The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

04-02-2015 07:50AM

blueser wrote: »

So "funny" it bears repeating, eh?

It's the "boards.ie" duplicator at work, I wish it worked for money as well. :pac:

Cheese Wagstaff · 04-02-2015 10:43AM

A man walks into a pub. There's a great atmosphere inside: crackling fire, beer flowing, and musical entertainment provided by a local piano player in the corner.

The man sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. As the barman is getting his change, the man decides to take his first sip. Out of nowhere, a monkey in a tuxedo drops from the rafters, swipes the pint and runs to the opposite end of the counter. The man follows him to get it back but to no avail, as the monkey drinks the pint in one gulp before his eyes.

Outraged, the man beckons the barman over. "That monkey has just taken my drink! Why is a monkey in the pub anyway?". The barman apologizes and advises that the monkey belongs to the piano player, and he should air his grievances with him.

The man walks over to the corner of the pub still very annoyed, and taps the piano player on the shoulder. "Do you know your monkey just stole my pint?".

The piano player replies "I'm afraid that I don't, but if you hum it I'll give it a go!".

blueser · 04-02-2015 06:34PM

Deleted User wrote: »

It's the "boards.ie" duplicator at work, I wish it worked for money as well. :pac:

What; there's money to be made on here? Where do I sign up?

tayto lover · 04-02-2015 08:53PM

Myself and the wife were in Dunnes Stores the other day when out of the blue she said I was the laziest man she ever met.
I was so shocked i nearly fell out of the bloody trolley.

thedooner · 05-02-2015 03:07AM

Mary, a shy virgin was discussing her worries about her upcoming marriage to Paddy, with the parish priest. "He dropped his trousers last night Father... he has a thing between his legs that I never saw the likes of before". "Sure that's only his penis Mary". "But father there's a purple knob on it". "That's just the head of the penis Mary". "Yeah, but then Father, about 14 inches back from the purple knob there's two big round things. What are they Father?" "Well for your sake Mary, I hope they're the cheeks of his arse".

MonkieSocks · 05-02-2015 07:45PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind Man", replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Flood · 06-02-2015 01:28AM

I was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and i said, "you remind me of my little toe" she said "is that because I'm small and cute?"
I replied "no", its because Im probably gonna bang you on my coffee table.

AlanS181824 · 06-02-2015 02:24AM

An old one but still funny!

I'm really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying: "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommateis too selfish to notice. He's always crying!

Curly Judge · 06-02-2015 11:55AM

New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short
skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never saw the glass coming

rolliepoley · 06-02-2015 02:12PM

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me, because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."...!!

rolliepoley · 07-02-2015 08:21PM

I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the barber said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?"

I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please."

So he put on a parka and said, "Alright knobhead."

rolliepoley · 07-02-2015 08:32PM

Dear Justin Beiber haters,
I owe my life to Justin.
On July 5th 2014, I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio on to Justin's song.
So I got up, and turned the fcuking thing off.

Curly Judge · 09-02-2015 01:21PM

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Curly Judge · 09-02-2015 01:21PM

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Ihatecuddles · 09-02-2015 01:58PM

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?", he replied, "Look what it did to those knickers!!!"

kfallon · 09-02-2015 02:04PM

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night!

She nearly had my fúckin' eye out!!!

eamonnq · 09-02-2015 02:27PM

kfallon wrote: »

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night!

She nearly had my fúckin' eye out!!!

Deaf or dumb ?

Capt'n Midnight · 10-02-2015 12:39AM

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.

foxy farmer · 10-02-2015 02:00AM

Jim Farrell got a well paying job in pharmaceuticals in the States. He discovered a new rejuvenating drug that reversed the aging process.
He sent a letter home to his mother enclosing a course of the new drug.
" Read the instructions before taking these. Can't wait to see the changes. I'll be home in 6 months."
6 months passed and Jim landed at Dublin Airport. Through the waiting throng in the arrival hall came a stunning woman pushing a buggy. "Jim don't you recognise me? I'm your mother. I took one of the pills and look at me.!
"I can see that " he said "but what's that in the buggy?"
"Aaamm that's your father, he took 2 pills!"

rolliepoley · 13-02-2015 04:24PM

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy.

JohnDx · 13-02-2015 04:31PM

What do you call a dog with no legs.

..... It doesn't matter; its not going to come.

rolliepoley · 13-02-2015 04:35PM

They say an Irishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second time a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

ScummyMan · 14-02-2015 01:34AM

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

eisenberg1 · 14-02-2015 11:23AM

rolliepoley wrote: »

They say an Irishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second time a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.

Who says that?

Comer1 · 14-02-2015 01:13PM

JohnDx wrote: »

What do you call a dog with no legs.

..... It doesn't matter; its not going to come.

Call him "Major," you can take him for a drag every day.

blueser · 14-02-2015 05:33PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Who says that?

"They".

eisenberg1 · 14-02-2015 07:03PM

blueser wrote: »

"They".

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

Captain Snow · 14-02-2015 07:18PM

Bacon is bacon, eggs is eggs, don’t let him between your legs he says your cute he says your fine 9 months later he says that’s not mine!

God made rivers, god made lakes, god made you, we all make mistakes.

Roses are Red, Black is Black, Come to my House, I'll sell some Crack.

Roses are red, I have a phone, nobody texts me Forever Alone.

Roses are blue Violets are red I've got this wrong So lets go to bed.

Roses are awful, Violets are the pits, Lift up your shirt, And show us your ****.

Dimes are silver, nickels are brass, why does you face look like your ass.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

blueser · 14-02-2015 08:07PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

To be fair, it isn't THAT much worse than some of the stuff that's been posted on here. Go back a few pages to the great debate about an '8' being a '0' with a belt on. As Quint said in Jaws; "Jesus H Christ"!

scottmcb04 · 14-02-2015 08:37PM

eisenberg1 wrote: »

You wouldn't mind too much if it was remotely funny.

maybe ya just don't get it yet... wait a week!

I agree it's a terrible joke!

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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