Always mess things up

batmanrobin wrote: »

I don't think you can equate the two. Practice makes perfect doesn't work when it come to a lack of self-respect and self-esteem. It just leads from one bad dating scene to another. Getting a handle on oneself and respecting oneself needs to come first. Then start dipping a toe into the dating scene.

I agree with you that talking to a counsellor is just words, which is why the OP would need to do more than just talk, she'd have to really commit to prioritising herself.

I see it with people who really value themselves and have their **** together, they don't accept bad behaviour from anyone - especially a potential love interest. They don't give those people the time of day.

I disagree with taking the year break people are suggesting for the op. Practise would mean she would meet bad guys but that in turn would allow her to know what standard s she has for herself. It will force her to have self respect for herself and not to be walked all over by guys. If she lives in a bubble with not meeting any guys how will she develop that self respect? You can only gain it by putting it into practise. By meeting all sorts of guys and being able to distinguish good versus bad. It will then mean when she means a nice guy she won't make mistakes and push him away.

I also think op you should go on 2nd and 3rd dates with the guys you think are just average. You are putting the other guy on a pedestal and you will be alone forever if you idolise any one guy in such a unrealistic way. You need to just go out and make friendships. Honestly if you just go on 1st dates all the time you will never have a clue how to behave correctly around a guy you want a 2nd date with because you are not giving yourself the experience to get to know guys in a relaxed way. You will also continue to make a huge deal out of guys after 3 dates because it is so rare for you to go on a 3rd date with any guy!!! If you date guys for more dates or so you won't be making a huge issue about 3 dates with a guy

batmanrobin wrote: »

Or she runs the risk of transferring her issues from one man to the next. You can't fix yourself through other people.

She doesn't have to take a year. She can take the next three months and focus on herself. See how she feels after that. Maybe take some more time if needed. It's not about living in a bubble. The whole point is to properly engage with her life but with herself as a priority and without trying to distract herself with men.

I have a friend who had very little romantic experience with men. What she did have though was a full life she was living for herself, proper boundaries and self-respect. When a fella came along who tried playing games and feeding her scraps of attention, she wasn't long telling him to take a walk. She didn't need the experience to know his behaviour wasn't good enough for her. She had respect for herself.

At 34 I don't see how the OP is going to dramatically change herself and by not dating for 6 to 12 months? means she will be 35 and putting it off to meet someone / missing that opportunity by hiding herself away in a convent like state! If the same happens after taking a long break in a years time? I don't see how hiding herself away from men for prolonged period is going to be of any good. She is who she is! She can do activities and keep busy and still go out dating.

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP, by all means continue to date if that's what you feel you should do. Personally I agree with the posters who suggest you take a break for a bit but different strokes for different folks.

As for sending this a guy a happy birthday message? I believe this is saying "I don't have enough self-respect to walk away from you. If I text you then maybe just maybe you'll be reminded of me and you might respond and things could start up again".

Stop and think. You say you regret sending all the texts when you were dating and felt a bit crazy for doing so, yet here you are wanting to text him again. Break this need you have inside of you now OP. You are in for a life of heartache if you don't learn to manage your impulses and value yourself when it comes to dating.

OP, after each time i made a similar mistake as you with a guy i liked (3 guys - 2009, 2012, 2013/2015), i took a break as you can see from the significant timeframe. And after each time i came to boards looking for advice and given the same as you - take a break, work on yourself/self esteem/self respect/stop looking/become so involved in your life that someone else is a bonus/go for professional help and work on your "issues"/stop playing games or following rules/just be yourself.

Of course what i am about to describe will be shot down by other boardies as following rules but i think by following a routine can help control outbursts and rants. It is the feeling of out of control that makes people insecure and of course you cant control people but you can control how you interact with guys. By having a consistent routine with a guy, i believe you will feel less out of control and less likely to smother or have outbursts.

The more recent guy i really liked and lost i noticed that he waited 3 months to get to know his now serious girlfriend before having sex. He sends her several text messages a day, only one at a time spread out about 3 hours apart - they follow rules as a couple or as i see it a fixed consistent routine. They only see each other twice a week. Whereas i had no routine with him - i was still doing activities without him everyday but still wanted to squeeze him in to meet up 5 out of 7 days. I texted him immediately when he texted and could have a text conversation for 3 hours with no break everynight. Id go off on a rant with him once a week and send long texts and say he was wasting my time.

The breaks did nothing for me as i am very independent single person...the problem i have is actually knowing how to be in a relationship because ive very little to no experience....so by taking a break i learnt nothing about how to be with someone, how my actions should be or how to treat them. And i just wasted more years being single and not even kissing guys.

So what i have been doing is going on dates - im really picky too and only fall for a guy once in a while. Its hard as i force myself to get out there on dates but if i dont i know i will continue to be single forever..as i know i have to learn how to let a guy into my life/how to balance him/how to not smother someone or become obsessed. My plan is to try to control my texts in future, have a routine with a guy...treat him like i treat my friends...it sounds simple but believe me i find it hard to let someone into my life.

I hope it helps you see a different perspective. I think people who have always been in relationships have a natural ability to be in them and hence taking a break to re-evaluate after a break up might work for them. But if you have always been single or long term single....the last thing you need is more breaks from dating as being single is a constant break in itself - ive wasted time by not being on the dating scene for years and ive less choices of guys who want to date a 35/36 year old than when i was in my 20s. I think its to learn the skills to be in a relationship and how to let someone in your life and hence why i think getting out there and practise to learn from those mistakes is important. I dont think we are crazy people....i just think coming from a place of scarcity means out of control outburst. Coming from a place of abundance (knowing there are plenty of guys to choose/options) equals a sense of more control and less fear of losing someone