Dating a Single Parent (Again)

Gannicus

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.


Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.


I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

Boombastic

whatever floats your boat

Gyalist

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

Penny Tration

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

I don't think he'd be wrong at all tbh. Some people want very different things, and there's no point developing a relationship with someone who you probably won't be with once it gets serious.

If someone has a kid, I wouldn't date them tbh. I never want kids, never want to be in a relationship where there's a kid involved, and that's that tbh.

monflat

Big Steve wrote: »

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.


Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.


I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

Put it this way if a girl liked u and you liked her
But it turned out you had a child a few yrs ago .

How would you feel if she walked away cause you " had a child "

Give it a go. You will know soon enough

diveout

You could have also had relationships with childless single women and it not worked out but you would not be on here asking should I never date a childless woman again.

Seriously, you have to identify the problems before you can determine whether or not it's them having children that is is the problem or if its a problem with how the two of you relate.

It takes maturity to date a single parent, there is a lot of give and take, and compromise, they often have little time, etc and it costs them a lot of money, often money they don't have to get a sitter so they can go out and meet your for a drink. Some people can't do it, some people are not capable of that and want the person all to themselves. I think its better if you are very honest with yourself about which camp you fall in before getting involved with a family.

Boombastic

Duracell Bunny wrote: »

You're wrong if you walk away from her just because she has a sprog. I was best man at my team mate's wedding. His wife had 1 year old child from a previous relationship.

Now their married 3 years, with one toddler extra and another on the way.

different strokes for different folks.. a child would make me run in the opposite direction. all might be rosy when they're babies but only time will tell, not to mention you are entering in to a relationship with others( childs other parent &/ partner)



other people wouldn't mind.

Calibos

Was it the children themselves that were the seed of whatever caused the other relationships to breakdown?

ie. You don't like kids and hated the little fcukers.
She wanted more kids. You didn't.
She didn't want more kids. You did.
Sick of no alone time because of kids.
Sick of no spontaneity because of having to account for kids.

If you can't track the breakdowns of the other relationships directly or indirectly to the kids then surely this old crush having a kid isn't at all like 'doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results'. It broke down because of incompatibility with the mothers not the kids and thus what difference does it make if this woman has a kid too.

Did your other relationships end because the women were parents?

Grayson

monflat wrote: »

Put it this way if a girl liked u and you liked her
But it turned out you had a child a few yrs ago .

How would you feel if she walked away cause you " had a child "

Personally I'd be fine with it. A child is a huge deal.

Gannicus

diveout wrote: »

You could have also had relationships with childless single women and it not worked out but you would not be on here asking should I never date a childless woman again.

I have had relationships with childless women that haven't worked but when theose relationships went arse about face the only ones affected where myself and the girl. There was no kids to worry about or impact on their lives

diveout wrote: »

Seriously, you have to identify the problems before you can determine whether or not it's them having children that is is the problem or if its a problem with how the two of you relate.

I think it may be a bit of both

diveout wrote: »

It takes maturity to date a single parent, there is a lot of give and take, and compromise, they often have little time, etc and it costs them a lot of money, often money they don't have to get a sitter so they can go out and meet your for a drink. Some people can't do it, some people are not capable of that and want the person all to themselves. I think its better if you are very honest with yourself about which camp you fall in before getting involved with a family.

I know all of these come into play I have dated single parents before. I'm not sure on whether I want them to come into play with me again.

Big Steve

Big Steve wrote: »

I have had relationships with childless women that haven't worked but when theose relationships went arse about face the only ones affected where myself and the girl. There was no kids to worry about or impact on their lives

Ok, that's a very fair point. But you can have a relationship with someone and not be involved with their children until such time that the relationship moves on. I don't think you should give up the chance at being happy with someone you fancy (and have done for a long time), and get on great with because there is a child in the mix. But that's just me, it wouldn't be something that would bother me but I can see why it would be difficult for you giving your quoted post. I'm not really the kind of person who sees the problems, I tend to see around them, but that's not always a good thing either!

My opinion; go for it. Don't get in too deep (har har) too early.

danniemcq

In fairness OP both reasons you gave to giving up on dating a single parent could be applied to any relationship. There is no need for writing off a full section of society. I could easily say i'm giving up on dating women without kids and give the same reasons you gave.

If both of you have the same goals/ambitions then there is no reason her having a kid or kids should get in the way.

Speaking from experience from the kids point of view (although probably older than the kids your ex's had) I'd be more cautious with the whole thing yes, take it slowly before you finally decide to commit or whatever but just because you are cautious doesn't mean give up.

Maphisto

I'm interested in a reply to Calibos post. I also think that this girl could be the best thing since whatever and it seems wrong to make a generalisation.

Is it because the whole dating, moving in (or not) gets condensed or altered because of the kids?

geeky

Big Steve wrote: »

Out of my last 4 relationships 2 of the girls I have dated are single parents. One ended very amicably. We just wanted different things in the long run (more kids, where to live etc), the other turned into a war of attrition about anything and everything. So after that ended last year I made a decision not to date a single parent again.


Fast forward to last week. I was on the bus to work and a girl I know and used to have a massive crush on (still do) got on I haven't seen her in about 6 years. She still looks great aswel. Saw her again yesterday and this morning on the bus. We were chatting and having a good laugh. This morning I asked her if she was up to anything this weekend and wanted to grab a drink after work Friday evening. She said yes but she has to get a babysitter. No, she didn't have a child when before we lost contact. With that I automatically tried to play it off as a friendly drink and told her if she can't get a sitter not to worry.

Should I see where things go with us

or

Based on my past experiences avoid going down this route again.


I'm not saying people shouldn't date a single parent, hell I did it twice for a sum total of 3 years (2 years and 1 year respectively) between both relationships. Just that I don't think it's something that will ever work for me. Am I wrong?

The way you tell it, the break-ups with your two past relationships had less to do with the people having kids - it was more to do with the women themselves, your relationship with them, and your long-term priorities.

Sure, kids are a complication, and affect a person's priorities, but not in a uniform way. I'd be pretty eager to establish whether there's a long-term connection and shared priorities before getting too attached - if a serious relationship is what you're considering.

By the way, I wouldn't hold anything against someone who doesn't want to date single parents, no more than someone who flat out doesn't want kids - if you don't want that in your life, that's a perfectly legitimate position.

In your case, I'd say see where things go.

Celly Smunt

Has she gone fat after the pregnancy? Maybe you're just a chubby chaser

Gannicus

Celly Smunt wrote: »

Has she gone fat after the pregnancy? Maybe you're just a chubby chaser

No she hasn't. Well I don't think so. She still looks great to me.

Even if she was/wasn't chubby after the baby her attractiveness is still subjective to me or others.

Gannicus

geeky wrote: »

The way you tell it, the break-ups with your two past relationships had less to do with the people having kids - it was more to do with the women themselves, your relationship with them, and your long-term priorities.

I think that the fact they had a child from a past relationship they are no longer in has indefinitely changed the way they look at the future in comparison to childless women of the same age and social background.

diveout

Big Steve wrote: »

I think that the fact they had a child from a past relationship they are no longer in has indefinitely changed the way they look at the future in comparison to childless women of the same age and social background.

That could be very very true. I could see how a certain cynacism would bleed through, where you are scared to invest.

It's also the case you are so used to being independent that you can get scared to lean too much on someone, and then suddenly it's gone, after you have grown used to it.

mayordenis

Gyalist wrote: »

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

OP has already done the same twice with 2 different results.

suicide_circus

At least you know she's ridin'.

jane82

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

minidazzler

Personally I wouldn't go out with a girl who has a kid. I don't want that baggage. But that's me, some people inexplicably like kids.

Gannicus

diveout wrote: »

That could be very very true. I could see how a certain cynacism would bleed through, where you are scared to invest.

I don't see how this could be the case. I had discussions with them about our futures and one was a mature and grown up conclusion and the other just well I suppose I could say I was dragged into unnecessary arguments but I shouldn't have risen to the rows that happened. but I'm not scared to invest. I was willing to invest a future with these two women just like any of the ones that don't have kids.

cena

It is up to you really.

I am not sure I could do it. What if I want kids and she doesn't want anymore. Only one way it could end if you really want kids and she doesn't

diveout

Big Steve wrote: »

I don't see how this could be the case. I had discussions with them about our futures and one was a mature and grown up conclusion and the other just well I suppose I could say I was dragged into unnecessary arguments but I shouldn't have risen to the rows that happened. but I'm not scared to invest. I was willing to invest a future with these two women just like any of the ones that don't have kids.

Sorry, I meant THEY could be scared to invest.

loveta

Third time lucky

Gannicus

diveout wrote: »

Sorry, I meant THEY could be scared to invest.

Oh right.....

kupus

I would advise against it.
Dating a single parent is not the same as dating one without a kid.
Time, money, priorities, all go out the window when it comes to you or the kid.
But youve been through all this before so you know the score.

maybe, you want to be a dad so you go for the women who have kids already without the added responsibility of it being yours.
Maybe. something to think about.

Tasden

jane82 wrote: »

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

Not necessarily. My child already has a dad, any guy I see isn't a replacement for him so I wouldn't expect them to treat her as if she's theirs. Obviously they'd have to have a good relationship with her if our relationship was to go anywhere long-term but I wouldn't expect anyone to treat her as their own.

Both myself and my boyfriend have a child from a previous relationship and we both care about each others child but we don't take on a parenting role. Maybe in the future that might happen naturally, who knows.

That's just me though. Everyones different.

Fratton Fred

Sometimes in life you've just got to ****ing go for it.

You asked her for a drink, not marriage.

anncoates

If I really liked the woman, I wouldn't care at all if she had a child.

It's pointless though to say you wouldn't be wary.

Not because of any of the usual bleating you hear from people that don't want to compete with a kid for attention, but more so you and the child could bond and if you split up, you've no right to see each other again.

jane82

Tasden wrote: »

Not necessarily. My child already has a dad, any guy I see isn't a replacement for him so I wouldn't expect them to treat her as if she's theirs. Obviously they'd have to have a good relationship with her if our relationship was to go anywhere long-term but I wouldn't expect anyone to treat her as their own.

Both myself and my boyfriend have a child from a previous relationship and we both care about each others child but we don't take on a parenting role. Maybe in the future that might happen naturally, who knows.

That's just me though. Everyones different.

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

Czarcasm

jane82 wrote: »

If you are prepared to treat the child like your own go for it. If not , dont, its not fair on the child or the mother.

What? The child isn't his own, no matter what way you try to spin it, and I know many people who would be horrified at the suggestion of another adult trying to step into a parental role when the child isn't theirs! That's just ONE of the multitude of issues that can crop up when dating a single parent.

OP you met her in passing on the bus, yet you're building up all sorts of scenarios in your head already based on your history and your previous experiences. You also have no idea if she could be dating someone else right now and could indeed see meeting you as just a friendly drink too.

Honestly though, six years later, I'd have moved on in the meantime. She may not be the same person you remember having a crush on. She will have lived too in those six years and she may well not be interested in dating you, but just catching up as old friends.

Personally I think you're jumping the gun OP, but I would've moved on already without even questioning whether I'd be interested in dating a girl I hadn't seen in six years, regardless of whether she'd a child or not.

Tasden

jane82 wrote: »

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

You use cop on and treat them with decency ....? You can still treat a child well and make them feel loved and cared for without treating them as if they're your own.

No idea what the football boots thing is about tbh

anncoates

Don't think anybody is saying you'd replace the kid's biological parent but it's impossible not to become close to the kid when you're a de facto 'parent' in the house. As for not having any input in the upbringing of a child in your own home....come on.

I know nobody is suggesting this, but my mother actually knew a couple that met when the woman already had very young kids (father not on the scene and didn't want to kniow) and they had a kid themselves soon after. They split up a few years later and the guy would come and take his own child out for the day and basically ignore the other two after bringing them up as his own.

Tasden

anncoates wrote: »

Don't think anybody is saying you'd replace the kid's biological parent but it's impossible not to become close to the kid when you're a de facto 'parent' in the house. As for not having any input in the upbringing of a child in your own home....come on.

I know nobody is suggesting this, but my mother actually knew a couple that met when the woman already had very young kids (father not on the scene and didn't want to kniow) and they had a kid themselves soon after. They split up a few years later and the guy would come and take his own child out for the day and basically ignore the other two after bringing them up as his own.

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

That situation seems to happen alot lately, very sad

Muise...

Tasden wrote: »

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

That situation seems to happen alot lately, very sad

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

Tasden

Muise... wrote: »

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

Exactly, that's probably a better way of describing it. And it is difficult.

Something that bothers me more is when step parents refer to the childs mam/dad as their "biological mam/dad"!

anncoates

Tasden wrote: »

Obviously if it becomes serious then the partner does become a "father figure" for want of a better word but not all parents want/expact a partner to treat the child as their own. With respect and decency yes but that isn't the same as treating the child as your own, to think it is is a little naive tbh.

Of course, it's not your child but if you live with somebody long term that has a kid, you'll presumably have to take an active part in the upbringing and a loot of people would end up very fond of the child.

It would be a pretty strange situation if you were with a person long-term and you were not actively involved in parenting their child when in your home. That's not the same as being their biological parent but it's also a long way from being some kind of whimsical buddy figure with a child that shares your home for years.

That's why I'd approach the relationship with a lot of caution.

That said, this is a big leap of discussion when you're just dating somebody :pac:

diveout

jane82 wrote: »

So if he is living in the house does he take his children out and leave yours.at home?
Does the kid not end up feeling left out if its a my kids/ your kids divide.
If the kid in the op needs new football boots does the op kick up a fuss about how he also wants new football boots.
You have to treat them like part of the family not some " hey Im not your da Im only banging your mother" set up.

IT depends on the circumstances.

For example, you can't really take a disciplinary role either unless you have been around for the early years, as in 1-4 when the deep bonding and trust develops, but you can if you have. Same goes for bio parents.

The best you can hope for is a very very very good friend. Also you can't treat them as your own, because you have rights to your own, but you don't to other people's, for now, legislation may change over that with the rise of step parenting and de facto parenting.

anncoates

Muise... wrote: »

It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

True but parents can have relationship that don't work out for whatever reason, not always their own fault. Even through bereavement.

It's a hard ask to avoid falling in love again to a schedule until their kids grow up.

Ihatecuddles

My OH isn't my sons father. My son hasn't seen his own in over a year, and loves my OH like a dad.

I'm not entirely sure what's going to happen in the future, whether his dad will come along and decide he wants to be in his life again.

We don't pretend my OH is his dad, but he is the father figure.

jane82

As a father who doesnt live with fhe first Childs mother I would absolutely love if the ex got a partner that treated him like a loving father.
Itd be better for him. He is only over here so many days a week. Id love if the other few days he had somebody there to take him the park as a family or do whatever where he was priority.
Theres been a few boyfriends over the years that never took an interest then fecked off once they felt like it. I think for him itd be a much better childhood to not be living a boyfriends here make yourself scarce existence or a boyfriends kids are here we can go the park existence.
But you reap what you sow, if thats what ya ll do it must be right.

Czarcasm

Muise... wrote: »

I'd see it more as uncle/aunt figure. This is a role I really enjoy having in a few families unrelated to me, but I don't think I could combine it with being a girlfriend - too complicated. It really bothers me to hear some children referring to their stepmother/stepfather, when both their parents are still alive.

I can see where you're coming from and all, but the aunt/uncle thing is grand for children of your friends, not so much for children of your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Stepfather/stepmother would only apply anyway if the person you were involved with adopted the child as their own, just another complication in dating a single parent, and one of the reasons why adoption laws are being reviewed to include provisions for children of co-habiting couples, including children of couples in same sex relationships.

Muise...

anncoates wrote: »

True but parents can have relationship that don't work out for whatever reason, not always their own fault. Even through bereavement.

It's a hard ask to avoid falling in love again to a schedule until their kids grow up.

My problem is with the term "step-" - I think it should only be used in cases of bereavement. There's going to be a whole host of trouble integrating into a split-up family without throwing an authoritative position into it.

Tasden

anncoates wrote: »

Of course, it's not your child but if you live with somebody long term that has a kid, you'll presumably have to take an active part in the upbringing and a loot of people would end up very fond of the child.

It would be a pretty strange situation if you were with a person long-term and you were not actively involved in parenting their child when in your home. That's not the same as being their biological parent but it's also a long way from being some kind of whimsical buddy figure with a child that shares your home for years.

That's why I'd approach the relationship with a lot of caution.

That said, this is a big leap of discussion when you're just dating somebody :pac:

Tbh it depends on the families involved and the set up they have. Obviously the child is going to have to have a relationship with the partner if it ends up being a long term thing but I wouldn't necessarily be advising op that he would have to be able to treat the child as his own because not all parents will expect or want that kind of thing.

And like you said, he's only going on a date with the woman so its not even.relevant yet

Holsten

I'd stay well away if I were you.

I'd never go near a single mother. Who wants to raise another mans child? Who wants another man in the picture for the rest of your time together?

I don't want children at all so decision is clear cut to me, boggles my mind why any man would take that on.

bnt

I agree that knowing what you want is crucial. If you want children of your own, then I think you have more of a chance of making it work, since you're prepared to deal with all that's involved in bringing up young children.

Personally, I do not want children at all, so I have zero interest in dealing with babies. I think I could make it work with a single mother of an older child (say 12+). Older children don't monopolise their parents' time and attention the way babies do.

If that sounds selfish, well ... it is. I would enter in to a relationship for the personal happiness and fulfilment of all involved, myself included. If one of the people in the relationship feels that they're sacrificing their happiness for that of the others, the relationship is doomed. It's not a job - if you're going to be "paid" at all, it will be in emotional currency.

That_Girl_ Is_ A_Cowboy

I used to be the neighbourhoods babysitter. I babysat for many families and stayed with many families for years. I started when I was 14 and continued to this day (I'm 32). So I like kids and get on great with them.

Around 3 years back or so, many people I went to school with began settling down and it frightened the bejayus out of me. Me, a woman in her late 20s, single but happy and in a good place and behaved like a hippied up teenager. Carefree. Anyways with those around me settling down and me getting older, I decided that it could be about time I try me hand at dating (after a very long break).

I hadn't a clue where to begin but read on boards about internet dating. So I tried that. I was open to the idea of meeting someone with a kid or more.

And I swear to god never again. One guy I met, after our first meeting and he was honest at the start about being a dad, and told me he and the ex are separated. I didn't want to pry too much into it, first meeting and all that. Anyways after that he showed interest in getting to know me more and arranged dates and things. But it was all talk and he never followed through and used his kids as an excuse. First time cancelling, fair enough. Second and third time - ok. Goes into the fourth - and it's just not on. What kind of a lowlife blows another person off and uses their kids as an excuse each time?

Swiftly on from that guy. Second guy I met, turned out he too was a dad. Similiar story, he showed interest but never followed through on things and used his own kid as an excuse along with a range of other excuses too.