Wanker watch: Warning signs that someone is a tosser

People who see someone looking sad or distressed and say, "cheer up, it might never happen".

mfceiling wrote: »

Management talk...

"Guys we need to be thinking outside the box on this one"

"Guys are we all singing off the same hymn sheet here"

"Guys we can run through our options and touch base on this later"

Wife's boss is a classic David Brent type and has a cliché for everything. Yesterday he was giving a presentation and came out with this classic...

"Just be careful out there guys, we don't want to throw the baby in to the fire when we are throwing out the bath water"

Tosser...

Love this mate, my thoughts exactly. Can't tell you the amount of managers I've come across who use those lines regularly especially number 1 and 2 you have there! Often spoken in a Triners monotoned accent also!

Species of Tosser: Im-just-back-living-with-the-plebs Tosser

How to recognise them: Slightly tanned. Wear American chain-store clothing store. Have acquired a mid-Atlantic accent even though they only been away for a week.

Example Behaviour

People just back from holiday and let on to be experiencing a faux culture shock
at being back in Ireland,

Most likely to hear them say:

For example, to supermarket cashier "oh, sorry I think I've given you some American coins there...just back from California you see" the last bit being directed at the rest of the queue.

Other people in queue most likely to be thinking

what a tosser...

Kev W wrote: »

People who see someone looking sad or distressed and say, "cheer up, it might never happen".

"You should smile more"

Eugene Norman wrote: »

That's ok. That's what hashtags are for. It's basic metadata. The people who don't get it are not **** per say, but worth a laugh.

If Chloe is having a birthday and you (Tristram) are taking her out the searchable hashtags are #birthday #bday, not #chloeandtristramsbirthdaydayout.

Who gives a flying fcuk if it's chloe's birthday and who is searching for it.
Every cnut nowadays who has a facebook/instagram page thinks they are a celebrity.
You're not....you're a tosser.

Herb Powell wrote: »

"Raising awareness".

It probably used to mean that you cared about a cause, now it just means you're a stupid cunnt.

"Raising awareness of myself" is what it usually amounts to these days.

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

People who say they are "passionate" about things eg food

W@nkers

This * 1000.
In the programming industry you get people who say they are "passionate" about coding.
These people are always and without fail W@nkers.

I'm still trying to understand why people choose to wear those horrendous new workout clothes in the gym.

You know the kind - bright orange tank tops with caps on backwards with matching bright orange running shoes... I'm still not sure whether they're there to work out or direct traffic/planes.

Gob****es who tap, usually several times, their cigarettes on the cigarette packet, prior to lighting the fecking things. It's a pointless and ridiculous affectation. And then they sometimes put the cigarette between their actual teeth. Cos this is in some way cool.... Behave

Ninap wrote: »

Gob****es who tap, usually several times, their cigarettes on the cigarette packet, prior to lighting the fecking things. It's a pointless and ridiculous affectation. And then they sometimes put the cigarette between their actual teeth. Cos this is in some way cool.... Behave

They probably saw it off some Humphrey Bogart movie from the 40s.

People who say "I jus sey it how I sees it hun" are mogs of the highest order. Probably post minion memes too.

Those massive golf umbrellas In bad weather, 9 times out of 10 there's a bell end underneath it

Pinch Flat wrote: »

Those massive golf umbrellas In bad weather, 9 times out of 10 there's a bell end underneath it

They're dangerous out on the streets. Although I'm usually jealous of the dry person underneath them.