Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

1…267268270272273…327

Comments

  • #8072
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,978 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Top Tip:

    When your kids come in your bedroom and jump all over you at 5am on Christmas Day, pretend to be dead.

    It's funny.


  • #8073
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,978 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.


  • #8074
    chughes
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,740 ✭✭✭chughes


    Christmas is a time when a red faced old man comes into your bedroom and empties his sack. But enough about Catherine Zeta Jones...........


  • #8075
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.


    It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,

    "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track.

    I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet God."


    Apparently "Remain calm and stay on the line was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #8076
    TheBody
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,644 ✭✭✭TheBody


    There is a nudist convention on in town next week. I might go if I have nothing on.


  • Advertisement
  • #8077
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Paddy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
    The barman looks at the creature and asks Paddy what he calls it.
    'Tiny', answers Paddy.
    'Why's that?' asks the barman.'Because he's my newt' says Paddy.


  • #8078
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun?

    They go into town and blow a few bucks.


  • #8079
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


  • #8080
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."


  • #8081
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Wife wanted something with dimounds for Chistmas ,, ,,



    I got her a deck of cards.


  • Advertisement
  • #8082
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    Due to the cost of petrol this year, Chris Rea is cycling home for Christmas!


  • #8083
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    I asked the other half earlier what she wanted for Christmas as her surprise.

    "Oooh, I don't know. Maybe something cool, sparkly and tasteful," she said with a wink.
    Excellent, a ****ing Bottle of 7 Up it is then.


  • #8084
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 54,222 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    My wife complained that I never took her anywhere expensive so I put her in the car and took her to the Topaz garage.


  • #8085
    tayto lover
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 54,222 ✭✭✭✭tayto lover


    Last week in Dunnes Stores in front of a load of people the wife said out loud " you're the laziest man I ever met in my life".
    I nearly fell out of the trolley with the shock.


  • #8086
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,871 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Scientists have located the gene for alcoholism. They found it at a party, talking way too loudly.


  • #8087
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    What do you call a cat in the desert



    Sandypaws



    Why dident the skeleton go to the new year party

    he had no body to go with


  • #8088
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Two men walking through the desert.

    Desperate for a drink of water, get to the top of a dune and see a Bedouin market in the next valley.

    Overjoyed, they run down to the market and approach the nearest stallholder to ask him for some water.

    "Sorry", he says, "I don't have any water, Only custard, jelly or sponge cake".

    Frustrated, they try the next stall.

    And the next, and the next one after that.

    Every stallholder just says the same thing, "sorry, I only have jelly, sponge cake or custard".

    Getting more and more thirsty, they leave the market and continue their search for water.

    "That was very strange, back there" says the first man to his friend.



    "I agree", says his friend, "it was a trifle bazaar".

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #8089
    Ken.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,898 ✭✭✭✭Ken.


    MOD- Folks this has been a fairly light hearted thread so far. I've deleted a few risque jokes. Please remember Boards is a pg-13 site so try to keep the jokes relatively clean. Thank you and enjoy the rest of your Christmas day.


  • #8090
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,978 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    realies wrote: »
    What do you call a lion in the desert



    Sandy Claws
    fyp


  • #8091
    gramar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,045 ✭✭✭✭gramar


    I’ve been invited round a neighbours for a Christmas drink with nibbles.

    They treat that cat like royalty.


  • Advertisement
  • #8092
    Armchair Andy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭Armchair Andy


    Two lesbians in a bath.

    One goes "Where's the soap?", the other replies

    "Does, doesn't it?"


  • #8093
    BattleCorp
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,856 ✭✭✭✭BattleCorp


    Armchair Andy wrote: »
    Two lesbians in a bath.

    One goes "Where's the soap?", the other replies

    "Does, doesn't it?"

    Em???


  • #8094
    rizzodun
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,598 ✭✭✭rizzodun


    BattleCorp wrote: »
    Em???

    This joke tends to cause a lot of friction with people who don't get it... ;)


  • #8095
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,978 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I got one of those wind up radios for Christmas. I brought it home, turned it on but it kept telling me that Liverpool would win the Premiership.


  • #8096
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 94,978 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Why are mountains so funny?

    Because they are hill areas.


  • #8097
    Comer1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,167 ✭✭✭Comer1


    BattleCorp wrote: »
    Em???

    where's/wears

    Still not funny, no matter how many times that joke has been posted in this thread.


  • #8098
    Hagar7
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    ....And the good Lord said,'I will make good women on the four corners of this Earth of mine.'
    So what does he go and do next?
    Makes the world round.:(


  • #8099
    coolhull
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    Why are mountains so funny?

    Because they are hill areas.

    From a kid's Christmas cracker eh? Can't beat 'em....


  • #8100
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've just found one of the kids presents from last year, in the Attic.













    Shame really, they would of enjoyed playing with that Kitten

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #8101
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

    A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

    An American doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have both looking for work in two weeks."

    The Irish doctor, not to be out done, said "Ha! We took an asshole out of Mayo, put him in the Dáil and half the country was looking for work the next day."


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement