Yet you think she "gets off on" treating you badly to goad you into a reaction where you, a much bigger and physically stronger man would turn in her and tell her to fk off?? Seriously? Thinj about it. If I, as a smaller woman feel intimidated by someone physically bigger and stronger than me, the last thing I want to do is try to provoke a reaction.

I think maybe you do intimidate her a bit. I think she feels very uneasy in your presence and senses from you that you don't like her, purely because she isn't giggling around you and delighted to be going for a drink with you some evening. I think your ego is bruised. This younger, smaller, pretty girl isn't interested and therefore she has confused you.

Your first post was basic enough, explaining without giving much detail of how this woman is horrible to you. Your other posts paint a different picture. The way you describe her. The vitriol you direct at her has made for uneasy reading, if I'm honest. You have been openly aggressive, abusive and just plain nasty here. Whereas you admit she isn't openly nasty to you. You just don't like the way she looks at you (doesn't smile and flutter her eye lashes?) And the way she speaks to you (keeps it to the basics of what she needs to tell you to do without the giggling and flirting?).

I think she has seen through your outward veneer of this confident, athletic, sociable, fun guy and she saw that you've grown to expect girls to automatically like you, and when they don't reciprocate you become quite nasty because you feel entitled to their attention. It's a lesson learned for you. Not every girl is going to be blown away by you. It doesn't make them a bitch though!

I have NO interest in this woman romantically.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 07:12AM

Story Bud? wrote: »

So she hasn't done anything, this is just you"reading" her?

The language you use to describe this little pretty bitch, suggests that you're the hateful one here.

If I have never had any reason to receive a contemptuous approach and I have never been anything but professional in my interactions to a person I am entitled to feel this way. I am not imagining this.

rjpf1980 · 03-06-2016 07:22AM

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think you're a bit all over the place, OP. It sounds a bit like you went into that branch, spotted a "very pretty" (your words) girl, who you thought you had nothing to do except flash your charm and she'd be like a giggly little girl around you. She clearly didn't appreciate your advances? attention? so makes a conscious decision to keep you very much at arms length.

You said you think she's intimidated by you? Yet you think she "gets off on" treating you badly to goad you into a reaction where you, a much bigger and physically stronger man would turn in her and tell her to fk off?? Seriously? Thinj about it. If I, as a smaller woman feel intimidated by someone physically bigger and stronger than me, the last thing I want to do is try to provoke a reaction.

I think maybe you do intimidate her a bit. I think she feels very uneasy in your presence and senses from you that you don't like her, purely because she isn't giggling around you and delighted to be going for a drink with you some evening. I think your ego is bruised. This younger, smaller, pretty girl isn't interested and therefore she has confused you.

Your first post was basic enough, explaining without giving much detail of how this woman is horrible to you. Your other posts paint a different picture. The way you describe her. The vitriol you direct at her has made for uneasy reading, if I'm honest. You have been openly aggressive, abusive and just plain nasty here. Whereas you admit she isn't openly nasty to you. You just don't like the way she looks at you (doesn't smile and flutter her eye lashes?) And the way she speaks to you (keeps it to the basics of what she needs to tell you to do without the giggling and flirting?).

I think she has seen through your outward veneer of this confident, athletic, sociable, fun guy and she saw that you've grown to expect girls to automatically like you, and when they don't reciprocate you become quite nasty because you feel entitled to their attention. It's a lesson learned for you. Not every girl is going to be blown away by you. It doesn't make them a bitch though!

I keep my vitriol out of the workplace. I do what I am told and I do my job well. That's what I am paid to do. My feelings on this thread are undisguised. I did nothing to this woman. Before I was on the receiving end of this crap I never met her before and I have no desire to know her now. To try and understand I snooped just to see was she like this and she has no social media account like most of my colleagues who post stuff about holidays family interests and the like. She rides to work with the same sulk on her face. She seems to be a sad bitter person devoid of warmth. That's not my problem but her icy approach to me is her trying to make it mine.
She hasn't behaved in any way that would get her in trouble so pursuing this with HR would harm my position.

Big Bag of Chips · 03-06-2016 07:29AM

You keep saying you are on the receiving end of her crap, her hate , but after many many many posts still aren't giving any examples. Not liking the way she looks at you isn't concrete enough. Her dealings with you are strictly business. She doesn't have to be friendly, and chatty. Some people naturally are introverted. Doesn't make them bitches. Most people sitting alone on the bus going to or coming from work look miserable! If someone is sitting on their own on a bus smiling away to themselves other passangers would be inclined to avoid them!

Look, you're not going to win this. I don't know what your problem is. You don't have to have any dealings with her whatsoever, other than work. So just do that. She doesn't want anything to do with you either, so you both want the same things! I fail to see your problem.

Unwarranted Hostility From Female Colleague

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