Should I feel this uncomfortable ?

LegacyUser · 18-04-2016 04:51PM #1

So this has me very nervous because I have only told one person. Sorry if this is not the right place or if it even should be up here

I've been dating a guy for the last month or so... sweet person and generally nice to be around.

We had planned to go to his and watch a few movies, none of "you know" planned which is grand and I was pretty sure of that

Anyways movies and then some cuddling kissing and then sleep... until I woke up around two in the morning to him ....apologies for the crudeness...humping me and being quite noisy.. I didn't know what to think... I didn't move I didn't react I was obviously still only waking up but yeah... I can't or don't know how to feel about it. I just let it be...and I'm embarrassed that it happened...

Head is all over the place about it and I'm just wondering am I right to feel uncomfortable that it happened given that I had been sharing a bed with him?

Johnnyhpipe · 18-04-2016 07:47PM

Just to be clear... You woke up to him having penetrative sex with you or you woke up to him dry humping your leg??? ðŸ˜³

CaraMay · 18-04-2016 07:51PM

Why are you embarrassed? I would be raging.

nkav86 · 18-04-2016 07:51PM

Yeah..... that's awkward to say the least! If it was just an over the clothes thing I would still be extremely cautious, this could be behaviour that can escalate into more dangerous situations. I would steer clear as a precaution but you may want to discuss it with him to figure out why he did this.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2016 09:02PM

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Just to be clear... You woke up to him having penetrative sex with you or you woke up to him dry humping your leg??? ðŸ˜³

OP here. It was clothes on humping me...not necessarily my leg. Basically humping around the general area that one would do that.

Thanks for the advice guys. Yeah i feel embarrassed about the whole thing and really awkward .

CaraMay · 18-04-2016 09:25PM

Let him off. That's creepy

nkav86 · 18-04-2016 09:29PM

Howshouldifeel wrote:

Thanks for the advice guys. Yeah i feel embarrassed about the whole thing and really awkward .

You shouldn't feel embarrassed, although I understand why you might, he was out of order, think of it as a guy smacking your ass on a night out. Totally him being a douche and you should feel disgusted!

Faith · 18-04-2016 09:43PM

Was he awake or asleep while it was happening?

Dtp1979 · 18-04-2016 10:18PM

Im pretty sure it's called sexsomnia. That's if he's asleep of course.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2016 10:23PM

You shouldn't be embarrassed,at the same time I know why you feel like that.
Did he say anything after? Even typing that gives me the creeps 😕 I would be a little wary of him. It's mainly due to the fact you don't know him well enough and he's as bold as to dry hump you while you were asleep

batmanrobin · 18-04-2016 11:29PM

Yikes! Not exactly pleasant! Do you think he was awake? I've had some intense dreams where I've woken up with my hips in rhythm (no one in the bed with me). It could be he was asleep, but of course you're going to be a bit on edge about the whole thing!

I'd suggest talking to him about it, but do you think you'd trust him if he said he had been asleep? Have you felt any pressure from him to have sex?

meeeeh · 18-04-2016 11:51PM

Unless he was doing it in his sleep it is a sexual assault. There is absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. He did something you never consented to. I don't think there is much you can do but avoid him.

PressRun · 18-04-2016 11:54PM

If he was awake when this was happening, then it's pretty creepy behaviour and of course you're within your rights to feel uncomfortable. It actually saddens me that women feel like it's somehow 'wrong' for them to be uncomfortable with something like this. You're entitled to your feelings and he's not entitled to do creepy things to you when you're asleep.

If he was asleep, then it's something you need to mention to him.

LegacyUser · 19-04-2016 09:01AM

OP Here again

Pretty sure he was awake as once he was done he went back to sleep.

Pretty much leaving him away now at this point. I've only been dating the guy for a really short time and if I was with him longer I probably would have had a chat about this with him but so soon into whatever it was I'm not sure it would have helped.

Thanks for all the feedback guys

DeltaWhite · 19-04-2016 09:26AM

My ex bf used to do this every single time I stayed over. And he never remembered it the next day until I said it to him. I didn't mind but thats because we were a couple. What that guy did is creepy. I would be creeped out too especially if you both established beforehand that there would be no sex. Did you say anything to him?

kjl · 19-04-2016 09:39AM

If it were me I would get rid of him; that is creepy.

But at the same time; if you are not in a sexual relationship with someone you need to be careful about sleeping in the same bed as them. I am not saying that you are meant to have sex with them but after a month of dating and agreeing to stay the night, there is kind of an implied contract.

I think you should have ended the night after the kiss and cuddles and went home. Not that this excuses the behaviour at all; just be really careful about leading guys on. In this occasion he dry humped you, but you never know what could happen in the future.

Loughc · 19-04-2016 10:48AM

kjl wrote: »

If it were me I would get rid of him; that is creepy.

But at the same time; if you are not in a sexual relationship with someone you need to be careful about sleeping in the same bed as them. I am not saying that you are meant to have sex with them but after a month of dating and agreeing to stay the night, there is kind of an implied contract.

I think you should have ended the night after the kiss and cuddles and went home. Not that this excuses the behaviour at all; just be really careful about leading guys on. In this occasion he dry humped you, but you never know what could happen in the future.

Nope there really isn't.

kjl · 19-04-2016 11:00AM

Loughc wrote: »

Nope there really isn't.

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

batmanrobin · 19-04-2016 11:04AM

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

There is no social contract. You can expect/hope it might go further all you like, but a woman is under no obligation whatsoever of a kind to engage in any sort of sexual activity with a man she gets into bed with.

If he wanted more, he could have spoken to her about it. Not dry humped her in the middle of the night. That is her body, not his! He does not get to do to her what her likes.

By the way, kissing and cuddling does not mean a woman owes you relief from your "blue balls".

Raminahobbin · 19-04-2016 11:11AM

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

You sound like you're taking your queues from Dennis in Always Sunny

There's no implication, there's no social contract- it's not the girls 'duty' to relieve your blue-balls. It's YOUR duty (and obligation) not to initiate a sexual activity without consent. It's really that simple. If you don't want a girl in your bed without sex, then don't let her stay there, or go stay on the couch.

kjl · 19-04-2016 11:32AM

batmanrobin wrote: »

If he wanted more, he could have spoken to her about it. Not dry humped her in the middle of the night. That is her body, not his! He does not get to do to her what her likes.

Where did I say it excused what he did? I'm not saying he has permission to rape her; I'm saying is that the OP should be more careful about expectations from men she decided to sleep in the same bed with.

If the OP is going to get into situations like the above she should know that men at this point in a relationship are thinking about sex. This time it materialised itself in him groping and dry humping her. The next time she might not be so lucky.

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

Loughc · 19-04-2016 11:35AM

kjl wrote: »

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

No all this could have been avoided if the guy didn't dry hump her to try and get his rocks off. He could have respected her decision to stop at kissing and cuddling.

osarusan · 19-04-2016 11:36AM

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

So what exactly would you do in this situation? Where a girl expects a cuddle and then sleep, but 'there is no way' you are going to be blue-balled?

I mean, what are you going to do?

uck51js9zml2yt · 19-04-2016 11:45AM

This was the whole issue with the Scandinavian guy who was jailed recently for raping his girlfriend while she was asleep.
She hadn't consented.

There is no implied anything.

kjl · 19-04-2016 11:45AM

Loughc wrote: »

No all this could have been avoided if the guy didn't dry hump her to try and get his rocks off. He could have respected her decision to stop at kissing and cuddling.

Sure and Adam and Eve could have stayed in the garden of Eden if they didn't eat the apple.

I am showing the way to proactively avoid these situations in the future.

If she wants to filter out guys based on their ability to resist he in a romantic situation then she better prepare to get dry humped the odd time.

kjl · 19-04-2016 11:48AM

osarusan wrote: »

So what exactly would you do in this situation? Where a girl expects a cuddle and then sleep, but 'there is no way' you are going to be blue-balled?

I mean, what are you going to do?

I would tell her I had an early start and offer to drive her home or get her a taxi.

m-a-i- · 19-04-2016 11:52AM

kjl wrote: »

If she wants to filter out guys based on their ability to resist he in a romantic situation then she better prepare to get dry humped the odd time.

Well that certainly in an interesting take.. and that kind of opinion is probably why OP feels so uncomfortable and unsure of whether she should be OK with it or not..

nkav86 · 19-04-2016 11:52AM

kjl wrote:

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

That is the creepiest statement and I genuinely don't mean to be rude, but to think that some people have such a sense of entitlement. When it comes to someone elses body you don't get to expect anything. If you think your going to be 'blue balled' then don't engage in a situation you can't handle

retro:electro · 19-04-2016 11:53AM

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

Disturbing post which can be read as encouraging sexual assault.

batmanrobin · 19-04-2016 12:09PM

kjl wrote: »

Where did I say it excused what he did? I'm not saying he has permission to rape her; I'm saying is that the OP should be more careful about expectations from men she decided to sleep in the same bed with.

If the OP is going to get into situations like the above she should know that men at this point in a relationship are thinking about sex. This time it materialised itself in him groping and dry humping her. The next time she might not be so lucky.

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

You might not be saying he has permission to rape her, but you're coming dangerously close. You are also putting the blame on her for what happened. They kissed and cuddled. She went into his bed to sleep. He massively overstepped the bounds of what is acceptable behaviour by doing what he did. He had no right - implied or otherwise.

The vast majority of men are perfectly capable of sleeping in a bed with a woman they're not having sex with without resorting to dry humping.

blue note · 19-04-2016 12:23PM

While I certainly disagree with Kji, I think we're foolish if we ignore that this is quite a common way of thinking. Now the vast majority of guys won't go as far as dry humping someone let alone further, I think a lot would think that even though the girl said there would be no sex that she might actually be planning on having sex, but is just saying she's not to not get the guys hopes and expectations up in case she changes her mind.

It's like someone going on a tinder date and saying they can only stay out a couple of hours so they have an easy way to bail out if they want.

Now obviously this is all fine, but if a girl you've been seeing for a month comes over for a night and says there will be no sex, you'd be a fool not to have some condoms in the house just in case. While most people understand and respect this some don't. And that makes them dicks and they certainly have no right to dry hump you.

Kji's suggestion of getting a taxi home should be ridiculous, but I can understand it. Having unwanted pressure to have sex, or at least do something to sort out his blue balls is probably not uncommon (I imagine and hope dry humping is!). But sharing a bed with a guy you don't know all that well who might think that you want to have sex with him is putting yourself in a slightly risky situation. Kind of like walking home alone at night. Obviously should anything happen you won't be the one having done anything wrong, but most people would get a taxi just to avoid that.

Should I feel this uncomfortable ?

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