An emotional affair...

strobe

Not as one may think, an affair that was quite emotional, but an affair of the emotions, rather than the Jenny Thalia.

Hi. This is a phrase that I've only become aware of, say in the last three years or so. Never would have heard it before then, never knew it was a thing. Maybe it's been around for years and it just didn't have a name? Maybe people using the phrase only just registered with me around then. Who's to know? Not me anyways.

The concept fascinates me. For a simple and handsome man like myself, an affair was always when you rode someone else, or maybe just kissed them and felt them up a bit on the street outside a nightclub. That kind of thing. Violated the mono part of monogamy. Had some part of you on some part of someone else other than your partner in some sort of sexual context basically.

From what I can gather, 'an emotional affair', is when you have somehow cheated on your spouse/significant other/bf/gf/whatever/etc, but not had any physically intimate/sexual contact with them.

I'm not sure I get it (a not unknown occurrence for me, I frequently don't get things). So I was wondering if people could maybe explain it to the rest of the class? Imagine you're talking to a very small child that has difficulty getting things.

Have you ever had an emotional affair? What did that entail?

Has someone you were with ever had an emotional affair? What are the details there, how did that work?

Is it somehow different than forging a new close friendship with a member of the opposite sex (or the same if you're a yes voter)? How so?

What are the parameters?

With a basic package affair it seems a lot more straightforward. You got your sexual kicks (for some value of that) with someone that wasn't the person you are in a relationship with.

For an emotional affair..? What has to occur? What's the jig?

Someone's been watching Loose Women...

From what I can gather, the 'emotional affair' is a sham invented by middle-aged women as a weapon to inflict moral blame on their partners for having friends outside the home, long after those men have lost interest in their spouses, and perhaps for good reason.

I'm sure it works the other way too, with men blaming their partners for having a life outside a troubled relationship.

Modern narcissism amazes me: society is brimming with self-obsession, but never to the point of self-examination, let alone self-criticism.

Blame a syndrome, blame a disease, blame someone. And if you can't blame someone who's had the decency to keep it in his underpants, blame him for thinking about it, blame him for being friends for anyone who isn't you.

Blame blame blame. Is nobody an existentialist these days?

Cold War Kid

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

Is nobody an existentialist these days?

Oh me - I'm way existentialamist.

If you have a partner but fall in love with someone else and become intimate friends, share confidences, become very close and have an intense attraction, even if not acted upon. Intimacy without the athletics I suppose. It would hurt pretty bad if I had a partner who was emotionally interlocked with someone else, even if the rest of them wasn't interlocking.

Addle

An emotional affair = an inappropriate relationship = disrespectful to your spouse/partner.

Links234

Huh, never heard of this before, I guess you learn something new every day.

ThinkProgress

Something created by women who read too many romance novels!?

I guess it could happen in the internet age, with chat rooms etc.

Two people get chatting online and find they have a connection of sorts. Like that movie with tom what's his face and meg what's her name?

That would be my interpretation of said "emotional Affair".

Samaris

...It sounds like a load of rubbish to me, to be honest.

ThinkProgress

Actually, scratch that... just asked someone more clued into that sort of wishy washy hoo haa new-age bs.

Apparently it's when you MIND-F*CK a person!

Jake Rugby Walrus666

Mrs Sartre got away with murder.

I suspect it's something that women believe in more than men, possibly because they suspect that a man who is very close to another woman may be interested in more. I think married men who are very good friends with single women are more likely to read possibilities into that relationship than married women who are friends with single men, who are more likely to just see it as a friendship. But that's far from a universal.

Cold War Kid

Of course there's a line without physical intimacy being a requirement. Not judging - sh-t happens, but it's not as rubbish as people are saying (it's rubbish all right if it's in reference to just friendship, even close friendship).

AngryHippie

strobe

AngryHippie wrote: »

"An error occurred. Please try again later. Learn more."

I feel like I should be spray painting that on a government building for some reason.

PARlance

Worth noting that it's ok to have an emotional affair with someone less attractive than your wife.

my teapot is orange

I'd say there's a lot of it if my understanding of it is correct. Basically a person liking someone else better than their partner and being closer to them, but probably guilt free because there is no physical intimacy which is what we are taught culturally is cheating. It would be very hard to argue with "I'm allowed to have friends". But it would be weird.

beks101

I'd actually say this craic is a lot worse than your OH bumping uglies with someone else.

Sex can just be sex sometimes. Maybe they're just horny and your relationship is going through a dry spell. Maybe they had a moment of weakness. Maybe they're acting out on some relationship issue that neither of you is willing to address.

Whereas with the emotions there's going to be an investment, no two ways about it. It's more likely your OH actually doesn't even like you enough to bridge the communication channels and make things work, so is turning elsewhere. Someone else is appealing to their feelz and you are off their radar. They've cut you off. And what's more, they can protest til the cows come home on the technicality that "I'm not doing anything wrong!" "He/she's just a friend!" "Jesus what is wrong with you? Stop being so bloody paranoid."

ceadaoin.

It's not just about being friends with someone of the opposite sex. It's when that friendship crosses the line and begins to exclude your partner. Texting or emailing all day, confiding in them and not your partner, hiding how often you are in contact with them. It's often a prelude to an actual physical affair.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

this would be 100 times worse than a partner going out getting drunk and riding someone else. I personally wouldn't never forgive someone for emotionally cheating.

The Diabolical Monocle

1
4
3


emotional friend.

The Diabolical Monocle

here is what our challenged friend was trying to post.


I quoted him and edited out the bit he was supposed to edit out, leaving in the numbers/letters after the equals sign.

this is the most proactive/pro-social thing I have ever done.

strobe

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Of course there's a line without physical intimacy being a requirement. Not judging - sh-t happens, but it's not as rubbish as people are saying (it's rubbish all right if it's in reference to just friendship, even close friendship).

Where's the line, would you say? Where would one make the differentiation between someone having a close friendship and 'emotionally cheating'?

strobe

Candie wrote: »

If you have a partner but fall in love with someone else and become intimate friends, share confidences, become very close and have an intense attraction, even if not acted upon. Intimacy without the athletics I suppose. It would hurt pretty bad if I had a partner who was emotionally interlocked with someone else, even if the rest of them wasn't interlocking.

So it's basically if you fall in love with someone else you would say Candie?

Saralee4

I think an emotional affair is similar to an infatuation or a mutual crush.

The thing with an emotional affair is that it is not real in comparison to an actual serious relationship that you are already in. I have no doubt that people leave their husband/wife after having a emotional affair and I am sure that there are instances where it works out and they live happily ever after but whilst in the midst of an emotional affair, a persons view is going to be thwarted or a bit of a delusion.

The little things that are bothering you in your actual relationship that have you turning to another person for emotional support are probably not experienced with the person you having the emotional affair with. For example you are not going to be fighting over paying the bills like you probably would in your real relationship. You may feel that they are more attentive because they seem to be there when you need them but you are comparing this to someone who has been with you for a long time, probably live with, see every day and is not going to be running around trying to please you as a new person would, you would not see the nastier sides (which everyone has to a certain extent) to the person for example when they are tired or stressed out so your view of the person you are having the 'affair' with is a bit blurred and there is going to be constant comparing in your mind even if subconscious.

There is also the fact that you are not consummating the 'affair' which is going to build sexual tension and attraction and make you want the person more which is going to make you think everything they say is the word of god and that you are in love with them.

strobe

strobe wrote: »

So it's basically if you fall in love with someone else you would say Candie?

I guess so, but it might have the added complication of a very close friendship as well as mutual attraction and connection.

I don't think it would hurt as much as a sexual betrayal, but it would certainly hurt a lot.

TheBeardedLady

How do people discover the extent of these emotional affairs? How would you discover something like that?

TheBeardedLady

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

How do people discover the extent of these emotional affairs? How would you discover something like that?

The same way real affairs are discovered.

Look through phone.

TheBeardedLady

Deleted User wrote: »

The same way real affairs are discovered.

Look through phone.

How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

TheBeardedLady

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

I suppose by the intimacy of the confidences. If they're talking about you, or sharing other information with them, but not with you, and giving that kind of loving support that would be couched in very tender terms, and seeing each other through rose tinted glasses etc.

I'm doomed if this happens, I'd never go through anyones phone because I'd hate it to be done to me.

TheBeardedLady

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

How could you distinguish and emotional affair from a good friendship via messages on a phone? What are the tell tale signs? I ask out of genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

Are they distinguishable?

An emotional affair kinda = a man being very good friends with a woman other than his wife, and confiding in her? Many women might consider this "emotional infidelity". Many men might shrug their shoulders and say there are either affairs, which involve sexual intimacy, or there are not affairs, and not this mumbo jumbo of emotional affairs.

TheBeardedLady

Deleted User wrote: »

Are they distinguishable?

An emotional affair kinda = a man being very good friends with a woman other than his wife, and confiding in her? Many women might consider this "emotional infidelity". Many men might shrug their shoulders and say there are either affairs, which involve sexual intimacy, or there are not affairs, and not this mumbo jumbo of emotional affairs.

Well what Candie outlines above is crossing the line, I'd say and I suppose that's what people are referring to.

strobe

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

genuine curiosity and white wine in the system.

"The Devil's cocktail" as I believe it's called by no one anywhere ever, but should be a thing.

TheBeardedLady

strobe wrote: »

"The Devil's cocktail" as I believe it's called by no one anywhere ever, but should be a thing.

I'm to question the fook out of everyone on here tonight. Question 'em good 'n' proper.;)

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Deleted User wrote: »

Are they distinguishable?

An emotional affair kinda = a man being very good friends with a woman other than his wife, and confiding in her? Many women might consider this "emotional infidelity". Many men might shrug their shoulders and say there are either affairs, which involve sexual intimacy, or there are not affairs, and not this mumbo jumbo of emotional affairs.

Men might not use the term emotional affair, but I wouldn't say most men would be comfortable with their partner having a very close non-sexual relationship with a male friend that involved them being discussed, or things that they didn't know about their partner being divulged and so on. Hell if anything I'd say men are less enthusiastic in general about their partners having close male friends (just in general though, plenty men are grand with it obviously, but take a look through PI)

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Sierra Creek wrote: »

There's a very good reason men don't like their girlfriends and wives having close male friends, the risk of cuckoldery which evolutionarily speaking is close to death. For women emotional affairs are usually worse because they risk losing their support and commitment which is important in raising a family.

But the sort of close friendship I'm describing is what I'd consider an emotional affair. Nobody likes them, maybe women are just quicker to use the terminology

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I think an emotional affair is when it starts to affect your real relationship.
You're blowing off your OH in favour of spending time just talking to your friend.
You're not comfortable moving your real relationship further because it could be better further with someone else.
You're not seeing the need to discuss your problems/look for solutions with your OH because you prefer to do this with your friend.

When the thoughts of your friend going out and pulling someone else is enough to make you snap, even more so than the thoughts of your OH being with someone else.

When you're being deliberately cold with your OH because you've maybe acknowledged you're more than just friends with this other person, you know they feel the same, but you can't act on it because it's wrong because neither of you are single - but sleeping with someone else when you know it'd "hurt" your friend seems worse than not sleeping with your oh and hurting them.

TheBeardedLady

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I think an emotional affair is when it starts to affect your real relationship.
You're blowing off your OH in favour of spending time just talking to your friend.
You're not comfortable moving your real relationship further because it could be better further with someone else.
You're not seeing the need to discuss your problems/look for solutions with your OH because you prefer to do this with your friend.

When the thoughts of your friend going out and pulling someone else is enough to make you snap, even more so than the thoughts of your OH being with someone else.

When you're being deliberately cold with your OH because you've maybe acknowledged you're more than just friends with this other person, you know they feel the same, but you can't act on it because it's wrong because neither of you are single - but sleeping with someone else when you know it'd "hurt" your friend seems worse than not sleeping with your oh and hurting them.

That'd some it up, I reckon. I've known both woman and men to dapple in this kind of thing. Luckily I haven't experienced it myself - I'd be super gutted if i discovered me fella was at this.

*sups more white wine*

Terry Shallow Sealskin

Terry Shallow Sealskin wrote: »

Men might not use the term emotional affair, but I wouldn't say most men would be comfortable with their partner having a very close non-sexual relationship with a male friend that involved them being discussed, or things that they didn't know about their partner being divulged and so on. Hell if anything I'd say men are less enthusiastic in general about their partners having close male friends (just in general though, plenty men are grand with it obviously, but take a look through PI)

It's the very opposite in my world.

I know if I was out with, say 5 friends, 3 males, 2 females, all 4 men would go home and say to their wives that they were out with the 3 males and not mention the 2 females because of the jealousy and rows it would provoke. Wives hate female friends of husbands.

Whereas if each of our wives were out with 5 friends, 1 female, 3 males, all 4 of us males would be told, because it wouldn't provoke a negative reaction. And it wouldn't, we'd shrug our shoulders and not assume there was something going on.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Deleted User wrote: »

It's the very opposite in my world.

I know if I was out with, say 5 friends, 3 males, 2 females, all 4 men would go home and say to their wives that they were out with the 3 males and not mention the 2 females because of the jealousy and rows it would provoke. Wives hate female friends of husbands.

Whereas if each of our wives were out with 5 friends, 1 female, 3 males, all 4 of us males would be told, because it wouldn't provoke a negative reaction. And it wouldn't, we'd shrug our shoulders and not assume there was something going on.

Well we can argue back and forth about anecdotes like, pretty pointless though

Terry Shallow Sealskin

Terry Shallow Sealskin wrote: »

Well we can argue back and forth about anecdotes like, pretty pointless though

Well let's not rely on anecdotes.

Studies suggest that in all male female relationships, men read more about sex and intimacy into it than females.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

I think this is known, it is intuitive, which is why women are more suspicious of the relationship between their husband and other women than vice versa. As I said, that's mirrored in my world.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Deleted User wrote: »

Well let's not rely on anecdotes.

Studies suggest that in all male female relationships, men read more about sex and intimacy into it than females.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

I think this is known, it is intuitive, which is why women are more suspicious of the relationship between their husband and other women than vice versa. As I said, that's mirrored in my world.

See now to me that link says the opposite of what you're arguing. Men are less likely to believe that an opposite sex friendship is platonic, and therefore could be presumed to be less comfortable with their partners' opposite sex friendships.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I personally wouldn't be paranoid about my oh having female friends. He has plenty of female friends, some that he knows a lot longer than me and that's fine. However, if I discovered he had a female friend he lied about or kept secret from me, his balls would be stomped on while wearing a pair of those boots they used for cracking chestnuts.

Why hide a friendship? Why lie about something innocent?

For example - I'm currently in canada, with the OH. I have a Canadian friend I know almost 10 years. He's married and we only really talk through emails and Skype. Me and him have went out for dinner three times this week. Each time, my oh knows where I'm going, what I'm doing, when I'll be home. They don't know each other, haven't met each other but it's not a major problem.

But his wife doesn't know he's coming out for dinner with me. She doesn't know we email. She doesn't even know my name, or the fact we've been talking many years. This does bother me, and I asked him why he's lying to her when he hasn't done anything wrong. He says because it's easier, because she's jealous and because he believes men and women can never just be friends.

All I know is if I was his wife, I'd be furious, not because he was going to dinner with a friend, but because he was lying about it.

Saralee4

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Well let's not rely on anecdotes.

Studies suggest that in all male female relationships, men read more about sex and intimacy into it than females.

http://www.scieŕntificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

I think this is known, it is intuitive, which is why women are more suspicious of the relationship between their husband and other women than vice versa. As I said, that's mirrored in my world.

But you could also argue that and if the results of that study are to be believed,that men would be less trusting of their female spouse when out with other platonic male friends because as the study suggests they do not believe that it is possible like a projection.

LexieOnRale

LexieOnRale wrote: »

But his wife doesn't know he's coming out for dinner with me. She doesn't know we email. She doesn't even know my name, or the fact we've been talking many years. This does bother me, and I asked him why he's lying to her when he hasn't done anything wrong. He says because it's easier, because she's jealous and because he believes men and women can never just be friends.

And that's precisely it. What he's doing is very standard. At least amongst my friends.

Men just don't tell wives about female friends because it provokes jealousy and rows. Because women think, correctly, that generally men read more into relationships than women than vice versa.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Deleted User wrote: »

And that's precisely it. What he's doing is very standard. At least amongst my friends.

Men just don't tell wives about female friends because it provokes jealousy and rows. Because women think, correctly, that generally men read more into relationships than women than vice versa.

But going back to your link, women underestimate the amount of attraction the man in an opposite sex friendship is feeling. Maybe men presume it's going to provoke jealousy and rows because that's how they themselves would react

Wacker The Attacker

This is the best **** promotion thread ever.

Saralee4

Saralee4 wrote: »

But you could also argue that and if the results of that study are to be believed,that men would be less trusting of their female spouse when out with other platonic male friends because as the study suggests they do not believe that it is possible like a projection.

But the projection is not onto their wives, but their wives male friends. If my wife hung around with men all the time, I would have absolute trust in her, but I would not trust them. So it would cause no row whatsoever between us. If I hung around with women the whole time, she would assume my intentions were dodgy. So it would provoke jealousy.

Terry Shallow Sealskin

Terry Shallow Sealskin wrote: »

But going back to your link, women underestimate the amount of attraction the man in an opposite sex friendship is feeling. Maybe men presume it's going to provoke jealousy and rows because that's how they themselves would react

No no, women underestimate the attraction male friends have in them.

Women get the attraction husbands may have in female friends. Because men read more into the relationship.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Deleted User wrote: »

And that's precisely it. What he's doing is very standard. At least amongst my friends.

Men just don't tell wives about female friends because it provokes jealousy and rows. Because women think, correctly, that generally men read more into relationships than women than vice versa.

It's highly insulting. If he's married, and making himself available for nights out, knowing I have to do the same, then turns around and tells me - despite our friendship that men and women can never be just friends? Who does he not trust? Me? Himself?

I could 100% understand why a woman would go mad over that. I'm not the jealous sort usually and even I would lose it over that. How can you expect a woman to trust you when you don't even trust yourself

LexieOnRale

LexieOnRale wrote: »

It's highly insulting. If he's married, and making himself available for nights out, knowing I have to do the same, then turns around and tells me - despite our friendship that men and women can never be just friends? Who does he not trust? Me? Himself?

I could 100% understand why a woman would go mad over that. I'm not the jealous sort usually and even I would lose it over that. How can you expect a woman to trust you when you don't even trust yourself

Any spouse, male or female, who would turn around and say "I can't just be friends with my opposite sex friends" deserves everything they have coming, and would completely break the bond of trust. Of course that would provoke jealousy, and rightly so. That's not some generality, that's an admission.

Mr. Incognito

An emotional affair equals friends

If you told your wife no friends"........war