Single life as a guy...

Tigger99 · 21-12-2015 07:08PM

A lot of women in great jobs also get great maternity leave Puca mama. So that salary differential you talk of isn't as concerning. Also I've seen friends of mine with husbands in less well paying jobs than them, with the less crazy hours to match so they can pick up kids more etc.

Tigger99 · 21-12-2015 07:09PM

Sorry Pawwed Rig, I didn't see your post when I posted.

zephyro · 21-12-2015 08:39PM

Gael23 wrote: »

A mans purpose is to pass on his genes and all that.

From a purely biological perspective yes, but that doesn't mean it makes logical sense. After all, if you fully obeyed your genetic programming as a man you'd have a child every few years from about 15 until you died! Realise that the interests of your DNA and yourself as an individual are not necessarily the same.

Fukuyama · 21-12-2015 11:30PM

Wouldn't mind a bit of perspective from older posters here on this:

I'm almost 24. I've had one long term relationship (4 years) until I was 21 and the odd little fling here and there shortly after that ended. It was a very healthy relationship and it ended amicably.

For the last three years I've had an almost complete apathy towards women in general when it comes to romance. Zero motivation or drive. The only relationships I've formed with women has been friendships. Any time there's even a chance something might form romantically I almost subconsciously torpedo it before it even becomes a viable option.

A few months back something developed and I let it do so. Friendly texting became flirting which eventually led to discussing a date. I genuinely began to like this girl. But I was filled with dread about even the possibility of being someones boyfriend again.

I have zero wish to commit to anyone.

I've grown to love my freedom over the last two years in every form. Doing what I want, when I want without even having to so much as inform another person as a courtesy. I can spend my weekend being really active or covered in crumbs watching Netflix. Don't have to deal with any of the crap my mates have to put up with from their girlfriends like nagging, moaning. Don't have to worry about birthdays, valentines, Christmas, her family etc... When I think about a relationship my reaction is basically this.

I know relationships can be supportive etc... But I'm very independent and quite introverted. I like to do my own thing.

Now my problems start when

(i) One night stands are not for me. I stopped going to nightclubs regularly etc... at 19/20. Hate the places and avoid as much as I can. The one thing I do miss and crave is physical intimacy including sex but also just 'closeness' like cuddling and all that jazz.

(ii) My friends seem to all either be in relationships or chasing girls at every turn. Relationships/sex is the be all and end all. I feel like I'm possibly missing out on a core part of my 20's and might regret not doing this.

(iii) As other have mentioned there's the jokes/queries as to my sexuality. At first I thought it was funny and I still laugh it off but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't getting a bit annoying and hurtful at this stage. I'm a fairly average Irish male. No stereotypical giveaway "camp" behavior or anything which would lead people to jump to conclusions. This only started when people found out I've been single for a while and don't actively pursue every woman that says hello. A drunk female co-worker once asked me was I gay in the middle of a group conversation and told me it's okay if I was. I just sat there as the attention of about a dozen people instantly turned to me and awkwardly told her that "No, I'm not. Thanks though...".

Would appreciate any advice or insight from people with a similar experience. I'd be lying if I said all of the above wasn't starting to weigh on my mind more and more as the months/years tick by.

In general I am happy though. From time to time I just wonder if I'm the type of person who's better off alone.

ancapailldorcha · 21-12-2015 11:41PM

Sans the relationships F, I could have written that entire post. I read some good advice on this forum about a year or so back and I've been trying to focus on things I enjoy doing, mostly solitary pursuits such as reading, films, hiking and so on. Some of these have the obvious capacity to become social interactions but I quite enjoy the solitary elements of them. For example, if I'm hiking and I happen upon a small pub, museum or whatever, I enjoy having the freedom of being able to go inside and enjoy a minor detour.

There are A LOT of good pubs around here. I have zero drive to explore them and even less to mess about with nightclubs. I've grown to cherish and savour my independence as a result of moulding to a mainly solitary lifestyle.

Fukuyama · 21-12-2015 11:57PM

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Sans the relationships F, I could have written that entire post. I read some good advice on this forum about a year or so back and I've been trying to focus on things I enjoy doing, mostly solitary pursuits such as reading, films, hiking and so on. Some of these have the obvious capacity to become social interactions but I quite enjoy the solitary elements of them. For example, if I'm hiking and I happen upon a small pub, museum or whatever, I enjoy having the freedom of being able to go inside and enjoy a minor detour.

There are A LOT of good pubs around here. I have zero drive to explore them and even less to mess about with nightclubs. I've grown to cherish and savour my independence as a result of moulding to a mainly solitary lifestyle.

Yeah, solitary pursuits are something I quite enjoy. I've gotten into programming in a big way recently and hope to shift the career in that direction as I just love it. Tbh I sometimes wish people were as easy as writing a program is.

Gonna get back into jogging in the new year too. I miss it.

I do worry that solitary pursuits could lead to isolation in the long-term. As friends become busy with girlfriends (a few already discussing weddings etc...) I find myself spending more time alone which I love. But I do wonder if I'll reach 30 and be basically a celibate loner.

Dial Hard · 22-12-2015 12:21AM

So, I'm a chick. And I've followed this thread from its inception rather a long time ago. The two posts I'm about to quote really struck a chord with me, because I think a) they're probably indicative of how lot of young men feel these days and b) I find what they're saying genuinely sad, in the original sense of the word.

Obviously, nobody here has to accept my opinion, but here it is.

Fukuyama wrote:

I've grown to love my freedom over the last two years. Doing what I want, when I want without even having to so much as inform another person as a courtesy. I can spend my weekend being really active or covered in crumbs watching Netflix

But if you let *anyone* in you have to do that. It shouldn't be the sole remit of a girlfriend to "make" you get off the couch of a weekend. Don't you have to extend that same courtesy to family and friends as it is anyway?

If not, if you're literally not answerable to one other person in your life, then there's other factors at play than just not wsnting a girlfriend, imo.

ancapailldorcha wrote:

There are A LOT of good pubs around here. I have zero drive to explore them and even less to mess about with nightclubs. I've grown to cherish and savour my independence as a result of moulding to a mainly solitary existence.

There seems to be an acceptance on this thread (and in life at large) that the singletons of Ireland are all out stalking the country's pubs and nightclubs every weekend and if that's not your scene, you're goosed.

I've had my share of relationships over the years. I was married. I didn't meet a single one of my partners in a nightclub. I can't think of anyone I know who did. Not going to nightclubs/pubs is not an automatic write-off into obscurity. Writing yourself off into obscurity probably is.

Being single rocks, if that's your bag. But there seems to be an awful lot of resignation to being single because "What else *is* there?" on this thread, and it kind of hurts my heart. Not every potential partner, male or female, is out to get you lads.

Fukuyama · 22-12-2015 12:56AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

But if you let *anyone* in you have to do that. It shouldn't be the sole remit of a girlfriend to "make" you get off the couch of a weekend. Don't you have to extend that same courtesy to family and friends as it is anyway?

If not, if you're literally not answerable to one other person in your life, then there's other factors at play than just not wsnting a girlfriend, imo.

Not really. For example, I've often popped off to London with friends for a couple of days on a whim because Ryanair were doing cheap flights. I tell nobody really at short notice and know that I don't have to consult with anyone.

It's just a dynamic I have with family/friends. I don't do it in a rude way but if I'm planning my week I do it my way and if it doesn't work with someone else's plans I just do it my way and agree to meet up next week.

There's also a lot to be said for being able to "yeah" to an invite to the pub at 5.50 pm after work and just go. No need to text and say where you're going and no need to plan on being home at any time. I could go home at 6pm or 3am steaming drunk and fall into bed.

There seems to be an acceptance on this thread (and in life at large) that the singletons of Ireland are all out stalking the country's pubs and nightclubs every weekend and if that's not your scene, you're goosed.

I've had my share of relationships over the years. I was married. I didn't meet a single one of my partners in a nightclub. I can't think of anyone I know who did. Not going to nightclubs/pubs is not an automatic write-off into obscurity. Writing yourself off into obscurity probably is.

Nightclubs for me would only offer the potential for (mediocre) sex. This is a proposition I would love to take up if only my disdain for nightclubs didn't more than cancel out my desire for women physically. So I go without both.

I agree that nightclubs in general wouldn't be a great place to search for girlfriends.

Being single rocks, if that's your bag. But there seems to be an awful lot of resignation to being single because "What else *is* there?" on this thread, and it kind of hurts my heart. Not every potential partner, male or female, is out to get you lads.

My own situation would be that I enjoy being single but wonder if I'm missing out.

If I could sum it up I'd say that I miss intimacy, deep connection and being in love. But I hate having to deal with the other aspects of relationships which get in the way of my desire to do my own thing. I call these "ceremonial duties". My idea of a living hell is attending one of her family events like a christening where I'm in official boyfriend mode or having to endure weekends spend with her friends who I've to pretend to like.

I also regularly listen to friends or colleagues after 2/3 pints vent about their girlfriend/fiancee/wife. The day-today small ball crap they've to put up with gives me Vietnam flashbacks. Even little things like texting to know when I'll be home, home decor choices like useless candles, cushions etc... or petty arguments over unimportant things would drive me 'round the bed. I quickly remember why I love being totally alone.

But then the old winter nights come around and I get to thinking that I'd love to have a smart, nice, beautiful girl to relax with and I genuinely consider whether this is an option for me.

Seanachai · 22-12-2015 09:55AM

Fukuyama wrote: »

Not really. For example, I've often popped off to London with friends for a couple of days on a whim because Ryanair were doing cheap flights. I tell nobody really at short notice and know that I don't have to consult with anyone.

It's just a dynamic I have with family/friends. I don't do it in a rude way but if I'm planning my week I do it my way and if it doesn't work with someone else's plans I just do it my way and agree to meet up next week.

There's also a lot to be said for being able to "yeah" to an invite to the pub at 5.50 pm after work and just go. No need to text and say where you're going and no need to plan on being home at any time. I could go home at 6pm or 3am steaming drunk and fall into bed.

Nightclubs for me would only offer the potential for (mediocre) sex. This is a proposition I would love to take up if only my disdain for nightclubs didn't more than cancel out my desire for women physically. So I go without both.

I agree that nightclubs in general wouldn't be a great place to search for girlfriends.

My own situation would be that I enjoy being single but wonder if I'm missing out.

If I could sum it up I'd say that I miss intimacy, deep connection and being in love. But I hate having to deal with the other aspects of relationships which get in the way of my desire to do my own thing. I call these "ceremonial duties". My idea of a living hell is attending one of her family events like a christening where I'm in official boyfriend mode or having to endure weekends spend with her friends who I've to pretend to like.

I also regularly listen to friends or colleagues after 2/3 pints vent about their girlfriend/fiancee/wife. The day-today small ball crap they've to put up with gives me Vietnam flashbacks. Even little things like texting to know when I'll be home, home decor choices like useless candles, cushions etc... or petty arguments over unimportant things would drive me 'round the bed. I quickly remember why I love being totally alone.

But then the old winter nights come around and I get to thinking that I'd love to have a smart, nice, beautiful girl to relax with and I genuinely consider whether this is an option for me.

You sound similar to myself in many ways, I can also see friends and family in controlling relationships and there's no way I'd put myself in that position. To me this is the easy road, get to a certain age and settle for whatever's close-by. I need to be able to just grab some things and split sometimes, I don't have obligations to go to this or that party or on some stupid wedding. I'm like my father in that regard, I can't just make nice like a lot of guys have to do, I'm kind of raw, I'm not deliberately rude I just don't go in for a lot of the fake niceness and keeping up appearances that happens in Irish society.

I'm not a complete misanthrope but I'm very wary about who I let get close to me. I know I'm probably going to take some flak for saying this but the controlling is usually from the female side, these females don't even like me speaking to their partners, I think they don't like me because I'm not the type that can be told what to do. To a control freak like that an independent single male who knows their own mind raises alarm bells.

I know guys who have almost every part of their non-working life monitored and controlled by both their partner and probably even their mother and mother in laws. Maybe this is something that they actually want!, it seems like weakness to me tbh. I'm not damning all women, I know that there are good ones out there but from what I can see at least in this country they seem to be in the minority.

fits · 22-12-2015 10:19AM

"There's also a lot to be said for being able to "yeah" to an invite to the pub at 5.50 pm after work and just go. No need to text and say where you're going and no need to plan on being home at any time. I could go home at 6pm or 3am steaming drunk and fall into bed."

I decided to go to dublin on saturday afternoon. I didnt contact my husband then until sunday lunchtime. Indeed i already spend weeks away from home at a time and we certainly dont track each others movements.

I do wonder if some in this thread are trying to justify their solitary existence and reinforcing it with bad things they hear about. Its very human too. But for goodness sakes dont be blaming the horrible irish women for the worlds ills.

( oh and btw i never met anyone in a nightclub or pub)

Fukuyama · 22-12-2015 10:25AM

Seanachai wrote: »

You sound similar to myself in many ways, I can also see friends and family in controlling relationships and there's no way I'd put myself in that position. To me this is the easy road, get to a certain age and settle for whatever's close-by. I need to be able to just grab some things and split sometimes, I don't have obligations to go to this or that party or on some stupid wedding. I'm like my father in that regard, I can't just make nice like a lot of guys have to do, I'm kind of raw, I'm not deliberately rude I just don't go in for a lot of the fake niceness and keeping up appearances that happens in Irish society.

I'm not a complete misanthrope but I'm very wary about who I let get close to me. I know I'm probably going to take some flak for saying this but the controlling is usually from the female side, these females don't even like me speaking to their partners, I think they don't like me because I'm not the type that can be told what to do. To a control freak like that an independent single male who knows their own mind raises alarm bells.

I know guys who have almost every part of their non-working life monitored and controlled by both their partner and probably even their mother and mother in laws. Maybe this is something that they actually want!, it seems like weakness to me tbh. I'm not damning all women, I know that there are good ones out there but from what I can see at least in this country they seem to be in the minority.

Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. It's quite hard to discuss without opening up the possibility of being labeled a misogynist. But I do think it's quite common in Irish marragies and relationships.

I have friends in relationships that are not abusive or controlling in the traditional sense (violence, extreme verbal abuse etc...). However, after a few years of herself rolling the eyes, complaining, giving out and so on, they're worn down. Several have told me in a casual way that they just go along with it at this stage "for a quiet life" etc...

Others are cajoled and pressured into being the best boyfriend in the world. Having to attend her family events and be Mr. Perfect in front of her friends.

Now to me, I'd be bailing out of there ASAP. I have one mother and I don't need another.

If I'm ever reduced to a sit-com husband of working all day and then having to put up with a mother-in-law, inane suburban lifestyle and being chastised like a child I think I'll take a long walk off a short pier.

Overall though I would like to get back into relationships as I miss it sometimes. But I literally have none of the drive my peers seem to have in spades.

ancapailldorcha · 22-12-2015 10:26AM

Dial Hard wrote: »

Being single rocks, if that's your bag. But there seems to be an awful lot of resignation to being single because "What else *is* there?" on this thread, and it kind of hurts my heart. Not every potential partner, male or female, is out to get you lads.

Speaking for myself, I don't think anyone is out to get me. I've just adapted to my circumstances as best as I can. I've grown quite used to it since I was at Uni listening to stories of my classmates going at it like rabbits.

Fukuyama wrote: »

My own situation would be that I enjoy being single but wonder if I'm missing out.

If I could sum it up I'd say that I miss intimacy, deep connection and being in love. But I hate having to deal with the other aspects of relationships which get in the way of my desire to do my own thing. I call these "ceremonial duties". My idea of a living hell is attending one of her family events like a christening where I'm in official boyfriend mode or having to endure weekends spend with her friends who I've to pretend to like.

But then the old winter nights come around and I get to thinking that I'd love to have a smart, nice, beautiful girl to relax with and I genuinely consider whether this is an option for me.

I'd echo this.

fits wrote: »

I do wonder if some in this thread are trying to justify their solitary existence and reinforcing it with bad things they hear about. Its very human too. But for goodness sakes dont be blaming the horrible irish women for the worlds ills.

( oh and btw i never met anyone in a nightclub or pub)

I have no intention of blaming anyone else for my woes.

Fukuyama · 22-12-2015 10:38AM

fits wrote: »

I decided to go to dublin on saturday afternoon. I didnt contact my husband then until sunday lunchtime. Indeed i already spend weeks away from home at a time and we certainly dont track each others movements.

I do wonder if some in this thread are trying to justify their solitary existence and reinforcing it with bad things they hear about. Its very human too. But for goodness sakes dont be blaming the horrible irish women for the worlds ills.

( oh and btw i never met anyone in a nightclub or pub)

And that sounds fine I guess. But to me it still sounds like I'd have to consider other people (which obviously I would in a relationship). I'm not talking about being controlled and having to "check in" or anything.

Freedom to me means being able to watch a UFC fight at 5am with no complaints. Being able to go to the pub. Or being able to move to Canada if I want.

It could possibly be explained away as me being young. However I feel like this is deeper than that in me. Like a core part of my personality which would make me incompatible with relationships as I get older, which is concerning.

I probably am trying to justify my solitary life (if it ever becomes an "existence" I'll be checking out :pac: ) however I wouldn't see it as a bad thing. We all have to make decisions at some point like whether to get married or not. I'd at least like to hear about the experiences of others before making that choice instead of jumping in blind.

I'm not blaming Irish women either

. I've found Irish women are the bunch I find the most attractive. However, I think we'd both be kidding ourselves if we said there isn't very often a weird dynamic in Irish relationships were himself eventually winds up fulfilling her every whim for a quiet life and no complaints. I've seen it with my own two eyes and I've friends on both sides of these relationships. Nobody even bats an eyelid at this very common dynamic. Meanwhile I sit there quietly with alarm bells going off in my head. These are both young couples in their 20s and married couples in their 40's/50's by the way.

Just to stress: I'm not blaming or demonizing women here. Just contemplating single life as a possibility. Some reasons are down to me but others are down to seeing relationships in general. Women obviously do factor in there somewhere.

fits · 22-12-2015 10:50AM

Fukuyama wrote: »

And
I'm not blaming Irish women either . I've found Irish women are the bunch I find the most attractive. However, I think we'd both be kidding ourselves if we said there isn't very often a weird dynamic in Irish relationships were himself eventually winds up fulfilling her every whim for a quiet life and no complaints. I've seen it with my own two eyes and I've friends on both sides of these relationships. Nobody even bats an eyelid at this very common dynamic. Meanwhile I sit there quietly with alarm bells going off in my head. These are both young couples in their 20s and married couples in their 40's/50's by the way.

.

Honestly, i cant really relate to that at all. Certainly not in my own family life. I read about it on boards but certainly dont think that dynamic is much more common than others in relationships.
The only relationship i can think of where the woman is anxious and controlling (and he moans about her being so) the guy concerned is a horrible untrustworthy toerag imo.

Fukuyama · 22-12-2015 10:59AM

fits wrote: »

Honestly, i cant really relate to that at all. Certainly not in my own family life. I read about it on boards but certainly dont think that dynamic is much more common than others in relationships.
The only relationship i can think of where the woman is anxious and controlling (and he moans about her being so) the guy concerned is a horrible untrustworthy toerag imo.

Maybe I'm seeing something others don't. I'm not talking about obvious issues like anxiety, controlling, jealousy etc... I think we can all agree they're immediate red flags.

I suppose I look at the larger picture I've come to see over the last few years, being single. I see people getting married, being "fake nice" to relatives, keeping up with the Jones's, three bed semi detached, two cars, mortgage and two weeks holiday wherever she wants every year. To me that would be hell. Lots of blokes (and women too, I'd say) wake up one day during this fairy tale and see that it's all fake. But sure by then you're snookered.

Now on the surface these people seem happy. It's only from seeing snippets of truth emerge from them after a few pints or seeing it myself in action that I've been turned off by it all.

At large events like weddings or in a shopping center of a Saturday, just sit back for a moment and people watch. You can very quickly pick out the lads who are there on "duty" alone and would very obviously rather be anywhere else in the world.

To me it seems like this is where a lot (possibly even the majority) of people wind up.

fits · 22-12-2015 11:25AM

"three bed semi detached, two cars, mortgage and two weeks holiday wherever she wants every year"

Up to recently i would have agreed with you that this was very boring. My opinion is changing, especially as it seems terribly unattainable at the moment. Darn career choices... Actually having a good relationship, nice house, good jobs, couple of kids is far more difficult and more of an achievement than youd think.

bcklschaps · 22-12-2015 11:31AM

Have to agree with "Fukuyama" mostly anyway. Single myself in my early 40's.

Practically all my male friends are married. I notice they giddily look forward to the occasional 'lads night out' and freedon.
I think they enjoy the craic far more than I do .. for me its no biggie, I can go out and get trollied any night of the week .. stay up all night too ..and get as many lap dances as I want etc.

On these nights out, after a couple of scoops are downed, the real truth of wedded bliss comes gushing out.

Money problems, post natal depression, passive aggressive behaviour from spouses, denial of 'matrimonial rights' are all common complaints :-(

I have had more than one male friend tell me up straight ..that if it weren't for the kids, he'd be out the door faster than you can say "Legal Separation"

My female married friends seem to be fairly happy with there lot. (unless they are deliberately hiding the truth from me)

SarahMollie · 22-12-2015 11:34AM

Fukuyama wrote: »

Freedom to me means being able to watch a UFC fight at 5am with no complaints. Being able to go to the pub. Or being able to move to Canada if I want.

TBH - my only difficulty with a BF getting up at 5am to watch UFC would be that I'd be disgusted with his taste, of lack of

. Agreed- moving to Canada out of nowhere would be a bit out of order.

I can't help but think you'll think differently in a few years. I know how patronising that sounds, but let me clarify. I think right now your views seem very black and white. Be alone or be tied down in a relationship you don't want.

You're assuming that most/all relationships are the same. You seem to view them as largely negative, and perhaps this is based on experience. Your view of relationships is that they are confining, and maybe thats true of ppl in their early twenties who are idealistic, and still hold a unaltered world view.

I'm turning 30 next year and can happily say that even the last 5 years have effected me greatly. I'm not a fundamentally different person, but i'm definitely a more easy going, calmer, empathetic person and I'd also like to think that I'm less selfish. Also things that would have upset me in the past are now like water off a ducks back. I no longer sweat the small stuff.

I'm very independent (always have been) so my partner also needs to be and thankfully he is

We complement each other rather than being codependent. I'm not the boss of him, and hes not the boss of me and it works just fine.
We do want to get married, but have decided that children are likely not for us. We also want to stay close to the city instead of chasing the suburban dream. Not every relationship has to conform to the 2.4 children, 3 bed semi-d normality.

SarahMollie · 22-12-2015 11:42AM

bcklschaps wrote: »

Have to agree with "Fukuyama" mostly anyway. Single myself in my early 40's.

Practically all my male friends are married. I notice they giddily look forward to the occasional 'lads night out' and freedon.
I think they enjoy the craic far more than I do .. for me its no biggie, I can go out and get trollied any night of the week .. stay up all night too ..and get as many lap dances as I want etc.

On these nights out, after a couple of scoops are downed, the real truth of wedded bliss comes gushing out.

Money problems, post natal depression, passive aggressive behaviour from spouses, denial of 'matrimonial rights' are all common complaints :-(

I have had more than one male friend tell me up straight ..that if it weren't for the kids, he'd be out the door faster than you can say "Legal Separation"

I feel bad jumping on this but sometimes I think people who use the above to defend being single are a bit in denail. Not all relationships are like this, and even those that have their moments arent bad all of the time.

Just because some relationships will inevitably break down, I don't see that as a good reason not to try and put yourself out there. Better to have loved and lost, no man is an island etc etc.

Also, its a fact of the Human condition (especially the Irish version) is that people love to moan. Some even find it theroputic. I'd wager that this bunch of moaners wouldnt actually swap their lot if push came to shove, they're simply venting.

Also, not all relationships are like this. I dropped my BF to the pub last night and when he came home, he woke me up and we had a great natter before falling asleep. No ball and chain here

bcklschaps · 22-12-2015 11:48AM

SarahMollie wrote: »

I feel bad jumping on this but sometimes I think people who use the above to defend being single are a bit in denail. Not all relationships are like this, and even those that have their moments arent bad all of the time.

Just because some relationships will inevitably break down, I don't see that as a good reason not to try and put yourself out there. Better to have loved and lost, no man is an island etc etc.

Also, its a fact of the Human condition (especially the Irish version) is that people love to moan. Some even find it theroputic. I'd wager that this bunch of moaners wouldnt actually swap their lot if push came to shove, they're simply venting.

Also, not all relationships are like this. I dropped my BF to the pub last night and when he came home, he woke me up and we had a great natter before falling asleep. No ball and chain here

Fair points... but I was in the middle of updating my previous post.

My Female friends all seem pretty happy with their lot. Unless they are deliberately hiding the truth.

They used to say that Married Men lived longer and were happier than their single brothers ..and the opposite was true of married women ie. Single women lived longer etc.

I wonder has this changed in the recent past ? I suggest that societal changes are forcing men into compromising a lot more For example: I know very few relationships where the Woman isn't the boss .. I think that little observation alone probably explains the views of many of the posters on here.

SarahMollie · 22-12-2015 11:53AM

bcklschaps wrote: »

Fair points... but I was in the middle of updating my previous post.

My Female friends all seem pretty happy with their lot. Unless they are deliberately hiding the truth.

They used to say that Married Men lived longer and were happier than their single brothers ..and the opposite was true of married women ie. Single women lived longer etc.

I wonder has this changed in the recent past ?

Still true as far as I know. I think its a lot to do with single men being prone to isolation and not looking after themselves, or going to a doctor when needed. Although maybe the modern more domesticated man will reverse this statistic in 50 years.

Woman who are married (most likely have kids) end up taking on alot and often also don't look after themselves albeit for a different set of reasons, typically being too busy looking after all others around them and being last on the list themselves.

Both based on very traditional gender roles, will be interesting to see how this changes over time.

Peist2007 · 22-12-2015 11:57AM

Fukuyama wrote: »

Maybe I'm seeing something others don't. I'm not talking about obvious issues like anxiety, controlling, jealousy etc... I think we can all agree they're immediate red flags.

I suppose I look at the larger picture I've come to see over the last few years, being single. I see people getting married, being "fake nice" to relatives, keeping up with the Jones's, three bed semi detached, two cars, mortgage and two weeks holiday wherever she wants every year. To me that would be hell. Lots of blokes (and women too, I'd say) wake up one day during this fairy tale and see that it's all fake. But sure by then you're snookered.

Now on the surface these people seem happy. It's only from seeing snippets of truth emerge from them after a few pints or seeing it myself in action that I've been turned off by it all.

At large events like weddings or in a shopping center of a Saturday, just sit back for a moment and people watch. You can very quickly pick out the lads who are there on "duty" alone and would very obviously rather be anywhere else in the world.

To me it seems like this is where a lot (possibly even the majority) of people wind up.

Came in here because this thread is on the trending list. Mate, you are 100% correct and i see all of the things you see in spades. Any of my mates married or in long term relationships are completely dominated by their partners. It looks like hell but there is a "well sure this is the way it has to be" to it all whenever i tell one of them to do something crazy and insist on doing something HE would like to do.

No coincidence either that it is women coming onto the thread and "not understanding" what you are saying. But all of the men reading here, those in relationships and those not in relationships, all understand what is being said.

lazybones32 · 22-12-2015 12:03PM

bcklschaps wrote: »

On these nights out, after a couple of scoops are downed, the real truth of wedded bliss comes gushing out.

Money problems, post natal depression, passive aggressive behaviour from spouses, denial of 'matrimonial rights' are all common complaints :-(

I've heard quite a bit of this too. Marriage definitely aint easy and takes a lot of work for it to even come close to being successful and happy.
I've had married friends tell me that there's a lot to be said for remaining single and one particular friend who said that he madly loved his girlfriend but when she became his wife, she changed.

Fukuyama wrote: »

I feel like I'm possibly missing out on a core part of my 20's and might regret not doing this.

In general I am happy though. From time to time I just wonder if I'm the type of person who's better off alone.

You won't regret not doing something you don't want to do. If you do change your mind later in life, there will still be an army of younger women who will have sex with you. If the casual sex thing doesn't appeal to you, don't force yourself to do it.

You can be as happy and contented as humanly possible either married or single: the state you choose doesn't determine your happiness.
Marriage has a lot of responsibilities, work, and stresses but it has its benefits and rewards too; the same applies to remaining single. There'll be different responsibilities, problems, rewards etc; but each has it's own sacrifices and rewards and neither will make you happy just by choosing to get married or stay single.

SarahMollie · 22-12-2015 12:03PM

Peist2007 wrote: »

Came in here because this thread is on the trending list. Mate, you are 100% correct and i see all of the things you see in spades. Any of my mates married or in long term relationships are completely dominated by their partners. It looks like hell but there is a "well sure this is the way it has to be" to it all whenever i tell one of them to do something crazy and insist on doing something HE would like to do.

No coincidence either that it is women coming onto the thread and "not understanding" what you are saying. But all of the men reading here, those in relationships and those not in relationships, all understand what is being said.

Whats your status Piest?

I don't see whats so wrong with pointing out that not all relationships conform to one single stereotype of poor henpecked man with nagging woman. Stereotypes are just a lazy way out.

All relationships (not just romantic ones) have ups and downs. Sometimes people vent about said ups and downs.

Using the above narrative to say that people should stay single is possibly doing men a disservice further down the line.

Peist2007 · 22-12-2015 12:20PM

SarahMollie wrote: »

Whats your status Piest?

I don't see whats so wrong with pointing out that not all relationships conform to one single stereotype of poor henpecked man with nagging woman. Stereotypes are just a lazy way out.

All relationships (not just romantic ones) have ups and downs. Sometimes people vent about said ups and downs.

Using the above narrative to say that people should stay single is possibly doing men a disservice further down the line.

My status is single. What's yours? Do you think your status is informing your position on this thread? Seems to be what you are saying i am doing.

I have spent almost my entire life on football teams, soccer teams, playing golf etc so have spent a lot of time with all sorts of lads listening to their stories. What i have alluded to in my previous post, and what is being discussed on this thread, is completely commonplace. Jumping through hoops 24/7.

Unlike some others on the thread, i have not been nor am not an eternal singleton. Have been in plenty of relationships although less so as i get older despite the fact that, at 33, i am in much more demand now than i was at 23. I just specifically know what i dont want at this stage. And looking at my mates being rushed all over the place (this week is a very potent example of the sh1te that has to be waded through) is something i really do not want.

Awaits pop psychology theory.....:)

Edit: and i never said that men should stay single. I said i agreed with Fukuyama. Your inference that this is a thread of angry women-hating men is tiresome and symptomatic of the problem.

kunst nugget · 22-12-2015 12:25PM

lazybones32 wrote: »

Marriage definitely aint easy and takes a lot of work for it to even come close to being successful and happy.

This is it 100%. Marriages aren't a case of sitting back and taking it handy. You both continue to grow and change as individuals and you need to understand this. Above all things, communication is key. A lot of married people just stop communicating who they are to each and end up being ships that pass in the night to each other not knowing who the other person is. And you're going to fight. That's a given. And you're going to have to compromise. Both of you. I've been with my partner for 17 years, married for 12 and we've gone through fantastic highs and lows but I'm honestly happier now than I've ever been with her and the family that we have together but it's taken a lot of work to get to where we are and not taking the other for granted.

fits · 22-12-2015 12:41PM

And bitchin on at the lads about the wife or husband certainly isnt going to help matters. Seriously, why do people do that!!! ( personal conversations aside obviously)

ancapailldorcha · 22-12-2015 12:53PM

I found out one of my closest friends in Ireland has been living with his partner for over a year now. Seems to be working well for them. They both have full time jobs and he doesn't seem "whipped" at all. He was able to come away with us for a 2 week holiday last Spring and go to see the Conor McGregor fight, such as it was in Las Vegas. It can work but I'm just used to being single and making the best of it.

Tigger99 · 22-12-2015 12:58PM

Peist2007 wrote: »

What i have alluded to in my previous post, and what is being discussed on this thread, is completely commonplace. Jumping through hoops 24/7.

I don't see that in my own life, but I can only take you (and the other guys that have posted on this) at your word that it does happen. I wonder why is that the case?

Peist2007 wrote: »

Your inference that this is a thread of angry women-hating men is tiresome and symptomatic of the problem.

I think the thread is hugely informative. Slightly negative, but informative. It would be a pity if you couldn't discuss it without being accused of the above.

SarahMollie · 22-12-2015 01:26PM

Peist2007 wrote: »

Edit: and i never said that men should stay single. I said i agreed with Fukuyama. Your inference that this is a thread of angry women-hating men is tiresome and symptomatic of the problem.

So, you're saying that the majority of men you know who are in relationships are dominated by the women in their lives, but you don't think this is an anti-female statement? Right....

Also, your inference that I said all the men on this thread are women hating is completely inaccurate. I simply pulled you up on your use of generalizations and you clearly didn't like it.

Overall, this thread is interesting, and maybe a little bit sad (in the true meaning of the word). I believe that some people are meant for a solitary lifestyle but others simply haven't found their match/find modern dating not for them and are clearly a bit lonely. Its human to defend whatever position you find yourself in, so I can understand some of the commentary.

As I've mentioned in previous posts in this thread, I live with my boyfriend, no kids and to be best of my knowledge we're happy out. I do believe everyones personal circumstances influence their position on this subject.

Single life as a guy...

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