The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:12PM

Holy Moly,I've just found out I've got 11 fingers.
Counted from 10,9,8,7,6 and 5 =11.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:12PM

Holy Moly,I've just found out I've got 11 fingers.
Counted from 10,9,8,7,6 and 5 =11.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:13PM

22.:eek:

Capt'n Midnight · 02-05-2016 01:15PM

8.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:18PM

So did I, I had a ploughman's lunch,he wasn't too happy when I nicked it.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:23PM

What do you call a snail without a shell?.

Homeless.

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:31PM

I fancied a game of darts with my farmer mate.

He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" ...He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" ...He said "You're closest!"

Hagar7 · 02-05-2016 01:33PM

Guy goes to the doctor and tells him he's having trouble with his baws.
Doctor examines them and then says,
"Do you masturbate?"
Guy rather sheepishly replies, "Yes, quite a lot."
Doctor says, "It's great, isn't it."

Farmer Ed · 02-05-2016 05:04PM

Paddy lifted his Guinness said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, paddy!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of paddys drinking buddies on the
Road The man chuckled leeringly and said, "paddy won the
prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".

armaghlad · 02-05-2016 05:28PM

I like the "I like my women the way I like my coffee jokes"...

I like a woman the way I like my coffee...

With two es in her

CUCINA · 04-05-2016 07:56AM

People in Dubai don't watch "The Flintstones" but people in Abu Dhabi do!

Witchie · 04-05-2016 09:14AM

CUCINA wrote: »

People in Dubai don't watch "The Flintstones" but people in Abu Dhabi do!

Sent this to my sister last year when she was sitting in Abu Dhabi airport on her way home from Indian and she reckoned it was the funniest thing ever. I do love this joke.

Mr Tibbs · 05-05-2016 06:42PM

I saw an add in the paper today saying, free manure at Woodies
I went down to find out it was bullsh*t

coolhull · 05-05-2016 11:52PM

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and put her out into the backyard..and she better not sh1t in the vegetable garden again."
After that, the silence in the taxi was deafening..............

TheBody · 06-05-2016 09:49PM

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.
I'm worried sh1tless.

MonkieSocks · 07-05-2016 09:21AM

I went for a Testicle check-up last week.

The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said,

"Don't worry; it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure.

“I said, "I haven't got an erection."

She said "No, but I have."

wp_rathead · 07-05-2016 11:38AM

I know a guy who drowned in a bowl of Museli..
..he was pulled under by a strong currant

Mr Tibbs · 07-05-2016 07:58PM

Eat Prunes my mother used to always say
They will give you a good run for your money

coolhull · 09-05-2016 12:41AM

Mick returns from the doctor, pale and scared-looking. He tells his wife that the doctor informed him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the serious prognosis, Mick suggests that they make the most of what time is left, and they should go upstairs and have sex .
His wife naturally agrees, and they go to bed and make passionate love.
Some time later , Mick approaches his wife again. ‘’Honey, you know I’ve only have about twelve hours to live now. How about another blast at the ould love-making?’’
Of course his wife readily agrees, and they go at it again like rabbits
Later, Mick looks at his watch, and then taps his wife on the shoulder. ‘‘There’s only about nine hours left. Honey, do you think we could have another go?’’
She agrees, and they have another bout.
Four hours later, Mick says, ‘’Only five hours left now, honey. Maybe we could play ‘ hide the sausage’ again.....?
‘’Okay, dear,’’ she replies, (a bit less enthusiastically) and they go at it again.
After this session, the wife yawns, turns over and goes to sleep. Mick, however, dreading his impending doom, tosses and turns. Finally, when the clock shows he has only a few hours of life left to him, taps his wife’s shoulder again and she wakes.
‘’You know, honey, I have less than three hours left now, Do you think maybe we could.........?’’
At this point his wife sits up in bed, turns to her husband and says : ’’Ah for fcuks’s sake, Mick, I have to get up in the morning.... You don’t’’

Capt'n Midnight · 10-05-2016 11:40PM

My mother in law used to say, "Always give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

emeldc · 11-05-2016 10:53AM

I went to Cork to see the mother in law last week.
She lives in Sligo but she looks better from Cork.

Birneybau · 11-05-2016 01:25PM

Bloke goes into the library, up to the librarian.

"Excuse me, do you have any books on paranoia?".

Librarian - "They're behind you"

chewed · 11-05-2016 02:41PM

A bloke goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet."

He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

Tigerbaby · 11-05-2016 02:44PM

Birneybau wrote: »

Bloke goes into the library, up to the librarian.

"Excuse me, do you have any books on paranoia?".

Librarian - "They're behind you"

Could also be used for "books about pantomimes" ..

eisenberg1 · 11-05-2016 04:07PM

A drunk wanders in to a library, and roars at the librarian
"HEY YOU, GET ME A BATTERED SAUSAGE AND CHIPS, FAST!"

She replies "please sir, this is a library.

The drunk whispers back "sorry, get me a battered sausage and chips, fast"

bonzodog2 · 11-05-2016 04:20PM

And while we're at it......

"Have you got any books about suicide ?"
Librarian: "Feck off, you won't bring it back"

gramar · 11-05-2016 04:26PM

A librarian was working late one night at a small-town library. A chicken walked in, hopped up on the desk, and said, "Book, book, book!"

The librarian was a bit startled, but she quickly handed the chicken three books. The chicken put one under each wing, one in its beak, and walked out.

A few minutes later, the chicken returned, dropped those three books on the floor, hopped up on the counter, and said, "Book, book, book!"

Once again, the librarian gave the chicken three books, the chicken tucked one under each wing, took the third in its beak, and walked out.

Not long after the chicken came back again. It dropped the books on the floor, hopped up, and said, "Book, book, book!"

This time, the librarian decided to get to the bottom of this. She gave three books to the chicken, and when it walked away, she followed it. She got as far as a pond in the park and there the chicken stopped in front of bullfrog. He took one look at the books the chicken was carrying and croaked, "Read it, read it, read it!"

coolhull · 11-05-2016 10:47PM

www.Conjunctivitis.com

Is that a site for sore eyes?

coolhull · 14-05-2016 01:43AM

Patrick, who was on a short holiday in Australia with group from the Senior Citizens Home, was having no success with the ladies. So he asked the local life-guard for some tips.
‘’Mate’’, said the lifeguard, ‘’It’s obvious what the problem is. You’re wearing those baggy old swimming trunks that make you look even older than you are. Your best bet is to buy a set of snazzy Speedos - about two sizes too small – then shove a fist-sized potato down inside them and swagger around the beach. I’m tellin ya mate, the women will go crazy for ya.’’
The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach wearing a brand new set of really tight Speedos, and with a potato dropped down inside them.
But curiously all the women on the beach looked disgusted as he strode by. Turning away, hiding their faces, giggling behind their hands. Some even looked a bit sick.
Patrick couldn’t understand it, so he went back to the lifeguard and said to him, ‘’ I did everything you told me. What’s wrong now?’’
‘’God dammit, mate,'' said the lifeguard, ’’ The potato is meant to go down the front!’’

Stigura · 14-05-2016 03:10AM

Got up, the other day. I felt absolutely fcucking Great! Went for a wander. Ran into Pat. He takes one look at me and says; " Fcuking hell, Stigura! Seriously. WTF?! You look bloody awful! "

I'm like; " Naah, Pat! I feel fantastic! ". But, Pat insists I look ghastly. In fact, he says I really ought to see my GP. I'm looking That bad.

So, fcuk it. I ring Padraig, to get me down to the doctors. Taxi pulls up and Padraig recoils in disgust at the sight of me! " Holy Mother Of God!!! Stigura! Ye look fcuking terrible! " ..........

Got me to the surgery. I'm virtually rushed in to see Dr Moran. He visibly winced when he saw me. But asked what was up. I said; " Doc; Everyone says I look ghastly. But, I feel fantastic! WTF?! "

Well, he got this big book down and said, " Let me see ..... 'Feels Fantastic. Looks Fantastic' ....? Nope. "

" 'Feels Terrible. Looks Fantastic' ....?' Not you! "

" Aha! 'Feels Fantastic. Looks Terrible' And there we have it! ............... You're a Cnut! "

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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