Fat, unattractive and let myself go

SAMTALK · 11-02-2016 05:44PM

I cant believe anyone would justify OP's saying this to her. 6lbs.....letting herself go.???? SHES A SIZE BLOODY 10
Has society got to the stage that we can be so critical of people and others can see it as caring.
What will he be like when she starts getting wrinkles, maybe her hair thins out a bit, might get middle age spread?
Will he stop loving her then?

LegacyUser · 11-02-2016 06:28PM

It really depends, 6lb can be water weight and I can easily put that on over a few days (and I'm a size 6) if I'm not eating the best and am bloated but will go just as quick if I eat healthy and debloat for a few days. But if it's 6lbs of actual weight, as in its now your base weight that you fluctuate from, then that's a different thing. But it still is a very small weight gain, and your husbands reaction seems a bit much. You don't say OP what he is generally like, the fact that you are shocked by his reaction says this is out of character?
Some men do fear the whole cliché of once you're married their partner might start to not make as much effort, and that could have been on his mind and the small weight gain caused him to overreact. He didn't bring it up in a sensitive and caring way, explain to him that you were hurt by his bluntness and are worried by his being over critical of your appearance. Yes he did have a point that couples do need to make an effort for each other, and maybe he needs reassurance for the future that you will care about yours. It was one thing that turned me off my ex, but he had put on way more weight than you! Have a talk with your husband and explain your feelings and that he has made you feel insecure and unloved.

LeeLooLee · 11-02-2016 07:48PM

It's really impossible to say without knowing what you look like (and how much you have changed) and without knowing his personality and the way he made the comment. One thing I will say is that some women vastly underestimate their dress size. I know quite a few people who claim to be a size 10 and there's simply no way they are. Maybe a size 10 in brands who partake in vanity sizing and make their clothes way bigger. I'm 5'5, 8 stone and a petite build and am struggling to pull up my size 10 jeans because of the little bit of weight I put on over Christmas. So it might be that. Or maybe he's just a jerk. Hard to know with so little info.

power pants · 11-02-2016 09:23PM

I can put on and lose 2kgs overnight depending on lots of things. I think it would be impossible to notice if I had or hadnt.

Are you sure you put on only 6lbs and are a size 10? Sometimes people might not like to admit their true weight etc

questionmark? · 11-02-2016 09:27PM

It's 6 pounds. I can put that on after a weekend of beer and food and lose it again by the Wednesday. Your a size ten and you mentioned tall OP. Lets be honest a huge amount of woman would love to be your size.

Yes it's important to keep yourself healthy for yourself and attractive to your partner but that works both ways and if someone is letting themselves go they should bring it up in a sensitive way.

Carlos Orange · 11-02-2016 10:57PM

Where does the 6 pounds come from? If it is 6 pounds it is nothing, just weight going up and down and he is over reacting. If it is 6 pounds actual increase (ignoring daily/weekly up and down) you are keeping an eye on things and it is fine,nothing let go of. Just make sure you are honest without yourself about what is going on and where things are. Maybe he has jumped the gun or maybe ...

12-02-2016 09:42AM

6 pounds or 16 pounds, the issue for me would be this:

Theamia wrote: »

we had a fight at the weekend and he said something along the lines that I had a fat gut or something like that cant remember the exact words. I didn't even bother acknowledging it as he usually throws something like that in a middle of a fight. Fight was something stupid that was blown out of proportion by both of us and was sorted. I said to him last night that I didn't really like how he always makes comments like that during fights so that's what prompted the "conversation" last night.

So when you argue he usually takes a swing at your appearance and when you told him (outside of an argument) you don't think it's fair he makes comments like that during fights, he got defensive which ultimately led to:

Theamia wrote: »

I've gotten fat and let myself go which he finds unattractive.

and all of your concern about gaining 6 pounds and trying to explain why.

Honestly OP, I agree with you. He is being a díckhead. Do not let this go. Arguments are fine but resorting to personal insults as a way of shutting them down is immature at best. Stick to your guns and leave him in no doubt that this cannot continue. Good luck.

Neyite · 12-02-2016 01:14PM

The 6lbs is clouding the issue a bit. You can lose 6lbs if you put your mind to it, but you might be tempted to instantly lose 14 stone instead right now.

One thing I noticed in my own previous relationships is that name-calling sticks - you'll remember being called a bitch or fat or whatever long after you've made up and forgotten what the argument was about. And after a while it starts to build up if its habitual to be called names or insulted in a row over the dishes.

Like scrunching up a bit of paper (a marriage certificate perhaps??) You can smooth it out, and it might not be in too bad shape the first time, but the creases will stay there. If you keep crumpling up that bit of paper on a habitual basis, sooner or later that bit of paper will be in a bad state. Just like your self esteem will be if you have some hurtful thing thrown at you each time you have an argument (like most couples do) Maybe try to explain to him using this analogy if you think it might help?

You are right to not let this go yet. He needs to see where arguments should be about remaining civil and respectful to each other and only focusing on the issue of the immediate dispute without point scoring, name calling or yelling. We are far from perfect as a couple, but its a ground rule for us not to name-call, shout, or drag in other stuff to the argument, and overall it works pretty well.

Remind him of the vows he took - the sickness and in health bit. If he broke his leg tomorrow and was unable to go to the gym for 8 weeks and gained weight, lost muscle tone, and got a bit pudgy around the midriff, would he find your disgust at his body acceptable? He would understand if he had a no sex rule imposed on him until he got ripped again? And that when he turns 50 and gets a bit saggy the same applies? Because that's essentially what he is telling you - your relationship has a shelf life dependant on you being physically attractive to him in a very specific way and nothing outside of that is acceptable to him. So why agree to marry and grow old with you then?

6lbs is nothing when it comes to future baby weight. Some women gain loads, some don't. Some lose it quickly afterwards, some don't. Some women's bodies change dramatically after pregnancy and breastfeeding, others, not so much. So if he finds 6lbs a turn of to the point of insulting you, then honestly, he's nowhere near dad material.

He may have just thrown it into the argument to get the upper hand. I hope so, because that's something he can work on. If he really meant it, then you have bigger issues to worry about.

Potatoeman · 12-02-2016 02:06PM

You say you were busy for a few months but what were you doing? That's a long time to be busy. The longer you take a break from excercising the tougher it is to start again and you can always find an excuse. He's not asking you to do anything he isn't doing himself. The older you get and the more your metabolism slows the easier you gain weight. Even an hour or two of exercise makes a difference.

Someone above asked what is he going to be like when your pregnant but he's probably wondering the same thing about you.

woodchuck · 12-02-2016 02:19PM

I'm genuinely SHOCKED at some of the comments on here defending the OPs husband. I know there have been threads on here before from the other side, but it was always a case of someone had put on a lot of weight and hadn't been taking care of themselves for a long time and people were looking for advice on a gentle way to approach the topic. That's NOT what is happening here. The OP is a SIZE TEN ffs and it sounds like her husband didn't even attempt to discuss it in a 'nice' manner. I think the bigger issue is the attitude of the husband (name calling etc), not putting on very small bit of weigh (but still a healthy weight from the sounds of it) during the winter months.

Neyite · 12-02-2016 02:20PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

Someone above asked what is he going to be like when your pregnant but he's probably wondering the same thing about you.

If he's the kind of man that will comment on ANY weight gain during pregnancy, then the OP should run. Run as fast as she can. The only acceptable person to comment on a woman's weight gain during a pregnancy is her Obstetrician or Midwife. Anyone else can keep their mouths shut, particularly partners who would prioritise their requirements for arousal before the health and well being of their wife and child.

woodchuck · 12-02-2016 02:23PM

Neyite wrote: »

If he's the kind of man that will comment on ANY weight gain during pregnancy, then the OP should run. Run as fast as she can. The only acceptable person to comment on a woman's weight gain during a pregnancy is her Obstetrician or Midwife. Anyone else can keep their mouths shut, particularly partners who would prioritise their requirements for arousal before the health and well being of their wife and child.

Even aside from pregnancy, what about just natural aging. Peoples metabolisms generally tend to slow down the older they get. And unfortunately the older you get, the more likely you are to have other health problems that make exercise an ever increasing challenge...

Potatoeman · 12-02-2016 02:34PM

Neyite wrote: »

If he's the kind of man that will comment on ANY weight gain during pregnancy, then the OP should run. Run as fast as she can. The only acceptable person to comment on a woman's weight gain during a pregnancy is her Obstetrician or Midwife. Anyone else can keep their mouths shut, particularly partners who would prioritise their requirements for arousal before the health and well being of their wife and child.

Not during the pregnancy but after. Some women never lose the weight they gain and with kids you can always be busy. You need to make time, exercise in front of the tv of you have to.

SAMTALK · 12-02-2016 02:58PM

I cant believe some of the comments about this post. It is never right for a person to speak to someone about their weight in that way.
The issue here is not the 6 lbs but the way her husband spoke to her.
If for arguments sake OP had an accident and wasnt able to excercise again due to a disability I wonder would husband walk because she let herself go???
If husband was the one who had accident would he be ok with wife walking???
What a shallow world we live in

Augme · 12-02-2016 03:14PM

SAMTALK wrote: »

I cant believe some of the comments about this post. It is never right for a person to speak to someone about their weight in that way.
The issue here is not the 6 lbs but the way her husband spoke to her.
If for arguments sake OP had an accident and wasnt able to excercise again due to a disability I wonder would husband walk because she let herself go???
If husband was the one who had accident would he be ok with wife walking???
What a shallow world we live in

The difference is an accident is something you can't control Your weight is.

SAMTALK · 12-02-2016 03:18PM

Augme wrote: »

The difference is an accident is something you can't control Your weight is.

I think if someone is that shallow they wouldnt be able to reason this argument. I just cant believe that a husband could think its acceptable to speak like this.
If it was a serious weight gain and was damaging to her health yes maybe speak to her "nicely" but seriously shes a SIZE 10 and its 6 lbs we're talking about here

njs030 · 12-02-2016 03:28PM

Did the Op post a second time? I haven't seen the bits quotes above before.

(Off topic but mods is there any chance anon posts could be posted at the time they are approved rather than the time they are written? It's confusing when the update is 4-5 or even more posts back and means reading the whole thread every time to check)

Potatoeman · 12-02-2016 03:33PM

SAMTALK wrote: »

I think if someone is that shallow they wouldnt be able to reason this argument. I just cant believe that a husband could think its acceptable to speak like this.
If it was a serious weight gain and was damaging to her health yes maybe speak to her "nicely" but seriously shes a SIZE 10 and its 6 lbs we're talking about here

I'm not sure how he said as it's not clear but six months is not the begining of a pattern but a change of lifestyle. Waiting until its serious weight gain isn't good for either party.

Neyite · 12-02-2016 03:34PM

notjustsweet wrote: »

Did the Op post a second time? I haven't seen the bits quotes above before.

(Off topic but mods is there any chance anon posts could be posted at the time they are approved rather than the time they are written? It's confusing when the update is 4-5 or even more posts back and means reading the whole thread every time to check)

We've no control over a post's time stamp so also no control over the order in which they appear. But we try to approve posts as soon as we can.

beks101 · 12-02-2016 03:39PM

It's just so cold and unloving, that would be my main issue.

Weight is such a sensitive issue, if it ever got to the point where my OH wasn't attracted to me because I'd gained some I just can't imagine him barking at me and guilting and shaming me like that. It's just such a harsh, bullying kind of way to go about things. Over a couple of pounds? Is this how he generally approaches you over matters that dissatisfy him? I'm not sure I could live with someone like that.

If it were me I'd be sitting him down and telling him in no uncertain terms that he is never to speak/shout at me like that again. Yes, you've gained a few pounds, c'est la vie, **** happens. No, it does not give him the right to treat you like a piece of dirt on his shoe. You are his wife and as such you expect love and support, not abuse and aggression over matters which affect your confidence and self-esteem. And no, it doesn't constitute 'tough love', it constitutes abuse.

SAMTALK · 12-02-2016 03:44PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

I'm not sure how he said as it's not clear but six months is not the begining of a pattern but a change of lifestyle. Waiting until its serious weight gain isn't good for either party.

If it was said during a fight id imagine it wasnt in a caring and loving fashion ( maybe im wrong).
OP has put up 6lbs and is a size 10!! I just think its sad really that he has hurt her feeling like this and supposedly still in the honeymoon stages.
Will he have a problem with stretch marks after childbirth? Sagging breasts after breastfeeding?
Sorry but I think this is just crazy and to be honest I cant believe he could even tell if she had 6 lbs up.

Potatoeman · 12-02-2016 05:37PM

SAMTALK wrote: »

If it was said during a fight id imagine it wasnt in a caring and loving fashion ( maybe im wrong).
OP has put up 6lbs and is a size 10!! I just think its sad really that he has hurt her feeling like this and supposedly still in the honeymoon stages.
Will he have a problem with stretch marks after childbirth? Sagging breasts after breastfeeding?
Sorry but I think this is just crazy and to be honest I cant believe he could even tell if she had 6 lbs up.

As another poster mentioned it depends on your body type.

From how the poster describes things, they are married six months, he exercies but she's too busy for the last six months. It might not be a big issue now but it's not a great start to a marriage.

Yes, having kids is a strain on your body but not keeping active won't help.

Penny Tration · 12-02-2016 05:45PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

As another poster mentioned it depends on your body type.

From how the poster describes things, they are married six months, he exercies but she's too busy for the last six months. It might not be a big issue now but it's not a great start to a marriage.

Yes, having kids is a strain on your body but not keeping active won't help.

The issue here isn't his dissatisfaction with her gaining six pounds. If she's gained weight and it shows on her body then if he wants to tell her, fair enough.

The problem here is that he told her in an argument that she's fat, unattractive and has let herself go.

That's not having a discussion. That's not showing concern. That's being an absolute knob and trying to hurt her.

Potatoeman · 12-02-2016 06:29PM

Penny Tration wrote: »

The issue here isn't his dissatisfaction with her gaining six pounds. If she's gained weight and it shows on her body then if he wants to tell her, fair enough.

The problem here is that he told her in an argument that she's fat, unattractive and has let herself go.

That's not having a discussion. That's not showing concern. That's being an absolute knob and trying to hurt her.

It's a d*ck move if it's only to hurt her feelings but if it's something that's been bubbling under the surface for a while that's a different matter.

Penny Tration · 12-02-2016 06:42PM

Potatoeman wrote: »

It's a d*ck move if it's only to hurt her feelings but if it's something that's been bubbling under the surface for a while that's a different matter.

It's not. Absolutely nothing gives him the right to tell her she's fat and unattractive. Adults use adult words, not childish insults.

Daisy78 · 12-02-2016 08:07PM

From how the poster describes things, they are married six months, he exercies but she's too busy for the last six months. It might not be a big issue now but it's not a great start to a marriagel[/quote]

You are right, its not a great start to the marriage but not for the reasons you think. If he is so intolerant of such a small change in his wife's body then I think it might say more about his lack of sensitivity and maturity than her attitude to the weight gain. To be honest his attitude is a total turn off. There is no way I would want to have sex with a partner if they came out with such a statement. Fair enough if it was incremental weight gain over a longer period of time but we are talking about 6 pounds here. He needs a reality check big time (and a kick up the arse as well while you are at it op). You need to let him know that his expectations about your body are totally unrealistic and you won't put up with him pressurising you over something so insignificant as this. As somebody mentioned what would he do if you got pregnant, how would he handle that?

Tasden · 12-02-2016 08:51PM

The 6lbs isn't the issue. Op being size 10 isn't the issue. Whether he has issues with the weight gain or not isn't the issue. How he'd cope with pregnancy isn't the issue.

The only issue imo is with the fact he didn't express his concern/opinion with love or care. He insulted op and disrespected her.

I'm size 8. If I put on a tiny bit of weight (i don't use a scales so can't quantify) it will show in my belly and my bum. If it shows on my belly i feel very unattractive. Not fat, not overweight, but significantly less attractive when naked as it looks unpleasant to me to see that change. If my partner felt the same I would most definitely want to hear that because if he fell in love with me a certain size or shape and I no longer look that way it is a fair point imo to state that. Yes we age and change but that doesn't mean people/partners have to like that or refrain from expressing how they feel. But its the WAY they do that which is important imo. And whether I want to act on that is then entirely my choice.

The whole "how would he cope if you were pregnant" thing seems completely irrelevant to me. Op is not pregnant. Allowances, for want of a better word, are made at certain life stages where it is beyond a person's control, nature takes hold and changes are to be expected. Maybe part of the husbands problem is that there is no "valid" reason for not keeping on top of a healthy lifestyle and maintaining the same weight while young and child free. Plenty of time for accepting and loving natural changes that come with ageing and pregnancy etc later in life. But perhaps it is not so easy to accept them when it seems that no effort is being made re appearance. Whether you feel that opinion/thought is nice/acceptable is your own decision. I personally would consider it a perfectly understandable and acceptable way for a partner to feel. How he expresses that is what I would be concerned about.

How he insulted you op is not right. Throwing it out in an argument is a horrible thing to do. And any opinion he may have on the matter is entirely separate to HOW he expressed the opinion. It wasn't said with sensitivity or love, it was said in anger and without consideration for your feelings and that is what I would have a problem with if it was me. Not the opinion itself or the underlying "weight issue" or however you want to phrase it.

power pants · 12-02-2016 09:05PM

woodchuck wrote: »

I'm genuinely SHOCKED at some of the comments on here defending the OPs husband. I know there have been threads on here before from the other side, but it was always a case of someone had put on a lot of weight and hadn't been taking care of themselves for a long time and people were looking for advice on a gentle way to approach the topic. That's NOT what is happening here. The OP is a SIZE TEN ffs and it sounds like her husband didn't even attempt to discuss it in a 'nice' manner. I think the bigger issue is the attitude of the husband (name calling etc), not putting on very small bit of weigh (but still a healthy weight from the sounds of it) during the winter months.

My take on it is he brought up that she had let herself go and then an argument ensued, not that an argument happened and then the weight gain comment came about

Still finding it hard to believe about this 6lbs though

happyoutscan · 12-02-2016 09:13PM

You had a fight and things were said. It happens. Obviously from this thread you're not overweight, certainly not enough to merit worrying about it. Go hug and get over it.

bee06 · 12-02-2016 09:14PM

power pants wrote: »

My take on it is he brought up that she had let herself go and then an argument ensued, not that an argument happened and then the weight gain comment came about

Still finding it hard to believe about this 6lbs though

That's what I thought originally too but in the OP's second post she said that during an arguement about something else he threw out that she had a "fat gut". When she raised it a few days later that it was hurtful etc he got defensive and another arguement ensued.

Throwing hurtful personal comments at someone during an arguement is childish behaviour and no way for someone who is supposed to love the other person should act.

Fat, unattractive and let myself go

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