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An emotional affair...

  • 04-06-2015 08:02PM
    #1
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭


    Not as one may think, an affair that was quite emotional, but an affair of the emotions, rather than the Jenny Thalia.

    Hi. This is a phrase that I've only become aware of, say in the last three years or so. Never would have heard it before then, never knew it was a thing. Maybe it's been around for years and it just didn't have a name? Maybe people using the phrase only just registered with me around then. Who's to know? Not me anyways.

    The concept fascinates me. For a simple and handsome man like myself, an affair was always when you rode someone else, or maybe just kissed them and felt them up a bit on the street outside a nightclub. That kind of thing. Violated the mono part of monogamy. Had some part of you on some part of someone else other than your partner in some sort of sexual context basically.

    From what I can gather, 'an emotional affair', is when you have somehow cheated on your spouse/significant other/bf/gf/whatever/etc, but not had any physically intimate/sexual contact with them.

    I'm not sure I get it (a not unknown occurrence for me, I frequently don't get things). So I was wondering if people could maybe explain it to the rest of the class? Imagine you're talking to a very small child that has difficulty getting things.

    Have you ever had an emotional affair? What did that entail?

    Has someone you were with ever had an emotional affair? What are the details there, how did that work?

    Is it somehow different than forging a new close friendship with a member of the opposite sex (or the same if you're a yes voter)? How so?

    What are the parameters?

    With a basic package affair it seems a lot more straightforward. You got your sexual kicks (for some value of that) with someone that wasn't the person you are in a relationship with.

    For an emotional affair..? What has to occur? What's the jig?


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Comments

  • #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 14,242 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Someone's been watching Loose Women...

    From what I can gather, the 'emotional affair' is a sham invented by middle-aged women as a weapon to inflict moral blame on their partners for having friends outside the home, long after those men have lost interest in their spouses, and perhaps for good reason.

    I'm sure it works the other way too, with men blaming their partners for having a life outside a troubled relationship.

    Modern narcissism amazes me: society is brimming with self-obsession, but never to the point of self-examination, let alone self-criticism.

    Blame a syndrome, blame a disease, blame someone. And if you can't blame someone who's had the decency to keep it in his underpants, blame him for thinking about it, blame him for being friends for anyone who isn't you.

    Blame blame blame. Is nobody an existentialist these days?


  • #3
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »
    Is nobody an existentialist these days?
    Oh me - I'm way existentialamist.


  • #4
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    If you have a partner but fall in love with someone else and become intimate friends, share confidences, become very close and have an intense attraction, even if not acted upon. Intimacy without the athletics I suppose. It would hurt pretty bad if I had a partner who was emotionally interlocked with someone else, even if the rest of them wasn't interlocking.


  • #5
    Addle
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,817 ✭✭✭Addle


    An emotional affair = an inappropriate relationship = disrespectful to your spouse/partner.


  • #6
    Links234
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,944 ✭✭✭✭Links234


    Huh, never heard of this before, I guess you learn something new every day.


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  • #7
    ThinkProgress
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,634 ✭✭✭ThinkProgress


    Something created by women who read too many romance novels!?

    I guess it could happen in the internet age, with chat rooms etc.

    Two people get chatting online and find they have a connection of sorts. Like that movie with tom what's his face and meg what's her name?

    That would be my interpretation of said "emotional Affair". :)


  • #8
    Samaris
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,544 ✭✭✭Samaris


    ...It sounds like a load of rubbish to me, to be honest.


  • #9
    ThinkProgress
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,634 ✭✭✭ThinkProgress


    Actually, scratch that... just asked someone more clued into that sort of wishy washy hoo haa new-age bs.

    Apparently it's when you MIND-F*CK a person! :p


  • #10
    Jake Rugby Walrus666
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 528 ✭✭✭Jake Rugby Walrus666


    Mrs Sartre got away with murder.


  • #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 22,384 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I suspect it's something that women believe in more than men, possibly because they suspect that a man who is very close to another woman may be interested in more. I think married men who are very good friends with single women are more likely to read possibilities into that relationship than married women who are friends with single men, who are more likely to just see it as a friendship. But that's far from a universal.


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  • #12
    Cold War Kid
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Cold War Kid


    Of course there's a line without physical intimacy being a requirement. Not judging - sh-t happens, but it's not as rubbish as people are saying (it's rubbish all right if it's in reference to just friendship, even close friendship).


  • #13
    AngryHippie
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,625 ✭✭✭AngryHippie




  • #14
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    AngryHippie wrote: »

    "An error occurred. Please try again later. Learn more."

    I feel like I should be spray painting that on a government building for some reason.


  • #15
    PARlance
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,088 ✭✭✭✭PARlance


    Worth noting that it's ok to have an emotional affair with someone less attractive than your wife.


  • #16
    my teapot is orange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 313 ✭✭my teapot is orange


    I'd say there's a lot of it if my understanding of it is correct. Basically a person liking someone else better than their partner and being closer to them, but probably guilt free because there is no physical intimacy which is what we are taught culturally is cheating. It would be very hard to argue with "I'm allowed to have friends". But it would be weird.


  • #17
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I'd actually say this craic is a lot worse than your OH bumping uglies with someone else.

    Sex can just be sex sometimes. Maybe they're just horny and your relationship is going through a dry spell. Maybe they had a moment of weakness. Maybe they're acting out on some relationship issue that neither of you is willing to address.

    Whereas with the emotions there's going to be an investment, no two ways about it. It's more likely your OH actually doesn't even like you enough to bridge the communication channels and make things work, so is turning elsewhere. Someone else is appealing to their feelz and you are off their radar. They've cut you off. And what's more, they can protest til the cows come home on the technicality that "I'm not doing anything wrong!" "He/she's just a friend!" "Jesus what is wrong with you? Stop being so bloody paranoid."


  • #18
    ceadaoin.
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,715 ✭✭✭ceadaoin.


    It's not just about being friends with someone of the opposite sex. It's when that friendship crosses the line and begins to exclude your partner. Texting or emailing all day, confiding in them and not your partner, hiding how often you are in contact with them. It's often a prelude to an actual physical affair.


  • #19
    qo2cj1dsne8y4k
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,646 ✭✭✭✭qo2cj1dsne8y4k


    this would be 100 times worse than a partner going out getting drunk and riding someone else. I personally wouldn't never forgive someone for emotionally cheating.


  • #20
    The Diabolical Monocle
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,618 ✭✭✭The Diabolical Monocle


    1
    4
    3


    emotional friend.


  • #21
    The Diabolical Monocle
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,618 ✭✭✭The Diabolical Monocle





    here is what our challenged friend was trying to post.


    I quoted him and edited out the bit he was supposed to edit out, leaving in the numbers/letters after the equals sign.

    this is the most proactive/pro-social thing I have ever done.


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  • #22
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Cold War Kid wrote: »
    Of course there's a line without physical intimacy being a requirement. Not judging - sh-t happens, but it's not as rubbish as people are saying (it's rubbish all right if it's in reference to just friendship, even close friendship).

    Where's the line, would you say? Where would one make the differentiation between someone having a close friendship and 'emotionally cheating'?


  • #23
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Candie wrote: »
    If you have a partner but fall in love with someone else and become intimate friends, share confidences, become very close and have an intense attraction, even if not acted upon. Intimacy without the athletics I suppose. It would hurt pretty bad if I had a partner who was emotionally interlocked with someone else, even if the rest of them wasn't interlocking.

    So it's basically if you fall in love with someone else you would say Candie?


  • #24
    Saralee4
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,077 ✭✭✭Saralee4


    I think an emotional affair is similar to an infatuation or a mutual crush.

    The thing with an emotional affair is that it is not real in comparison to an actual serious relationship that you are already in. I have no doubt that people leave their husband/wife after having a emotional affair and I am sure that there are instances where it works out and they live happily ever after but whilst in the midst of an emotional affair, a persons view is going to be thwarted or a bit of a delusion.

    The little things that are bothering you in your actual relationship that have you turning to another person for emotional support are probably not experienced with the person you having the emotional affair with. For example you are not going to be fighting over paying the bills like you probably would in your real relationship. You may feel that they are more attentive because they seem to be there when you need them but you are comparing this to someone who has been with you for a long time, probably live with, see every day and is not going to be running around trying to please you as a new person would, you would not see the nastier sides (which everyone has to a certain extent) to the person for example when they are tired or stressed out so your view of the person you are having the 'affair' with is a bit blurred and there is going to be constant comparing in your mind even if subconscious.

    There is also the fact that you are not consummating the 'affair' which is going to build sexual tension and attraction and make you want the person more which is going to make you think everything they say is the word of god and that you are in love with them.


  • #25
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    strobe wrote: »
    So it's basically if you fall in love with someone else you would say Candie?

    I guess so, but it might have the added complication of a very close friendship as well as mutual attraction and connection.

    I don't think it would hurt as much as a sexual betrayal, but it would certainly hurt a lot.


  • #26
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    How do people discover the extent of these emotional affairs? How would you discover something like that?


  • #27
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 22,384 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    TheBeardedLady wrote: »
    How do people discover the extent of these emotional affairs? How would you discover something like that?

    The same way real affairs are discovered.

    Look through phone.


  • #28
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    Deleted User wrote: »
    The same way real affairs are discovered.

    Look through phone.


    How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.


  • #29
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,219 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    TheBeardedLady wrote: »
    How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

    I suppose by the intimacy of the confidences. If they're talking about you, or sharing other information with them, but not with you, and giving that kind of loving support that would be couched in very tender terms, and seeing each other through rose tinted glasses etc.

    I'm doomed if this happens, I'd never go through anyones phone because I'd hate it to be done to me.


  • #30
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 22,384 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    TheBeardedLady wrote: »
    How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

    Are they distinguishable?

    An emotional affair kinda = a man being very good friends with a woman other than his wife, and confiding in her? Many women might consider this "emotional infidelity". Many men might shrug their shoulders and say there are either affairs, which involve sexual intimacy, or there are not affairs, and not this mumbo jumbo of emotional affairs.


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  • #31
    TheBeardedLady
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,086 ✭✭✭TheBeardedLady


    Deleted User wrote: »
    Are they distinguishable?

    An emotional affair kinda = a man being very good friends with a woman other than his wife, and confiding in her? Many women might consider this "emotional infidelity". Many men might shrug their shoulders and say there are either affairs, which involve sexual intimacy, or there are not affairs, and not this mumbo jumbo of emotional affairs.


    Well what Candie outlines above is crossing the line, I'd say and I suppose that's what people are referring to.


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