Why do you want / not want to get married?

woodchuck · 13-05-2014 08:53PM #1

A sort of follow on from the why do you want / not want children thread.

I'm just wondering if there are many women who choose not to get married or share their life with a partner and how it has worked out for them (not just people who just don't find the right person, get divorced etc). Has anyone made the conscious decision that they just don't like the idea of sharing their life with someone and want to go it alone? One of my friends is like that. She's hasn't so much as gone on a date in nearly 10 years and is completely happy with herself and her life. She has no interest in finding a man and is planning her future (mortgages etc) for herself. I really admire (and am quite jealous if I'm honest :P) that she's is so sure of herself and happy with her life.

Likewise, what about people who get married etc. Has it lived up to your expectations or would you do things differently if you were to do it all over again?

From my own point of view, marriage is something I had always pictured for myself and ideally would still like to get married some day if I find the right guy. The idea of being all alone in an empty house isn't very appealing to me. On the other hand, I appreciate how much hard work relationships can be and heartache if things don't work out. Or even on a more basic level, the fear that you could just get bored/annoyed if you live with the same person for too long. I can certainly see the appeal of doing things alone. In a lot of ways it seems like the 'easy' road to me, but I haven't resigned myself to that just yet. Having said that, as I don't have someone in my life atm I don't want to put my future on hold either, so plan to look into the feasibility of mortgages etc on my own. I figure I can always rent a room out if I'm lonely as a last resort :P

(Btw I certainly don't think someone should define themselves and their happiness by who they are with, but marriage is a big part of our society and a major life step for a lot of people, so I'm interested in everyone's opinions)

baby and crumble · 13-05-2014 09:06PM

Well, much as I'd love to, I can't get married. Roll on the referendum, eh?

But I have been with my partner for over a decade now. It's not easy, but it's also really great. I sometimes think it'd be great to be single and have no one to answer to whatsoever- I'd probably have moved out of Ireland to find work by now. But I don't envy people who want to find someone to share their life with who are finding it difficult to meet someone compatible. Neither state is 'better' than the other. One is just more socially acceptable. I know as a gay person, once people hear I'm in a long term, committed relationship they settle down and don't freak out about the gay thing as much.

13-05-2014 09:24PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

Well, much as I'd love to, I can't get married. Roll on the referendum, eh?

But I have been with my partner for over a decade now. It's not easy, but it's also really great. I sometimes think it'd be great to be single and have no one to answer to whatsoever- I'd probably have moved out of Ireland to find work by now. But I don't envy people who want to find someone to share their life with who are finding it difficult to meet someone compatible. Neither state is 'better' than the other. One is just more socially acceptable. I know as a gay person, once people hear I'm in a long term, committed relationship they settle down and don't freak out about the gay thing as much.

Two big social injustices there B&C.

I'm 27, single. Was in a relationship that was headed down the serious route last year but had to abandon ship. He had plans, I had plans that were just about to come to fruition after ten years of study and work. I knew I'd never be happy long term if I put aside my ambitions for him, and his ambitions were too important to put aside for me. There was a lot of love, but I guess there wasn't enough and it was too hard. I bailed before it got any harder.

When I think about getting married, it seems such a remote thing at this point in my life that it doesn't seem likely. I only have to meet the right person at the right time for all that to change though.

Pythia · 13-05-2014 09:28PM

I like a third option - share my life with someone but not get married.

eviltwin · 13-05-2014 09:41PM

I'm married 5 yrs, we have been together for 18 yrs in total. We really only got married to protect ourselves financially. We love each other and all that but we had our house and our family and we felt content with that but were worried about inheritance tax if one of us died and wanted to be each others legal next of kin so we got married very quietly without any fuss.

I don't feel any different, nothing has changed from how it was before. I think if there had been an option to have a straight version of a civil partnership we would have gone with that instead.

I'm not anti marriage by any means and think it can be wonderful but I don't really see the point not when we had been living as a married couple for so long. I am always a bit surprised that most women I know wouldn't dream of having a child outside marriage if they could avoid it and a lot of them feel its an insult in a way if their partner doesn't want to get married. I certainly have no regrets about marrying him but its not really added very much to the relationship we had before.

woodchuck · 13-05-2014 10:08PM

Pythia wrote: »

I like a third option - share my life with someone but not get married.

Sorry, that's what I meant; sharing your life with someone in any way (marriage just being an example of that) or remaining single.

meeeeh · 13-05-2014 10:35PM

We are engaged the last 8 years or so. I have no sentimental (can't find better word but I don't mean it in negative way) desire to get married but we might do it some day for practical reasons mentioned above. I'm a drifter, I don't do plans, I react to situation. Because of various reasons my current relationship is my only long therm relationship. I did not plan it or particularly longed for it, it just happened and it makes sense to be with someone I love. It is likely I would feel more pressure when younger if my friends wouldn't be more or less single at the time.

Sometimes I feel that marriage has it's merits but I dread having to organize a wedding. I also like to think that not being married makes me a little less middle class. It is complete nonsense of course because I am completely boring and predictable in every other way but it still makes me smile.

baby and crumble · 14-05-2014 02:32AM

When it comes to wanting to be married, I want to know that each of us have the protection of a legal framework if something goes wrong, like one of us gets sick. Luckily both of our families would be ok with us being involved in decisions, but legally I'd have no rights to be with her if she was really sick, although tbh if anyone gives me grief I'll be her sister if needs be. As we get older I think that's something I think about more and more.

I also want protection if we ever have kids.

SmokeyEyes · 14-05-2014 08:55AM

We've been together 11 years next month and got engaged on our 10 year anniversary in June, we got together when we were 19 and engaged at 29. We felt no pressure to rush into it because we were young and always knew exactly how committed we were to one another so always felt as good as married. It felt like the right time recently entering a new decade but it doesn't change one iota how committed or in love we are with one another.

It'll be a great celebration of our love but it'll also provide the security and comfort knowing we're seen legally as a unit and will give us more rights with one another.

IvyTheTerrible · 14-05-2014 09:37AM

I've been with my partner for the last 8 years and we have a young son together. I'm honestly not pushed about getting married (we are already in a sort of civil union, called PACS, in France, which protects us financially to some extent). We have been talking about marriage just for practical reasons but if we do it, it will be a very quiet "do", no church, just at the town hall with our immediate families only. I've been to friend's "big white weddings" which I've really enjoyed being a part of, but the idea of having one myself nearly makes me feel sick (I hate hate hate being the centre of attention, any occasions like that result in migraines etc!)

SmokeyEyes · 14-05-2014 10:31AM

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I've been with my partner for the last 8 years and we have a young son together. I'm honestly not pushed about getting married (we are already in a sort of civil union, called PACS, in France, which protects us financially to some extent). We have been talking about marriage just for practical reasons but if we do it, it will be a very quiet "do", no church, just at the town hall with our immediate families only. I've been to friend's "big white weddings" which I've really enjoyed being a part of, but the idea of having one myself nearly makes me feel sick (I hate hate hate being the centre of attention, any occasions like that result in migraines etc!)

We both feel the same about the giant wedding, we'd die of embarrassment and nerves! Something small and intimate sounds nice and to be honest if we could do it with just us and no one else would mind we would because it's a very personal moment!

Das Kitty · 14-05-2014 10:39AM

I got married after 9 years. I knew I wanted to marry him early into our relationship, and we started talking about it after less than a year, but being youngsters, we knew it couldn't happen until we were out of college, etc.

When the time actually came, I didn't think that there would be any difference. We'd been living together for 8 of the 9 years, pretty much grew up together. I was surprised that it did actually feel different afterwards. And I can't even describe how, other than it's really lovely and I like it a lot.

I think with me, the fact that I'm naturally monogamous really plays a part. It feels very natural to me to be married to him. And he's the same. Commitment? Give it to us now! I realise we're likely in the minority in that sense, but we're fortunate to have met each other young and realised what we had when we saw it.

I love being married.

Princess Peach · 14-05-2014 10:57AM

I'm engaged about 10 days, kinda can't wait to be married! It was a funny thread title to me because when I thought about it, it's so hard to put into words. Its just a feeling I guess. Loving someone and wanting to make that next commitment . Even being engaged feels different to just living together, it's great!

sullivlo · 14-05-2014 10:59AM

I think I like the idea of marriage. I'm not sure about the reality. I'm 28, single and not really actively looking at the moment. I'm just getting to know myself and I'm not ready to let anyone in currently.

I'm not sure I want to get married down the line. I suppose I won't know until I meet "the one". If I ever meet them.

I want children. Or child. But I'm pretty selfish with my attitude towards my relationship status to have kids. I know that most want to be in a stable relationship but I'm not there. I'm the product of a single parent family, and I turned out okay. So I guess I don't see a relationship as a pre-requisite to have children. I don't know if this makes me a bad person or not.

I don't have any "normal" relationships in my family, in the sense of boy meets girl, fall in love, get married, have babies. So getting married isn't ever something I've aspired to be/happen. It makes me question the nature/nurture thing!

I'm rambling. Apologies.

sullivlo · 14-05-2014 10:59AM

Princess Peach wrote: »

I'm engaged about 10 days, kinda can't wait to be married! It was a funny thread title to me because when I thought about it, it's so hard to put into words. Its just a feeling I guess. Loving someone and wanting to make that next commitment . Even being engaged feels different to just living together, it's great!

Congrats on the engagement Peach.

Malari · 14-05-2014 11:02AM

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married 5 yrs, we have been together for 18 yrs in total. We really only got married to protect ourselves financially. We love each other and all that but we had our house and our family and we felt content with that but were worried about inheritance tax if one of us died and wanted to be each others legal next of kin so we got married very quietly without any fuss.

I don't feel any different, nothing has changed from how it was before. I think if there had been an option to have a straight version of a civil partnership we would have gone with that instead.

I'm not anti marriage by any means and think it can be wonderful but I don't really see the point not when we had been living as a married couple for so long. I am always a bit surprised that most women I know wouldn't dream of having a child outside marriage if they could avoid it and a lot of them feel its an insult in a way if their partner doesn't want to get married. I certainly have no regrets about marrying him but its not really added very much to the relationship we had before.

This is it for me really. We've been together for ages, and I don't think getting married would make any difference. In more recent times, we've thought it would probably be a good idea to get married for financial protection, as well as the next of kin issue. And we probably will do so quietly, without a wedding and all the stuff that goes with it. We might have a "party" afterwards, in order to avoid all of the input that people feel free to give when you label any life celebration a "wedding" :pac:

username123 · 14-05-2014 12:13PM

I feel the same as Das Kitty, I love being married.

I describe my marriage as like a comfy blanket, its warm, cosy, snuggly and I like being in it!

My husband and I knew each other as teenagers when I didnt want to go out with him and he was chasing me, but we had a good friendship despite the romantic blunders. We then went our separate ways for a decade and when we bumped into each other accidentally one night in our late 20s we both felt like we were meant to be immediately.

I would have hated a big wedding, I dont like being centre of attention, and neither of us are religious so we eloped off and got married just the two of us with hotel staff as witnesses - it was lovely.

The best thing about our marriage is that we are great pals, we always were, we just "get" each other. I know for definite that I could sit in my rocking chair at 90 still having a laugh with my husband because we just get along.

We're not all that demonstrative about our love for each other but small things like him leaving a cup with a teabag in it by the kettle for when I get up in the morning mean a lot.

In saying all of the above, I know if one of us dies the other will be ok alone because both of us have loads of interests outside of each other and dont depend on each other for happiness.

lazygal · 14-05-2014 01:57PM

I'm one of those who wouldn't consider having children unless I was married. Call me old fashioned but I wanted what I had growing up, a boring, stable family with no issues about custody or maintenance. I know some people who parent alone and its a tough road. I also knew I wanted to get married rather than live with someone long term. I like being married, it did feel different the day we woke up after our civil ceremony and we were husband and wife. I like the security of it, I like the togetherness of it. On a practical level it makes financial and legal sense for us to be married, we've been sorting out some will related stuff and that is much more straightforward when you're married.
We knew pretty quickly we wanted to get married, moved in after a year, got engaged a few months later and were married a few months after that. I think when you reach a certain age you're able to be more upfront about what you want from a relationship, and I wouldn't have been with someone for any length of time who didn't want to get married.

Dutchess · 14-05-2014 03:16PM

I am married 3 year and 2 weeks today. Mostly a case of it making financial sense and it was fun to do. Also, I am not Irish and my last name makes that very clear. Since I am using my Irish husband's last name people's attitudes changed. From more responses to CV's to just friendlier behaviour from customer service on the phone. Sad but true.

IvyTheTerrible · 14-05-2014 03:27PM

Dutchess wrote: »

I am married 3 year and 2 weeks today. Mostly a case of it making financial sense and it was fun to do. Also, I am not Irish and my last name makes that very clear. Since I am using my Irish husband's last name people's attitudes changed. From more responses to CV's to just friendlier behaviour from customer service on the phone. Sad but true.

That surname thing is so annoying, my son has his dad's surname simply because it makes his life easier over here. People sound exasperated when I have to spell my name etc for them. And it's rarely spelled correctly.

pwurple · 14-05-2014 03:48PM

When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he had an accident in the house we lived in. I called the ambulance, but wasn't able to consent for the treatment he needed, had to call his mum. We had been living together for years at that point.

After that happened, we realised that we were legal strangers to eachother, so we got to know eachother legally.

Malari · 14-05-2014 03:53PM

pwurple wrote: »

When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he had an accident in the house we lived in. I called the ambulance, but wasn't able to consent for the treatment he needed, had to call his mum. We had been living together for years at that point.

After that happened, we realised that we were legal strangers to eachother, so we got to know eachother legally.

This is what I worry about. Neither he nor I want to depend on his mother for these kinds of decisions.

eviltwin · 14-05-2014 04:05PM

pwurple wrote: »

When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, he had an accident in the house we lived in. I called the ambulance, but wasn't able to consent for the treatment he needed, had to call his mum. We had been living together for years at that point.

After that happened, we realised that we were legal strangers to eachother, so we got to know eachother legally.

That was a big fear for me, when my husband and I were dating he had a suspected heart attack, I wasn't allowed in to see him until his mother arrived and had been in to see him which took nearly 3 hours. They wouldn't even tell me how he was. I will never forget that feeling of complete helplessness sitting there.

Malari · 14-05-2014 04:13PM

eviltwin wrote: »

That was a big fear for me, when my husband and I were dating he had a suspected heart attack, I wasn't allowed in to see him until his mother arrived and had been in to see him which took nearly 3 hours. They wouldn't even tell me how he was. I will never forget that feeling of complete helplessness sitting there.

Jebus. Freaking me out now ladies

How do they establish if you are married, apart from just asking?

diveout · 14-05-2014 04:28PM

You can assign someone to be a health care proxy. You don't need a marriage certificate.

metaoblivia · 14-05-2014 05:13PM

I'm 32 and unmarried. I can't picture myself getting married, but that may be because I've never met anyone I wanted to marry. If I ever do meet someone I want to marry, that might change.

I grew up in the southern USA and there's a big marriage culture down there. Discussing your upcoming nuptials was a frequent topic of conversation for some girls throughout primary and secondary school. And usually by high school, at least a few girls had a very specific plan for their wedding - but no groom! And I never quite got that. How can you plan out your wedding when you haven't even met someone you want to marry? And how is getting married even a goal, really? For a while now, I've felt that building and maintaining a healthy relationship was the more important goal and then, if the two people decided that marriage was the right path to take that relationship down, then the planning could begin. I guess it's the pragmatist in me - one step at a time and crossing bridges when you come to them.

So I'm definitely not anti-marriage, but I'm not going to want to get married until I meet someone I want to marry, and that may never happen. And if it doesn't happen, that's fine - I like my life, I enjoy being on my own, and I'm perfectly content to go on this way.

baby and crumble · 14-05-2014 05:28PM

metaoblivia wrote: »

I grew up in the southern USA and there's a big marriage culture down there. Discussing your upcoming nuptials was a frequent topic of conversation for some girls throughout primary and secondary school. And usually by high school, at least a few girls had a very specific plan for their wedding - but no groom! And I never quite got that. How can you plan out your wedding when you haven't even met someone you want to marry?

You need to check out Pinterest.

lazygal · 14-05-2014 06:01PM

baby and crumble wrote: »

You need to check out Pinterest.

And The Knot.

Addle · 14-05-2014 06:28PM

diveout wrote: »

You can assign someone to be a health care proxy. You don't need a marriage certificate.

Unless one of the spouses aren't working, I really don't understand why people get married anymore.
I especially don't understand why the majority choose to do so in a church, and spend so much money on a wedding day.

Is a marriage supposed to be legally binding?
Because if it is, the vows people make to each other during their wedding ceremony must be the most flouted undertakings available.

lazygal · 14-05-2014 06:36PM

Addle wrote: »

Unless one of the spouses aren't working, I really don't understand why people get married anymore.
I especially don't understand why the majority choose to do so in a church, and spend so much money on a wedding day.

Is a marriage supposed to be legally binding?
Because if it is, the vows people make to each other during their wedding ceremony must be the most flouted undertakings available.

We didn't marry in a church and we take our vows very seriously. And it costs €200, not a cent more, to marry in Ireland.

pwurple · 14-05-2014 08:11PM

Malari wrote: »

Jebus. Freaking me out now ladies

How do they establish if you are married, apart from just asking?

They just asked me, and not knowing any differently, i didn't lie and say we were married.

The consent was just the thing that kicked it off. Once we thought about it we realised all the other bits. Like inheritance if one of us died. We were both working and had savings / property /insurance policies etc.

Then there was children. we were planning to have children, and he realised the difficulty for him, if anything happened to me during childbirth or pregnancy, he wouldn't be the legal guardian of his own child.

Why do you want / not want to get married?

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