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Always mess things up

2

Comments

  • #32
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    That was the only time it took me a day to reply.

    I didn't reply that night cos I didn't want a fight but sure it turned out a lot worse.

    He ignored me all wknd, bar answering ph. ( I don't know if he would have answered if he was on own)

    I since told him I was annoyed and he wouldn't answer question. ...

    I felt there had been lack of effort with his texting (couldn't be bothered )
    Where as before it was different.


  • #33
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    Seriously it was 3 dates. You're making it sound like you were in a relationship with him.

    You are far too full on, it's probably time to stay away from dating like everyone else has suggested here. You just don't seem to be listening to any of us.


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hey,

    I am listening.I'm just replying to people who are so kind to reply.

    As I said , I am taking a break from it all.


  • #35
    Jimmy Bottlehead
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,931 ✭✭✭Jimmy Bottlehead


    cala12 wrote: »
    Hey,

    I am listening.I'm just replying to people who are so kind to reply.

    As I said , I am taking a break from it all.

    Good, but there's no point taking a break unless you work on yourself. Otherwise you'll just return to the same self destructive habits again after the break.


  • #36
    HiGlo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    cala12 wrote: »
    If I hadn't of over thought everything.Things would have been v different I think.

    Other's have commented on your lack of self awareness but I think you do have the awareness, but just haven't worked on how to control it.

    You can identify your issue (over thinking and stressing which leads to insecurity and bombarding with texts), so maybe now is a good time for you to learn how to control it?

    Some tricks people use are to write down what's on your mind - just to get it out of your head. When you pick up the phone call or text a friend instead, just for a chat. Power off your phone for a few hours so you aren't looking at it every 2 mins looking for a response and getting more and more tense when it doesn't come.... Pick up a book or magazine or whatever instead to distract you - or even do some housework or whatever.


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  • #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi HiGlo,

    Yeah, I am aware.The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.
    I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

    I know I acted like a crazy person .I am well aware unfortunately but I will try those tips thanks :)

    He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.


  • #38
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    cala12 wrote: »
    Hi HiGlo,

    Yeah, I am aware.The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.
    I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

    I know I acted like a crazy person .I am well aware unfortunately but I will try those tips thanks :)

    He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

    If I were you, I'd draw a line under it. "He doesn't think it will work but sure see what happens".... How romantic. If he doesn't think it will work, and you're not in the head space for a relationship (it's going to take you more than a few weeks to get your head straight), why bother?

    You say you have loads on but I'd wager you'll spend all that time obsessively thinking about him.

    Do yourself a favour and learn from your interactions with this guy, take a break from men and dating and focus on yourself.


  • #39
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Why would you want to meet him?


  • #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Because I like him.We had good dates.
    I behaved irrationally.


  • #41
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.


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  • #42
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    cala12 wrote: »
    He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.

    But he doesn't think it will work. So why waste your time?

    Don't think I'd be too keen on meeting up with a guy who told me he didn't think it would work between us.


  • #43
    ellie1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 360 ✭✭ellie1


    My dear, you are on the slow fade here. He is being polite to you as he doesn't want the drama or maybe he shall keep you on the back burner.

    It's time for you to learn your own value and worth. It's like you need to meet this man so he can validate you in some way. You don't! When you live and respect yourself you shall find that you won't put up with these breadcrumbs.

    There are lots of nice good men out there so work on your own self esteem and confidence and then get back into dating.;)


  • #44
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    You say you behaved irrationally? I think you need to take the d off the end of the word behaved. You are still coming across as irrational if you don't mind me saying.

    I've read through this thread and I'm not so sure this guy is half as wonderful as you think he is. I bet you're a woman who has hardly ever had a boyfriend and is now so desperate she'll do just about anything. Although this sorry tale unleashed your inner crazy lady, I'm wondering what this guy was at. I wonder was he was that keen on you if he was taking 3 days to reply to a text or rowing over POF? Just a thought.

    Even if he gets back in contact, I doubt very much that this will ever be a normal, sane interaction between the two of you. You've both flung insults at each other and you've given him a very very bad impression. No matter how great your dates were, do you really think he can forget the nutso behaviour you indulged in? That is a bell that can never be unrung.


  • #45
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    cala12 wrote: »
    He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

    Sorry, but this is a dreadful idea. On two counts: 1) you do seem to have quite a degree of over-investment in this guy, so you are going to be waiting around for contact from him - I do believe this to be true, despite you saying that he has framed it in terms of what you want. I'm sorry, but I believe you'll be right back to the bunny boiler texts again. And I don't think I'm being overly harsh in saying that, you were very out there with the texts. I'm not trying to criticise you, I'm just highlighting that you went several steps beyond way way too far.

    2) you are on the hook. He has TOLD YOU (and I hate when people use Caps!) that it isn't going to work, ie no future in it. So the best you can expect is a casual hook-up. And you can't castigate him for this, after all, he has told you already that there's no future in it. Why are you setting yourself up for this fall? Honestly, you are just setting yourself out as a doormat: his timeframe, his terms, his way, and there's no future in it. Why are you crucifying yourself in this manner?

    Forget him, you hardly know him anyway. He's told you there's no future in it, why are you just laying yourself out as a doormat to him? You're only going to end up hurting yourself if you continue on this self-destructive path OP


  • #46
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,683 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    cala12 wrote: »
    ... I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.

    Neither do you really. You have only been on three dates with him.
    cala12 wrote: »
    I think I shouldn't have said anything to my friends as wouldn't be in this mess now.

    Yes you would because you are looking at things with rose tinted glasses on. You went on a few good dates with him and now you have him painted as a knight in shining armour when really his behaviour towards you wasn't that great.

    cala12 wrote: »
    He said he will contact me in a few weeks.(He is in a different country ) to see what I wanna do.He says he doesn't think it will work but sure will see what happens. I'm not waiting for him.I have loads on but I'd like to meet at least once with no expectations.

    This is ridiculous. Why does he get to decide what will happen in your life in a few weeks. Don't be a doormat and have some respect for yourself. Don't let him treat you like this.

    cala12 wrote: »
    Because I like him.We had good dates.
    I behaved irrationally.

    Rose tinted glasses again. You may have had good dates but look at his behaviour between those dates.
    cala12 wrote: »
    He didn't say see what happens.That was a matter of speech.

    Stop making excuses for him. He has given you a tiny sliver of light that something could happen in the future and you are holding on to that. I have to agree with other posters who suggest to take a step away from dating. You really need to work on your self-esteem. A relationship should enhance your life and bolster your self-esteem. This man has done neither of those things.


  • #47
    HiGlo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    cala12 wrote: »
    The first time when I "thought " he wasn't making any effort I rang a friend. Mistake as they told me he wasn't worth my time but they didn't know him.

    I mean you should call them just to chat in general... Not to talk about him. The purpose of calling or texting a friend when you are thinking about texting him is to distract you and take your mind off him. Not to over-analyse it all over again on a phone call with your friend.... ;)


  • #48
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know Higlo, I should have just rang and talked about something else! At the time, I don't think he had done anything wrong at all but I made it out to have.

    I have to take some of the blame. It wasn't just him that did everything wrong. I was prob 100 times worse. My behaviour to him was not great at all!

    I am not waiting for him, I am living my life.

    He said he would text in a few weeks and see what I want to do. A lot may happen in a few weeks...


  • #49
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    cala12 wrote: »
    I know Higlo, I should have just rang and talked about something else! At the time, I don't think he had done anything wrong at all but I made it out to have.

    I have to take some of the blame. It wasn't just him that did everything wrong. I was prob 100 times worse. My behaviour to him was not great at all!

    I am not waiting for him, I am living my life.

    He said he would text in a few weeks and see what I want to do. A lot may happen in a few weeks...

    He'll text you for what? Tell him to piss off! Cut all contact and delete his number. He doesn't want you and will use you now to rub his ego.


  • #50
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    Tilly wrote: »
    He'll text you for what? Tell him to piss off! Cut all contact and delete his number. He doesn't want you and will use you now to rub his ego.

    It's not his ego he wants her to rub.... :D Sorry for the crassness but I think this is the way it's going.


  • #51
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Op I don't know what age you are but you really need to get some self respect and self control. I'm not trying to be mean to you but you are really setting yourself up time after time to be treated like crap. You don't seem to want to hear that you need to be alone for a while. I don't mean a month. I mean at least a year.


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  • #52
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    cala12 wrote: »
    I know Higlo, I should have just rang and talked about something else! At the time, I don't think he had done anything wrong at all but I made it out to have.

    I have to take some of the blame. It wasn't just him that did everything wrong. I was prob 100 times worse. My behaviour to him was not great at all!

    I am not waiting for him, I am living my life.

    He said he would text in a few weeks and see what I want to do. A lot may happen in a few weeks...

    Yeesh! OP, I truly get where you're coming from as I could have written your posts myself.

    Lay it out: both of you acting badly towards each other, him stringing you along and you thinking you're in control but you're not. You might think you're in charge - you're not. He's calling the shots. You'll convince yourself that you'll be living your life but you will be waiting and waiting to hear from him.

    You have over invested. I can assure you, if you had more self worth you would not settle for someone barely interested in you. You'd be telling him to hit the road.

    Might I suggest you have a read of Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I found it to be one hell of an eye opener.

    Listen to what others have said and take the time for yourself. When you love and respect yourself, you won't waste time on men like this guy.

    PS he's given himself an out by telling you he doesn't think it will work... So when (if) he ends up breaking your heart, he has a built in defence - he did tell you, you weren't listening.


  • #53
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Ok, thanks guys. I am 34 and yes I know you will be all be thinking she should know better at her age....

    Thanks CaraMay and Batmanrobin. Ye are right.


  • #54
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    cala12 wrote: »
    Ok, thanks guys. I am 34 and yes I know you will be all be thinking she should know better at her age....

    Thanks CaraMay and Batmanrobin. Ye are right.

    I'm not trying to dig at you or make you feel bad but sometimes you just need to stop and think. Think if this is the best you can do? Surely not! I suspect your age is coming into it. Are you panicking about having kids etc? If you don't choose wisely you could be stuck with an absolute knob for the rest of your life. Time to start acting fussy. You don't want to harass or chase someone into being with you.


  • #55
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I don't want kids so age is not coming into the equation..

    I don't know what way I perceived him but I don't think he is a knob. I think if I hadn't acted all crazy. We would still be dating. He made a lot of effort for me and then when I acted like an idiot, he threw it back at me. It wasn't me who started fight on pof, he did.... That was the beginning. He said he seen me on pof and that was it! I don't think that was fair at all.

    I regret my actions but what's done is done.


  • #56
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe he is just being polite, who knows. I have dated other guys and I realize when there is something there and when there is no point continuing.


  • #57
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have deleted all my online dating accounts now.

    I guess it was a red flag when he seen me on pof and got carried away.

    He did say horrible things to me but no worse than what I said to him.

    The difference is I still like him but he doesn't feel same way about me.

    Probably if I hadn't of went on pof things would of been different.
    He might have assumed I went off it.

    I hadn't logged in in 2 wks and the minute I did he knows half hr later.


  • #58
    Scarinae
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 11,362 ✭✭✭✭Scarinae


    cala12 wrote: »
    Probably if I hadn't of went on pof things would of been different.
    He might have assumed I went off it.

    I hadn't logged in in 2 wks and the minute I did he knows half hr later.

    Presumably the reason he saw that you were online was because he was online himself? So he can't really get pissy with you for logging onto POF when he was doing the exact same thing. He doesn't sound that great, I'd cut my losses OP and if he tries to contact you again ignore him.


  • #59
    batmanrobin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 385 ✭✭batmanrobin


    cala12 wrote: »
    I have deleted all my online dating accounts now.

    I guess it was a red flag when he seen me on pof and got carried away.

    He did say horrible things to me but no worse than what I said to him.

    The difference is I still like him but he doesn't feel same way about me.

    Probably if I hadn't of went on pof things would of been different.
    He might have assumed I went off it.

    I hadn't logged in in 2 wks and the minute I did he knows half hr later.

    So you're responsible for how he reacts? Why is it your fault? If he liked you properly he could have just talked to you about whether you were still on pof, whether the two of you might be dating other people or just seeing each other. You know, normal conversation. Mature, adult, healthy conversation.

    Honestly, OP, I know you like him but he doesn't sound like the catch you think he is. Stop blaming yourself for it turning out the way it did. I imagine you can place some of the blame at his feet.

    Things might have gone bad with or without pof. As another poster pointed out, he'd have to be on it himself to know that you were on it. Double standards much!!


  • #60
    magneticimpulse
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,952 ✭✭✭magneticimpulse


    I don't think a break from dating is a good thing. If you were to meet someone you really like after not dating for a long time then you will be back to square one being needy and desperate - you wouldn't have learnt from your mistakes. Sure you can chat to professional but that is just words. You need to change your actions and behaviours. by cutting off men for a year, how to you expect to act normal around one you like?

    My advice is to keep going on dates - even with guys you just think are average. You will learn how to act around normal guys and therefore be more relaxed with one you like. Practise makes perfect. It's like telling someone who sits at a piano to take a break because they make mistakes and go back to it in a year - they will achieve nothing unless they practise at that.


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  • #61
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yeah, that's what I kind of thought.

    I went on 2 dates last wk and both asked me on 2nd date but I'm not interested in them...
    All it did was confirm how much I like the other guy.:(

    I have been on good few dates and know the difference between average and a good date...

    I wish I hadn't of logged onto pof and I wish I hadn't acted all crazy.I can't blame him for acting mean to me and pushing him away.

    I doubt very much he will text in a month anyway.
    I am sad about it but will have to keep meeting more people and perhaps I might meet someone I like more.


This discussion has been closed.
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