RSVPS / Taking offence

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 11:58AM #1

Hi all, we are getting married abroad in June, and sent off our invite in August, just to give people a while to make their plans etc.
We asked for the RSVPs back by 31st October, so in my eyes that's a good 3 months for ppl to make up their minds.

Well here we are in November, half of them bot received. What do I do?
And also, some I've received back (late) from ppl who I thought would come that aren't, and I am taking offence. I know it's ridiculous and I shouldn't, but I cannot help it.

Any help / advice / "snap out of its" welcome!

Dr Turk Turkelton · 18-11-2014 12:01PM

Are you offering to pay for everyone's trip abroad?
If not you better prepare to get very offended.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:03PM

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Are you offering to pay for everyone's trip abroad?
If not you better prepare to get very offended.

Well that's silly of course not. But I have been to country weddings etc and have paid as much as it would cost to come to mine. I asked people a year in advance so that they have a chance to save etc, and decide to make it their holiday.

And also, I know I'm being ridiculous being offended, I know this believe me, it's just really hard not to be

endacl · 18-11-2014 12:04PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Hi all, we are getting married abroad in June, and sent off our invite in August, just to give people a while to make their plans etc

Surely you mean 'just to give people an opportunity to decide if an unexpected foreign trip was feasible at a time when many are struggling financially'?

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:06PM

endacl wrote: »

Surely you mean 'just to give people an opportunity to decide if an unexpected foreign trip was feasible at a time when many are struggling financially'?

Well that's why I asked a year in advance, so it wouldn't be unexpected. I think u are missing g the point of my whole thing.
It's not even the fact that it's abroad or anything, maybe I'm easily offended? I dunno, I think I'm too soft for this wedding business

January · 18-11-2014 12:08PM

I'm in the same boat as you are ATM, still over 45 Rsvps to come and the date was the other day. I'm not having my wedding abroad though.

My advice snap out of it. It's a big expense to go to a wedding let alone one that's in a different country. Anyone that RSVPd no to my wedding got a text back saying that we were sad they couldn't come but we knew how expensive it was or that we knew getting time off work around that time of year was hard but thanks for leting us know.

Be gracious.

Dr Turk Turkelton · 18-11-2014 12:08PM

I understand all that but if you chose to have a wedding abroad you will find an awful lot of people won't be able to make it due to money issues, childminding issues and getting time of work.
In fact a lot of the people that will have the time, money and be commitment free will be elderly aunts and uncles rather than your friends and cousins I'm sure you would rather have there.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:09PM

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

I understand all that but if you chose to have a wedding abroad you will find an awful lot of people won't be able to make it due to money issues, childminding issues and getting time of work.
In fact a lot of the people that will have the time, money and be commitment free will be elderly aunts and uncles rather than your friends and cousins I'm sure you would rather have there.

that's very true. It's the whole RSVP thing that's a nightmare! I'm short of going around to their houses and asking them! I'm not sure what the proper thing to do is!

Call me Al · 18-11-2014 12:12PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Well that's silly of course not. But I have been to country weddings etc and have paid as much as it would cost to come to mine. I asked people a year in advance so that they have a chance to save etc, and decide to make it their holiday.

And also, I know I'm being ridiculous being offended, I know this believe me, it's just really hard not to be

Weddings abroad are more expensive than one night away at a wedding here in Ireland. At least if it's in Ireland you can choose to book a house with family, leave children with in laws, or even drive home after the reception if you're up to it and it's not too far away.
Plus most people like to choose their own holiday destination with their own family, and not have that choice made for them by someone inviting them to their wedding.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:13PM

January wrote: »

I'm in the same boat as you are ATM, still over 45 Rsvps to come and the date was the other day. I'm not having my wedding abroad though.

My advice snap out of it. It's a big expense to go to a wedding let alone one that's in a different country. Anyone that RSVPd no to my wedding got a text back saying that we were sad they couldn't come but we knew how expensive it was or that we knew getting time off work around that time of year was hard but thanks for leting us know.

Be gracious.

Thanks, I actually need a slap, I don't want to turn into a mental bride! What are you gona do about the people that haven't let you know either way?

Dr Turk Turkelton · 18-11-2014 12:14PM

Also if the wedding is next June I would expect the RSVPs to be for around the end of next February not October.
Making definite plans that far in advance is very hard when people have kids etc to plan for.
It was a good idea though to let people know ten months in advance so they can start to prepare and see if they can make it.

Call me Al · 18-11-2014 12:15PM

SarahJ wrote: »

that's very true. It's the whole RSVP thing that's a nightmare! I'm short of going around to their houses and asking them! I'm not sure what the proper thing to do is!

We've been invited to a wedding abroad next summer. Right now I don't know if we will be able to travel as it is so far away. I definitely don't want to make it our holiday.
I think pushing people into committing on an rsvp this early is likely to lead to a lot of refusals.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:17PM

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Also if the wedding is next June I would expect the RSVPs to be for around the end of next February not October.
Making definite plans that far in advance is very hard when people have kids etc to plan for.
It was a good idea though to let people know ten months in advance so they can start to prepare and see if they can make it.

I never even thought of that to be honest. I'm kind of sick that we didn't just do that.
I wonder is there a way to say to people if they change their minds closer. Cos we didn't need it set in stone if ppl were coming, we just needed an idea of the numbers, and again wanted to give ppl a heads up

stargazer 68 · 18-11-2014 12:17PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Thanks, I actually need a slap, I don't want to turn into a mental bride! What are you gona do about the people that haven't let you know either way?

You wanted the replies in October for a wedding in June? I would guess people didnt notice the October date and assumed replies wanted sometime next year! Maybe it's just me but 8 months before the wedding is a bit too far in advance!

polydactyl · 18-11-2014 12:18PM

You are allowed to be sad for approx one min then you need to move on. You can't really be offended it's a invitation not a sentence they were given. We both have jobs but a mortgage and a child in crèche too so unless it was a Sibling getting married I would not travel abroad. You say it's the same cost but that is just not true. If I can't afford to stay overnight at a wedding in Ireland I can get in my car and drive back. I can ask my parents to mind my baby for a night or weekend to go to a wedding in Ireland I can't ask them to mind her for a week to go abroad. I can also leave her behind to go to a wedding here so it's free but if it's a week abroad then she comes too and that costs money.

It's never cheaper to have a wedding abroad for anyone but the bride and groom. Therefore you have to expect a lot of nos to your RSVP and while upsetting of course you can't be offended

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:19PM

Dovies wrote: »

You wanted the replies in October for a wedding in June? I would guess people didnt notice the October date and assumed replies wanted sometime next year! Maybe it's just me but 8 months before the wedding is a bit too far in advance!

I know but it's a different situation cos its abroad, I didn't want to be asking people the normal 6 weeks before.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:21PM

polydactyl wrote: »

You are allowed to be sad for approx one min then you need to move on. You can't really be offended it's a invitation not a sentence they were given. We both have jobs but a mortgage and a child in crèche too so unless it was a Sibling getting married I would not travel abroad. You say it's the same cost but that is just not true. If I can't afford to stay overnight at a wedding in Ireland I can get in my car and drive back. I can ask my parents to mind my baby for a night or weekend to go to a wedding in Ireland I can't ask them to mind her for a week to go abroad. I can also leave her behind to go to a wedding here so it's free but if it's a week abroad then she comes too and that costs money.

It's never cheaper to have a wedding abroad for anyone but the bride and groom. Therefore you have to expect a lot of nos to your RSVP and while upsetting of course you can't be offended

You're right, I think I probably should have said upset rather than offended. Cos to be honest I knew a lot of them wouldn't come, I just wanted to ask everyone so that no one could say they weren't asked. Upset is Defo the right word. I'm sensitive by nature so I think I will need a thicker skin!

Call me Al · 18-11-2014 12:21PM

SarahJ wrote: »

I know but it's a different situation cos its abroad, I didn't want to be asking people the normal 6 weeks before.

There is a middle ground. It doesn't have to be extreme ends of the spectrum re rsvp dates.

endacl · 18-11-2014 12:22PM

SarahJ wrote: »

I know but it's a different situation cos its abroad, I didn't want to be asking people the normal 6 weeks before.

Why not, if the cost would be the same?

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:23PM

endacl wrote: »

Why not, if the cost would be the same?

In case people wanted to make it their hollier as well, so before they booked their big hollier

sillysmiles · 18-11-2014 12:24PM

SarahJ wrote: »

I never even thought of that to be honest. I'm kind of sick that we didn't just do that.
I wonder is there a way to say to people if they change their minds closer. Cos we didn't need it set in stone if ppl were coming, we just needed an idea of the numbers, and again wanted to give ppl a heads up

Is there a reason you said Oct?

Was there a reason you didn't send save the date cards this early and then you invitations in the new year?

If you think that you could wait until the New Year until you need to know, can you talk to the people you are waiting to respond and let them know that actually you don't need to know until the New Year. Blame the venue or something.

jester77 · 18-11-2014 12:24PM

As it's a foreign wedding I think it's fairly safe to assume that those that have not RSVPd are not going. It would be a bit different if it was local, but anyone committing to the expense of going abroad would RSVP.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:26PM

sillysmiles wrote: »

Is there a reason you said Oct?

Was there a reason you didn't send save the date cards this early and then you invitations in the new year?

If you think that you t could wait until the New Year until you need to know, can you talk to the people you are waiting to respond and let them know that actually you don't need to know until the New Year. Blame the venue or something.

Not at all, we plucked the date from no where, it's all new to me and I think we just couldn't wait to get the invitations out there!
Would emails be too informal? I'm trying to think of a way to do it and not be annoying haha

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:28PM

jester77 wrote: »

As it's a foreign wedding I think it's fairly safe to assume that those that have not RSVPd are not going. It would be a bit different if it was local, but anyone committing to the expense of going abroad would RSVP.

I know yea, it's just annoying. we stuck stamps on all the RSVPs, put our numbers and set up an email for them. Just a simple no thanks Would do!

Dr Turk Turkelton · 18-11-2014 12:29PM

SarahJ wrote: »

In case people wanted to make it their hollier as well, so before they booked their big hollier

That can be a good idea of the wedding is in Spain, Portugal, the Caribbean or Mexico.
If it's in a little sleepy village in France or Malta not many people are going to holiday there especially since there is no nightlife and the shops open and close whenever it suits them.

endacl · 18-11-2014 12:30PM

SarahJ wrote: »

In case people wanted to make it their hollier as well, so before they booked their big hollier

I know quite a few people at the moment who won't be in a position to take any 'hollier', big or small. An invite puts pressure on people. If it's in Ireland, you can be strategic about things. Don't drink, drive back the same night etc. you have the option to participate in the celebration without breaking the bank. An invitation to a wedding abroad can put people under a fierce amount of pressure of expectation. Also, it's a bit of a cheek to decide for people where they take their holidays.

I've only ever been invited to two weddings abroad. No rsvp nonsense either time. More of a 'we'll be getting married in X in June. Would love to see you there. If you can't come, we'll see you for a party when we get back' kinda vibe. Very casual, very easy.

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:32PM

endacl wrote: »

I know quite a few people at the moment who won't be in a position to take any 'hollier', big or small. An invite puts pressure on people. If it's in Ireland, you can be strategic about things. Don't drink, drive back the same night etc. you have the option to participate in the celebration without breaking the bank. An invitation to a wedding abroad can put people under a fierce amount of pressure of expectation. Also, it's a bit of a cheek to decide for people where they take their holidays.

I've only ever been invited to two weddings abroad. No rsvp nonsense either time. More of a 'we'll be getting married in X in June. Would love to see you there. If you can't come, we'll see you for a party when we get back' kinda vibe. Very casual, very easy.

Not sure why you put hollier in the inverted commas there. I feel like you are taking this personal for some reason.
And everyone is different, I need to let the hotel know how many people are coming. Obviously the wedding you were invited to didn't have sit down meals.

Mrs Shrek · 18-11-2014 12:34PM

Maybe some people want to get Christmas out of the way before they can think about financing going to a wedding abroad. I know personally I would need till the new year to get a budget sorted and saving etc

SarahJ · 18-11-2014 12:37PM

Mrs Shrek wrote: »

Maybe some people want to get Christmas out of the way before they can think about financing going to a wedding abroad. I know personally I would need till the new year to get a budget sorted and saving etc

Very true, didn't think of that. In hindsight I wish we didn't put the date that we did, but that's the way it goes.

It's all family members really, I think that's why I am letting it annoy me. I wouldn't leave someone hanging if they asked me to let them know by a certain date. but everyone is different I guess.

endacl · 18-11-2014 12:38PM

SarahJ wrote: »

Not sure why you put hollier in the inverted commas there. I feel like you are taking this personal for some reason.
And everyone is different, I need to let the hotel know how many people are coming. Obviously the wedding you were invited to didn't have sit down meals.

No reply is a 'no'. Make your booking based on how many have responded 'yes'. Quit freaking out and enjoy your day. Any hotel will be able to fire out an extra table or two and a plate of chips if a few more than expected turn up. It's par for the course.

An Bhanríon · 18-11-2014 12:42PM

I'm not having wedding abroad myself, so don't know if things should be done differently or not. One thing I will say, though, is that lots of people forget to RSVP, assume you know they are / are not coming, buy a card and forget to send it, presume they have sent you an RSVP but have actually forgotten.... this is human nature!

My suggestion would be to get in touch with everyone a month before you need your final numbers for your venue. Ring them, as texts and e-mails can be misunderstood. Tell them you are doing your final list for the venue and just needed to go through your invitation list one last time to double check because you have a feeling you forgot to take note of a few RSVP texts (or something of the sort!)

Be VERY gracious regarding people who are not coming. It is not that they don't wish you well. They all have a good reason for not being able to make it to your wedding.

RSVPS / Taking offence

Comments