RSVPS / Taking offence

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:44PM

Thanks everyone, I definitely appreciate the honest and straight forward responses. I think I needed to just get told exactly how it is.
At the end of the day, my own and my partners immediate family are coming, that's what's most important to me.

Sunny Dayz · 18-11-2014 12:44PM

What's the age profile of your guests? Are they all immediate family? Are your friends all young, single, paired off, engaged, kids? If they have kids, might be difficult to take them out of school in June. Single person would obviously cost a lot more to them.
Also, on the run up to Christmas people don't have the time to think about hols next year. It really does depend on how they get over Christmas finance wise and what their pay packets are like at the end of Jan. Also, in some work places, the holiday rota doesn't go up until the new year so they can't be guaranteed the time off.

As someone else had said, you should have sent out save the date cards. Have you been chatting to your invited guests before invites were sent out to gauge who would be able to attend or not? You seem to be quite surprised that so many cannot attend or have given no indication.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:46PM

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

What's the age profile of your guests? Are they all immediate family? Are your friends all young, single, paired off, engaged, kids? If they have kids, might be difficult to take them out of school in June. Single person would obviously cost a lot more to them.
Also, on the run up to Christmas people don't have the time to think about hols next year. It really does depend on how they get over Christmas finance wise and what their pay packets are like at the end of Jan. Also, in some work places, the holiday rota doesn't go up until the new year so they can't be guaranteed the time off.

As someone else had said, you should have sent out save the date cards. Have you been chatting to your invited guests before invites were sent out to gauge who would be able to attend or not? You seem to be quite surprised that so many cannot attend or have given no indication.

I don't think it's that I'm surprised, I think I just take it too personally which I know is so stupid believe me!

sillysmiles · 18-11-2014 12:51PM

A close friend of mine was getting married in April one year. The previous June she text me to book my hotel room for her wedding as the hotel were putting pressure on her. I didn't. To me that was way to far away to make that decision and I had lots of other things that needed to be dealt with first including a family wedding. Sometimes when you are trying to be helpful and give people lots of time, it actually has the opposite affect as I ended up feeling that there was no way I'd be able to know how we would be set that far in advance.

lazeedaisy · 18-11-2014 12:58PM

You just needed to take a step back.

people have a lot going on, your wedding takes precedence for you and it's all you can think about.

As for big and small holidays, strange Celtic tiger phenomenon, no one goes abroad for a small holiday anymore, I have not had a small or a big one in years.

Christmas, water charges, child care costs, living is expensive an asking people to plan so far in advance is sensible for you but not practical anymore.

A non response is not a no, its usually a not sure.

Why do you need to know, because if its for flight booking, send people the details same with hotel, leave the option with them without having to control it.

From someone who has been there, it's not controllable, give it up to them and leave well enough alone until a lot closer to the date.

You know the term bridezilla was coined for a reason, don't sweat the small stuff, and be rational, it's about what you are doing not anything else.

When I got married too many personalities got involved and forgot the purpose.

Its a great time in your life, don't take anything personally as its never about you. Expectations get in the way, go have a fab holiday but don't forget about those who just cannot make it.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 01:04PM

A wedding abroad is something I would only attend for a very close family member or friend. I don't want to take my holidays because someone else decided to get married to save a few quid. A wedding abroad is a lot of hassle and expense for many people. Giving me loads of notice isn't really going to make a difference either.

eviltwin · 18-11-2014 01:06PM

SarahJ wrote: »

I don't think it's that I'm surprised, I think I just take it too personally which I know is so stupid believe me!

Put yourself in your guests shoes for a moment. This is a big deal to you but not to them and its a really bad time of year with Christmas a few weeks away, money issues with that and other things. You can't expect an answer just like that.

razorblunt · 18-11-2014 01:11PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Well that's silly of course not. But I have been to country weddings etc and have paid as much as it would cost to come to mine. I asked people a year in advance so that they have a chance to save etc, and decide to make it their holiday.

And also, I know I'm being ridiculous being offended, I know this believe me, it's just really hard not to be

I think you can't force people to make it their holiday. They might not want to go to that country for x amount of days, take the decline and move on.

January · 18-11-2014 01:36PM

I wouldn't take no reply as a no... In fact, that's the worst thing you can do!

Anyone that hasn't replied has received a text or an email from me asking them if they received the invite and if they could let me know asap if they are able to attend or not as because our wedding is NYE the hotel are looking for definite numbers earlier so they can have enough staff working.

But our wedding is 6 weeks away now, not 7 months!

Neyite · 18-11-2014 03:24PM

SarahJ wrote: »

In case people wanted to make it their hollier as well, so before they booked their big hollier

But not everyone has a big holiday every year.
Some people may not be able to plan that far ahead. What if someone got pregnant in the meantime and couldnt fly? Or by that stage had even a newborn to care for? Or maybe someone might be getting investigative tests and on a waiting list for an operation so cant commit because they don't know yet when they will be recuperating.

What if their workplace dont allow annual leave bookings until the January or February of the leave year? Or until the manager schedules important projects? Or if someone changes jobs? Or their partner does?

There really are so many variables, and many genuine reasons why someone who would like to come to your wedding, are simply unable to confirm if they can at this stage or not. Taking offence would be wrong and you'd come off quite badly.

SarahJ wrote: »

Not sure why you put hollier in the inverted commas there. I feel like you are taking this personal for some reason.
And everyone is different, I need to let the hotel know how many people are coming. Obviously the wedding you were invited to didn't have sit down meals.

No hotel needs to know in October 2014 how many meals to serve in July 2015. But what they do need to know is room allocation. But if there are plenty of alternatives around the area you are getting married in then people can choose where to stay.

Mrs Shrek wrote: »

Maybe some people want to get Christmas out of the way before they can think about financing going to a wedding abroad. I know personally I would need till the new year to get a budget sorted and saving etc

Me too. In fact, I don't know that I would know if I could afford it until well into the spring.

superman28 · 18-11-2014 05:14PM

Not replying to an RSVP is the hight of bad manners in my opinion.. your guests have been invited to celebrate your wedding the least they could do is reply yes or no.. I understand a few scatty people are unable to post a letter or "forget" to do so.. but I don't think its ok not to bother replying..

I would ring around every guest you didn't get a response from as you gave them 3 months notice..and ask to see if they can go or not as you need to plan for numbers etc.. It is your right to get married where and when you want, it is irrelevant if some of your guests are broke, have kids,, sun burn easily,,can't get the days off work,, etc etc... I'm sick of people moaning about being "invited" to weddings..

Do you want to go to my wedding,, yes or no.. quite simple really..

Electric Sheep · 18-11-2014 05:40PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Thanks everyone, I definitely appreciate the honest and straight forward responses. I think I needed to just get told exactly how it is.
At the end of the day, my own and my partners immediate family are coming, that's what's most important to me.

I think that is how it works out for most weddings abroad these days - immediate family and very close friends are the bulk of the guests.

The days of people jetting off for many long weekends abroad are gone, that a celtic tiger thing. Now most people are wary of running up their credit cards.

The important thing is that the family you love is there.

PhoenixParker · 18-11-2014 06:37PM

superman28 wrote: »

Not replying to an RSVP is the hight of bad manners in my opinion.. your guests have been invited to celebrate your wedding the least they could do is reply yes or no.. I understand a few scatty people are unable to post a letter or "forget" to do so.. but I don't think its ok not to bother replying..

I would ring around every guest you didn't get a response from as you gave them 3 months notice..and ask to see if they can go or not as you need to plan for numbers etc.. It is your right to get married where and when you want, it is irrelevant if some of your guests are broke, have kids,, sun burn easily,,can't get the days off work,, etc etc... I'm sick of people moaning about being "invited" to weddings..

Do you want to go to my wedding,, yes or no.. quite simple really..

Normally I'd agree with you, but expecting people to RSVP now for a wedding that's next summer is a bit ridiculous.

I may want to go to a wedding then, but who knows what'll happen in the next eight months? At least let the guests through Christmas before trying to pin them down to anything more than a "probably/probably not".

I would treat the invite as a save the date, circle it in my calendar and not think about it until next February.

kkcatlou · 18-11-2014 06:49PM

I think the poor OP is getting a very hard time here. Granted, I do think it was a bit crazy to be issuing an invite almost a year in advance and expecting RSVPs 8 months before the big day. I would imagine many of those who have said yes will have changed circumstances and won't be able to make it on the big day. Sure every wedding that has an RSVP date 3 weeks before the wedding ends up with people cancelling last minute due to unforseen circumstances. We got sent a save the date for a wedding abroad next summer and have said casually we'll go, but I know we won't (changed circumstances) but I won't be sharing that with the B&G just yet. Had we gotten a formal invite, I'm not sure what we'd have done!

But back to the OP - clearly you see now that what you did went against wedding etiquette, but everyone giving you a hard time over that isn't going to help you feel any better. My advice would be to try let the lack of RSVPs go for now. If it's mostly family, chances are you will see them over the next few weeks, especially with Christmas coming up and you can casually mention the wedding...it will come up anyway, and just try get a feel for their response. As people have said, in your case, I wouldn't think it's that people are rude, I'd say it's that they genuinely don't know and don't want to commit either way until they do. Bring it up in conversation, and you will probably have people say things like, they are hoping to come but need to sort out kids, finances, holiday plans, annual leave, personal circumstances first. I wouldn't start phoning around to people until at least next Spring, when at least then people will be in a circumstance to know. Doing that now will probably just make them feel more pressurised than they already do (especially if the problem is money) and perhaps cause tension.

In the meantime, try focus on the happy things about your upcoming wedding to take your mind off this. There's loads of other fun stuff you can be doing, and also Christmas is just around the corner, so try to enjoy that special time too!

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 06:57PM

kkcatlou wrote: »

I think the poor OP is getting a very hard time here. Granted, I do think it was a bit crazy to be issuing an invite almost a year in advance and expecting RSVPs 8 months before the big day. I would imagine many of those who have said yes will have changed circumstances and won't be able to make it on the big day. Sure every wedding that has an RSVP date 3 weeks before the wedding ends up with people cancelling last minute due to unforseen circumstances. We got sent a save the date for a wedding abroad next summer and have said casually we'll go, but I know we won't (changed circumstances) but I won't be sharing that with the B&G just yet. Had we gotten a formal invite, I'm not sure what we'd have done!

But back to the OP - clearly you see now that what you did went against wedding etiquette, but everyone giving you a hard time over that isn't going to help you feel any better. My advice would be to try let the lack of RSVPs go for now. If it's mostly family, chances are you will see them over the next few weeks, especially with Christmas coming up and you can casually mention the wedding...it will come up anyway, and just try get a feel for their response. As people have said, in your case, I wouldn't think it's that people are rude, I'd say it's that they genuinely don't know and don't want to commit either way until they do. Bring it up in conversation, and you will probably have people say things like, they are hoping to come but need to sort out kids, finances, holiday plans, annual leave, personal circumstances first. I wouldn't start phoning around to people until at least next Spring, when at least then people will be in a circumstance to know. Doing that now will probably just make them feel more pressurised than they already do (especially if the problem is money) and perhaps cause tension.

In the meantime, try focus on the happy things about your upcoming wedding to take your mind off this. There's loads of other fun stuff you can be doing, and also Christmas is just around the corner, so try to enjoy that special time too!

Thanks, I did think people where jumping on me for some strange reason! How dare I have a wedding and invite people haha.

fits · 18-11-2014 08:02PM

Foreign weddings are an old punch bag on boards, don't take it to heart too much. Its good that you let guests know so early, but a save the date at this stage followed by formal invite in the new year might have been more appropriate. I think a lot of people start planning out their year in January. Don't take no's to heart. I'm in the position of inviting quite a few who would have to travel, and have young families. I dont expect many of them to come though.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 08:13PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Thanks, I did think people where jumping on me for some strange reason! How dare I have a wedding and invite people haha.

In fairness, you're a) inviting them to a wedding for which they will have to spend considerable time and money attending and b) asking them to decide this very far in advance.
Did those you were inviting know you were going abroad? The only person I know who married abroad in recent years had only close family there. I think if you decide to get married abroad, you have to take on board that people won't know how they're fixed money and/or time wise, especially coming up on Christmas, and also that they're far more likely to decline. While I might love to attend a wedding abroad, with two children and loads of other things to consider (limited annual leave for one), I would need a fair while to decide about attending. Even a wedding in Ireland doesn't always suit us to attend.

Electric Sheep · 18-11-2014 08:43PM

fits wrote: »

Foreign weddings are an old punch bag on boards, don't take it to heart too much. Its good that you let guests know so early, but a save the date at this stage followed by formal invite in the new year might have been more appropriate. I think a lot of people start planning out their year in January. Don't take no's to heart. I'm in the position of inviting quite a few who would have to travel, and have young families. I dont expect many of them to come though.

I think what tends to bug me about weddings abroad (in real life) is that the B&G always seem so suprised that so many people can't/won't drop everything to plan their holidays around the wedding.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 08:48PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I think what tends to bug me about weddings abroad (in real life) is that the B&G always seem so suprised that so many people can't/won't drop everything to plan their holidays around the wedding.

What annoys me is that somehow the B&G think they're giving everyone the chance to take their holidays because of their wedding (and it'll be cheaper for them than doing a wedding at home). The one and only wedding out foreign I went to was held in a place I would never go otherwise and wouldn't have missed not seeing at all.

amdublin · 18-11-2014 08:54PM

Invites to an abroad wedding is not a simple yes or no.

Well for me it is - no I can't afford it.

But maybe people are embarrassed to tell you that.

eviltwin · 18-11-2014 08:58PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Thanks, I did think people where jumping on me for some strange reason! How dare I have a wedding and invite people haha.

Its not that at all OP. A wedding abroad is not easy for a lot of people to organise. I went to my brother in laws overseas wedding this year, we had a great time and everything but it was basically our holiday and while it was a nice venue its not what we would have chosen for our holiday. We put ourselves to a lot of expense to go, much more than if it had been here and we needed to do a lot more planning into the finances for it as a result. I'm sure other people were the same, a lot of people couldn't go, some people like us cancelled their original holiday plans to go to the wedding.

What gets to people is that the bride and groom sometimes can't see this, put a lot of pressure on people to go and commit to it early on and don't seem to be aware of how much it can put people out. As I said before its your day so you're entire world is revolving around it, its not really all that important to anyone else and they have to work their lives around it. Expecting people to be able to tell you now is nuts imo. Get Christmas out of the way first and let people decide then.

fits · 18-11-2014 09:08PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I think what tends to bug me about weddings abroad (in real life) is that the B&G always seem so suprised that so many people can't/won't drop everything to plan their holidays around the wedding.

I have never been invited to one. My family were practically begging us to get married abroad. We are having a small wedding anyway. And a lot of friends would be travelling. But I can see how they would get old fairly quickly alright.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 09:20PM

I'm glad the hen/stag weekend out foreign has died a death recently. What were people thinking asking people to spend all that time and money for?!

michellie · 18-11-2014 09:26PM

lazygal wrote: »

I'm glad the hen/stag weekend out foreign has died a death recently. What were people thinking asking people to spend all that time and money for?!

It hasn't!! I've been invited on one, which I would love to be able to go to but saving for my own wedding means I just can't.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 09:45PM

michellie wrote: »

It hasn't!! I've been invited on one, which I would love to be able to go to but saving for my own wedding means I just can't.

Ah here, noooooo! I thought this was no longer acceptable. :mad:

Electric Sheep · 18-11-2014 09:50PM

lazygal wrote: »

Ah here, noooooo! I thought this was no longer acceptable. :mad:

Honestly, I think that is even more self centered than a foreign wedding.

lazygal · 18-11-2014 09:52PM

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Honestly, I think that is even more self centered than a foreign wedding.

I approve this message.

Foreign stags and hens are the most self indulgent thing ever invented. Closely followed by weekends away for them at home. Stop the nonsense, what's wrong with a night out, a few plastic willies or boobs and a shimmy on the dancefloor, and back home again. When did it become an 'event'?

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 10:25PM

lazygal wrote: »

I approve this message.

Foreign stags and hens are the most self indulgent thing ever invented. Closely followed by weekends away for them at home. Stop the nonsense, what's wrong with a night out, a few plastic willies or boobs and a shimmy on the dancefloor, and back home again. When did it become an 'event'?

A lot of the time it's not the bride or groom organising the hen / stag.
the thought of a hen absolutely fills me with DREAD! Why did it become the norm? There's this thing that you have to do something! I'm happy enough to pass it by to be honest

lazygal · 18-11-2014 10:31PM

SarahJ wrote: »

A lot of the time it's not the bride or groom organising the hen / stag.
the thought of a hen absolutely fills me with DREAD! Why did it become the norm? There's this thing that you have to do something! I'm happy enough to pass it by to be honest

I'm sure they could veto it though.
I didn't have a hen. Didn't see the point when I was asking people to come to a wedding anyway.

fits · 18-11-2014 10:41PM

Wuh I can't wait for my hen. Don't see enough of my friends at all. Cocktails in Dublin I think.

RSVPS / Taking offence

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