Do you disrespect someone you love like this?

irishdude11

nothappy1 wrote: »

When i said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about' she was the only one to hear that. i never said 'you have to shower/ go to shower/i demand you go to shower'
I only ask her 'arent you going to shower? and when she said no, I said thats strange since you expect from me to be in a suit and look my best... and that was it!
Again I was not going to her mother or anyone with the PURPOSE to tell she is not going to shower. They asked my where is she and i said she is not ready, and she is not even willing to shower. Yes, that was a mistake that I regret, but it wasnt as melicious as some of you think it actually was.
And it was her mothers decision to go to her room after that to tell her to shower, not my demand...

You should she is not even willing to shower, the implication being that she needed to have a shower and she wouldn't....you actually called into question your gf's personal hygiene in front of a group of people. Extremely disrespectful, is she supposed to sit around the table where you have just insulted her personal hygiene to the people present? She must have felt totally humiliated attending the dinner after you said that, and having had her mother come in to pressure her to have a shower and everyone knowing about it.

meeeeh

Well in fairness her hygiene was a bit questionable. Slow food I know is usually very formal and I can understand why op would expect his gf to shower. I would have the same expectation, this didn't seem exactly a boozy party in the mountains where you drink JD from bottle and throw up in the snow.

Op I don't think you got the validation you were hoping for. And with any reply you make you are digging even deeper.I don't know, maybe this is all coming across wrong but you seem like someone who is extremely hard work in a relationship. Iinstead of arguing here and trying to justify your behaviour you should probably just consider weather you are prepared to let go and forget about a spat that really wasn't a big deal. I also think that you are a bit of a jealous type and maybe you should consider weather you would be better suited to a quiter girl.

orthsquel

nothappy1 wrote: »

I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.

A relationship is not like a task or a project whereby abandoning it leaves waste to the effort. It would not be a waste of time, a waste of effort, money, emotion, etc to end the relationship. Not when the relationship sounds like you are unhappy and are unprepared to address it in a realistic way. What you get in ending it is something to grow from, a new perspective about yourself, what you really want in a relationship, what your expectations are in relationships, who you are as a person, what your standards are, etc.

Parts in your posts paint you as a very, very insecure person and I can understand that what efforts you have made in this first ever relationship, you don't want it to be for nothing. You sound to me like a person where the principle of an issue matters more than anything else. Like with this new years night, nearly four months on and it's still a matter of principle, it's still about getting your gf to apologise to you and the point of getting an apology and it sounds to me like your gf has instead of ever admitting to you (even if she has admitted to herself) about being in the wrong because it is something you have and are going to bring up again with her (and countless times thereafter, even when you break up you will still be looking for the apology for that night above all else) she is just going to dig her heels in further and be stubborn and never provide an apology just to spite you.

It realistically does not matter how much effort you have put into the relationship if you are unhappy in a relationship - no effort big or small is worth clinging desperately in a relationship to, just because you don't want it to be for nothing - then you either need to take on suggestions Big Bag of Chips and Strobe both made in regards to talking with your gf and see how you both feel about the relationship and move on from it, or realise that no matter how much you try to clutch onto this first relationship and the effort you have made it is likely going to fail. It's failing now because as others have said, you aren't compatible, you don't seem to really like or respect eachother, and the relationship has come to the point where you are barely on speaking terms; if you continue it will fail because of your own behaviour in clutching to something too hard that it will push her away from you altogether as well as being too demanding on an apology over a trivial (in a realistic perspective) matter just because the point of getting an apology matters more to you than the actual relationship does. Not only that but perhaps your gf's eyes have been opened about who you really are and what you're really like based on that new years eve and how you have treated her since and maybe your own behaviour has changed her perception completely and is unsure of being in a relationship with you.

It is absolutely within your control about your perception of your gf, that evening altered your perception of her and you can either accept what you now see of her, still have a chat with her about the relationship in general or end it because she's not what you thought she was. If you continue on that part of you, that part of your personality that will always want to be right, that will always demand an apology and that will cling to the principle of an issue - like as I said above, the point of getting an apology matters more to you than the actual relationship does - will be an issue in this relationship and in every other relationship. that is something you need to look into yourself about and ask yourself if really the issue of getting an apology or being right really is to you more important than a person you supposedly love, care about and in a relationship with? And while you ponder that, you should ask yourself if staying in an unhappy relationship with someone you don't like just because you're insecure, clutching to a first relationship in an emotionally immature basis and way when it might not be healthy for you, really the right thing to do to yourself?

nothappy1

I have NEVER said to her she own me an apology, but i admit i thought she did till i open this thread! She said it herself. 'i wont apologize' when we were discussing that night the next day. You know what i said to her after that? i do not want you to apologize me! its the truth if you believe it or not. it is... i said that because i know it wont end well otherwise...

What bothers me is my perception and disapointment... i thought we are more than what we have showed to each other that night. And again, i do admit i was as guilty as her!

i also think that night was just an icing on the cake. The cake full of unsatisfying needs on my behalf (sex only once a month even tho we talked about it how to change things for the better several times, but she has made ZERO effort to actually do it) and realization we are not what I have thought we are for so long...

Meauldsegosha

OP did you write about this girl before http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=94697364#post94697364

nothappy1

??? no, this is my first and only thread

Gordon

nothappy1 wrote: »

??? no, this is my first and only thread

Are you living in/posting from Ireland? Is your girlfriend Irish?

wbt

giggle84 wrote: »

OP you have a victim complex. If she's a bad girlfriend then break up with her. You can't make people change for you if they don't want to.

This thread is going around in circles and you don't seem to be taking anything from the responses people have taken the time to write.

Yes I agree he has a victim complex. My ex had the same. By the end of the relationship, I absolutely hated myself. He saw himself as the perfect boyfriend, whereas I was a crappy girlfriend (to him). He constantly listed all the things he did for me and said how little I did for him, but conveniently forgot all the stuff I had done. Like, he went on and on about how little I cooked compared to him, but did not acknowledge that we hung out with his mates every Friday night even though I don't enjoy drinking/pubs much, or that every single NYE we did what HE wanted, which was go and get drunk with his mates (he never even asked if I wanted to do something just the two of us). He said I didn't seem to care about him, but conveniently overlooked the fact that I moved back to Ireland for him and turned down numerous career opportunities to be with him. I had some long term health problems and leaned on him a lot for support, which he found draining, but he wouldn't tell me any of his own worries or issues, so I couldn't support him when I wanted to.

People like you are really good at saying how you're so much better than your partner, but I'm sure she could come here and list all the annoying things you do/say and list all the things she's done for you. And, as others have said, if you really do believe she's a rubbish girlfriend, why are you with her? It's not fair to string someone along if you don't like or respect them.

zeffabelli

You are evaluating an entire relationship on one night, and so is everyone here. What is your sense of the wider context of how you relate to each other?

THis is a general habit on PI, selective representations, extracted from a wider series of experiences.

You see her differently and you will again...why? Because you will change and she will change...we all change and so do our perceptions.

Your real question is can you accept her for what she is and will be or will you fight against the ideal of whom you want her to be?

Potatoeman

wbt wrote: »

Yes I agree he has a victim complex. My ex had the same. By the end of the relationship, I absolutely hated myself. He saw himself as the perfect boyfriend, whereas I was a crappy girlfriend (to him). He constantly listed all the things he did for me and said how little I did for him, but conveniently forgot all the stuff I had done. Like, he went on and on about how little I cooked compared to him, but did not acknowledge that we hung out with his mates every Friday night even though I don't enjoy drinking/pubs much, or that every single NYE we did what HE wanted, which was go and get drunk with his mates (he never even asked if I wanted to do something just the two of us). He said I didn't seem to care about him, but conveniently overlooked the fact that I moved back to Ireland for him and turned down numerous career opportunities to be with him. I had some long term health problems and leaned on him a lot for support, which he found draining, but he wouldn't tell me any of his own worries or issues, so I couldn't support him when I wanted to.

People like you are really good at saying how you're so much better than your partner, but I'm sure she could come here and list all the annoying things you do/say and list all the things she's done for you. And, as others have said, if you really do believe she's a rubbish girlfriend, why are you with her? It's not fair to string someone along if you don't like or respect them.

Sounds like you were taking more than giving. Going out with someones mates should not be a chore and an excuse for expecting them to do all the cooking.

giggle84

Potatoeman wrote: »

Sounds like you were taking more than giving. Going out with someones mates should not be a chore and an excuse for expecting them to do all the cooking.

I don't think that's fair she was just quoting a couple of examples!

Potatoeman

giggle84 wrote: »

I don't think that's fair she was just quoting a couple of examples!

They did not make a very convincing arguement though.

wbt

Potatoeman wrote: »

Sounds like you were taking more than giving. Going out with someones mates should not be a chore and an excuse for expecting them to do all the cooking.

I maybe was at the end, but I had quite a few health issues which totally knocked the wind out of my sails. The point is that I'd made some pretty major sacrifices to be with him, turning down job opportunities and so on, which he didn't acknowledge, he chose to focus on the little everyday things. Likewise, I suffered pretty badly with social anxiety at the time and going out with his mates WAS a chore, particularly as a lot of them are quite loud and obnoxious, but he never appreciated how much effort I made to go out. He never once asked what I wanted to do for NYE, he just expected me to go out with him and his massive gang of mates without considering that I might have wanted to spend it just the two of us, or do something with my friends or family. He often declined to come to my family gatherings because he found my family stressful, but he couldn't see that I felt the same about his, yet I made the effort.

To be honest, the alarm bells should have rung at the beginning when he went on and on about how his ex took him for granted and he did all these lovely things for her and she didn't appreciate him. Of course, I thought 'oh what a horrible girlfriend', as I couldn't believe how attentive and amazing he was, always telling me I was beautiful and amazing and insisting on cooking for me all the time. The thing is that he seems to have a martyr/victim/nice guy complex where he smothers the girl in love and attention and does everything for her then feels hard done by when he perceives he's putting in more than he's getting out or that he's not getting enough praise. He has a new girlfriend now and has told me he reacts with surprise when she says nice things to him, making her think I must have treated him really badly. Well, he did exactly the same to me at the beginning! 'Oh X never would have said that' or 'You make me feel sexy and X never did'. It seem to be a pattern with him. He puts the girl on a pedestal at the beginning, insists on doing everything for her to the point where she's dependent on him and feels a bit helpless, then gets resentful and finds another girl who he perceives as being grateful enough. I think it's a self-esteem thing - he doesn't feel worthy of the girl, so he does 'things' for her to make her like him.

Potatoeman

wbt wrote: »

I maybe was at the end, but I had quite a few health issues which totally knocked the wind out of my sails. The point is that I'd made some pretty major sacrifices to be with him, turning down job opportunities and so on, which he didn't acknowledge, he chose to focus on the little everyday things. Likewise, I suffered pretty badly with social anxiety at the time and going out with his mates WAS a chore, particularly as a lot of them are quite loud and obnoxious, but he never appreciated how much effort I made to go out. He never once asked what I wanted to do for NYE, he just expected me to go out with him and his massive gang of mates without considering that I might have wanted to spend it just the two of us, or do something with my friends or family. He often declined to come to my family gatherings because he found my family stressful, but he couldn't see that I felt the same about his, yet I made the effort.

To be honest, the alarm bells should have rung at the beginning when he went on and on about how his ex took him for granted and he did all these lovely things for her and she didn't appreciate him. Of course, I thought 'oh what a horrible girlfriend', as I couldn't believe how attentive and amazing he was, always telling me I was beautiful and amazing and insisting on cooking for me all the time. The thing is that he seems to have a martyr/victim/nice guy complex where he smothers the girl in love and attention and does everything for her then feels hard done by when he perceives he's putting in more than he's getting out or that he's not getting enough praise. He has a new girlfriend now and has told me he reacts with surprise when she says nice things to him, making her think I must have treated him really badly. Well, he did exactly the same to me at the beginning! 'Oh X never would have said that' or 'You make me feel sexy and X never did'. It seem to be a pattern with him. He puts the girl on a pedestal at the beginning, insists on doing everything for her to the point where she's dependent on him and feels a bit helpless, then gets resentful and finds another girl who he perceives as being grateful enough. I think it's a self-este
em thing - he doesn't feel worthy of the girl, so he does 'things' for her to
make her like him.

You call it a victim/martyr complex but if he put in a huge amount of effort and felt it was not returned is it really all that surprising that it was an issue after the honeymoon period?

Tokyo

Ok guys, it seems that we are beginning to stray off topic here. If posts could be limited to advising the OP on their issue, it would be appreciated.

Regards,
~Mike

wbt

Potatoeman wrote: »

You call it a victim/martyr complex but if he put in a huge amount of effort and felt it was not returned is it really all that surprising that it was an issue after the honeymoon period?

As I said, I put loads of effort in in other ways. He just didn't recognise it as that. He went away to work for a year (very far away) not long after we got together, leaving me back home. He didn't once consider rethinking his plans and staying at home. I was loyal, faithful and gave up masses of time to keep the relationship going. I went over to visit him twice, made all the arrangements to do so and paid for it all myself. A few years later we both wanted to do a professional course (we work in the same area) and he insisted on doing it first as he didn't want both of us to do it as the same time. No discussion regarding me doing it first. This meant having little money (we lived together), he was never free, I had to go on holiday alone as he couldn't spare the time. When he got promoted, he announced that he'd probably be moving abroad within a few years to work at head office, no consultation with me about whether I was happy to move. These are big things. Yes, I was lazy around the house (as I said, I was ill), but I gave up LOADS to be with him and it wasn't appreciated. Yes, he did a lot for me, but I did a lot for him too. I just didn't constantly remind him of it and make him feel guilty.

Potatoeman

wbt wrote: »

As I said, I put loads of effort in in other ways. He just didn't recognise it as that. He went away to work for a year (very far away) not long after we got together, leaving me back home. He didn't once consider rethinking his plans and staying at home. I was loyal, faithful and gave up masses of time to keep the relationship going. I went over to visit him twice, made all the arrangements to do so and paid for it all myself. A few years later we both wanted to do a professional course (we work in the same area) and he insisted on doing it first as he didn't want both of us to do it as the same time. No discussion regarding me doing it first. This meant having little money (we lived together), he was never free, I had to go on holiday alone as he couldn't spare the time. When he got promoted, he announced that he'd probably be moving abroad within a few years to work at head office, no consultation with me about whether I was happy to move. These are big things. Yes, I was lazy around the house (as I said, I was ill), but I gave up LOADS to be with him and it wasn't appreciated. Yes, he did a lot for me, but I did a lot for him too. I just didn't constantly remind him of it and make him feel guilty.

Fair enough. I dont want to derail the thead. Your first post had me scratching my head.

Tokyo

wbt, Potatoeman, considering I've already posted one mod warning, should you derail the thread any further and I will be asking you not to post in this thread again. Responses to the OP's issue please.