Should I feel this uncomfortable ?

LegacyUser

So this has me very nervous because I have only told one person. Sorry if this is not the right place or if it even should be up here

I've been dating a guy for the last month or so... sweet person and generally nice to be around.

We had planned to go to his and watch a few movies, none of "you know" planned which is grand and I was pretty sure of that

Anyways movies and then some cuddling kissing and then sleep... until I woke up around two in the morning to him ....apologies for the crudeness...humping me and being quite noisy.. I didn't know what to think... I didn't move I didn't react I was obviously still only waking up but yeah... I can't or don't know how to feel about it. I just let it be...and I'm embarrassed that it happened...

Head is all over the place about it and I'm just wondering am I right to feel uncomfortable that it happened given that I had been sharing a bed with him?

Johnnyhpipe

Just to be clear... You woke up to him having penetrative sex with you or you woke up to him dry humping your leg??? 😳

CaraMay

Why are you embarrassed? I would be raging.

nkav86

Yeah..... that's awkward to say the least! If it was just an over the clothes thing I would still be extremely cautious, this could be behaviour that can escalate into more dangerous situations. I would steer clear as a precaution but you may want to discuss it with him to figure out why he did this.

LegacyUser

Johnnyhpipe wrote: »

Just to be clear... You woke up to him having penetrative sex with you or you woke up to him dry humping your leg??? 😳

OP here. It was clothes on humping me...not necessarily my leg. Basically humping around the general area that one would do that.

Thanks for the advice guys. Yeah i feel embarrassed about the whole thing and really awkward .

CaraMay

Let him off. That's creepy

nkav86

Howshouldifeel wrote:

Thanks for the advice guys. Yeah i feel embarrassed about the whole thing and really awkward .

You shouldn't feel embarrassed, although I understand why you might, he was out of order, think of it as a guy smacking your ass on a night out. Totally him being a douche and you should feel disgusted!

Faith

Was he awake or asleep while it was happening?

Dtp1979

Im pretty sure it's called sexsomnia. That's if he's asleep of course.

LegacyUser

You shouldn't be embarrassed,at the same time I know why you feel like that.
Did he say anything after? Even typing that gives me the creeps 😕 I would be a little wary of him. It's mainly due to the fact you don't know him well enough and he's as bold as to dry hump you while you were asleep

batmanrobin

Yikes! Not exactly pleasant! Do you think he was awake? I've had some intense dreams where I've woken up with my hips in rhythm (no one in the bed with me). It could be he was asleep, but of course you're going to be a bit on edge about the whole thing!

I'd suggest talking to him about it, but do you think you'd trust him if he said he had been asleep? Have you felt any pressure from him to have sex?

meeeeh

Unless he was doing it in his sleep it is a sexual assault. There is absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. He did something you never consented to. I don't think there is much you can do but avoid him.

PressRun

If he was awake when this was happening, then it's pretty creepy behaviour and of course you're within your rights to feel uncomfortable. It actually saddens me that women feel like it's somehow 'wrong' for them to be uncomfortable with something like this. You're entitled to your feelings and he's not entitled to do creepy things to you when you're asleep.

If he was asleep, then it's something you need to mention to him.

LegacyUser

OP Here again

Pretty sure he was awake as once he was done he went back to sleep.

Pretty much leaving him away now at this point. I've only been dating the guy for a really short time and if I was with him longer I probably would have had a chat about this with him but so soon into whatever it was I'm not sure it would have helped.

Thanks for all the feedback guys

DeltaWhite

My ex bf used to do this every single time I stayed over. And he never remembered it the next day until I said it to him. I didn't mind but thats because we were a couple. What that guy did is creepy. I would be creeped out too especially if you both established beforehand that there would be no sex. Did you say anything to him?

kjl

If it were me I would get rid of him; that is creepy.

But at the same time; if you are not in a sexual relationship with someone you need to be careful about sleeping in the same bed as them. I am not saying that you are meant to have sex with them but after a month of dating and agreeing to stay the night, there is kind of an implied contract.

I think you should have ended the night after the kiss and cuddles and went home. Not that this excuses the behaviour at all; just be really careful about leading guys on. In this occasion he dry humped you, but you never know what could happen in the future.

Loughc

kjl wrote: »

If it were me I would get rid of him; that is creepy.

But at the same time; if you are not in a sexual relationship with someone you need to be careful about sleeping in the same bed as them. I am not saying that you are meant to have sex with them but after a month of dating and agreeing to stay the night, there is kind of an implied contract.

I think you should have ended the night after the kiss and cuddles and went home. Not that this excuses the behaviour at all; just be really careful about leading guys on. In this occasion he dry humped you, but you never know what could happen in the future.

Nope there really isn't.

kjl

Loughc wrote: »

Nope there really isn't.

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

batmanrobin

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

There is no social contract. You can expect/hope it might go further all you like, but a woman is under no obligation whatsoever of a kind to engage in any sort of sexual activity with a man she gets into bed with.

If he wanted more, he could have spoken to her about it. Not dry humped her in the middle of the night. That is her body, not his! He does not get to do to her what her likes.

By the way, kissing and cuddling does not mean a woman owes you relief from your "blue balls".

Raminahobbin

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

You sound like you're taking your queues from Dennis in Always Sunny

There's no implication, there's no social contract- it's not the girls 'duty' to relieve your blue-balls. It's YOUR duty (and obligation) not to initiate a sexual activity without consent. It's really that simple. If you don't want a girl in your bed without sex, then don't let her stay there, or go stay on the couch.

kjl

batmanrobin wrote: »

If he wanted more, he could have spoken to her about it. Not dry humped her in the middle of the night. That is her body, not his! He does not get to do to her what her likes.

Where did I say it excused what he did? I'm not saying he has permission to rape her; I'm saying is that the OP should be more careful about expectations from men she decided to sleep in the same bed with.

If the OP is going to get into situations like the above she should know that men at this point in a relationship are thinking about sex. This time it materialised itself in him groping and dry humping her. The next time she might not be so lucky.

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

Loughc

kjl wrote: »

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

No all this could have been avoided if the guy didn't dry hump her to try and get his rocks off. He could have respected her decision to stop at kissing and cuddling.

osarusan

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

So what exactly would you do in this situation? Where a girl expects a cuddle and then sleep, but 'there is no way' you are going to be blue-balled?

I mean, what are you going to do?

uck51js9zml2yt

This was the whole issue with the Scandinavian guy who was jailed recently for raping his girlfriend while she was asleep.
She hadn't consented.

There is no implied anything.

kjl

Loughc wrote: »

No all this could have been avoided if the guy didn't dry hump her to try and get his rocks off. He could have respected her decision to stop at kissing and cuddling.

Sure and Adam and Eve could have stayed in the garden of Eden if they didn't eat the apple.

I am showing the way to proactively avoid these situations in the future.

If she wants to filter out guys based on their ability to resist he in a romantic situation then she better prepare to get dry humped the odd time.

kjl

osarusan wrote: »

So what exactly would you do in this situation? Where a girl expects a cuddle and then sleep, but 'there is no way' you are going to be blue-balled?

I mean, what are you going to do?

I would tell her I had an early start and offer to drive her home or get her a taxi.

m-a-i-

kjl wrote: »

If she wants to filter out guys based on their ability to resist he in a romantic situation then she better prepare to get dry humped the odd time.

Well that certainly in an interesting take.. and that kind of opinion is probably why OP feels so uncomfortable and unsure of whether she should be OK with it or not..

nkav86

kjl wrote:

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

That is the creepiest statement and I genuinely don't mean to be rude, but to think that some people have such a sense of entitlement. When it comes to someone elses body you don't get to expect anything. If you think your going to be 'blue balled' then don't engage in a situation you can't handle

retro:electro

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

Disturbing post which can be read as encouraging sexual assault.

batmanrobin

kjl wrote: »

Where did I say it excused what he did? I'm not saying he has permission to rape her; I'm saying is that the OP should be more careful about expectations from men she decided to sleep in the same bed with.

If the OP is going to get into situations like the above she should know that men at this point in a relationship are thinking about sex. This time it materialised itself in him groping and dry humping her. The next time she might not be so lucky.

The advice I'm to give which has been clearly misunderstood is that you shouldn't sleep in the same bed as someone you don't have a sexual relationship with. This isn't the first time I've heard of situations like the OP's and they could all be avoided if she left after the movie.

You might not be saying he has permission to rape her, but you're coming dangerously close. You are also putting the blame on her for what happened. They kissed and cuddled. She went into his bed to sleep. He massively overstepped the bounds of what is acceptable behaviour by doing what he did. He had no right - implied or otherwise.

The vast majority of men are perfectly capable of sleeping in a bed with a woman they're not having sex with without resorting to dry humping.

blue note

While I certainly disagree with Kji, I think we're foolish if we ignore that this is quite a common way of thinking. Now the vast majority of guys won't go as far as dry humping someone let alone further, I think a lot would think that even though the girl said there would be no sex that she might actually be planning on having sex, but is just saying she's not to not get the guys hopes and expectations up in case she changes her mind.

It's like someone going on a tinder date and saying they can only stay out a couple of hours so they have an easy way to bail out if they want.

Now obviously this is all fine, but if a girl you've been seeing for a month comes over for a night and says there will be no sex, you'd be a fool not to have some condoms in the house just in case. While most people understand and respect this some don't. And that makes them dicks and they certainly have no right to dry hump you.

Kji's suggestion of getting a taxi home should be ridiculous, but I can understand it. Having unwanted pressure to have sex, or at least do something to sort out his blue balls is probably not uncommon (I imagine and hope dry humping is!). But sharing a bed with a guy you don't know all that well who might think that you want to have sex with him is putting yourself in a slightly risky situation. Kind of like walking home alone at night. Obviously should anything happen you won't be the one having done anything wrong, but most people would get a taxi just to avoid that.

batmanrobin

@blue note - I would have to disagree strongly. You're basically saying that women should play a passive role and not kiss or cuddle unless they intend on having full intercourse. This is nuts!

Women and men are entitled to go as far as they feel comfortable going without the other party expecting or demanding sex.

Of course you're going to be feeling a bit frustrated if you're getting hot and heavy with someone and it stops. But decent people respect the other party wants to stop.

He had zero right to do what he did. It doesn't matter that she was in bed with him, it doesn't matter that they were kissing and cuddling. It stopped there for her and this was conveyed to him by her stopping. That was the line and he overstepped it.

Taltos

Mod note
OK back on topic folks.
We have a zero tolerance approach here to victim blaming. Poster has been banned for a week and we would ask there to be NO further arguments directed to kjl as they can't answer or speak for themselves or their views.

Remember per our charter, as well as not offering legal advice we'd ask you all to keep it civil and just report posts you feel are not appropriate here.

Thanks
Taltos

meeeeh

Of course it would be zero chance of that happening if op went home. The odds of being in a car accident also diminish significantly if you don't get in a car. Don't want to be in a plane crash, well then don't fly. How many people get advice like that when driving, flying, yet victims of assault are constantly told they shouldn't do this or that. And yes I am very aware that some situations are riskier but op trusted someone she was dating for some time. He broke that trust, how someone thinks it's ok to lecture about what she should be doing after a month of dating is beyond me. The funny thing is, it is not even coming from position of malice but pure self entitlement.

Edit: sorry about that, I was typing the reply when mod warning appeared.

kjl

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

This kind of feels like how a rapist would justify their actions ...

Anyway, OP, this is all kinds of creepy. Was he awake or was he asleep? This implies two different things:

1) He was asleep and had no idea what he was doing and might not be aware that he was doing it at all, which would warrant a chat to inform him of this.

2) He was fully awake and just being a creep.

Either way you have a decision to make;

Talk to him about it and tell him it made you feel uncomfortable and see how things progress, keeping a careful eye on him

Throw him to the curb

Ursus Horribilis

howshouldifeel wrote: »

OP Here again

Pretty much leaving him away now at this point. I've only been dating the guy for a really short time and if I was with him longer I probably would have had a chat about this with him but so soon into whatever it was I'm not sure it would have helped.

If it was me, I would find it hard to walk away without telling him that what he did was inappropriate and creepy. But that's just me.

CaraMay

Odus fell down wrote: »

If it was me, I would find it hard to walk away without telling him that what he did was inappropriate and creepy. But that's just me.

Definitely tell him!

beks101

Glad that you've decided to give this guy the boot OP. Please, please don't heed the posts about being more "cautious" in future and this being in any single way your fault. It absolutely 110% was NOT. You met a creep, that's what happened, full stop.

When I first started dating my OH, we slept in bed together without having sex quite a few times, despite both of us being really physically attracted to each other. I've been in that situation with lots of other guys too. They respected me and I respected them. We wanted closeness and intimacy but sex wasn't on the cards at that point. Our relationship was not about him getting his rocks off at any cost. Most men are not these horny animals who can't control their hormones and put their own sexual gratification above all else and anyone implying that you're some kind of 'tease' for trusting a guy you had already established a relationship with and wanting to spend time with him is basically sh1tting on the reputation of all men everywhere.

This guy chose to violate your boundaries and completely disrespect you for his own selfish reasons and that's on HIM, not you. All you did was trust he was a solid guy - something we all do when we choose to go on a few dates with someone.

The embarrassment and shame and mixed emotions you're feeling now are completely symptomatic of someone who has been assaulted. "Why didn't I leave...why didn't I tell him to stop...I should've done this...should've said that." This is totally normal. It might be an idea to talk to someone professional if you think it would help you process it.

Carlos Orange

howshouldifeel wrote: »

Pretty sure he was awake as once he was done he went back to sleep.

I don't really get that logic. If people are capable of doing stuff in their sleep then they are capable of ceasing doing it. Sleep is a bit weird really. I had someone sleep walk into my bed once.

End of the day I suppose it is just a judgement call you have to make and have made. Whatever really happened you have been left uncomfortable in the relationship.

intheclouds

Really not good.

I had a similar situation happen as a younger lady. The guy woke me up and was basically trying for sex. I actually verbalised no and he went into a huff and turned away. I had only been dating him a short time. It was the middle of the night and it was miles away from where I lived, I wouldnt have been able to afford a taxi home (the agreement was that he would drive me home).

Anyway next morning was extremely stilted and I just wanted to gtfo and he actually made some statements to me very similar to what has been said on this thread regarding implied contract etc..

I played nice til I got my lift but as the car stopped to drop me off I told him that what he did was creepy and rapey and never under any circumstances to contact me again. I could see he was completely in disbelief. I just considered it a lucky escape.

Tipperary Fairy

My boyfriend humps me in his sleep all the time, he feels bad about it and tries to prevent it. I don't think it's a big deal at all, it's more annoying than anything else as it wakes me up.

Not saying it's the same situation, just that it's not in itself a rapey thing. The important thing is whether or not he was awake. But I suppose if you're not going to talk to him about it, then you'll never know (though of course he could always lie) and that's up to you. I would be more inclined to talk to him about it, out of curiosity if nothing else.

LegacyUser

HI

OP Here. Thanks for your feedback. I will have a talk with him as you all make valid points about that.

Just to confirm that he was awake. I'm pretty confident about that point.
I'm still trying to process the thoughts in my head about the whole thing and just wanting to pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Your advice and support has really helped so thanks for that x

blue note

No problem, best of luck with it. Hope it works out for you!

woodchuck

So he was awake when he did this without your consent... this goes beyond creepy, it's sexual assault.