Dating a Single Parent (Again)

Fratton Fred · 07-05-2014 11:13AM

Sometimes in life you've just got to ****ing go for it.

You asked her for a drink, not marriage.

anncoates · 07-05-2014 11:17AM

If I really liked the woman, I wouldn't care at all if she had a child.

It's pointless though to say you wouldn't be wary.

Not because of any of the usual bleating you hear from people that don't want to compete with a kid for attention, but more so you and the child could bond and if you split up, you've no right to see each other again.

jane82 · 07-05-2014 11:20AM

Tasden wrote: »

Not necessarily. My child already has a dad, any guy I see isn't a replacement for him so I wouldn't expect them to treat her as if she's theirs. Obviously they'd have to have a good relationship with her if our relationship was to go anywhere long-term but I wouldn't expect anyone to treat her as their own.

Both myself and my boyfriend have a child from a previous relationship and we both care about each others child but we don't take on a parenting role. Maybe in the future that might happen naturally, who knows.

That's just me though. Everyones different.

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

Czarcasm · 07-05-2014 11:21AM

jane82 wrote: »

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

What? The child isn't his own, no matter what way you try to spin it, and I know many people who would be horrified at the suggestion of another adult trying to step into a parental role when the child isn't theirs! That's just ONE of the multitude of issues that can crop up when dating a single parent.

OP you met her in passing on the bus, yet you're building up all sorts of scenarios in your head already based on your history and your previous experiences. You also have no idea if she could be dating someone else right now and could indeed see meeting you as just a friendly drink too.

Honestly though, six years later, I'd have moved on in the meantime. She may not be the same person you remember having a crush on. She will have lived too in those six years and she may well not be interested in dating you, but just catching up as old friends.

Personally I think you're jumping the gun OP, but I would've moved on already without even questioning whether I'd be interested in dating a girl I hadn't seen in six years, regardless of whether she'd a child or not.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 11:24AM

jane82 wrote: »

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

You use cop on and treat them with decency ....? You can still treat a child well and make them feel loved and cared for without treating them as if they're your own.

No idea what the football boots thing is about tbh

anncoates · 07-05-2014 11:25AM

Don't think anybody is saying you'd replace the kid's biological parent but it's impossible not to become close to the kid when you're a de facto 'parent' in the house. As for not having any input in the upbringing of a child in your own home....come on.

I know nobody is suggesting this, but my mother actually knew a couple that met when the woman already had very young kids (father not on the scene and didn't want to kniow) and they had a kid themselves soon after. They split up a few years later and the guy would come and take his own child out for the day and basically ignore the other two after bringing them up as his own.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 11:31AM

anncoates wrote: »

Don't think anybody is saying you'd replace the kid's biological parent but it's impossible not to become close to the kid when you're a de facto 'parent' in the house. As for not having any input in the upbringing of a child in your own home....come on.

I know nobody is suggesting this, but my mother actually knew a couple that met when the woman already had very young kids (father not on the scene and didn't want to kniow) and they had a kid themselves soon after. They split up a few years later and the guy would come and take his own child out for the day and basically ignore the other two after bringing them up as his own.

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

That situation seems to happen alot lately, very sad

Muise... · 07-05-2014 11:37AM

Tasden wrote: »

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

That situation seems to happen alot lately, very sad

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 11:42AM

Muise... wrote: »

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

Exactly, that's probably a better way of describing it. And it is difficult.

Something that bothers me more is when step parents refer to the childs mam/dad as their "biological mam/dad"!

anncoates · 07-05-2014 11:45AM

Tasden wrote: »

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

Of course, it's not your child but if you live with somebody long term that has a kid, you'll presumably have to take an active part in the upbringing and a loot of people would end up very fond of the child.

It would be a pretty strange situation if you were with a person long-term and you were not actively involved in parenting their child when in your home. That's not the same as being their biological parent but it's also a long way from being some kind of whimsical buddy figure with a child that shares your home for years.

That's why I'd approach the relationship with a lot of caution.

That said, this is a big leap of discussion when you're just dating somebody :pac:

diveout · 07-05-2014 11:47AM

jane82 wrote: »

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

IT depends on the circumstances.

For example, you can't really take a disciplinary role either unless you have been around for the early years, as in 1-4 when the deep bonding and trust develops, but you can if you have. Same goes for bio parents.

The best you can hope for is a very very very good friend. Also you can't treat them as your own, because you have rights to your own, but you don't to other people's, for now, legislation may change over that with the rise of step parenting and de facto parenting.

anncoates · 07-05-2014 11:49AM

Muise... wrote: »

It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

True but parents can have relationship that don't work out for whatever reason, not always their own fault. Even through bereavement.

It's a hard ask to avoid falling in love again to a schedule until their kids grow up.

Ihatecuddles · 07-05-2014 11:49AM

My OH isn't my sons father. My son hasn't seen his own in over a year, and loves my OH like a dad.

I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen in the future, whether his dad will come along and decide he wants to be in his life again.

We don't pretend my OH is his dad, but he is the father figure.

jane82 · 07-05-2014 11:53AM

As a father who doesnt live with fhe first Childs mother I would absolutely love if the ex got a partner that treated him like a loving father.
Itd be better for him. He is only over here so many days a week. Id love if the other few days he had somebody there to take him the park as a family or do whatever where he was priority.
Theres been a few boyfriends over the years that never took an interest then fecked off once they felt like it. I think for him itd be a much better childhood to not be living a boyfriends here make yourself scarce existence or a boyfriends kids are here we can go the park existence.
But you reap what you sow, if thats what ya ll do it must be right.

Czarcasm · 07-05-2014 11:53AM

Muise... wrote: »

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

I can see where you're coming from and all, but the aunt/uncle thing is grand for children of your friends, not so much for children of your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Stepfather/stepmother would only apply anyway if the person you were involved with adopted the child as their own, just another complication in dating a single parent, and one of the reasons why adoption laws are being reviewed to include provisions for children of co-habiting couples, including children of couples in same sex relationships.

Muise... · 07-05-2014 11:54AM

anncoates wrote: »

True but parents can have relationship that don't work out for whatever reason, not always their own fault. Even through bereavement.

It's a hard ask to avoid falling in love again to a schedule until their kids grow up.

My problem is with the term "step-" - I think it should only be used in cases of bereavement. There's going to be a whole host of trouble integrating into a split-up family without throwing an authoritative position into it.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 11:54AM

anncoates wrote: »

Of course, it's not your child but if you live with somebody long term that has a kid, you'll presumably have to take an active part in the upbringing and a loot of people would end up very fond of the child.

It would be a pretty strange situation if you were with a person long-term and you were not actively involved in parenting their child when in your home. That's not the same as being their biological parent but it's also a long way from being some kind of whimsical buddy figure with a child that shares your home for years.

That's why I'd approach the relationship with a lot of caution.

That said, this is a big leap of discussion when you're just dating somebody :pac:

Tbh it depends on the families involved and the set up they have. Obviously the child is going to have to have a relationship with the partner if it ends up being a long term thing but I wouldn't necessarily be advising op that he would have to be able to treat the child as his own because not all parents will expect or want that kind of thing.

And like you said, he's only going on a date with the woman so its not even.relevant yet

Holsten · 07-05-2014 11:55AM

I'd stay well away if I were you.

I'd never go near a single mother. Who wants to raise another mans child? Who wants another man in the picture for the rest of your time together?

I don't want children at all so decision is clear cut to me, boggles my mind why any man would take that on.

bnt · 07-05-2014 11:58AM

I agree that knowing what you want is crucial. If you want children of your own, then I think you have more of a chance of making it work, since you're prepared to deal with all that's involved in bringing up young children.

Personally, I do not want children at all, so I have zero interest in dealing with babies. I think I could make it work with a single mother of an older child (say 12+). Older children don't monopolise their parents' time and attention the way babies do.

If that sounds selfish, well ... it is. I would enter in to a relationship for the personal happiness and fulfilment of all involved, myself included. If one of the people in the relationship feels that they're sacrificing their happiness for that of the others, the relationship is doomed. It's not a job - if you're going to be "paid" at all, it will be in emotional currency.

That_Girl_ Is_ A_Cowboy · 07-05-2014 12:05PM

I used to be the neighbourhoods babysitter. I babysat for many families and stayed with many families for years. I started when I was 14 and continued to this day (I'm 32). So I like kids and get on great with them.

Around 3 years back or so, many people I went to school with began settling down and it frightened the bejayus out of me. Me, a woman in her late 20s, single but happy and in a good place and behaved like a hippied up teenager. Carefree. Anyways with those around me settling down and me getting older, I decided that it could be about time I try me hand at dating (after a very long break).

I hadn't a clue where to begin but read on boards about internet dating. So I tried that. I was open to the idea of meeting someone with a kid or more.

And I swear to god never again. One guy I met, after our first meeting and he was honest at the start about being a dad, and told me he and the ex are separated. I didn't want to pry too much into it, first meeting and all that. Anyways after that he showed interest in getting to know me more and arranged dates and things. But it was all talk and he never followed through and used his kids as an excuse. First time cancelling, fair enough. Second and third time - ok. Goes into the fourth - and it's just not on. What kind of a lowlife blows another person off and uses their kids as an excuse each time?

Swiftly on from that guy. Second guy I met, turned out he too was a dad. Similiar story, he showed interest but never followed through on things and used his own kid as an excuse along with a range of other excuses too.

SterlingArcher · 07-05-2014 12:05PM

I have heard before women talk about dating a guy with a kid. And let's just say they were unforgiving.

Tap that ass and bail

unless she is as the women so delicately put it. " a millionaire who is great in bed". So when she does come a knocking again you just say "woe back off man trap"

Joking aside ,you don't get to choose who you fall for really and if you are falling for someone and its real you don't take into account their situation. That emotion isn't planned out. Unless you are Tom Cruise.

danniemcq · 07-05-2014 12:07PM

Muise... wrote: »

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

I think thats a bit harsh, while I agree with the sentiment of the post clear divisions like that in roles are impossible to judge/explain unless in the moment.

I grew up without a da (died) and my ma remarried and he left (3 times), this left a huge gap in my life. Yes i had family who were actually aunts/uncles all around but there are days though that people who are father figures are needed. There is nothing like the feeling looking at a crowd and seeing 2 people who you see as parents even if only one is biological proud of you. Uncles/Aunts meh its more a buddy relationship I feel. Slap on the shoulder and a fair play. My ma had to fill the roles of both parents and i know it was hard on her and i probably didn't make it much easier.

I guess the point I'm getting at is you can't be a x, y or z only figure for someone, you have to be a mix of all 3 and roll with it.

Tasden · 07-05-2014 12:10PM

jane82 wrote: »

As a father who doesnt live with fhe first Childs mother I would absolutely love if the ex got a partner that treated him like a loving father.
Itd be better for him. He is only over here so many days a week. Id love if the other few days he had somebody there to take him the park as a family or do whatever where he was priority.
Theres been a few boyfriends over the years that never took an interest then fecked off once they felt like it. I think for him itd be a much better childhood to not be living a boyfriends here make yourself scarce existence or a boyfriends kids are here we can go the park existence.
But you reap what you sow, if thats what ya ll do it must be right.

I think maybe we have different views on what it means to take on a parenting role or love a child like your own tbh.

My partner and his ex co parent together. They are the child's Mam and dad, they do the parent stuff. I don't consider myself a "parent" or another mother type in the child's life because the child has two parents that do that already aand they do an amazing job without me. This doesn't mean I don't cook meals for the child or kiss their knee when they fall over or whatever. But none of that makes me a parent to the child either.

Also, it is very much dependent on how involved the other parent is too. Sometimes the dynamic is completely different in a one parent family than it would be when the two parents are very involved in co parenting or whatever. It might be easier for a new partner to fall into the parenting role if that parent is completely absent.

Muise... · 07-05-2014 12:12PM

danniemcq wrote: »

I think thats a bit harsh, while I agree with the sentiment of the post clear divisions like that in roles are impossible to judge/explain unless in the moment.

I grew up without a da (died) and my ma remarried and he left (3 times), this left a huge gap in my life. Yes i had family who were actually aunts/uncles all around but there are days though that people who are father figures are needed. There is nothing like the feeling looking at a crowd and seeing 2 people who you see as parents even if only one is biological proud of you. Uncles/Aunts meh its more a buddy relationship I feel. Slap on the shoulder and a fair play. My ma had to fill the roles of both parents and i know it was hard on her and i probably didn't make it much easier.

I guess the point I'm getting at is you can't be a x, y or z only figure for someone, you have to be a mix of all 3 and roll with it.

I don't think it was harsh. Maybe I have a hangup with the word "stepmother/stepfather." Blame the Brothers Grimm.

Also, I think the OP is rather put off by "you have to be a mix of all 3 and roll with it."

danniemcq · 07-05-2014 12:32PM

Muise... wrote: »

I don't think it was harsh. Maybe I have a hangup with the word "stepmother/stepfather." Blame the Brothers Grimm.

Also, I think the OP is rather put off by "you have to be a mix of all 3 and roll with it."

Sorry i should explain better, you say in an earlier post that you see yourself as an uncle figure for what i'm asssuming is mates kids? correct me if i'm wrong. Thats all well and good though if my assumption is correct. My issue with defined roles are when you are in something serious and there is a kid involved.

If the Father/Mother is still involved and on good terms you aren't trying to replace them, you are there to compliment them to back them up. this may sound protracted but sometimes you'll have to take ... not a back seat more a side seat in whats going on (uncle figure) and sometimes you'll have to take the bull by the horns (father figure).

If they aren't involved though thats when you have to ask yourself some serious questions, but most of these can be sorted between the 2 adults before the kid/kids are exposed I guess.

Do both of you want other kids? Can you accept the kid? Are you gonna be in this for the long haul? Where do you both wanna be in X amount of years

Muise... · 07-05-2014 12:39PM

danniemcq wrote: »

Sorry i should explain better, you say in an earlier post that you see yourself as an uncle figure for what i'm asssuming is mates kids? correct me if i'm wrong. Thats all well and good though if my assumption is correct. My issue with defined roles are when you are in something serious and there is a kid involved.

If the Father/Mother is still involved and on good terms you aren't trying to replace them, you are there to compliment them to back them up. this may sound protracted but sometimes you'll have to take ... not a back seat more a side seat in whats going on (uncle figure) and sometimes you'll have to take the bull by the horns (father figure).

If they aren't involved though thats when you have to ask yourself some serious questions, but most of these can be sorted between the 2 adults before the kid/kids are exposed I guess.

Do both of you want other kids? Can you accept the kid? Are you gonna be in this for the long haul? Where do you both wanna be in X amount of years

I don't disagree - as I said, I don't like the use of the word stepmother/stepfather when you could just use that person's given name and let the role develop from aunt/uncle to mother figure/father figure if that's what is needed and wanted by the children.

It's all moot though because I'm actually an aunt figure and I don't think I could get involved with a single father. I find relationships difficult (yeah, I know, leaving myself wide open for insult there) without adding children and their mother into the mix.

danniemcq · 07-05-2014 12:50PM

Muise... wrote: »

I don't disagree - as I said, I don't like the use of the word stepmother/stepfather when you could just use that person's given name and let the role develop from aunt/uncle to mother figure/father figure if that's what is needed and wanted by the children.

It's all moot though because I'm actually an aunt figure and I don't think I could get involved with a single father. I find relationships difficult (yeah, I know, leaving myself wide open for insult there) without adding children and their mother into the mix.

The fathers mother? yeah agree with you on that one!

I get your point though and do understand where you are coming from, relationships are fecking hard and a nightmare when they end. Having the kids emotions added to the pressure and feelings after are guaranteed to be tough especially as there isn't really visiting rights for ex-boyfriends/girlfriends etc but an unknown future like that is no reason to give up completely especially if you believe that love conquers all.

Specialun · 07-05-2014 12:51PM

at least you show she puts out OP

Gannicus · 07-05-2014 12:54PM

suicide_circus wrote: »

At least you know she's ridin'.

Specialun wrote: »

at least you show she puts out OP

Not exactly my first port of call when it comes to starting a potential relationship.

Agent Smith · 07-05-2014 12:55PM

Boombastic wrote: »

whatever floats your boat

or finds your lost remote...

Dating a Single Parent (Again)

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