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If you found out your partner was a sex worker

1356

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  • #62
    ArtyM
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,880 ✭✭✭ArtyM


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I'd be more concerned about the long term mental health aspect of being an ex whore. No one needs that level of crazy. If that's judgemental of me then so be it, colour me judgemental. And before the knickers start to bunch that goes for both sexes. An ex rent boy is more likely to not be a shining example of unblemished sanity either. Life is hard enough without inviting extra crazy into your life.

    I think you are generalising here that everyone that goes through a bad/traumatic experience comes out the far side worse for it.
    Whereas that may well be the norm, there are exceptions where people are stronger and better for having survived or endured a suffering.
    You may, of course, be right.
    I have always been drawn to the damaged and flawed, something I only realised with the help of Mr hindsight.


  • #63
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,439 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Gongoozler wrote: »
    Wow, wibbs I expected something better from you tbh.


    When you say 'better', genuinely, how do you mean?

    I think even though it hits a sore spot, I can appreciate Wibbs honesty and I appreciate where he's coming from. His opinion is spot on in my experience (and that's why it hits a sore spot, the truth is often uncomfortable!), so I'm not sure he could really have posted anything better than complete (albeit blunt as a butterknife :D) honesty.


  • #64
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,386 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Gongoozler wrote:
    Wow, wibbs I expected something better from you tbh.
    *checks multiverse meter to make sure I'm in the right one*. Really G? Up to now you reckoned I'd be cool and the gang with going out with a prostitute? Ehh. Look G, I'm pretty easygoing, if anything to a bloody fault and work on the principle of if it floats your boat and doesn't tick off me ;-) others then play ball, but I'd personally draw the line at going out with whores. As I said, colour me mad if you will.There are billions of women, balanced and cool human beings, so why in god's name would someone go "ok I think a "sex worker" is a good bet?".

    Now if that is OK with you/others, then fine, but for me? Nope I'll take a pass on saving a hooker.
    ArtyM wrote: »
    I have always been drawn to the damaged and flawed, something I only realised with the help of Mr hindsight.
    Oh man, I have been there and have the stained tee shirt Arty. :) I realised that this was a failing in me. Some fcuked up ego fest of being the rescuer and oh boy there are enough out there waiting to be rescued(while dragging you down with them). Fcuk that noise. These days? Nope. With a large backorder of Nope. The damaged, the neurotic, the "issues" mongers, the ones with the never happy gene, I need them like a hole in the head. Life is too damn short. Oh sure, as you say there are exceptions and fair play to them and fair play if you meet one, but they are the exceptions and someone that reckoned munching male members for money, or indeed chewing carpet for cash, was a good bet is nine times outa ten a broken toy.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #65
    Gongoozler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,263 ✭✭✭Gongoozler


    I mean better as in open minded. I consider people without an open mind about things to contribute nothing to the world.


  • #66
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Penny Tration wrote: »
    Well done for putting words in my mouth.

    I expect anyone I enter a relationship with to prove they're disease free. I get STI tested after any relationship ends and would do it again when one starts, if asked.

    Just to say, this attitude all day long.

    Thumbs up from me.


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  • #67
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Wibbs wrote: »

    Now if that is OK with you/others, then fine, but for me? Nope I'll take a pass on saving a hooker.

    I'll take a pass too for a multitude of reasons, but I don't see the value in calling people whores or 'mongers'.

    Sex workers are human beings, and while I wouldn't have a relationship with one, I'll still treat and refer to them with the same respect I would anyone else.


  • #68
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,439 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    Gongoozler wrote: »
    I mean better as in open minded. I consider people without an open mind about things to contribute nothing to the world.


    Ok, but there's a difference between being open minded, and being too open minded to the point where you ignore all else. I think Wibbs opinion would be along the lines of being open minded while yet maintaining a sense of perspective. A relationship with a person who used to be a sex worker would be a deal breaker for most people, precisely for the reasons Wibbs outlined. It doesn't mean they're not open minded.


    I couldn't ignore the irony bypass in your post there btw ;)


  • #69
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    One eyed Jack wrote: »
    Ok, but there's a difference between being open minded, and being too open minded to the point where you ignore all else. I think Wibbs opinion would be along the lines of being open minded while yet maintaining a sense of perspective. A relationship with a person who used to be a sex worker would be a deal breaker for most people, precisely for the reasons Wibbs outlined. It doesn't mean they're not open minded.

    You can't maintain a sense of perspective when you judge an entire group of people as having issues. Me, I don't want drama as much as the next person but I'd always give someone the benefit of the doubt and not write them off based on a former job.


  • #70
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,386 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Gongoozler wrote: »
    I mean better as in open minded. I consider people without an open mind about things to contribute nothing to the world.
    So let me get this straight in my head G… Just because you think my preference for not being all cool, shure t'is normal as far as going out with prostitutes, ex or otherwise is an example of a closed mind? An open mind is a wonderful thing, but when it gets to the stage of full on moral equivalency to the detriment of good sense, for me at least, that's a mind so open the brains have fallen out.

    And I feel I contribute to the world. Now it is as a miner and purveyor of bullshít, but it is fairly high quality bullshít and quality is more and more hard to come by these days, even, if not especially in bullshít. When a massived arsed American lass, who "leaked" her own porn tape has a da who becomes a ma who ends up in Vanity Fair as a latter day Saint Sebastian, then you can see I'm wallowing in a highly competitive bullshít field.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #71
    Gongoozler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,263 ✭✭✭Gongoozler


    People have sex all the time. Literally. People do jobs like typing, painting, sales, wood work, and having sex. A service for pay. You're selling yourself in every job you do. Someone who chooses to type for a living should not be logically any different to a person who has chosen to have sex for a living.

    If your partner doesn't have an STI and isn't going to go around fcuking anyone whenever, then why on earth would it make any difference to you.


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  • #72
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,439 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    eviltwin wrote: »
    You can't maintain a sense of perspective when you judge an entire group of people as having issues. Me, I don't want drama as much as the next person but I'd always give someone the benefit of the doubt and not write them off based on a former job.


    You can predict it with a fairly high degree of accuracy all the same, and decide on that basis that it just isn't worth your while entertaining the idea of a relationship with that person. It's more about protecting oneself than being afraid to reject someone on the basis of a deal breaker for fear of not being considered "open minded".

    I think I'd sooner protect myself and be called closed minded, than open myself to a whole world of hurt for the sake of being called "open minded".


  • #73
    Azalea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,796 ✭✭✭Azalea


    Wibbs wrote: »
    So let me get this straight in my head G… Just because you think my preference for not being all cool, shure t'is normal as far as going out with prostitutes, ex or otherwise is an example of a closed mind?
    I -think- (could be wrong) they mean the way you equate former prostitute with a whole load of crazy. In my opinion that's a bit harsh - wouldn't take issue with your preference not to be with someone who used to sell sex for a living, but not sure it's fair to deem them as having mental deficiencies.


  • #74
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,386 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Candie wrote: »
    Sex workers are human beings, and while I wouldn't have a relationship with one, I'll still treat and refer to them with the same respect I would anyone else.
    As would I C. I really would. And in the Real World(™) I have found I'd be more accepting than most. This, nor anything else I type up here is not some interwebs persona that falls flat in the face of reality. If for nothing else in the cause of good manners, I would treat everyone I encounter with respect, so long as they don't take the piss of course. But, as the title of this thread is "if you found your partner was a sex worker", then Nope, followed by a slow boat Chinese transporter vessel carrying many tons of high grade Nope I ordered earlier.
    Gongoozler wrote:
    People have sex all the time. Literally.
    You don't say. I'll draw a veil over your use of "literally".
    People do jobs like typing, painting, sales, wood work, and having sex. A service for pay. You're selling yourself in every job you do. Someone who chooses to type for a living should not be logically any different to a person who has chosen to have sex for a living.
    Eh WT everliving F? Well maybe for you sex is like "painting" or " typing" or "woodwork"(da fuq? Though if you're American…), but considering that sexual intimacy for most normal people is bound up in connection, intimacy, reproduction and fun, I really dunno how you can equate that with typing and sales FFS. And for money? WTF overload here TBH. If the day ever comes for me when sex is like typing a letter for cash I'll happily take a scissors to my manhood. Christ almighty with Spaghetti Monster topping.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #75
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,386 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Azalea wrote: »
    I -think- (could be wrong) they mean the way you equate former prostitute with a whole load of crazy. In my opinion that's a bit harsh - wouldn't take issue with your preference not to be with someone who used to sell sex for a living, but not sure it's fair to deem them as having mental deficiencies.
    Sure Az, but the likelihood is beyond doubt higher that "crazy" is going to come along for the ride. Yes, there will be exceptions and my hat is truly off to those folks who buck the trend and rise above the crazy, but… Put it another way; if you went on holliers to a country and locals told you that 8 outa 10 snakes in the country were deadly poisonous, would you be looking to stroke the 2 species that weren't? Like hell you would and for good reason, you'd view all snakes you saw as potentially deadly and would avoid snakes in general.

    Many worry about Artificial Intelligence. I worry far more about Organic Idiocy.



  • #76
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    One eyed Jack wrote: »
    You can predict it with a fairly high degree of accuracy all the same, and decide on that basis that it just isn't worth your while entertaining the idea of a relationship with that person. It's more about protecting oneself than being afraid to reject someone on the basis of a deal breaker for fear of not being considered "open minded".

    I think I'd sooner protect myself and be called closed minded, than open myself to a whole world of hurt for the sake of being called "open minded".

    No you can't, we just like to think we can. People who have worked as escorts etc are unlikely to talk about it so we can't say with certainty that those who have done it are going to be emotional messes. I've a friend who worked as a prostitute, she's happily married to a man who knows her past and now works in the media. She's completely together and 'normal'. I know a lot of people who would feel the way you do and I laugh at how often they are around a former prostitute and they dont even know it. Sex work can be damaging but then so can a lot of things if you don't protect yourself or get out when you've reached your limit. There's a lot of jobs like that though. The important bit is knowing when you've reached the point you need to get out.


  • #77
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Gongoozler wrote: »
    Someone who chooses to type for a living should not be logically any different to a person who has chosen to have sex for a living.

    The most intimate thing you can do with another person is not type them a letter.


  • #78
    eviltwin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Sometimes we just have sex because we're horny and we want to have sex and someone is conveniently there. No intimacy involved. Sex for the sake of sex is a lot different to the sex you have with someone you're emotionally invested in


  • #79
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Sometimes we just have sex because we're horny and we want to have sex and someone is conveniently there. No intimacy involved. Sex for the sake of sex is a lot different to the sex you have with someone you're emotionally invested in

    There are as many ways of feeling about it as there are people, there's just no sense in saying it 'should' be the same as typing a letter. Some things don't have any 'should' attached.


  • #80
    endacl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,443 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Lights On wrote: »
    Does it make any difference if you found out they have slept with 20 odd people for free?

    Or 20 normal people?


  • #81
    B.A._Baracus
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,309 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    Harry Palmr wrote: »
    Prostitute you mean? ;)

    Good point.
    Whats the deal with changing words or terminology anyways? A Prostitute is a Prostitute. Why rename someone a 'Sex Worker' - Is it because prostitute comes with a stigma?

    Well if someone is willing to accept payment for sex theres always going to be a stigma! :pac:


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  • #82
    One eyed Jack
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,439 ✭✭✭✭One eyed Jack


    eviltwin wrote: »
    No you can't, we just like to think we can.


    There's mountains of evidence to say we'd be thinking right, that trumps your one friend.


    People who have worked as escorts etc are unlikely to talk about it so we can't say with certainty that those who have done it are going to be emotional messes.


    The point of the thread is premised on the fact that your partner or prospective has admitted that they are a former sex worker. You don't have to guess at that much. We can easily say with a great degree of certainty that those who have done it are going to be emotional messes. You'd be ignoring mountains of evidence to try and suggest otherwise.

    I've a friend who worked as a prostitute, she's happily married to a man who knows her past and now works in the media. She's completely together and 'normal'.


    Of course she is, she's happily married to a man who knows her past and now she has a respectable occupation that is nothing like her former occupation, and her current social status is not viewed by society as being anything like her former social status. Why wouldn't she be happy?

    One happy former sex worker does not trump the hundreds of former sex workers with crippling mental health issues that there aren't that many people would want to deal with, let alone get into a relationship with that person. Some people's deal breakers include farting during sex, some people's deal breakers include people with a higher risk of mental health issues.

    Personally, I wouldn't judge either person for their standards, we all have our deal breakers.

    I know a lot of people who would feel the way you do and I laugh at how often they are around a former prostitute and they dont even know it.


    Unless I were planning on getting into a relationship with that person, by all means knock yourself out, seems a bit cruel otherwise though to laugh at someone who isn't in on the joke.

    Sex work can be damaging but then so can a lot of things if you don't protect yourself or get out when you've reached your limit. There's a lot of jobs like that though. The important bit is knowing when you've reached the point you need to get out.


    Yeah, but we're not talking about a lot of things here, we're specifically talking about your partner, or your potential partner, telling you they are a former sex worker, not a solicitor or an accountant or anything else, a sex worker, and for many people, that is a deal breaker, and that's exactly why as you said way up there - former sex workers don't like to talk about their previous sexual history.


  • #83
    RDM_83 again
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,116 ✭✭✭RDM_83 again


    These type of threads always attract tons of virtue signaling and offence seeking, this one from tGC is a good example of it, at the end of the day we know that a these situations would be much more complex in real life and that when its an issue that is personally impacting a person rather than somebody else there tends to be a big difference in response.


  • #84
    TheLastMohican
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭TheLastMohican


    She'd have served her apprenticeship. Should know all the ropes. Just as if she were an opera singer/gymnast/weather forecast person. Ah, the whore with a heart of gold (but only for me)!


  • #85
    Chris_Bradley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,818 ✭✭✭Chris_Bradley


    Maybe you were blind drunk when you met them first?


  • #86
    Whitewinged
    Closed Accounts Posts: 935 ✭✭✭Whitewinged


    One eyed Jack wrote: »
    The point of the thread is premised on the fact that your partner or prospective has admitted that they are a former sex worker. You don't have to guess at that much. We can easily say with a great degree of certainty that those who have done it are going to be emotional messes. You'd be ignoring mountains of evidence to try and suggest otherwise.
    y.

    All posters are coming from different angles so some of the answers might seem shocking but are not really. Some posters are thinking of a prospective relationship others an existing short term or long term.

    If long term relationship that was healthy and oh came and said "I have a confession I was/visited sex worker in the past. It's not something I'm proud of and had been eating away at me for years" or unhealthy long term relationship involving infidelity, lack of respect or whatever and oh says "oh yea btw I used to be a/visited sex worker years ago and loved it, just thought id let you know that for the sake if it". The reactions are going to be different depending on the circumstances.

    In short term or prospective relationships, if someone disclosed that information early on then you are not yet invested and may feel that it is to much for you to handle and not something you want to get into or some people might give it a chance depending on the persons current view of their own past.


  • #87
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,515 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    Like everything else historical, it would depend on their current attitude to their past.


  • #88
    Pink Fairy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,666 ✭✭✭Pink Fairy


    zeffabelli wrote: »
    Like everything else historical, it would depend on their current attitude to their past.

    What would be the correct attitude do you think?


  • #89
    allibastor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,520 ✭✭✭allibastor


    I knew a chap through work, he was american and his partner had done porn.

    He said it was tough as hell, she had done it while at college.
    Said when he found out he didnt want to really progress the relationship after that, but eventually did for another while, until her co-workers found out about it and they moved due to this.

    I would imagine it is a hard thing to try and get over, and if people find out it must be impossible.


  • #90
    Whitewinged
    Closed Accounts Posts: 935 ✭✭✭Whitewinged


    Hammer89 wrote: »
    There is a perception that people who pay for sexual services are the lowest of the low. Are they? Not in my view. I'm bias because I have paid for said services, and you know what, I don't give much of a sh*t. I'm not a bad person because of it. We have this idea that sex workers are being pimped out against their will by men who wear fish-tank pumps and walk around with canes. I'm sure millions of women are in these positions, but I wouldn't pay one of these because it's wrong. There are, however, independent sex workers, who do it because they want to; not because they need to, and that's fair game in my opinion. It's like buying a packet of Rancheros. It's like any other business transaction.

    No it's more like paying someone to eat a bag of rancheros with you. Only half of the packet of crisps are mouldy. The person who has to eat the mouldy rancheros (engage in sex with someone they are not attracted to) is the one who gets paid. The person who eats the fresh rancheros is the customer (punter who pays for sex with someone they are attracted to).

    The person who eats the mouldy rancheros must also pretend to enjoy them even though they are repulsed by eating them. They receive their pay for it but it leaves a sick feeling in their stomach. Eating too many mouldy rancheros has a very negative effect on their body.

    Many sex workers are going to have to engage in sex with people that they are physically repulsed by. They go against what their own body and emotions are telling them in order to get paid. That's why IMO I do not believe most sex workers who claim to like their job. If they do exist then they are very rare IMO.


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  • #91
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Whitewinged wrote: »
    No it's more like paying someone to eat a bag of rancheros with you. Only half of the packet of crisps are mouldy. The person who has to eat the mouldy rancheros (engage in sex with someone they are not attracted to) is the one who gets paid. The person who eats the fresh rancheros is the customer (punter who pays for sex with someone they are attracted to).

    The person who eats the mouldy rancheros must also pretend to enjoy them even though they are repulsed by eating them. They receive their pay for it but it leaves a sick feeling in their stomach. Eating too many mouldy rancheros has a very negative effect on their body.

    Many sex workers are going to have to engage in sex with people that they are physically repulsed by. They go against what their own body and emotions are telling them in order to get paid. That's why IMO I do not believe most sex workers who claim to like their job. If they do exist then they are very rare IMO.


    One I know genuinely does enjoy it. She's been doing it for 30-odd years now and says she won't stop until she's physically unable. She likes sex, she doesn't care where it comes from (no pun intended!) or what the person looks like. If someone is say, not good with hygiene or smells or whatever, she either insists they shower first, or doesn't go ahead with it. She won't sleep with anyone under 27, because they're too young in her opinion.

    To talk about repulse and not wanting it is a little insulting to sex workers. I don't know any with normal ideas about relationships, but I also don't know any who aren't happy with their job.


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