The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

EoghanIRL · 07-08-2014 10:14AM

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

EoghanIRL · 07-08-2014 10:16AM

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian airline jokes .

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

jonnybegood · 07-08-2014 11:13AM

A woman came in the store where I worked as a carryout, once aweek she bought a large bag of dog food. One day I asked her " You must realy love your dog, to buy him the most expensive dog food ?" She said she didn't have a dog, it was for her husband. He was crazy and thought he was a dog. I told her it would kill him if he kept eating dog food and she said no, he's been doing it for years.
One day she came in and didn't buy any dog food, when I asked her why she said her husband was dead. I said , see, I told you it would kill him. She said no, it wasn't the dog food that killed him . He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and got hit by a car

pmy.murphy · 07-08-2014 03:38PM

Whats the difference between Oscar Pistorius and the Wexford hurlers?

Oscar Pistorius can get his shots on target

EoghanIRL · 07-08-2014 04:38PM

Bang bang bang

Who's there ?

Oscar pistorius .

No need for a standing ovation .

MonkieSocks · 07-08-2014 04:46PM

A middle-aged woman reads that vaginas get wider and deeper with age.

So she tries to check her own by stripping off, putting a mirror on the floor and spreading her legs over it.

Suddenly, her husband comes in and grabs her arm, violently pulling her away from where the mirror is laying.

"You could have broken my arm!" she shouts at him.

He points at the mirror and says

"But if you'd fallen down that hole, you would have broken your fookin neck."

andyman · 08-08-2014 12:54AM

A Roman walks into a bar, sticks up his two fingers and says: "5 pints please"

dilallio · 08-08-2014 10:13AM

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The barman, a little confused, says "Don't you mean a Martini?"

Caesar replies "No - If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it"

EoghanIRL · 08-08-2014 10:32AM

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

Plazaman · 08-08-2014 10:49AM

There's too many people saying they've got it tough these days. My friend Claire lost her voice and both her legs in a horrible accident and you don't hear her making a song and dance about it.

murray.eoghan · 08-08-2014 12:18PM

Plazaman wrote: »

There's too many people saying they've got it tough these days. My friend Claire lost her voice and both her legs in a horrible accident and you don't hear her making a song and dance about it.

that is from a pic in ylyl

Buona Fortuna · 08-08-2014 01:04PM

A retired man was asked what he did all day.

He replied that he gave his wife sexual advice.

She told him, when she want's his fcuking opinion she'll ask for it.

leBIT · 08-08-2014 01:10PM

Never heard ofa good joke...srs I've never laughed in my entire life

oranbhoy67 · 08-08-2014 02:14PM

Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team. He has now hired Celtic as he heard they lost both legs and still managed to win

TheChevron · 08-08-2014 03:06PM

I have a chicken-proof lawn.

It's impeccable

septictank · 08-08-2014 03:16PM

What's the difference between an egg and a good ****e?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a good ****e.

rolliepoley · 08-08-2014 09:11PM

Three Italian nuns are standing at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
'No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'

jonnybegood · 08-08-2014 10:35PM

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"

commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

foxy farmer · 09-08-2014 06:45PM

Mulligan is on the train to Dublin one day. When the ticket collector comes along he enquires about the crashing and banging he noticed a few minutes earlier.
"The train ran over a cow" the official informs him
"Was it on the line?" asks Mulligan.
"No" replies the ticket collector. "We had to chase it up the embankment but we got it eventually."

Faze11 · 09-08-2014 06:56PM

Garda stopping boy racer for speeding: (rubbing hands together) " I've been waiting for you all day"

Boy racer "Mister, I got here as fast as I could".

rolliepoley · 10-08-2014 02:36PM

Removed

Gloomtastic! · 10-08-2014 07:15PM

rolliepoley wrote: »

a liitle boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mother "grannys got a prawn"
the mother replies "what on earth do you mean ?"
the boy takes his mother and shows her his granny,stark naked,asleep on the sofa
he points to grandmas protruding clitorous and says,"grannys got a prawn"
his mother whispers ,"thats your grandmothers clitorous son"
to which the little boy replies,"well it tasted like a prawn"

Boy that's sick, funny, but you may need help!!!!

rolliepoley · 10-08-2014 09:42PM

three bodies turn up at a mortuary all with smiles on their faces
cop asks coroner "why are they all smiling?"
coroner says ,"first guy died of a heart attack shagging his wife,hence his smile...second guy won the lottery spent it on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning....hence his smile...third guy was unusual...paddy from belfast struck by lightning"
cop asks,"why the fcuk was he smiling?"
coroner replies," he thought he was having his photo taken "

EoghanIRL · 11-08-2014 08:58PM

Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter?

Because twitter has an 140 character limit.

EoghanIRL · 12-08-2014 01:11AM

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

Skullface McGubbin · 12-08-2014 02:38PM

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Boy that's sick, funny, but you may need help!!!!

I liked it. It made me laugh. Shame that it's been removed

Gloomtastic! · 12-08-2014 05:49PM

Skullface McGubbin wrote: »

I liked it. It made me laugh. Shame that it's been removed

Shhh don't tell anyone..... It's quoted in my post!

rolliepoley · 12-08-2014 07:50PM

Gloomtastic! wrote: »

Shhh don't tell anyone..... It's quoted in my post!

Can you remove it?

A woman went to a Tesco service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work, The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

EoghanIRL · 13-08-2014 01:35AM

I saw a transvestite in a mini skirt the other night .

That shows a lot of balls I said

EoghanIRL · 13-08-2014 01:37AM

I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship because if you are with a woman who you don't trust , how do you know she isn't going to tell your wife ?

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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