Always mess things up

LegacyUser

Every time I meet a good guy, I always, always seem to mess it up....
Met a lovely guy for three dates. I bombarded him with texts ( which I know I shouldn't have)
Once after the 2nd date, he seen me on pof, big argument re that! I hadn't replied to him and he said, it's ok I guessed it. Seen me on pof. He was on it too. It was only 2nd date for ffs but different story for me!

That was resolved, we met for a 3rd date. Got on very well. He wanted to meet again.
Inbetween, I felt he was lacking effort in texts but I don't think he was now, just think he is very laid back in everything We were texting last Sat during the day but he didn't respond to my texts. I didn't say anything at this stage. I rang him Sunday but he was with his friend but got on grand on phone.

Monday night he text me but I was bit annoyed so I didn't reply. I replied Tues morning and then he still hadn't replied on Tuesday even though online.
I got annoyed and texted him numerous texts!! I know, I know. I'm an idiot.

A different day, he said he would check something for me and it took 3 days. This annoyed me too. I know, I wish I had relaxed about it. It didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

I really liked him and blew it with him. I wish I had just relaxed. There was definitely no one else. He was just relaxed with everything.

So moral of the story, I need to relax. I let a good one slip away. He travelled 2.30 hrs to meet every time

Merkin

I would personally run a mile if someone smothered me like that. It's good that you recognise it so at least you can change your behaviour and also understating it is important. Why did you feel the need to be so aggressive with contact and what were you saying in all these texts? You also said he was 'lacking effort' in texts. What exactly were you expecting from him?

LegacyUser

I just felt not as much effort as beginning but this is understandable now.
I asked him why didn't he bother to reply to my text either Sat or Sun.
Why when I asked to meet him Sun, he said no as wouldn't be alive until Tues...

Yet when I rang him, he was driving his friend somewhere 3 hrs ago.
I never received answers as I continued to bombard him. Well one answer which is said was because he was amazing.. Smart answer....

I continue to bombard him and pushed him away for good.
I hadn't met a good one in ages and then fecking ruin what may of been something good...

LegacyUser

Such a nice guy and blew it. Grrrr. No way to get him back now

KikiDee

You said it yourself, you need to relax. I'm with Merkin on this. If someone bombarded me with texts like that I'd be gone.
This guy obviously wasn't for you. Learn from your mistakes and maybe be a bit more chilled with the next guy that comes along

Tilly

You went on 3 dates, you were not in a relationship. You do not get to demand where he is and why he isnt replying straight away. Seriously 3 dates is nothing.

Take a step back next time and just go with the flow, do not overthink things like you've done here.

Sound Bite

Oh dear God. ..what did you expect would happen? If you bombard someone with that level of contact they will assume you are crazy and run the other way.

Try counting to ten before sending msgs in future. You need to learn how to came down and relax...otherwise you'll be considered a bunny boiler!

Well
OP you've obviously heard about your bombarding already, but I'd be a bit concerned your man was picking a fight with you about still being on POF after two dates? Like it sounds like he was being a bit intense as well?

Anyway for the future ... no loads of texting like that!

LegacyUser

I know, I know.I wish I hadn't sent them all .
I really liked this guy and was v comfortable with him.

I had a date tonight and def no chemistry on my side.
I kept thinking of that guy and the lovely dates we had.
Granted was only 3 but probably 3 of the best and then I go ruin it all with my stupid behaviour.

HoneyBee78

bluewolf wrote: »

Well
OP you've obviously heard about your bombarding already, but I'd be a bit concerned your man was picking a fight with you about still being on POF after two dates? Like it sounds like he was being a bit intense as well?

+1
Defo a red flag here, you should have sent him packing after that!

LegacyUser

Maybe it was after the 3rd date the pof thing happened.
He said he was going on to check if I was on it... Maybe that is true.
I don't mind about that but I ruined what potentially could have been something really good.
He was really good to me.

Anyway I really messed this up big time.
First time I felt like this about anyone.I know it was only early but there was definitely something there.
I am always going to regret this and wish I had went with the flow.
He is never going to talk to me again now as he obviously thinks I'm crazy and an idiot.


.

Merkin

Well I certainly wouldn't go texting him again. I think you need to learn from this and simply move on.

batmanrobin

cala12 wrote: »

Maybe it was after the 3rd date the pof thing happened.
He said he was going on to check if I was on it... Maybe that is true.
I don't mind about that but I ruined what potentially could have been something really good.
He was really good to me.

Anyway I really messed this up big time.
First time I felt like this about anyone.I know it was only early but there was definitely something there.
I am always going to regret this and wish I had went with the flow.
He is never going to talk to me again now as he obviously thinks I'm crazy and an idiot.


.

OP, you're being a bit hard on yourself here. You got a bit carried away with yourself as you seem to really like him. You're lesson here is to not get so carried away.

To be honest, I think you're overlooking a red flag on his end. He said he was going to check if you were still on POF? Why not ask you directly? Why should you be off it after 3 dates? He then gets bent out of shape when you're still on it? I wouldn't like that behaviour at all! Perhaps instead of building him up so much in your mind you could look at it a bit more rationally. Maybe you're the one who dodged a bullet?!

LegacyUser

Maybe it was a red flag.

I really liked him though and he did feel the same before I messed it.
Been doing the online dating for a while now and he was by far the best guy:(

Although he had texted me not nice messages after I texted him continuously.
I don't blame him.

CaraMay

cala12 wrote: »

Although he had texted me not nice messages after I texted him continuously.
I don't blame him.

Then he wasn't that nice op and you had a lucky escape

Why not take a break from dating for a while? It's stressful and it sounds like you need a rest from it all

LegacyUser

Maybe you're right CaraMay.I apologized for my texting but I had gone too far. He sent nasty things back and didn't apologize either. He probably meant them.:(

I might take a break and next time go with the flow.
So sick of going on dates and not liking them and then when I do like them I f##k it up.

Anyway I have definitely learnt a big lesson.

Thank u everyone.

LegacyUser

I probably said cruel things in my texts too so who can blame him.

bp

Honestly he doesn't sound great, especially picking a fight over POF as clearly he was still using it. You seem to be making him amazing in your head. You generally don't know someone after 3 dates. How far sexually do you both go on these dates - he might be a 'I got mine see ya' or a 'nothing after 3 dates see ya' kind of person - not casting aspersions just asking. Also nothing wrong with doing all/ nothing or some after three dates just a suggestion.

But in essence yes, don't send loads of texts as it frightens people off.

LegacyUser

No, he didn't use me so I'm grateful for that. He wasn't like that

It was the texting and the over thinking about everything.
If I hadn't of over thought everything.Things would have been v different I think.

CaraMay

cala12 wrote: »

No, he didn't use me so I'm grateful for that. He wasn't like that

It was the texting and the over thinking about everything.
If I hadn't of over thought everything.Things would have been v different I think.

You don't know that. He seemed quite nasty so you have no way of knowing what he was really like.

LegacyUser

"No, he didn't use me so I'm grateful for that. He wasn't like that
It was the texting and the over thinking about everything.
If I hadn't of over thought everything.Things would have been v different I think."

It's time for you to move on from this situation. What's for you won't go by you. Go out and join a gym and find a way of dealing with your anxiety with dating/men.

Your complaining that you were overthinking yet your still overthinking. It's over, who cares what he thinks.

LegacyUser

Ok, I should have came on here before and then I wouldn't have acted like a crazy person!!!!

Thanks all for the advice.

LegacyUser

Has anyone managed to get someone back after acting like an idiot?

I take it I have zero chance with him now.:(

dellas1979

I really don't think this would be healthy for you. What happened, happened.

You should perhaps take a break from dating, and work on yourself, and figure out where all this anxiety is coming from. You cant really control anyone or anything, except yourself.

You (and he) made mistakes. Its time to learn from these and move on. That is the best thing that you can do for yourself.

Dial Hard

cala12 wrote:

Has anyone managed to get someone back after acting like an idiot?

I take it I have zero chance with him now.

Seriously, you need to calm down. You went on three dates with this guy. That's nothing. The way you're obsessing over what happened and answering your own posts here suggests way deeper rooted issues with self esteem to me. I think counselling would do you a world of good.

Three dates. Seriously, try to put that in perspective.

batmanrobin

OP, that pedestal you have this guy on... Well, you might wanna knock him off it. I don't think you're seeing the forest for the trees here. He doesn't sound like the nicest guy and you don't seem to react in a good way towards him. I get that it's frustrating when you finally find someone and everything seems to be clicking and then it falls apart, but the last thing you want to do is to think he's the best you can do!

There's a danger when one struggles to click with a decent amount of men in settling with one who actually isn't all that great, he's just marginally better than the rest - hence the fixating.

Chalk it up to a lesson well learned and leave him in the past.

Merkin

I think you may need to assess how you communicate with everyone. Even in this thread there have been a flurry of consecutive posts on the issue and if this thread mirrors the way you communicate generally then it would be very off putting indeed for most people.

I would avoid dating altogether for the time being. Get to know and like yourself away from the pressures of dating or wanting to meet someone. Get yourself into a position that when you are finally ready to date again it's where YOU will believe that any guy would be lucky to meet you. Then you won't come across as desperate or obsessive or however the constant texting and abuse may be perceived.

Ursus Horribilis

I have to admit that after reading your posts on this thread, I'd be afraid to date you. You're coming across as very intense and lacking in self awareness. I think you should lay off dating for now and work on yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.I will take a break from it all.I do realize my behaviour was not appropriate.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Yep OP, you're too intense and that won't fly with almost anyone.

You need to take some time alone, attend therapy or counselling and discover what compels you to communicate and act like this. Doing this therapy will be an investment in yourself and your future romantic life.

JeffKenna

cala12 wrote: »

Monday night he text me but I was bit annoyed so I didn't reply. I replied Tues morning and then he still hadn't replied on Tuesday

Hi OP, This is the bit that stuck out for me. If you just read the sentence again it makes no sense that you hold him to one set of rules (text back straight away) and yourself to another (leave it a day to text). What it stems down to is a lack of confidence in expressing yourself. If you were a bit annoyed with him then you should have texted back Monday and said it, being passive aggressive by ignoring his texts just makes things worse in the long run.

Have confidence to put your needs out there - if you were annoyed say it. It might scare him off but having briefly dated someone with characteristics similar to yours it's a hell of a lot worse dealing with someone who won't express themselves.

LegacyUser

That was the only time it took me a day to reply.

I didn't reply that night cos I didn't want a fight but sure it turned out a lot worse.

He ignored me all wknd, bar answering ph. ( I don't know if he would have answered if he was on own)

I since told him I was annoyed and he wouldn't answer question. ...

I felt there had been lack of effort with his texting (couldn't be bothered )
Where as before it was different.

Tilly

Seriously it was 3 dates. You're making it sound like you were in a relationship with him.

You are far too full on, it's probably time to stay away from dating like everyone else has suggested here. You just don't seem to be listening to any of us.

LegacyUser

Hey,

I am listening.I'm just replying to people who are so kind to reply.

As I said , I am taking a break from it all.

Jimmy Bottlehead

cala12 wrote: »

Hey,

I am listening.I'm just replying to people who are so kind to reply.

As I said , I am taking a break from it all.

Good, but there's no point taking a break unless you work on yourself. Otherwise you'll just return to the same self destructive habits again after the break.

HiGlo

cala12 wrote: »

If I hadn't of over thought everything.Things would have been v different I think.

Other's have commented on your lack of self awareness but I think you do have the awareness, but just haven't worked on how to control it.

You can identify your issue (over thinking and stressing which leads to insecurity and bombarding with texts), so maybe now is a good time for you to learn how to control it?

Some tricks people use are to write down what's on your mind - just to get it out of your head. When you pick up the phone call or text a friend instead, just for a chat. Power off your phone for a few hours so you aren't looking at it every 2 mins looking for a response and getting more and more tense when it doesn't come.... Pick up a book or magazine or whatever instead to distract you - or even do some housework or whatever.

LegacyUser

Hi HiGlo,

Yeah, I am aware.The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.
I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

I know I acted like a crazy person .I am well aware unfortunately but I will try those tips thanks

He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

batmanrobin

cala12 wrote: »

Hi HiGlo,

Yeah, I am aware.The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.
I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

I know I acted like a crazy person .I am well aware unfortunately but I will try those tips thanks

He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

If I were you, I'd draw a line under it. "He doesn't think it will work but sure see what happens".... How romantic. If he doesn't think it will work, and you're not in the head space for a relationship (it's going to take you more than a few weeks to get your head straight), why bother?

You say you have loads on but I'd wager you'll spend all that time obsessively thinking about him.

Do yourself a favour and learn from your interactions with this guy, take a break from men and dating and focus on yourself.

CaraMay

Why would you want to meet him?

LegacyUser

Because I like him.We had good dates.
I behaved irrationally.

LegacyUser

He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.

batmanrobin

cala12 wrote: »

He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.

But he doesn't think it will work. So why waste your time?

Don't think I'd be too keen on meeting up with a guy who told me he didn't think it would work between us.

ellie1

My dear, you are on the slow fade here. He is being polite to you as he doesn't want the drama or maybe he shall keep you on the back burner.

It's time for you to learn your own value and worth. It's like you need to meet this man so he can validate you in some way. You don't! When you live and respect yourself you shall find that you won't put up with these breadcrumbs.

There are lots of nice good men out there so work on your own self esteem and confidence and then get back into dating.;)

Ursus Horribilis

You say you behaved irrationally? I think you need to take the d off the end of the word behaved. You are still coming across as irrational if you don't mind me saying.

I've read through this thread and I'm not so sure this guy is half as wonderful as you think he is. I bet you're a woman who has hardly ever had a boyfriend and is now so desperate she'll do just about anything. Although this sorry tale unleashed your inner crazy lady, I'm wondering what this guy was at. I wonder was he was that keen on you if he was taking 3 days to reply to a text or rowing over POF? Just a thought.

Even if he gets back in contact, I doubt very much that this will ever be a normal, sane interaction between the two of you. You've both flung insults at each other and you've given him a very very bad impression. No matter how great your dates were, do you really think he can forget the nutso behaviour you indulged in? That is a bell that can never be unrung.

LegacyUser

cala12 wrote: »

He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

Sorry, but this is a dreadful idea. On two counts: 1) you do seem to have quite a degree of over-investment in this guy, so you are going to be waiting around for contact from him - I do believe this to be true, despite you saying that he has framed it in terms of what you want. I'm sorry, but I believe you'll be right back to the bunny boiler texts again. And I don't think I'm being overly harsh in saying that, you were very out there with the texts. I'm not trying to criticise you, I'm just highlighting that you went several steps beyond way way too far.

2) you are on the hook. He has TOLD YOU (and I hate when people use Caps!) that it isn't going to work, ie no future in it. So the best you can expect is a casual hook-up. And you can't castigate him for this, after all, he has told you already that there's no future in it. Why are you setting yourself up for this fall? Honestly, you are just setting yourself out as a doormat: his timeframe, his terms, his way, and there's no future in it. Why are you crucifying yourself in this manner?

Forget him, you hardly know him anyway. He's told you there's no future in it, why are you just laying yourself out as a doormat to him? You're only going to end up hurting yourself if you continue on this self-destructive path OP

Meauldsegosha

cala12 wrote: »

... I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.

Neither do you really. You have only been on three dates with him.

cala12 wrote: »

I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

Yes you would because you are looking at things with rose tinted glasses on. You went on a few good dates with him and now you have him painted as a knight in shining armour when really his behaviour towards you wasn't that great.

cala12 wrote: »

He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

This is ridiculous. Why does he get to decide what will happen in your life in a few weeks. Don't be a doormat and have some respect for yourself. Don't let him treat you like this.

cala12 wrote: »

Because I like him.We had good dates.
I behaved irrationally.

Rose tinted glasses again. You may have had good dates but look at his behaviour between those dates.

cala12 wrote: »

He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.

Stop making excuses for him. He has given you a tiny sliver of light that something could happen in the future and you are holding on to that. I have to agree with other posters who suggest to take a step away from dating. You really need to work on your self-esteem. A relationship should enhance your life and bolster your self-esteem. This man has done neither of those things.

HiGlo

cala12 wrote: »

The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.

I mean you should call them just to chat in general... Not to talk about him. The purpose of calling or texting a friend when you are thinking about texting him is to distract you and take your mind off him. Not to over-analyse it all over again on a phone call with your friend....

LegacyUser

I know Higlo, I should have just rang and talked about something else! At the time, I don't think he had done anything wrong at all but I made it out to have.

I have to take some of the blame. It wasn't just him that did everything wrong. I was prob 100 times worse. My behaviour to him was not great at all!

I am not waiting for him, I am living my life.

He said he would text in a few weeks and see what I want to do. A lot may happen in a few weeks...

Tilly

cala12 wrote: »

I know Higlo, I should have just rang and talked about something else! At the time, I don't think he had done anything wrong at all but I made it out to have.

I have to take some of the blame. It wasn't just him that did everything wrong. I was prob 100 times worse. My behaviour to him was not great at all!

I am not waiting for him, I am living my life.

He said he would text in a few weeks and see what I want to do. A lot may happen in a few weeks...

He'll text you for what? Tell him to piss off! Cut all contact and delete his number. He doesn't want you and will use you now to rub his ego.

Ursus Horribilis

Tilly wrote: »

He'll text you for what? Tell him to piss off! Cut all contact and delete his number. He doesn't want you and will use you now to rub his ego.

It's not his ego he wants her to rub.... Sorry for the crassness but I think this is the way it's going.

CaraMay

Op I don't know what age you are but you really need to get some self respect and self control. I'm not trying to be mean to you but you are really setting yourself up time after time to be treated like crap. You don't seem to want to hear that you need to be alone for a while. I don't mean a month. I mean at least a year.