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Do you disrespect someone you love like this?

2

Comments

  • #52
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
    I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.


  • #53
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
    I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.

    Oh this explains a lot. I bet you're afraid you'll not meet anyone else and you're clinging in to this bad relationship for dear life. For your own sake you should just end it and try to meet someone you're more compatible with. Don't fool yourself into thinking she's going to change into the girlfriend you think she will be. Maybe these things that happened at new year are still eating you up because you know that this relationship is all wrong. You've offered no compelling reasons why you should keep this going. First serious girlfriend and being attractive do not count as valid reasons.


  • #54
    bee06
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    OP, relationships are not supposed to be this hard and depressing! Bad things do happen in functioning relationships but all the good parts help you get over them easily. This is not about you being in the wrong or a terrible person either. It's about you not being compatible with her.


  • #55
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Oh this explains a lot. I bet you're afraid you'll not meet anyone else and you're clinging in to this bad relationship for dear life.

    Im afraid you are right, and i do have feelings and many great (first time for me) memories together,... ://


    im torn and dont know what to do...


  • #56
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    And for the whole year together i thought to myslef she is the (first) one I see future together with. Everything was great for first 10 months, but then it just went downhill. I dont know is it a honeymoon phase ending or somehting else. Its like more and more things bother me about her/us. its not just the act im afraid im not gonna find anyone else, its the fact she in my first, its the fact i lose one of my best friends and company if we end it... Im also close with her family members after all this time together.

    Its like everything that mean so much to for the last 16 months is gonna collapse into nothing and i just cant take it.


  • #57
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Again none of what you've written justifies why you should stay with her. Most of us aren't still with our first boyfriends/girlfriends. Or the first person we slept with. Or our first serious partner. It can take time for you to find out that the person you're dating isn't the right person for you. What has happened here is that you've come out of the honeymoon stage and are looking at your gf with more realistic eyes. It's ok if what you see now isn't what you saw at the start.


  • #58
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Yeah but now its too late, the feelings for her are there, im too deep now. I do love her - is this not good reason to stay together ? we are not compatible on many aspects of relationship... So we should break off based on that even if we have feelings for eachother?


  • #59
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,948 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    DeltaWhite wrote: »
    Ok this is the last time I'm going to ask since you ignored my last questions I asked:

    DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP?

    I'm taking time out of my day to advise you same as everyone else and it would be nice if you could actually acknowledge my questions instead of coming back with more bitterness and reasons why you obviously don't like the girl..

    So could you please answer the question.

    Mod:

    The OP is not obliged to answer every single question on this thread. It's their thread and can give as little or as much information as they feel is comfortable.

    Furthermore, SHOUTING at an OP falls far short of the supportive, helpful and constructive advice that this forum expects from posters.


  • #60
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I do want to continue this relationship, I just dont know what to do since you advice me to break it off and that we are not compitable...


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  • #61
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    Why do you want to continue it?

    You haven't said any positive things about her. You've mentioned nice things you've done for her but nothing that she's done for you.

    You don't like this girl. You like the idea of being in a relationship (and it sounds like you want a fairytail relationship) which isn't the worst thing in the world but this relationship is not the one for you.

    If you love someone you don't talk negatively about them.


  • #62
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Be prepared for your girlfriend to put the relationship out of its misery if you don't. I'm not seeing what it is she's getting out of this other than the convenience of having a boyfriend. All I can add really is that it is possible to love someone who is wrong for you. Have a think about that.


  • #63
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,690 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    If you want to continue the relationship, then the only thing you can do is accept your gf's faults. And do not keep bringing up 3 month old arguments.


  • #64
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Yeah but now its too late, the feelings for her are there, im too deep now. I do love her - is this not good reason to stay together ? we are not compatible on many aspects of relationship... So we should break off based on that even if we have feelings for eachother?

    Look, you can end it now and be miserable for a couple of months.

    OR

    You can not end it and continue to seethe about her not making time for you, not putting herself out for you, smoking, drinking, and being thoughtless and be miserable for the next few years until one of you reaches breaking point and it all gets messy.


  • #65
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I do want to continue this relationship, I just dont know what to do since you advice me to break it off and that we are not compitable...

    Try sitting down with her and having one big relationship conversation. Ask her if she's happy in the relationship, and if not ask her what the specific issues are for her. Then tell her the things you're unhappy about (your sex life, that you feel she doesn't put in as much effort as you in terms of doing things the other person would like to do together, anything else if you feel it's a major issue), it may help to wrote it out in an email or something, as it can be hard to think of the things or put them across properly face to face in the heat of the moment.

    Then ideally, you will listen to each others issues, talk about them each separately, and try to arrive at a compromise on them/ determine to do better in relation to them in future... at least ideally that's what'll happen.

    But if that doesn't happen, then you'll either have to accept that the issues aren't going anywhere and accept that and settle for this being the relationship. Or end it and meet someone else to fall in love with where these issues aren't there from the get go.

    Best of luck man.


  • #66
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    Op with the way you keep going on about how much you have put into the relationship etc etc you would swear you were going out with her for years - its been a year and two months - this is way too much intensity and drama given the time frame.

    I cant get my head around you still harbouring anger towards her over something that happened almost four months ago to be honest. You both sound like melters based on what you have written about that night - you treated her like a child (seriously telling her to take a shower and telling tales to her parents) and then sulking all night and obsessing about where she was. The level of detail in your post about new years night is astounding and shows that you spent the whole night monitoring what she was doing, with who and when. Yes you could argue she was meant to be with the family and kept leaving to go off with a gruop of other people but you could have either left her to it or joined her instead of monitoring her and sulking.

    As for the future - like many others have said do you actually want to be in a relationship with her - if not - break up! You may be better suited to someone who has the same strict defined social norms that you have defined for yourself around what is / isnt acceptable. Ive a friend like that, she has her own odd set of rules around what she feels should be done in social situations and whats respectful and what is not - I dont at all - each to their own.


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  • #67
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    NotHappy1 - what do you do with your GF that you do not like to do, but do it anyway to keep her happy? How many examples can you provide?

    And going to stay with her family over NYE when you only are going out less than 18months is a bit pre-mature if you ask me, but that's besides the point.

    You probably don't realise how selfish you sounds yourself when presenting your arguments.


  • #68
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    nozipcode wrote: »
    NotHappy1 - what do you do with your GF that you do not like to do, but do it anyway to keep her happy? How many examples can you provide?

    And going to stay with her family over NYE when you only are going out less than 18months is a bit pre-mature if you ask me, but that's besides the point.

    You probably don't realise how selfish you sounds yourself when presenting your arguments.

    Eh? I don't think that's too soon at all.


  • #69
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    Lets agree to disagree then. I think being introduced to her family at that stage is fine, but unless someone was engaged to my sister or brother I would prefer to spend family time with, well, my family.


  • #70
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    What i do for her ?
    - I drive to her hometown (20 min away which is not far) at least 3 times a week, at the same time she comes to my place around 1 time per month... it happened she did not come even once in 9 weeks
    - I help her with her work and when seh needs help (example: painting her room)
    - I go to all her friends/relaitves bday parties (i do not like bday parties at all, not even mine, she knows it , but i go because it means something to her)
    - Dont pressure her for sex even if we dont have sex for 2 or more weeks in a row

    I can go on and on...


  • #71
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    There you go again.

    Saying all the nice things you do for her but not anything that she does for you.

    Seriously, just end it. You have yourself up on a pedestal that you're perfect.


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  • #72
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I do not think its too soon, Iwas invited at er mothers 50 years bday party after just 3 months of relationship, and i hated it but went for her...

    And FYI i spent christmas eve with her family at her home and slept there...


  • #73
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Stench Blossoms wrote: »
    There you go again.

    Saying all the nice things you do for her but not anything that she does for you.

    Seriously, just end it. You have yourself up on a pedestal that you're perfect.

    Hey I was asked what I DID for her not her for me!


  • #74
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Hey I was asked what I DID for her not her for me!

    And what does she do for you?

    Tell us ONE nice thing about her?


  • #75
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    She is caring (always asks me how was work), when i have health problems she brings me medication,she gave me massages from time to time, she always invites my to go somewhere she is heading with(out) friends, she is very affectionate, she is fair about splitting/paying for dinners, she is giving in terms of little gifts from time to time to remind me she thinks of me and she swallows :) LOL when we have sex (once a month)

    there could be more but that is what i remember right now thinking about it...


  • #76
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    She is caring (always asks me how was work), when i have health problems she brings me medication,she gave me massages from time to time, she always invites my to go somewhere she is heading with(out) friends, she is very affectionate, she is fair about splitting/paying for dinners, she is giving in terms of little gifts from time to time to remind me she thinks of me and she swallows :) LOL when we have sex (once a month)

    there could be more but that is what i remember right now thinking about it...

    You are actually disgusting.


  • #77
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Alright, now i see you just dont like me - whatever I say is wrong...

    Im not the one who swallow... so i do not see how am I disgusting? (and i do not see any abnormal/strange/disgusting activity here)


  • #78
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Alright, now i see you just dont like me - whatever I say is wrong...

    Im not the one who swallow... so i do not see how am I disgusting? (and i do not see any abnormal/strange/disgusting activity here)



    LOL. Man, you're warped.

    Sounds like you want your GF to be the pretty little princess when it suits you, and then the cum-swallowing ho, when it suits you.


  • #79
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,447 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    She is caring (always asks me how was work), when i have health problems she brings me medication,she gave me massages from time to time, she always invites my to go somewhere she is heading with(out) friends, she is very affectionate, she is fair about splitting/paying for dinners, she is giving in terms of little gifts from time to time to remind me she thinks of me and she swallows :) LOL when we have sex (once a month)

    there could be more but that is what i remember right now thinking about it...

    There are loads of threads on here where guys complain about sexless marriages and many of them seem to start before marriage. If your sexlife is bad now, what so you think will happen in the long run? You mentioned she never climaxed, was this just with you? Maybe get her to pleasure herself in front of you to to see what she likes.


  • #80
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    nozipcode wrote: »
    LOL. Man, you're warped.

    Sounds like you want your GF to be the pretty little princess when it suits you, and then the cum-swallowing ho, when it suits you.

    I like it I admit, but it looks like its something she prefers since i have never suggested this, I even tell her before I come so she knows and is able to avoid it .. but she doesnt.
    again, Im the bad guy...


  • #81
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Potatoeman wrote: »
    There are loads of threads on here where guys complain about sexless marriages and many of them seem to start before marriage. If your sexlife is bad now, what so you think will happen in the long run? You mentioned she never climaxed, was this just with you? Maybe get her to pleasure herself in front of you to to see what she likes.


    She said it doesnt bother her and she only gets an O with masturbaing.
    I was trying really hard many things but no results so far... Maybe i could try more things/get better with it with her if we did this more then once every blue moon.
    That might be the root of our sex problem.
    And yeah, she is on the pill for a very long time too. Maybe its the sex drive.


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  • #82
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Maybe its the sex drive.

    Or maybe it's just you, because right now you come across as a horrible creep with an awful attitude to your girlfriend. All your responses to crticism so far have been to act like people pointing out your issues are the ones in the wrong, but really, they're right and you should be listening and addressing your behaviour.


  • #83
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    I can't believe some of the posts you're writing now OP seriously. Like gross.

    Exactly what advice are you looking for here?


  • #84
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    She is caring (always asks me how was work), when i have health problems she brings me medication,she gave me massages from time to time, she always invites my to go somewhere she is heading with(out) friends, she is very affectionate, she is fair about splitting/paying for dinners, she is giving in terms of little gifts from time to time to remind me she thinks of me and she swallows :) LOL when we have sex (once a month)

    there could be more but that is what i remember right now thinking about it...

    Ugh you're just gross. And you're one to talk about being disrespected. If your girlfriend ever saw how you've written about her here I suspect she would run for the hills, and rightly so.


  • #85
    dudara
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 33,518 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    A warning to posters - please refrain from attacking the other posters and remember to post constructively and on topic.

    dudara


  • #86
    nozipcode
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 137 ✭✭nozipcode


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I like it I admit, but it looks like its something she prefers since i have never suggested this, I even tell her before I come so she knows and is able to avoid it .. but she doesnt.
    again, Im the bad guy...



    Yes, but you're only the bad guy for letting the world know she swallows. Pretty ****t thing to say about your GF!

    Cannot you not see how disrespectful to her it is to tell the world what you get up to in bed????


  • #87
    K_P
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    From your overly detailed account of a bad night out 3 months ago to you getting dragged into all sorts of tangents with other posters here, I get the feeling that you quite like an argument OP. You've been given very constructive advice and asked to reflect on your relationship. All very valid to me, but you're not taking it on board.

    This relationship seems doomed in that you seem fundamentally incompatible. Incompatibility is not a matter of who's right and who's wrong, it just means you're not suited. You won't "win" this argument with your girlfriend, whatever that could possibly mean at this stage. But you'll keep losing every day if you stay in a relationship that makes you so unhappy. Sadly though, I get the feeling you'd rather be right than be happy.


  • #88
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Telling bunch of strangers my gf swallows is disrespectful? Do you know her? Does she knows you? You will never met her and dont even know her and yet you are saying what a bad guy am I.

    I can understand what you saying if i d tell that to people who knows her or knows us. but to bunch of strangers? i dont get it... Did what I just tell you affect/hurt her in any way? It doesnt so, therefore I do not agree with you...

    And to people saying its gross. For some it is for some it isnt... people do in badroom far more gross things... i thing its a natural thing, why not if both people in relationship like it right...

    And i did realize i f****d up that night too and that we are both responsible, and I admit it but some of you still want to crucify me . I dont know why I still getting the heat for that...


  • #89
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Telling bunch of strangers my gf swallows is disrespectful? Do you know her? Does she knows you? You will never met her and dont even know her and yet you are saying what a bad guy am I.

    OP I'm assuming you are in Ireland. If so, you should know what a small place it is and boards.ie is widely known and read. There's always a chance that someone who knows you or your girlfriend and knows that ye spent a drama-filled nye in a hotel in the mountains. They could easily will stumble upon this thread and put two and two together. (I came across a friend recently on boards anonymously that I recognized solely by his style of writing.) Therefore putting personal details about her swallowing can be construed as disrespectful, crude and plain wrong.

    On another note, I'm with the other posters when I say that chances are your relationship is doomed to fail. Yes, love counts for something but when I say I love I mean I love everything about my bf even his faults (even when he annoys the head off me). I don't hold something he did three months ago against him, I don't go running to his mam when he hasn't showered- if anything I protect him from criticism. Love isn't wanting to change a person or sulking the whole night when they go against your ideals or creating a drama at a family event (I get that she participated in this too). Respect is a big part of a relationship and from your one-sided account it doesn't seem that either of you have any respect for each other.

    It's your first relationship, I get the wanting to hold on to it but when two people are bad for each other they are better off apart than together and given what you've said you sound bad for each other.


  • #90
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    nothappy1 wrote: »

    And to people saying its gross. For some it is for some it isnt... people do in badroom far more gross things... i thing its a natural thing, why not if both people in relationship like it right.....

    Nobody is saying the act is gross, each to their own. What's gross is you having such blatant disrespect for your girlfriend in telling us that and the irony that you started this thread because you yourself felt disrespected. And it doesn't matter that we here don't know her. I could scream from an intercom in a crowded shopping centre in the middle of Kentucky that my boyfriend is an asshole or something to that effect, just because nobody there knows me doesn't mean that it wouldnt be disrespectful to my boyfriend and a trashy thing to do. You honestly need to cop on.


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  • #91
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Op, if one of the best things you can say about her is that she swallows, that really says it all. That's hardly the foundation of a good relationship.

    You speak about disrespect. You're worse than she is. You started that ridiculous argument by telling her family that she refused to shower. She's not five years old, and it's her choice whether or not to shower. You completely humiliated and embarrassed her!

    And now, you tell people on the internet that she swallows.

    Seriously? If my boyfriend EVER spoke about me like that, even on an anonymous site like boards or reddit, he'd be dumped.

    You can't change her, and it's not something you have any right to try to do. Accept her the way she is, or leave her to find someone else.


  • #92
    irishdude11
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭irishdude11


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    When i said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about' she was the only one to hear that. i never said 'you have to shower/ go to shower/i demand you go to shower'
    I only ask her 'arent you going to shower? and when she said no, I said thats strange since you expect from me to be in a suit and look my best... and that was it!
    Again I was not going to her mother or anyone with the PURPOSE to tell she is not going to shower. They asked my where is she and i said she is not ready, and she is not even willing to shower. Yes, that was a mistake that I regret, but it wasnt as melicious as some of you think it actually was.
    And it was her mothers decision to go to her room after that to tell her to shower, not my demand...

    You should she is not even willing to shower, the implication being that she needed to have a shower and she wouldn't....you actually called into question your gf's personal hygiene in front of a group of people. Extremely disrespectful, is she supposed to sit around the table where you have just insulted her personal hygiene to the people present? She must have felt totally humiliated attending the dinner after you said that, and having had her mother come in to pressure her to have a shower and everyone knowing about it.


  • #93
    meeeeh
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Well in fairness her hygiene was a bit questionable. Slow food I know is usually very formal and I can understand why op would expect his gf to shower. I would have the same expectation, this didn't seem exactly a boozy party in the mountains where you drink JD from bottle and throw up in the snow.

    Op I don't think you got the validation you were hoping for. And with any reply you make you are digging even deeper.I don't know, maybe this is all coming across wrong but you seem like someone who is extremely hard work in a relationship. Iinstead of arguing here and trying to justify your behaviour you should probably just consider weather you are prepared to let go and forget about a spat that really wasn't a big deal. I also think that you are a bit of a jealous type and maybe you should consider weather you would be better suited to a quiter girl.


  • #94
    orthsquel
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 563 ✭✭✭orthsquel


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
    I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.

    A relationship is not like a task or a project whereby abandoning it leaves waste to the effort. It would not be a waste of time, a waste of effort, money, emotion, etc to end the relationship. Not when the relationship sounds like you are unhappy and are unprepared to address it in a realistic way. What you get in ending it is something to grow from, a new perspective about yourself, what you really want in a relationship, what your expectations are in relationships, who you are as a person, what your standards are, etc.

    Parts in your posts paint you as a very, very insecure person and I can understand that what efforts you have made in this first ever relationship, you don't want it to be for nothing. You sound to me like a person where the principle of an issue matters more than anything else. Like with this new years night, nearly four months on and it's still a matter of principle, it's still about getting your gf to apologise to you and the point of getting an apology and it sounds to me like your gf has instead of ever admitting to you (even if she has admitted to herself) about being in the wrong because it is something you have and are going to bring up again with her (and countless times thereafter, even when you break up you will still be looking for the apology for that night above all else) she is just going to dig her heels in further and be stubborn and never provide an apology just to spite you.

    It realistically does not matter how much effort you have put into the relationship if you are unhappy in a relationship - no effort big or small is worth clinging desperately in a relationship to, just because you don't want it to be for nothing - then you either need to take on suggestions Big Bag of Chips and Strobe both made in regards to talking with your gf and see how you both feel about the relationship and move on from it, or realise that no matter how much you try to clutch onto this first relationship and the effort you have made it is likely going to fail. It's failing now because as others have said, you aren't compatible, you don't seem to really like or respect eachother, and the relationship has come to the point where you are barely on speaking terms; if you continue it will fail because of your own behaviour in clutching to something too hard that it will push her away from you altogether as well as being too demanding on an apology over a trivial (in a realistic perspective) matter just because the point of getting an apology matters more to you than the actual relationship does. Not only that but perhaps your gf's eyes have been opened about who you really are and what you're really like based on that new years eve and how you have treated her since and maybe your own behaviour has changed her perception completely and is unsure of being in a relationship with you.

    It is absolutely within your control about your perception of your gf, that evening altered your perception of her and you can either accept what you now see of her, still have a chat with her about the relationship in general or end it because she's not what you thought she was. If you continue on that part of you, that part of your personality that will always want to be right, that will always demand an apology and that will cling to the principle of an issue - like as I said above, the point of getting an apology matters more to you than the actual relationship does - will be an issue in this relationship and in every other relationship. that is something you need to look into yourself about and ask yourself if really the issue of getting an apology or being right really is to you more important than a person you supposedly love, care about and in a relationship with? And while you ponder that, you should ask yourself if staying in an unhappy relationship with someone you don't like just because you're insecure, clutching to a first relationship in an emotionally immature basis and way when it might not be healthy for you, really the right thing to do to yourself?


  • #95
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I have NEVER said to her she own me an apology, but i admit i thought she did till i open this thread! She said it herself. 'i wont apologize' when we were discussing that night the next day. You know what i said to her after that? i do not want you to apologize me! its the truth if you believe it or not. it is... i said that because i know it wont end well otherwise...

    What bothers me is my perception and disapointment... i thought we are more than what we have showed to each other that night. And again, i do admit i was as guilty as her!

    i also think that night was just an icing on the cake. The cake full of unsatisfying needs on my behalf (sex only once a month even tho we talked about it how to change things for the better several times, but she has made ZERO effort to actually do it) and realization we are not what I have thought we are for so long...


  • #96
    Meauldsegosha
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,604 ✭✭✭Meauldsegosha


    OP did you write about this girl before http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=94697364#post94697364


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  • #97
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    ??? no, this is my first and only thread


  • #98
    Gordon
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 35,524 ✭✭✭✭Gordon


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    ??? no, this is my first and only thread
    Are you living in/posting from Ireland? Is your girlfriend Irish?


  • #99
    wbt
    Registered Users Posts: 34 ✭wbt


    giggle84 wrote: »
    OP you have a victim complex. If she's a bad girlfriend then break up with her. You can't make people change for you if they don't want to.

    This thread is going around in circles and you don't seem to be taking anything from the responses people have taken the time to write.

    Yes I agree he has a victim complex. My ex had the same. By the end of the relationship, I absolutely hated myself. He saw himself as the perfect boyfriend, whereas I was a crappy girlfriend (to him). He constantly listed all the things he did for me and said how little I did for him, but conveniently forgot all the stuff I had done. Like, he went on and on about how little I cooked compared to him, but did not acknowledge that we hung out with his mates every Friday night even though I don't enjoy drinking/pubs much, or that every single NYE we did what HE wanted, which was go and get drunk with his mates (he never even asked if I wanted to do something just the two of us). He said I didn't seem to care about him, but conveniently overlooked the fact that I moved back to Ireland for him and turned down numerous career opportunities to be with him. I had some long term health problems and leaned on him a lot for support, which he found draining, but he wouldn't tell me any of his own worries or issues, so I couldn't support him when I wanted to.

    People like you are really good at saying how you're so much better than your partner, but I'm sure she could come here and list all the annoying things you do/say and list all the things she's done for you. And, as others have said, if you really do believe she's a rubbish girlfriend, why are you with her? It's not fair to string someone along if you don't like or respect them.


  • #100
    zeffabelli
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,516 ✭✭✭zeffabelli


    You are evaluating an entire relationship on one night, and so is everyone here. What is your sense of the wider context of how you relate to each other?

    THis is a general habit on PI, selective representations, extracted from a wider series of experiences.

    You see her differently and you will again...why? Because you will change and she will change...we all change and so do our perceptions.

    Your real question is can you accept her for what she is and will be or will you fight against the ideal of whom you want her to be?


  • #101
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,447 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    wbt wrote: »
    Yes I agree he has a victim complex. My ex had the same. By the end of the relationship, I absolutely hated myself. He saw himself as the perfect boyfriend, whereas I was a crappy girlfriend (to him). He constantly listed all the things he did for me and said how little I did for him, but conveniently forgot all the stuff I had done. Like, he went on and on about how little I cooked compared to him, but did not acknowledge that we hung out with his mates every Friday night even though I don't enjoy drinking/pubs much, or that every single NYE we did what HE wanted, which was go and get drunk with his mates (he never even asked if I wanted to do something just the two of us). He said I didn't seem to care about him, but conveniently overlooked the fact that I moved back to Ireland for him and turned down numerous career opportunities to be with him. I had some long term health problems and leaned on him a lot for support, which he found draining, but he wouldn't tell me any of his own worries or issues, so I couldn't support him when I wanted to.

    People like you are really good at saying how you're so much better than your partner, but I'm sure she could come here and list all the annoying things you do/say and list all the things she's done for you. And, as others have said, if you really do believe she's a rubbish girlfriend, why are you with her? It's not fair to string someone along if you don't like or respect them.

    Sounds like you were taking more than giving. Going out with someones mates should not be a chore and an excuse for expecting them to do all the cooking.


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