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Am I being Irrational & Unreasonable

135

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    The problem is still there - he put friends before you.

    If the boss had not said something would he have changed?

    Again I'd recommend that you both make time for and with each other - your engagement should be a priority for both of you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 304 ✭✭Ann84


    Not only has he literally caused rows with you to maintain a relationship with this girl but...

    Are YOU not completely embarrassed that his relationship with this woman has been so questionable that the management had to raise it with him?

    I would be humiliated at the notion that my bf's colleagues and boss were thinking he was cheating on me...!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks all. The problem has been resolved. After work his manager pulled him in and had a word. Apparently it is all over work that they are together and management are not impressed by relationships between people on the same team. It is strongly discouraged.

    Anyway, he is home with his tail between his legs wondering how he will face work and how damaged his reputation is.

    I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am not at all happy with any of this, particularly that he had to hear it from his boss before he copped on.

    OP this is not resolved at all. See above replies to your most recent post. Sorry but I do not believe for one second that this is the end of it all! Do you honestly believe that they won't ever see each other again outside of work? Doubt it!

    What did you say to him about her and their unnecessary "relationship" and what did he say back?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Trust me. This isn't over as far as the fallout is concerned. I am mortified.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24 MissPink


    Trust me. This isn't over as far as the fallout is concerned. I am mortified.

    OP, I feel very sorry for you. He definitely has a lot of sucking up to do....


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    Trust me. This isn't over as far as the fallout is concerned. I am mortified.

    I'm hearing ya. Ew, that's messy and undignified. Also for messy and undignified for you, to be blunt. I didn't want to say it earlier, but do you have a man or a child in tow? Which were you wanting exactly? I'd be thinking as far as the fallout goes, you have some more falling out with him to do......

    Ps. Hate to say this, as I haven't subscribed to the whole "affair" thing, but was he only delighted to have someone so needy to *ahem* mentor? If so, it seems like he's not confident or satisfied in a relationship with a strong and emotionally stable woman. That class of immaturity is bad news for the future IMO.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Trust me. This isn't over as far as the fallout is concerned. I am mortified.

    You poor thing, I'm not surprised. It should never ever have gone this far though. I think if you both want to move forward in your relationship you're both really going to have to learn from this and establish how it got to this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda


    Hi OP

    I have worked in a good few big companies and on a number of teams. I have seen relationships starting up but I have never heard of a manager take such action. Also if they were out as a group so much then why was he the one suspected of being in a relationship. Why was the whole office talking about them?

    He has categorically ignored and belittled your feelings. He needs to explain why he did that, because it is not a typical reaction. Was his head turned? Did he like the attention? Does he have some type of hero complex? I have had best friends break up and be hurt and I wasn't there for them that much. These are some of he questions he should be answering.

    I think you should show him this thread and then ask him to explain why you should not walk away. Indeed I think you actually should take some time to yourself and hang out with your friends and then see how you feel about things.

    You must be so hurt and I really feel for you. Take some time, trust your instincts, don't be pressurised either way and get out and try and have some fun with your mates.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    OP, I am sorry you are going through this, but am glad for you in a way that the sh!t has hit the fan so that you can discuss this with your partner openly and hopefully have him HEAR what you have to say, because it seems like up til now he was not hearing it.

    You have had to take a back seat while he put someone before you. He noticed and cared more about his friend's feelings over yours, and that is not okay. You should TELL him this. I really don't think you should allow him (in the first conversations about it anyway) to tell you all about her needs, or his needs to help her. He has been far too focused on her, and has essentially abandoned his relationship with you. The fact that he could so easily discard his relationship and time with you for this girl (and his workmates) would be a red flag to me to check in with other aspects of the relationship.

    Whether or not he did this as he thought you would 'understand' or that 'you wouldn't mind', or that he felt that you didn't need attention doesn't matter. What he needs to know is how a relationship needs to be tended to, and the people involved need to care about each other enough to listen, and be present, and want to spend quality time together. It needs to be nurtured. And right now, YOU need to be nurtured.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,962 ✭✭✭✭dark crystal


    Trust me. This isn't over as far as the fallout is concerned. I am mortified.

    You're not the one who should be mortified - your fiance and his little miss needy should be. Lines have been well and truly crossed here and if you really want this relationship to work, there needs to be a very serious discussion about what you expect from him going forward.

    If he's not willing to see just how much he's hurt and disrespected you, I would think very carefully about why that is and whether he's as invested in the relationship as you think he is. It shouldn't have taken his boss to make him stop, it should have been seeing how upset it was making you.

    Best of luck to you, OP.


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  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,922 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    There is obviously more going on between the 2 of them, than between her and anyone else in 'the group'. He's home with his tail between his legs because he got caught.

    Was she pulled in or the guy she slept with?

    There may not have been any physical cheating. But there was something more than just friendship. Nobody goes to that extremes for a friend (or a sister for that matter) and no friend would impose themselves so much on another friend. The carry on of her (and him) was that of someone in a relationship. They may not have physically been in a relationship but one or both of them wished they were.

    He has embarrassed you and disrespected your relationship. I hope you realise that you were the talk of his office... "Poor xxx, she has no idea". Do not just accept that he's copped on. Let him know how completely out of line he was, and he has to stop feeling the need to 'look after' friends of his or yours who are capable adults.

    Very few people in life are THAT vulnerable.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    OP - I wouldnt normally suggest this, but I would think him reading this thread might help him understand.

    Youve defended him to the very last, kept very cool and calm, and you should be very proud of yourself.

    But its time now that the penny drops for him before he looses it all.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    How do you know for sure that his boss did say it? OP I don't think this adds up. You bring it up a few times, even row about it and he disregards that, one word from his boss and suddenly he's concerned? Perhaps she ended things with him? I'm not fully convinced of his side of things.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Tigger99 wrote: »
    How do you know for sure that his boss did say it? OP I don't think this adds up. You bring it up a few times, even row about it and he disregards that, one word from his boss and suddenly he's concerned? Perhaps she ended things with him? I'm not fully convinced of his side of things.

    You might be into something here. Thinking about it further, OP this just doesn't add up. His story was that the whole team hung out. And now suddenly his manager is pulling him up on the whole office thinks they are in a relationship? I'd be suspicious that perhaps they were caught out (the two of them) and now he's in damage control mode spinning a story that people in the office started jumping to conclusions about them incorrectly as he's worried the truth will get back to you. There's no smoke without fire, as they say


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I might be cynical, but to me it sounds like he tried it on with the "friend in need" and was rejected. I don't believe managers would allowed to dictate to their employees who to enter a relationship with, so this sounds really made up to me. I could well be wrong, but something just doesn't add up here.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,126 ✭✭✭seosamh1980


    Holy sh!t....that's a million times worse, if the whole of work thought they were together it must've been some pretty cringy obvious hanging out they were doing together. I would be mortified, and as has been said it's worrying that his issue with this is work related, not about his relationship. While I see that as possibly a sign that it is indeed platonic on his part (he's not even concerned about the fallout with fiancée because to him he knows nothing happened sexually/relationship-wise), it's still weird and crap that he isn't grovelling at your feet, and instead is just thinking about other people's opinion of him/it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    I'm not being harsh or anything, but I doubt it will stop just because management got involved, there is still out of work. I feel there is a lot more to this


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,572 ✭✭✭Colser


    Hi OP..You posted AT 5pm that you were going to talk with him after his run with her and 2 hours later your opening line in your post starts with "problem resolved".Sorry to question timing but that seems a little coincidental to me.
    Also if my manager wrongly accused me of having a relationship with a work colleague I would be furious and certainly wouldnt come home with my tail between my legs..why would I if I had done nothing wrong?
    In fact if they have been accused of something that never actually happened this is the one night I would expect them to be together discussing what they intended to do about it in work as nobody would accept that from their manager if it was unfounded.
    Something isnt adding up for me but if you are happy to accept that this is the end of it with her then that is all that matters.Personally I wouldnt want a fiance at home with me just because his manager had a talk with him about something that he wouldnt talk to me about in fact it would disgust me as much as him spending time with her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,639 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    Yeah, I hate to say it, but I've worked in a lot of big corporations where fraternising was definitely frowned upon, but I have never heard anyone actually pulled into an office and spoken to about their behaviour (unless something utterly shocking happened). If they're all hanging around in a group together etc, as per the party line, then that just wouldn't qualify for a managerial 'intervention'.

    Smells fishy to me too, sorry OP.


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,421 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Could be managements way of handling the car crash that is ms needy. She seems to be causing mayhem. I doubt thats gone unnoticed. Thats the most plausible thing I can come up with.

    Cos otherwise his story stinks.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sounds like someone caught them cheating so this is his plan to try cover it up. Explain away the whispers of the affair before it even reaches your ears. Guys got balls you have to give him that. There's being a trusting partner OP and there's being a complete doormat.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP, you need to seriously consider if you have a future with this man. If the boss pulled him in something must be going on that has the potential to undermine the team's project.

    More importantly, this may be the push you need to demand the answers you need.

    Do you want to invest your future with a man who behaves the way your fiance does and gets hauled up for being unprofessional?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your finance has shown you no respect, he has lied to you, he may have cheated on you and along with this his actions have been noticed by his boss.
    Ms Needy could be happy to cause trouble but he should be able to tell her to get lost.
    Perhaps she flattered his ego or he though he was on to a sure thing with her.
    If his boss said something to him about them both it has been noticeable to the boss or to someone else he worked with.

    At this stage I would not be putting up with this. I would say to him that he needs to tell you the truth or you will find this out.
    I know that you are due to get married but marriage is about more than a wedding day with family and friends. You need to marry some one you love, trust, who is honest with you, who won't cheat and has the maturity to cope if you hit hard times or a bad patch in the future.

    I would be in no rush to marry this man because he is showing you what your life could be like in the future. Do you want to marry a man who could cheat on you, will lie to you and treats you with very little regard?
    It is far easier to end a relationship now rather then getting out of a bad marriage where you might have children involved.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 936 ✭✭✭Fentdog84


    I dont know if its a physical affair but it might as well be, it sounds like he's obsessed with this woman..theres no way he'd be spending that amount of time running around with her otherwise..she sounds a massive pain, always the victim. I dont know if you can forgive being treated like that, he showed a serious lack of respect and judgement towards you and the relationship. Its your call, but i think you should end it with him.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,746 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    Jaypers to all of it.


    This didn't come to light after you said you'd meet them after the run did it?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 19,801 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Holy god almighty. Shocking stuff.

    OP, you are the other woman. This guy has extracted the urine to a poposterous degree.

    Your fiance has either:

    a) no respect for you
    b) no basic common sense
    c) neither respect for you nor basic common sense.

    Why would you marry a man with any of these?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,112 ✭✭✭StripedBoxers


    Holy god almighty. Shocking stuff.

    OP, you are the other woman. This guy has extracted the urine to a poposterous degree.

    Your fiance has either:

    a) no respect for you
    b) no basic common sense
    c) neither respect for you nor basic common sense.

    Why would you marry a man with any of these?
    Personally I don't think he has any of these.

    Quite honestly OP I think this was more serious than just "hanging out" together especially if his/their boss has gotten involved.

    I think he has or is cheating OP but you don't want to believe, accept or acknowledge it. You say she isn't his type, how do you his type hasn't changed since he met her and started working alongside her and hanging out with her or the group? He's not going to announce it is he?

    He said he's worried about about damage to his work reputation, did he say he is worried about the damage he's done to his relationship with you?

    I hope you can find out the truth soon and get to the bottom of this OP, for your sake.

    Personally, I would dump him.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,922 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I don't believe people ever really have "a type". If she's really not his type then he would never spend so much time in her company. He'd be polite. He'd go out occassionally with the group but he would not spend every available waking minute either with her, or in contact with her.

    I suppose I don't have a specific 'type', but there would be a type of person I would NOT be in a relationship with. And if I would not be in a relationship with them, I would not have such a close friends relationship with them that I spend almost 24 hours a day with them

    He needs to be totally honest with you. But I doubt he will be. He will admit to the bare minimum and will spin it in a way to ease your mind. I don't think it's anyone else's place to advise you to end your relationship. Relationships can and do over come foolishness on the part of one or other partner. But that person must admit to their foolishness, and accept what they did was completely unreasonable in a relationship.

    One telling thing about this thread is after pages of replies, and almost 90 replies, not 1 poster thought what he was doing was acceptable on any level. Very very rarely are replies so unanimous in Personal Issues.

    Good luck, OP, I hope you can sort it out to your satisfaction.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    OP, I want to say that the story you have told seems plausible to me. By that, I mean that there is no compelling reason to read more into things than you have told us.

    In the past, I was in a position similar to your fiancé's. I knew a girl whose emotional life fell asunder, and she came to rely on me for psychological support. She absorbed a great deal of my time, but it was as a friend, and that was all. There was nothing else between us - no spark, no sexual attraction, nothing remotely like that. My situation was simpler because I was not then in a relationship, so I could give her time without denying it to somebody else.

    So I think, unless you learn something else, that you should deal with the situation that you have described and not a different problem.

    I think it was quite reasonable of your fiancé to try to help a friend through a difficult time in her life. He was wrong to do it at great cost to you. I note that all this developed very quickly: it started about a month ago, and you already have a litany of complaints, even though you seem to have started on the same page as him.

    How could things have gone so wrong so quickly? My guess is that this "thing" took on a life of its own. He got sucked in, and failed to see what he was getting into. That includes a failure to see what he was doing to you, and his relationship with you. In that, he was seriously at fault. It's not good that it took an external agent, his manager, to shock him into seeing that he was getting things wrong.

    Where might you go from here? I'm not convinced that you need to finish with him (neither am I convinced that you should not). He owes you big-time for the upset he has caused you, and he needs to re-orient his priorities so that he does not let you down again.

    I hope that you don't play the "it's her or me" card. She is still his work colleague and one of a set of friends. But I think you should give him an ultimatum: he has to sort out his priorities: you first, by the proverbial country mile, her and other friends lower down the list.

    It's been a month of madness where he lost focus. Give him the chance to fix things (and I mean fix things properly, not gloss over them).


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,389 ✭✭✭irishguy1983


    He obviously is into her - couldn't be more obvious and I've never met him.


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