Should I feel this uncomfortable ?

batmanrobin

@blue note - I would have to disagree strongly. You're basically saying that women should play a passive role and not kiss or cuddle unless they intend on having full intercourse. This is nuts!

Women and men are entitled to go as far as they feel comfortable going without the other party expecting or demanding sex.

Of course you're going to be feeling a bit frustrated if you're getting hot and heavy with someone and it stops. But decent people respect the other party wants to stop.

He had zero right to do what he did. It doesn't matter that she was in bed with him, it doesn't matter that they were kissing and cuddling. It stopped there for her and this was conveyed to him by her stopping. That was the line and he overstepped it.

Taltos

Mod note
OK back on topic folks.
We have a zero tolerance approach here to victim blaming. Poster has been banned for a week and we would ask there to be NO further arguments directed to kjl as they can't answer or speak for themselves or their views.

Remember per our charter, as well as not offering legal advice we'd ask you all to keep it civil and just report posts you feel are not appropriate here.

Thanks
Taltos

meeeeh

Of course it would be zero chance of that happening if op went home. The odds of being in a car accident also diminish significantly if you don't get in a car. Don't want to be in a plane crash, well then don't fly. How many people get advice like that when driving, flying, yet victims of assault are constantly told they shouldn't do this or that. And yes I am very aware that some situations are riskier but op trusted someone she was dating for some time. He broke that trust, how someone thinks it's ok to lecture about what she should be doing after a month of dating is beyond me. The funny thing is, it is not even coming from position of malice but pure self entitlement.

Edit: sorry about that, I was typing the reply when mod warning appeared.

kjl

kjl wrote: »

I'm afraid you are wrong. If some girl spends the night kissing and cuddling up to me and then comes to sleep in my bed. I'm expecting it to go a little further regardless of weather it was discussed or not. I'm not saying full blown intercourse but there is no way you are blue balling me.

As I said implied contract. I am not excusing the behaviour; I am simply explaining the social contracts that people have in this society.

This kind of feels like how a rapist would justify their actions ...

Anyway, OP, this is all kinds of creepy. Was he awake or was he asleep? This implies two different things:

1) He was asleep and had no idea what he was doing and might not be aware that he was doing it at all, which would warrant a chat to inform him of this.

2) He was fully awake and just being a creep.

Either way you have a decision to make;

Talk to him about it and tell him it made you feel uncomfortable and see how things progress, keeping a careful eye on him

Throw him to the curb

Ursus Horribilis

howshouldifeel wrote: »

OP Here again

Pretty much leaving him away now at this point. I've only been dating the guy for a really short time and if I was with him longer I probably would have had a chat about this with him but so soon into whatever it was I'm not sure it would have helped.

If it was me, I would find it hard to walk away without telling him that what he did was inappropriate and creepy. But that's just me.

CaraMay

Odus fell down wrote: »

If it was me, I would find it hard to walk away without telling him that what he did was inappropriate and creepy. But that's just me.

Definitely tell him!

beks101

Glad that you've decided to give this guy the boot OP. Please, please don't heed the posts about being more "cautious" in future and this being in any single way your fault. It absolutely 110% was NOT. You met a creep, that's what happened, full stop.

When I first started dating my OH, we slept in bed together without having sex quite a few times, despite both of us being really physically attracted to each other. I've been in that situation with lots of other guys too. They respected me and I respected them. We wanted closeness and intimacy but sex wasn't on the cards at that point. Our relationship was not about him getting his rocks off at any cost. Most men are not these horny animals who can't control their hormones and put their own sexual gratification above all else and anyone implying that you're some kind of 'tease' for trusting a guy you had already established a relationship with and wanting to spend time with him is basically sh1tting on the reputation of all men everywhere.

This guy chose to violate your boundaries and completely disrespect you for his own selfish reasons and that's on HIM, not you. All you did was trust he was a solid guy - something we all do when we choose to go on a few dates with someone.

The embarrassment and shame and mixed emotions you're feeling now are completely symptomatic of someone who has been assaulted. "Why didn't I leave...why didn't I tell him to stop...I should've done this...should've said that." This is totally normal. It might be an idea to talk to someone professional if you think it would help you process it.

Carlos Orange

howshouldifeel wrote: »

Pretty sure he was awake as once he was done he went back to sleep.

I don't really get that logic. If people are capable of doing stuff in their sleep then they are capable of ceasing doing it. Sleep is a bit weird really. I had someone sleep walk into my bed once.

End of the day I suppose it is just a judgement call you have to make and have made. Whatever really happened you have been left uncomfortable in the relationship.

intheclouds

Really not good.

I had a similar situation happen as a younger lady. The guy woke me up and was basically trying for sex. I actually verbalised no and he went into a huff and turned away. I had only been dating him a short time. It was the middle of the night and it was miles away from where I lived, I wouldnt have been able to afford a taxi home (the agreement was that he would drive me home).

Anyway next morning was extremely stilted and I just wanted to gtfo and he actually made some statements to me very similar to what has been said on this thread regarding implied contract etc..

I played nice til I got my lift but as the car stopped to drop me off I told him that what he did was creepy and rapey and never under any circumstances to contact me again. I could see he was completely in disbelief. I just considered it a lucky escape.

Tipperary Fairy

My boyfriend humps me in his sleep all the time, he feels bad about it and tries to prevent it. I don't think it's a big deal at all, it's more annoying than anything else as it wakes me up.

Not saying it's the same situation, just that it's not in itself a rapey thing. The important thing is whether or not he was awake. But I suppose if you're not going to talk to him about it, then you'll never know (though of course he could always lie) and that's up to you. I would be more inclined to talk to him about it, out of curiosity if nothing else.

LegacyUser

HI

OP Here. Thanks for your feedback. I will have a talk with him as you all make valid points about that.

Just to confirm that he was awake. I'm pretty confident about that point.
I'm still trying to process the thoughts in my head about the whole thing and just wanting to pretend it didn't happen and move on.

Your advice and support has really helped so thanks for that x

blue note

No problem, best of luck with it. Hope it works out for you!

woodchuck

So he was awake when he did this without your consent... this goes beyond creepy, it's sexual assault.