Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all, we have some important news to share. Please follow the link here to find out more!
https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058419143/important-news/p1?new=1
https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058419143/important-news/p1?new=1
Ever being cheated on or done the cheating?
Comments
-
I have to say, I wouldn't hold the "Other Person" responsible at all if I were cheated on.
They owe me nothing, not a damn thing.
Even if they knew the person they were with was taken. They took no vow with me, not even an understanding if it were a LTR, never mind a marriage.
That's not to say I would be happy with them
I just wanted to add to this.....
The above does NOT apply to people who make a habit out of seeking out people who are "attached" to have "no strings fun with"
I was talking about someone who has a relationship with an attached person on the once off. Habitual offenders are not covered by my above post and imo are not very nice people.0 -
It takes two people for someone to cheat - the cheater, and the 'other guy/girl' - so they do need your helpDeleted User wrote: »Not sure I see it that way. They have cheated already - they do not need my help. The Jesus nuts go a little over board with this concept with the whole "if a man sexually desires a woman - he has already committed adultery with her in God’s eyes" but they are at least on the right track that if a person is seeking to cheat - then they have essentially already cheated.
What the moral obligation of a person outside a relationship is - to me - is zero. I think all of the moral obligation in a relationship lies entirely on the people IN that relationship. Not the people they breach that relationship with.
Saying 'they were going to cheat anyway', doesn't reduce your role in it being morally wrong, in any way - it is you who would be assisting the person in cheating, and aiding them in breaching another persons trust - and in helping to hurt the person being cheated on when (very likely) they find out later.
The morals and ethics of this, go beyond the verbal 'contract' between the partners in the relationship - and include the morals/ethics of assisting someone in cheating, and just of being a decent person in general as well (i.e. the basic idea of not screwing over someone, by sleeping with their partner counts here).
Usually attempts at rationalizing being the 'other guy/girl', tend to try and restrict the morals, to considering only the verbal 'contract' of the relationship - without justification.
Ah yes, that would be interesting to seeDeleted User wrote: »I am 100% sure there was that exact thread on boards once. I am only about 15% sure it was on After Hours. I think it might actually have been elsewhere. If I find it - I will do my best to remember to let you know But perhaps a poster - who has not been programming for the last 15 hours straight and is still somewhat awake - might find it for me 0 -
KomradeBishop wrote: »It takes two people for someone to cheat - the cheater, and the 'other guy/girl' - so they do need your help
Again I am not so sure. Imagine your partner - the one who claims to love you - sitting in a bar talking to someone. Just as the final call lights flash your partner leans in and says "Take me home - I want you". The other person might say "no". In my eyes your partner has cheated on you already. Without the help of the other person.
You appear to draw the line at the actual act. I merely suggest it might come sooner than this.
Again - you have no moral obligation to a contract you never entered into in the first place.0 -
She has cheated - i.e. breached trust - at that point, yes - but every step along the way of getting closer physically and maybe emotionally, compounds the cheating/breach-of-trust - and the stages that involve the 'other person', make that person complicit as well.Deleted User wrote: »Again I am not so sure. Imagine your partner - the one who claims to love you - sitting in a bar talking to someone. Just as the final call lights flash your partner leans in and says "Take me home - I want you". The other person might say "no". In my eyes your partner has cheated on you already. Without the help of the other person.
You appear to draw the line at the actual act. I merely suggest it might come sooner than this.
Again - you have no moral obligation to a contract you never entered into in the first place.
So, I don't draw a strict line I recognize that there are various stages of cheating and breach of trust, and where the responsibility lies can differ at each stage, depending on who is involved.
Also, as I said earlier, regarding viewing morals as starting and stopping at the 'contract' between the partners in the relationship - those aren't the only moral/ethical responsibilities:The morals and ethics of this, go beyond the verbal 'contract' between the partners in the relationship - and include the morals/ethics of assisting someone in cheating, and just of being a decent person in general as well (i.e. the basic idea of not screwing over someone, by sleeping with their partner counts here).
Usually attempts at rationalizing being the 'other guy/girl', tend to try and restrict the morals, to considering only the verbal 'contract' of the relationship - without justification.0 -
The person in question might also walk up to a person randomly in a bar and say "take me home now" There are extremes on every continuum. I simply do not see it as "assisting" as you do. I see it as someone identifying a potential mate - and they have no moral compunctions either way.
I do get where you are coming from and I do not mean to seem unsympathetic to it. The ideal that people outside a relationship would also respect the boundaries of that relationship is a lovely one and one we as a species might even do well to aspire to. I do not disagree with your ideals here. I just do not feel actual reality maps onto those ideals so well - and if i wanted to be with someone - and they wanted to be with me - then any emotional contracts they might be part of - which have nothing to do with me - - - - well they have nothing to do with me
Thankfully in the context of this thread it is not important. I am 100% committed to my relationship and I have every reason in the world to think they are too.0 -
Advertisement
-
-
-
-
-
my teapot is orange wrote: »but would she not always be wondering who he is cheating with now?
I tried to express this earlier in the thread and perhaps I failed. But there is no answer to this question. It is entirely contextual. There Is no one formula for how people transition from one relation to another via infidelity - nor for the reasons why they do it. So there IS no answer as to whether expectations of further infidelity is warranted. The narrative of each relationship is simply to varied to generalise. Yet alas usually when threads like this come up - that is exactly what most people wish to do
0 -
Advertisement
-
-
-
Ya but as I said, the morals/ethics go beyond the contract in the relationshipDeleted User wrote: »The person in question might also walk up to a person randomly in a bar and say "take me home now" There are extremes on every continuum. I simply do not see it as "assisting" as you do. I see it as someone identifying a potential mate - and they have no moral compunctions either way.
I do get where you are coming from and I do not mean to seem unsympathetic to it. The ideal that people outside a relationship would also respect the boundaries of that relationship is a lovely one and one we as a species might even do well to aspire to. I do not disagree with your ideals here. I just do not feel actual reality maps onto those ideals so well - and if i wanted to be with someone - and they wanted to be with me - then any emotional contracts they might be part of - which have nothing to do with me - - - - well they have nothing to do with me
Thankfully in the context of this thread it is not important. I am 100% committed to my relationship and I have every reason in the world to think they are too.
Possibly bad analogy time (it's all I can think of offhand - there is probably a better analogy):
If two people in a marriage have a joint bank account, and - the 'contract' - trust each other not to run away with all the money (as they'd each be legally well entitled to), and the wife decides to take it all and run - but she needs your help (though would find someone else eventually if you said no), to place the money in your bank account as she runs away, and to transfer it to her once she settles and has a new one setup.
It's a similar situation on many levels - even if it could be successfully argued that you have no moral obligation to the 'contract' between them (I'd say that isn't so clear, but skip by that as it's not important), you do have other ethical/moral obligations here, as assisting her with this would be a rather shít thing to do
Aside from the morals of the 'contract', there are the morals of assisting her with this, and the morals just of common decency as well - of not assisting a person in screwing someone over.0 -
-
-
KomradeBishop wrote: »Ya but as I said, the morals/ethics go beyond the contract in the relationship
That you did. I am not convinced that saying it makes it true however
As for the analogy - I am not so sure it is bad so much as unworkable. There is too much complexity related to currency and the laws behind ownership and legality of it to make it pliable here. Money represents too much more than pure earning deposit and investment. Mapping it onto human relationships risks a chasm of tautology that is not going to bring a conversation like this anywhere at all. And over extending that analogy is a risk both of us face - and I have weird images of us waking up in 6 hours still arguing interest rates in qutar or some nonsense 0 -
-
Perhaps But to use a money analogy since Bish did - there are shops where "if you have to ask the price - you can not afford it".
There are times in life where if you have to ask someone the question - perhaps you are not ready for the answer
I have no idea - I do not know the relationship before during or after. But suffice to say - perhaps all concerned are better it is done and dusted and are moving on?0 -
[Deleted User] wrote: »Perhaps But to use a money analogy since Bish did - there are shops where "if you have to ask the price - you can not afford it".
There are times in life where if you have to ask someone the question - perhaps you are not ready for the answer
I have no idea - I do not know the relationship before during or after. But suffice to say - perhaps all concerned are better it is done and dusted and are moving on?
Oh I knew the answer,I'm just a sucker for honesty and making people have a look at themselves sometimes 0 -
-
Advertisement
-
-
Well, okey, will leave it at that soDeleted User wrote: »That you did. I am not convinced that saying it makes it true however
As for the analogy - I am not so sure it is bad so much as unworkable. There is too much complexity related to currency and the laws behind ownership and legality of it to make it pliable here. Money represents too much more than pure earning deposit and investment. Mapping it onto human relationships risks a chasm of tautology that is not going to bring a conversation like this anywhere at all. And over extending that analogy is a risk both of us face - and I have weird images of us waking up in 6 hours still arguing interest rates in qutar or some nonsense I would say however, that the idea that morals don't go beyond the 'contract' in a relationship, is what's in need of a convincing argument
We all have moral/ethical obligations regarding how we treat other people - just basic/common decency for the most part - that exist regardless of whether we personally make a 'contract' to this effect with other people, and these can't really be thrown aside.0 -
-
Ah, ya that's worrying alright - it's not a lot to go on, but it seems something worth keeping an eye out, for anything else which might seem out of place, any 'warning signs' (and well, the phone and the lie - and deleted messages - I'd say would count there).AvonEnniskerry wrote: »OK my husband was a cheater before me. I knew of this. I knew the girl he cheated on his ex with and told him as a friend to choose between one or the other. Then later on he told me he didn't care for his girlfriend - the relationship which had been going on for a number of years. He said he never had, and only got involved because she wanted it. At that point I asked him why he was even in a relationship like that and pointed out it wasn't healthy for either of them.
I also asked him why he cheated and he said because he'd been cheated on in a previous relationship.
After a while he started persuing me. I was very reluctant at first. I told him it would never happen but he kept persuing me and eventually I gave in.
Long story short. Not long after our wedding day I found texts on his phone from someone saying something along the lines of 'aww you sound upset baby. Do you want me to come over' (he was in the shower and I thought it was going to be a message from his dad. A quick scroll down showed that this was definitely not the first message.
I always thought I'd be the strong independent woman in that situation and leave his sorry ass. But I stood there frozen and quite in disbelief. He came out of the shower and knew there was showing wrong. Told me the messages were from a male friend.
Eventually later he told me the messages were from an ex (not the one mentioned previously).
His instinct was to lie to me. I found that difficult to deal with. He also deleted all his messages so I had know way of knowing what really happened.
I stayed with him due to this. And to this day I don't really know what happened. We have a daughter now and I hope. I really do that he learnt his lesson with me.
But only time will tell. I believe all cheating will come out in the end. What really upset me was this other woman was under the impression he was unhappy. It was not something he ever approached me about.
Every now and again the thought occurs to me that he's just better at covering his tracks now. He has always had a problem with not knowing when to stop. A flirtatious conversion definitely grooms his ego.
I have never cheated on any partner. I do not understand it.
That's just my story. I haven't really talked about it before. Not even with himself as he doesn't like me bringing up the past.
Can never judge these things accurately from the outside, but unless there were really good reasons for that lying and especially e.g. the deleted messages, then there may be a reason to distrust - or to 'trust but verify' 0 -
-
-
-
-
-
Advertisement
-
![[Deleted User]](/applications/dashboard/design/images/defaulticon.png)
Advertisement