Why do you want/ not want children?

Cazzoenorme · 17-05-2014 11:05AM

Addle wrote: »

Fear of responsibility, I wonder if your partner wasn't into weed, would your opinion be the same?
My ex smoked a lot and it def influenced my decisions.

You don't necessarily have to be any more responsible as you age.

LegacyUser · 17-05-2014 02:26PM

Addle wrote: »

Fear of responsibility, I wonder if your partner wasn't into weed, would your opinion be the same?
My ex smoked a lot and it def influenced my decisions.

Well it is only one factor I consider when I think of reasons not to have kids, but I wouldn't say it was the overriding factor. Even if he didn't smoke any at all I would still have all the other fears there.
I'm not against weed. I've seen all the studies that show it is less harmful than alcohol and many other drugs, I could also see the merits in the arguments for having it legalised. At the minute though it is not legal, and I have seen the effects it has caused in other couples I know with children. One couple have had house searches that their kids have had to witness and the fear of jail time for repeated finds of personal use possession. You'd think they'd stop after the first time getting caught but selfishly they didn't. No kid should have to deal with that. Others who have never got in trouble for possession but are always looking over their shoulder, panic if a stranger called to the front door, hiding and sneaking it from the kids etc.
Then there's the money issues. Some people are fine, can smoke recreationally no problems really, others spend far too much money on it and spent more time stoned than sober - this would be an issue if raising kids.
My partner knows how I feel about this and actually agrees with me. If we were ever to change our mind about kids he knows that I would have to witness a massive change with him regarding weed use/spending habits and see him being consistent with these changes for at least at year before I'd even start trying for a pregnancy!

As I mentioned though, it is still really only one of my minor considerations because my partner agrees that things would change if needs be, but the other fears and worries would still remain regardless.

Cazzoenorme wrote: »

What is it about getting older that scares you?

Unless you die prematurely you will be a 60 year old woman in the year 2047.

Well it's not the number as such. Nor is it the physical ageing process that bothers me. Don't care much about future wrinkles or sagging!:) Being 60 and childfree sounds good to me personally anyways.

I think what I was trying to say but probably didn't explain myself very well is that when I say I fear the thought of being older, I don't mean the thought of wrinkles, or age number really. (Although I used to - I used to worry about physical ageing in the future but only really in the last year or 2 have stopped caring about, as now I see it as that wouldn't I be lucky to live long enough to get old and wrinkly instead of less fortunate people.)

My fears are more based in the idea of older as being "grown up" regarding being a responsible parent. I am a "grown up" in many ways in my life like those I mentioned in previous post, but that other step of adulthood - becoming responsible for the well-being of another little human life is just MASSIVE! I see that as another phase of adulthood that I have not reached, possibly will never reach, and that I even baulk at the thought of.
My previous post was me just wondering if maybe I have that fear because I feel I had too much responsibilities already pushed upon me growing up when I didn't want or ask for them, and that being childfree is a remaining freedom that I can keep and actually have some control over.
Not having a child is one less stress, and allows me to enjoy my life the way I want to.
I know others go through a hell of a lot worse than me as a kid and still want kids and/or make great parents, so I don't know if my past plays a role but have just been wondering to myself recently if maybe it plays a small role.

Again though, my fear of responsibility is also just one of other aspects(although a major one) that makes me not want kids. There's still all the other things there too like just loving my freedom, focusing on my education at the min, wanting to travel too, the way I feel trapped and panicked if I am tied down to any situation etc.

Cazzoenorme wrote: »

You don't necessarily have to be any more responsible as you age.

No but you do if you have kids.

poundapunnet · 17-05-2014 09:27PM

Don't want any, have felt the same since I was a kid myself and am regularly told that I'll feel differently when I'm older.

I have a few reasons. One is that I've had an eating disorder for over ten years which must has probably taken a significant toll on my body by now. I don't want to make things worse by going through pregnancy, and I don't think it'd be fair to bring a child into the world when my health is probably going to be so bad in later life. I also don't think I have the temperament to be a very good mother. Added to that is I plan to travel, would like to do a doctorate, I like my sleep, I like my drink and my drugs etc, I like plenty of things that are not very child friendly.

But essentially I just don't want children, that's my starting position. It often (not this thread) feels like if you're a woman who doesn't want them, you have to start from the position that you SHOULD want them and reason backwards from there. The implication being of course that there's something wrong with you. Not wanting or wanting kids are both perfectly reasonably positions, until you get down to specifics neither needs to be justified or explained more than the other.

It really gets frustrating when you see everywhere women (and men) just wailing and raving that they want their own kids because it's just such a strong, natural drive, and that's seen as a perfectly reasonable or even commendable reason to make sacrifices in their careers, spend thousands, travel across the world etc., and yet 'I just don't really want them' gets you looked at like you've two heads!!

Sorry, that turned into a bit a rant, phew

username123 · 17-05-2014 10:37PM

lazygal wrote: »

Just FYI baby poo is only black for a few days. Then you get the nice green/yellow/mustard ones. Yeah it's gross.

^^ Another reason I wouldn't want to be a mother, feeling the need to offer this kind of info unrequested is not the kind of thing I'd be happy to see myself doing. I don't need to know about baby poo colour.

Tigger99 · 17-05-2014 10:43PM

Thankfully I know a good few mothers that feel the same username123. Way way tmi.

Gongoozler · 17-05-2014 11:30PM

poundapunnet wrote: »

Don't want any, have felt the same since I was a kid myself and am regularly told that I'll feel differently when I'm older.

I have a few reasons. One is that I've had an eating disorder for over ten years which must has probably taken a significant toll on my body by now. I don't want to make things worse by going through pregnancy, and I don't think it'd be fair to bring a child into the world when my health is probably going to be so bad in later life. I also don't think I have the temperament to be a very good mother. Added to that is I plan to travel, would like to do a doctorate, I like my sleep, I like my drink and my drugs etc, I like plenty of things that are not very child friendly.

But essentially I just don't want children, that's my starting position. It often (not this thread) feels like if you're a woman who doesn't want them, you have to start from the position that you SHOULD want them and reason backwards from there. The implication being of course that there's something wrong with you. Not wanting or wanting kids are both perfectly reasonably positions, until you get down to specifics neither needs to be justified or explained more than the other.

It really gets frustrating when you see everywhere women (and men) just wailing and raving that they want their own kids because it's just such a strong, natural drive, and that's seen as a perfectly reasonable or even commendable reason to make sacrifices in their careers, spend thousands, travel across the world etc., and yet 'I just don't really want them' gets you looked at like you've two heads!!

Sorry, that turned into a bit a rant, phew

Yeah there's babies being brought into work now, and there's lots of cooing going on which is fine, but I know I'm being thought of as rude as I'm not over cooing at the baby too, and just sitting trying to get my work done, despite the unnecessary disruption.

Legs.Eleven · 18-05-2014 03:01AM

I want children specifically with the man I´m with now. If we broke up tomorrow, I wouldn´t want them at all. I only thought about having them after a year or so of us being together and realising he was "the one". I think he´d be a great dad (I´ve seen him around children - it´d melt your heart) and together we´d be great parents and I want one or two because I think I´ve got a lot of love to give them and have the potential to be a good mother. My own mother passed away years ago when I was 10, so part of me wants to give to my children what I didn´t have growing up.

I partied and travelled me arse off in my 20s and into my 30s, so I´m ready for the "quiet" life at this stage.

I´m the youngest of 5 and I wasn´t around kids as a child growing up (I was the baby) and only with my nieces and nephews have I learned how to be comfortable around kids and turns out I´m pretty good with them, which I think surprised a few family members (being the youngest, I´ve always been seen as the "baby" of the family and not a potential mother). I´d be the kind of person who´d coo over babies of strangers and love kids and babies generally; I turn into a bit of a sap around them. My friends and siblings with kids love being parents and have definitely shown parenting in a positive light and that´s increased the broodiness.

I am concerned though that it might not happen. My boyfriend is unemployed and I don´t know if we´ll be in a financial position to have them anytime soon (I´m 34). If we didn´t, I´d be heartbroken tbh as I have my heart set on having them. Hopefully it works out. We´ll see.

R.D. aka MR.D · 18-05-2014 05:57AM

I've never wanted kids.
I also hate the whole 'you'll change your mind'.

Honestly, my reasons probably go back to having a very unhappy childhood. From my childhood, i've seen how things shouldn't be done! My parents basically didn't want me and made that clear from the age that I was old enough to understand.
At other times my mother would use me as an emotional crutch.
I feel that when you have kids you should make sure they are loved and wanted. They should also be loved in a healthy way.

A friend of mine has 2 kids now and I feel bad for them because she only had them to fill a void in her life. She's really clingy with them and says things like 'i finally have some one to hug me'.

My brother's wife is also pregnant again. I love my nephew and he is great but the amount of disgusting things she tells me about being pregnant and the horrible disgusting things that happen to the baby and can also happen to you , keep my mind made up that I don't want them.

She's a very realistic and supportive person. She tells me that it's not all it's cracked up to be. She tells me that she hates when people make out like pregnancy, birth and bringing up a baby is all sunshine and roses. She still wants 5 kids though!

Children are a huge burden financially.
I know that I could never provide appropriate emotional and financial support for a child so I won't have them.

I just wish that people would be more open minded when it comes to women who choose not to have children. My OH and my Sister-in-law are the only 2 people in my life who don't belittle me when it comes to the subject of not having children.

Cazzoenorme · 18-05-2014 07:31AM

Gongoozler wrote: »

Yeah there's babies being brought into work now, and there's lots of cooing going on which is fine, but I know I'm being thought of as rude as I'm not over cooing at the baby too, and just sitting trying to get my work done, despite the unnecessary disruption.

How do you know you are thought of as rude?

username123 · 18-05-2014 09:02AM

Cazzoenorme wrote: »

How do you know you are thought of as rude?

Even if it's not seen as rude it's seen as odd. I've suffered it my whole working life, particularly as I've mostly worked in an all male environment so people specifically bring the babies into my office to see me! Then I've no interest, don't know what to say, feel awkward, etc, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that it's not viewed well. It got so that I'd just pretend to coo and then pretend to be called away quickly.

lazygal · 18-05-2014 10:00AM

Seriously, people tell you they brought the baby in to see you specifically? That's really strange. I've brought my babies into work when I was on maternity leave, not to show them off to a particular person but because I breastfeed so they have to be with me. I don't expect any cooing over them, of course my colleagues who went for a coffee with me had a goo but that was it.

Chattastrophe! · 18-05-2014 11:32AM

I'm not a baby-person, but I'm grand in those situations. You go through the formalities - "Oh isn't it gorgeous, oh look at those eyes, oh look at it's hair (or lack of hair), oh it's so alert." (Hopefully you'll be able to manage a he/she instead of IT, but that's the general theme. Oh and you always mention the "alert" thing. :pac:)

I think it's pretty standard to congratulate a fellow colleague on a major lifechanging event.

Even though I'm a mother, I don't have any particular maternal feelings. In fact there's a hilarious photo of me about seven months pregnant holding a colleague's newborn, which was shoved onto me at a moment's notice, and my expression is just, "Oh god there's a baby on me what do I do!!!"

Some people just aren't really into kids. I'm not, I'm a mother myself and I have all the time in the world for my own little baby. But I'm really not into gooing and gaaing over most other babies, at all!

Fair enough, some are cute, but becoming a mother doesn't mean that you have to adore EVERY child!

Gongoozler · 18-05-2014 12:02PM

Cazzoenorme wrote: »

How do you know you are thought of as rude?

Yeah, you kinda just know. I can see out of the corner of my eye that there's a few wondering glances.

This baby the other day was crying, and then had to have his nappy changed, which as far as I'm concerned is totally inappropriate for a work place. It was very difficult to concentrate on my work, which was quite urgent. I mean bring your baby in if you like and people want to see it, but just go to the canteen or kitchen or wherever, just not have it crying and stinking up the office. It's common courtesy and sense.

username123 · 18-05-2014 01:07PM

lazygal wrote: »

Seriously, people tell you they brought the baby in to see you specifically? That's really strange. I've brought my babies into work when I was on maternity leave, not to show them off to a particular person but because I breastfeed so they have to be with me. I don't expect any cooing over them, of course my colleagues who went for a coffee with me had a goo but that was it.

Yes. They were bringing them in to show in the specific office they worked in then they'd do a little tour popping into other offices (it was a friendly place) and I'd be able to hear them out in the corridor saying "I'm just gonna pop in here so username123 doesn't feel left out". The assumption that I have experienced my whole life is that every woman wants to see a new baby.

I'm surprised you find that strange, it happened literally every time someone in the place had a kid, over the 15 tears I worked there that was a lot. I thought it was the norm for people to bring the new baby in for show and tell. It happened in the previous workplace too although that wasn't an office environment so I could hide more easily. Just no interest at all. Delighted to congratulate people on a new baby, do not need to see it.

I hope it is strange, because I always felt weird about it but everyone else acted like it was normal so I assumed it was the done thing!

Nymeria · 18-05-2014 01:21PM

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I want children specifically with the man I´m with now. If we broke up tomorrow, I wouldn´t want them at all. I only thought about having them after a year or so of us being together and realising he was "the one".

This is what I find a bit strange to be honest, not trying to start a fight or anything Legs, I am just genuinely wondering have you thought about the fact that your relationship could end, and then you could well be left raising kids on your own, that in your own words you only wanted because of your partner. I'm not saying it will happen, but you never know what the future brings, and while relationships can end your children are always your children.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, or misunderstand or something, I just always thought it should be something you do because you want to raise a child, not because of a specific relationship.

meeeeh · 18-05-2014 01:45PM

Nymeria wrote: »

This is what I find a bit strange to be honest, not trying to start a fight or anything Legs, I am just genuinely wondering have you thought about the fact that your relationship could end, and then you could well be left raising kids on your own, that in your own words you only wanted because of your partner. I'm not saying it will happen, but you never know what the future brings, and while relationships can end your children are always your children.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, or misunderstand or something, I just always thought it should be something you do because you want to raise a child, not because of a specific relationship.

I don't want to answer for anyone else but my feelings were the same as Legse's.

I think it is more that you want children with the right person. I wouldn't want to be a single parent. Yes it can happen and then you deal with the situation, you don't suddenly stop loving your kids. But for me ideal situation is either two parent family or childless single person. Some people feel differently and want to become single parents either because they don't want an abortion or because they want a child regardless of their relationship status. I am not one of them. It is not that I would want children because of my partner, I wanted to have children with the right partner or none at all.

eviltwin · 18-05-2014 02:29PM

username123 wrote: »

Yes. They were bringing them in to show in the specific office they worked in then they'd do a little tour popping into other offices (it was a friendly place) and I'd be able to hear them out in the corridor saying "I'm just gonna pop in here so username123 doesn't feel left out". The assumption that I have experienced my whole life is that every woman wants to see a new baby.

I'm surprised you find that strange, it happened literally every time someone in the place had a kid, over the 15 tears I worked there that was a lot. I thought it was the norm for people to bring the new baby in for show and tell. It happened in the previous workplace too although that wasn't an office environment so I could hide more easily. Just no interest at all. Delighted to congratulate people on a new baby, do not need to see it.

I hope it is strange, because I always felt weird about it but everyone else acted like it was normal so I assumed it was the done thing!

I suppose it depends on your work environment but where I work we are a fairly tight little group and its great to see someone on the team again after they go on maternity leave, 6 months is a long time now to see them and as Chattastrophe says they have gone through a major life event, I want to see them and ask how they are, if they will be back etc. Its not about fawning over the child although I will have a look and say the right things.

I've worked with people who flat out refuse to go over because they don't like babies which is so rude imo, unless you are really busy then its just basic manners to say hello to someone who has come in.

Legs.Eleven · 18-05-2014 07:37PM

Nymeria wrote: »

This is what I find a bit strange to be honest, not trying to start a fight or anything Legs, I am just genuinely wondering have you thought about the fact that your relationship could end, and then you could well be left raising kids on your own, that in your own words you only wanted because of your partner. I'm not saying it will happen, but you never know what the future brings, and while relationships can end your children are always your children.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, or misunderstand or something, I just always thought it should be something you do because you want to raise a child, not because of a specific relationship.

Fair enough.

It´s not that I didn´t want kids at all before meeting him but the desire to have them, guessing he might be a great dad potentially, has increased that desire. If he he left me of course I´d love my kids regardless but that push to have them in the first place has come about with meeting him. My love for my kids wouldn´t depend on him being around. I don´t want to raise my kids on my own ideally and I don´t think too many people would choose that for themselves. It´s simply that he´s the first man I´ve met in my life who I think I could work well with to raise kids with similar ideals on how that might ideally happen. Nothing more than that. I´m not great at explaining myself either verbally or in the written word, so it´s very hard to put into words.

I´ve had boyfriend that although they were great men, I think we would´ve clashed on how we should raise our kids but with this particular man it hasn´t been the case. I also didn´t see myself with them for the rest of my life and I do with this man. It´s the first relationship where things have worked out and I love the person completely. He wants to have kids with me, which obviously increases the desire that only seemed like a passing whim in the past (if even that). When someone says they want to have your kids, it becomes something more serious.

I want to have kids but I want to set out with the goal of having them with a partner as I think it´s a tough job and I think he´d be a good partner in raising them; he´s brought out a dormant desire in me that might´ve been there all along because I never took my life, myself or my relationships very seriously...and now I do. If he leaves me, I will, of course, love my kids completely.

Hard to put into words.

18-05-2014 07:43PM

username123 wrote: »

Yes. They were bringing them in to show in the specific office they worked in then they'd do a little tour popping into other offices (it was a friendly place) and I'd be able to hear them out in the corridor saying "I'm just gonna pop in here so username123 doesn't feel left out". The assumption that I have experienced my whole life is that every woman wants to see a new baby.

I'm surprised you find that strange, it happened literally every time someone in the place had a kid, over the 15 tears I worked there that was a lot. I thought it was the norm for people to bring the new baby in for show and tell. It happened in the previous workplace too although that wasn't an office environment so I could hide more easily. Just no interest at all. Delighted to congratulate people on a new baby, do not need to see it.

I hope it is strange, because I always felt weird about it but everyone else acted like it was normal so I assumed it was the done thing!

It is pretty strange. In our place new babies are brought to general reception area only and anyone who wants to go down and see them can, and that's it

username123 · 18-05-2014 07:47PM

bluewolf wrote: »

It is pretty strange. In our place new babies are brought to general reception area only and anyone who wants to go down and see them can, and that's it

I feel less Dexter like now.

Legs.Eleven · 18-05-2014 08:20PM

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't want to answer for anyone else but my feelings were the same as Legse's.

I think it is more that you want children with the right person. I wouldn't want to be a single parent. Yes it can happen and then you deal with the situation, you don't suddenly stop loving your kids. But for me ideal situation is either two parent family or childless single person. Some people feel differently and want to become single parents either because they don't want an abortion or because they want a child regardless of their relationship status. I am not one of them. It is not that I would want children because of my partner, I wanted to have children with the right partner or none at all.

And there´s what I wanted to say in fewer words. Bingo.

woodchuck · 18-05-2014 10:34PM

bluewolf wrote: »

It is pretty strange. In our place new babies are brought to general reception area only and anyone who wants to go down and see them can, and that's it

People bring them up the main office area in my workplace too, same with the last place I was in. I thought that was the norm to be honest.

Gatica · 19-05-2014 11:22AM

Tigger99 wrote: »

Thankfully I know a good few mothers that feel the same username123. Way way tmi.

I think lots of parents forget how gross babies and children can be to people who don't have them.
I don't like the smell of babies (everyone always seems to go on how great they smell), I don't like the smell of creams or talcum they use on them, I can really sense the smell of stuff in their nappies, and the vomit that was wiped off, and the gunk and drool on their faces grosses me out. I also don't like when parents pick up bits of mushed up food off their kids faces and eat it themselves. Eugh... I really have to turn away when they do that as it really churns my stomach.
I think little kids and babies can be cute, but that does not mean I am dying to hold them. My OH is really good with children, and I do love that about him. I wish I was a bit more like that...

Gatica · 19-05-2014 11:25AM

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I've never wanted kids.
I also hate the whole 'you'll change your mind'.

I think people don't realise how disrespectful something like that sounds. It's like you don't know yourself well enough and they're so wise, they know that you'll change your mind, cos obviously your biological clock will kick in, as that's the expectation...

meeeeh wrote: »

I don't want to answer for anyone else but my feelings were the same as Legse's.

I think it is more that you want children with the right person.

This is me too. I wouldn't have thought of kids if it weren't for my partner.

Das Kitty · 19-05-2014 11:41AM

Gatica wrote: »

I think lots of parents forget how gross babies and children can be to people who don't have them.
I don't like the smell of babies (everyone always seems to go on how great they smell), I don't like the smell of creams or talcum they use on them, I can really sense the smell of stuff in their nappies, and the vomit that was wiped off, and the gunk and drool on their faces grosses me out. I also don't like when parents pick up bits of mushed up food off their kids faces and eat it themselves. Eugh... I really have to turn away when they do that as it really churns my stomach.
I think little kids and babies can be cute, but that does not mean I am dying to hold them. My OH is really good with children, and I do love that about him. I wish I was a bit more like that...

I'm a mum, and my stomach is churning reading that post.

Too much vivid detail about these things is bad no matter who it's coming from. :pac:

Gatica · 19-05-2014 11:43AM

Das Kitty wrote: »

I'm a mum, and my stomach is churning reading that post.

Too much vivid detail about these things is bad no matter who it's coming from. :pac:

my bad

meeeeh · 19-05-2014 11:43AM

Ok l have no problem with nappies or even puke. But that thing with mustard is making me sick. Who does that?

Malari · 19-05-2014 11:45AM

Gatica wrote: »

I think lots of parents forget how gross babies and children can be to people who don't have them.
I don't like the smell of babies (everyone always seems to go on how great they smell), I don't like the smell of creams or talcum they use on them, I can really sense the smell of stuff in their nappies, and the vomit that was wiped off, and the gunk and drool on their faces grosses me out. I also don't like when parents pick up bits of mushed up food off their kids faces and eat it themselves. Eugh... I really have to turn away when they do that as it really churns my stomach.
I think little kids and babies can be cute, but that does not mean I am dying to hold them. My OH is really good with children, and I do love that about him. I wish I was a bit more like that...

Oh god, I just threw up a bit in my mouth. :pac:

I can't stand even seeing parents put their fingers in babies' mouth to retrieve something it shouldn't have been trying to eat. Ick.

vitani · 19-05-2014 11:49AM

It's amazing what you adjust to. When your toddler proudly holds up a piece of half-chewed toast and tries to feed it to you, it's very hard to say no to them!

username123 · 19-05-2014 11:52AM

Malari wrote: »

Oh god, I just threw up a bit in my mouth. :pac:

I can't stand even seeing parents put their fingers in babies' mouth to retrieve something it shouldn't have been trying to eat. Ick.

I'm going to have to stop reading this thread, it's become really gross!!

Why do you want/ not want children?

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