The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

coolhull · 05-04-2016 12:33AM

Miss Smith booked herself into a hotel for her 75th birthday. Feeling a bit lonely, she thought ‘’I’ll ring one those male escorts who advertise in phone books offering services like erotic massages and other stuff’’
Flicking through the phone book, she found an ad for ‘Tony Tempest’ with his photo. His picture showed a fine young man with wavy blonde hair, a tremendous body and a cool smile.
‘All your sexual needs catered for, nothing shocks me’, said the ad
‘’What the hell,’’ thought Miss Smith, ‘’ I’ll give him a ring. Nobody will ever know’’
So she rang the number in the ad.
The phone was answered by a man with a very pleasant, sexy – sounding voice. ’’Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?’’
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she decided to rush right in.
‘’ Hi, I saw your ad, offering all kinds of sexual services. I’ll be straight out with you, what I want is good hard sex, with a few extras thrown in. Bring implements, toys, handcuffs, canes, leather, everything you’ve got. I want you to tie me up, cover me in whipped cream, then lick it off. In other words, I want to do it every way you can think of. ... I’m ready, big boy come on up. Now how does that sound to you?’’
After a slight pause, the voice came back on the line.
‘’That sounds absolutely delightful, but you need to dial ‘’9’’ for an outside line, Miss Smith’’.

John T Carroll · 05-04-2016 06:39PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

05-04-2016 09:52PM

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed,"NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay,I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

Hagar7 · 05-04-2016 10:01PM

Why are they making a newer version of Yogi Bear?
Cos they made a BoBo of the first one.

valoren · 05-04-2016 10:47PM

Say "Space Ghetto" with an American accent.

Sounds like a Scot saying "Spice Girl".

coolhull · 05-04-2016 11:11PM

I said to the Mrs last weekend ''lets go out for the evening.'' She comes out with that woman's classic "I've got nothing to wear" so I said to her. ''Sure wear what you wore last time we went out together - you looked lovely ...''
So there we were in the White Horse ,me in jeans and t-shirt and her in her f**king wedding dress ......

MonkieSocks · 06-04-2016 02:11PM

After being married for 50 years, a guy takes a careful look at his wife one day and said,

“Fifty years ago we had a nasty bedsit, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV,
But I got to sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl every night.

Now, I have a £500,000 home, a £60,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
But I’m sleeping with a 73—year—old woman.

It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

She says fine, go out and sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl - and by then end of the day,

You’ll be driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV.

gozunda · 06-04-2016 05:09PM

An elephant walks into a bar and suddenly feels concious that he is the elephant in the room.

An elephant walks into a bar, gets grabbbed by a bunch of animal rightists and sent straight back to the Serengetti.

An elephant walks into a bar and immediatly gets stuck in the door.

An elephant walks into a bar and it takes four weeks and four strongmen to straighten it out afterwards

chughes · 06-04-2016 07:21PM

Today, 6 April, is the start of the new tax year in the UK. So, to all the UK based Boardsies out there, happy new tax year....and many happy returns....

munster87 · 06-04-2016 07:28PM

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

K.Flyer · 06-04-2016 07:35PM

gozunda wrote: »

An elephant walks into a bar and suddenly feels concious that he is the elephant in the room.

An elephant walks into a bar, gets grabbbed by a bunch of animal rightists and sent straight back to the Serengetti.

An elephant walks into a bar and immediatly gets stuck in the door.

An elephant walks into a bar and it takes four weeks and four strongmen to straighten it out afterwards

An Elephant walked into a fridge, and left footprints on the butter.

dubgurl · 07-04-2016 02:14PM

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.

I tried to reserve a seat at the library, but they were all booked.

I've predicted what's going to happen in the year 2020.
You could say I have 20/20 vision!

Did you know, they are not making shortbread any longer.

coolhull · 09-04-2016 09:55PM

A Priest and a Buddhist monk are having breakfast, the priest says "Oh my god a picture of Jesus is in my margarine!"

The Buddhist says..........

"I can't believe its not Buddah"

09_09_09 · 10-04-2016 09:02AM

coolhull wrote: »

A Priest and a Hindu are having breakfast, the priest says "Oh my god a picture of Jesus is in my margarine!"

The Hindu says..........

"I can't believe its not Buddah"

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian

. Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

10-04-2016 09:15AM

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Can%27t_Believe_It%27s_Not_Butter!

Zen65 · 10-04-2016 09:25AM

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

The person telling the joke may have confused Hinduism with Buddhism?

coolhull · 10-04-2016 10:16AM

09_09_09 wrote: »

Unfortunately, I didn't get it even though I'm an Indian . Would you kindly explain it to me sire'?

Yes sorry, 09. It's a joke, but not at the expense of anyone 's religion.
There's a spreadable margarine out there called "I Can't Believe It's not Butter". And yes, I did confuse Hinduism with Buddhism. No offence was intended. I've edited the original post.

donalh087 · 10-04-2016 05:25PM

did you change the original post or did the change come from within?

09_09_09 · 10-04-2016 06:31PM

coolhull wrote: »

Yes sorry, 09. It's a joke, but not at the expense of anyone 's religion.
There's a spreadable margarine out there called "I Can't Believe It's not Butter". And yes, I did confuse Hinduism with Buddhism. No offence was intended. I've edited the original post.

None taken my dear sir. I wanted to know what it meant so I could laugh as well.

I wanted to know the gist of the joke so I could use it on other Indians because, I am a spicy C*unt! :P

Hagar7 · 11-04-2016 02:56AM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.

He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.

Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his Mobile.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.

It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,

"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

Hi,how are you,I hope you don't mind me asking but may I have the name and address of said company,I think I've just found a cure for impotence.:D

valoren · 11-04-2016 11:33AM

dubgurl wrote: »

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.

I want to see it but I can't go.

whiskeyman · 11-04-2016 01:41PM

coolhull wrote: »

A Priest and a Buddhist monk are having breakfast....

both are ordering breakfast rolls to go.

The Priest asks for sausage, 2 hash brown, rasher and a fried egg but no tomato or fried mushroom or ketchup.

The waiter then asks the Buddist monk what he'd like:

'Make me one with everything...'

whiskeyman · 11-04-2016 01:44PM

dubgurl wrote: »

Have you seen the movie Constipated?
Actually, it hasn't come out yet.

valoren wrote: »

I want to see it but I can't go.

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.

It's a right stinker!

Panthro · 11-04-2016 03:22PM

whiskeyman wrote: »

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.

It's a right stinker!

Yeah, The direction was all over the shop!

11-04-2016 06:24PM

whiskeyman wrote: »

I finally downloaded it last night on high-fibre broadband...

Took at least 2 hours but wasn't worth the wait.

It's a right stinker!

You probably caused the server to core dump!

MetalDog · 11-04-2016 07:13PM

Did you hear they're doing a remake of Silence of the Lambs but it's going to be set in Donegal?

It's called Quiet Ewes.

coolhull · 11-04-2016 10:05PM

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Howth Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

Ted_YNWA · 11-04-2016 10:09PM

coolhull wrote: »

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Howth Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."

Evil genius

melissak · 11-04-2016 10:11PM

Not the best but funny. What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later, the other will see you in a while

K.Flyer · 11-04-2016 10:34PM

Fuçk it, I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to shag the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.
After getting the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and p!ss everywhere.
I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink còck.

Let's see CrimeCall try to stage a reconstruction of that.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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