Am I being Irrational & Unreasonable

Ann84

OP, it doesnt sound like you really want to face this head On. Lots of people have given good suggestions and you don't seem to address them such as;
1 discussing the issue (calmly not freaking out!) and putting an ultimatum On how long you'll put up with this
2 Going along to a night out - get out of Work early, take a half day... Eat out!!! Just go along and get a real sense of the dynamic!

On a bigger note, you guys are engaged... Are you not saving for a wedding? It's impressive that he can afford such a hectic social life! Is he not helping organise that, I am questioning his priorities here...

And in the bigger big picture, when you do get married, do you see yourself spending every evening sitting at home with the kids while he is out every evening?

Are you really sure that there is a relationship to. save here? And if there is, are you sure it's the right one for you based on your ohs behaviour? You need to put your happiness first, and he should be doing likewise! Best of luck,

dark crystal

I'm genuinely gobsmacked by this whole issue. Are women now so afraid of coming across as jealous or insecure that they'll put up with this sort of appallingly disrespectful behaviour from their partners?

OP, you and this man are engaged to be married, but he's effectively married to this woman instead. She takes priority, she spends more time with him during the week, she goes on dates with him and you're left imploring him to spend more time with you, just as a mistress would. That's fine if you both agreed to having a three-way relationship, but otherwise, their behaviour is totally out of order.

Going forward, it really depends on just how much you're willing to put up with from this man. I would be having strong words, not just with your fiance, but with his 'friend' too. If he chooses her over you, I'd be gone. You deserve more than being second best to anyone.

ronjo

dark crystal wrote: »

I'm genuinely gobsmacked by this whole issue. Are women now so afraid of coming across as jealous or insecure that they'll put up with this sort of appallingly disrespectful behaviour from their partners?

OP, you and this man are engaged to be married, but he's effectively married to this woman instead. She takes priority, she spends more time with him during the week, she goes on dates with him and you're left imploring him to spend more time with you, just as a mistress would. That's fine if you both agreed to having a three-way relationship, but otherwise, their behaviour is totally out of order.

Going forward, it really depends on just how much you're willing to put up with from this man. I would be having strong words, not just with your fiance, but with his 'friend' too. If he chooses her over you, I'd be gone. You deserve more than being second best to anyone.

Shouldnt that say "Some people"?

I agree with the rest though OP. You really need a strong conversation with him.

iPink

In my opinion OP even though you are pretty sure your fiancé isn't having a physical affair he most definitely is having an emotional affair with this other woman...
I honestly could not believe what I was reading & boundaries have not only been crossed but trampled on here...
What about your needs & wants... who's minding you? ?
If I was in your position & I don't say this lightly I'd be having a serious look at my relationship & where it's going
So sorry you are going through this. .. it's really not fair on you

GreeBo

OP I think to get your fiance's attention you need to move out of the house for a few days and leave him to come to you.

That situation is unsustainable and highly disrespectful by him.

tinkerbell

Holy mother of god, OP. I'm actually so angry for you after reading your posts. I cannot believe your fiancé, I'm actually gobsmacked. If I were you and he does not cut this crap immediately, I would be packing his bags and telling him to leave. He is in a relationship with this woman. I mean, let's call a spade a spade here and not be delusional. He works with her (fair enough) and normal work colleagues can socialise regularly. This however is NOT normal. He works with her and then goes for drinks, goes for dinner, goes to the cinema, invites her over to his home and then the rare time they are not together he's texting her like mad. I mean FFS he is just making an absolute fool out of you. Work colleagues do not do that. Hell, even close friends do not do that every day of the week. I mean come on.

I would not put up with that crap from a boyfriend, never mind the man who is going to become your husband. So either you see this for what it is and tell him that he has a choice - either this rubbish stops and he does everything to make it up to you or else you dump him. There is no other option here. It's you or her as this has gone way too far.

Tbh, I'd be questioning the "group" nights out as I seriously doubt a team of 6 do nothing but work and socialise together. You say you trust him but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. It is glaringly obvious something else is going on. I know someone else posted about somebody in college acting similar but this guy is an engaged man and as the guy is working he must be a lot older than a college student and should know better than to behave like this. I think assuming he is the brotherly type is giving him too much credit. This is a very suspicious situation. So OP, even if it's not physical yet, he's definitely having an affair with this woman. He is effectively dating her and you are his bit on the side, although a bit on the side would get more attention than you're getting. I don't know where you actually fit in on all this - his housemate perhaps? Yeah I think housemate is a good description of the role you have been forced to play now.

And I cannot fathom how this woman has the cheek to come to your feckin house! OMG. I would be telling her to GTFO. Your fiancé is a total idiot. And as for that woman - she knows exactly what she's playing at here. So tell him that he's gotta choose - you or her.

dark crystal

tinkerbell wrote: »

And I cannot fathom how this woman has the cheek to come to your feckin house! OMG. I would be telling her to GTFO. Your fiancé is a total idiot. And as for that woman - she knows exactly what she's playing at here. So tell him that he's gotta choose - you or her.

I think because the OP has never drawn a line and set boundaries, this woman believes she is justified in taking up so much of her fiance's time. Unless she makes it clear where the boundaries are, this woman will continue to monopolise both their lives.

The incident where she actually drove to collect this drunken mess and brought her back to their house for her fiance to fuss over, I can't get my head around at all. Where are the boundaries here??

Emme

GreeBo wrote: »

OP I think to get your fiance's attention you need to move out of the house for a few days and leave him to come to you.

That situation is unsustainable and highly disrespectful by him.

I was going to suggest this earlier and in other cases it might be a good idea. In this case if the OP moves out of the house yer wan will move in pronto whether she's invited or not. She'll take up the fiancés time with histrionics etc. and he might not go to the OP.

If the OP thinks the relationship is worth saving it might not be such a good idea. However, if she's willing to let him go at this stage (and lots of people would) then it might be the right thing to do.

Playboy

Wake up, if he hasn't banged already he wants to. It's obvious that she is into him too. It's a totally unnatural situation and you are being taken for a ride and being made a fool of. No guy is going to spend that much time with a girl he is not attracted to unless they have been great friends since childhood.

tinkerbell

dark crystal wrote: »

I think because the OP has never drawn a line and set boundaries, this woman believes she is justified in taking up so much of her fiance's time. Unless she makes it clear where the boundaries are, this woman will continue to monopolise both their lives.

The incident where she actually drove to collect this drunken mess and brought her back to their house for her fiance to fuss over, I can't get my head around at all. Where are the boundaries here??

I doubt it - this woman knows exactly what game she's playing here. She's out every night of the week - cinema, drinks, dinner - with another woman's fiancé. Even if she was the village idiot she would know that's wrong. She knows exactly what she's doing - no doubt she's loving the attention and I would be pretty certain she is interested in the OP's fiancé which is why under no circumstances would I think she's a poor wounded little girl trying to move on from her break up. She's trying to move on alright - and has - to the OP's fiancé as she's pretty much dating him now. As someone else said OP - watch your back.

And I totally agree with not understanding WHY you drove into town to bring another woman back to your home. Christ almighty. OP, you must have major self esteem issues as a result of this behaviour because I can tell you that once you start to see straight again you will be questioning what you were thinking. I'd say this whole escapade has totally knocked you for six and you can't see what's acceptable and not. This is NOT normal.

LegacyUser

OP - I am that wound up over this thread I sincerely wish it were ME confronting your OH.

Tonight should be the night that you sit him down and tell him, it's me or your one..

Sorry OP, at the start of this thread I was optimistic but now I really have to say that if you dont sort this issue out NOW - once and for all, then your engagement looks like it will be over. Unless of course you can continue living like this - which I know is not likely.

Feel terrible for you OP, but I'm really praying that your chat with him goes well! Really rooting for you, even though I really think he has taken the piss out of you for too long now

MissFlitworth

I would cut off the Messenger chats for the moment, it seems to be giving him the false sense that you are actually seeing each other or that that's good enough for you. I'd also flat out tell him you aren't interested in hearing updates on how this person is doing at all.

You're not being irrational, to 'support' someone else, who appears to have a whole group of people around her, he's all but cut you out of his life. What's so special about this person that makes her more important than you? Why is it ok for him to hurt you to try and make someone else feel less hurt? Does he get some kind of buzz out of being someone's knight in shining armor? Is he buzzing from being part of a 'group' that spend a lot of time together? He might have some image of himself in his head as being a Good Person but the way he's treating you makes a mockery out of that, he's being mean if anything.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I am married and I don't have that level of contact with my husband. The only time I ever had that level of contact with a fella was when there was mutual attraction, and we were flirting/woo-ing each other with the hope of it turning into.something more.

Cinema? Dinner? As someone else mentioned they are "dating", and are happy to do it under your nose, because 'you know all about it', so they are not going behind your back.

She's a class manipulator, by the sounds of it. She has him, 'the group' and even YOU running around after her. Sure why would she stop?

emo72

Op, you are well entitled to a rant. This is all so wrong on every level. I have never heard of anyone that spends that much time with their work colleagues.

Why would anyone take so much advantage of someone else's fiancée?

Why is your fiancée neglecting you so much, and worse taking you for granted.

Get it sorted op. You have been far too trusting and understanding.

trio

Sure if she moved out he probably wouldn't even notice - he's never there!!!

OP, for someone who's an independant woman you're a hell of a lot more passive than this little wounded bird. She's getting exactly what she wants. You're getting nada. All you get is to save for half the wedding. Yay.....

Honestly, he may be the best guy in the world, but this is a major personality flaw that would be very off-putting for me when thinking about the next 40 years.

He barely knows you're alive. If he notices you at all, its just to reassure himself how little support you need.

Not only is he being a lousy fiance to you - he's being a lousy FRIEND to you. Think about that.

LegacyUser

To answer some of your questions:

The man with the child does go home but I think that he feels left out of the group and will be out at least one evening a week.

I did not know that I was driving to town to collect her. I got a phone call telling me to get in ASAP, to time to explain. Needless to say, I assumed that I was dealing with my OH being in an accident or something.

As for not addressing the issue, the issue is that I can't actually pin him down to address the bloody issue. I leave the house at quarter past seven. He gets up about 15 mins later. I go to bed around ten, he gets in the door then. Short of calling in sick, I can't physically manage to be in the same place as him. This is my bloody problem. I just want to spend some time alone with him.

I know that boundaries are being swept aside, but it just took off out of nowhere. Everything was fine and suddenly this happened. I understood that he felt the need to support her but suddenly it was all consuming. Literally overnight this morphed into an all consuming obsession.

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

I started this thread 24hrs ago, so I haven't had a chance to do something properly yet. As for not trying to set boundaries, I did. He agreed but couldn't keep out of contact for a night resulting in a row. We discussed this again at the weekend and still couldn't agree, this is why I thought that I might have been unreasonable.

I intend to pin him down this evening. They are going for a run after work and I will be there when they are showered and ready (they shower at work).

Oryx

If it doesnt work with him. Have it out with her. She needs to know (nicely) that she is overstepping the mark with you.

Penny Tration

Oryx wrote: »

If it doesnt work with him. Have it out with her. She needs to know (nicely) that she is overstepping the mark with you.

I wouldn't do this tbh. It's up to your boyfriend to show you some respect. Getting the girl to back off might work for a while, until your boyfriend resents you over it, or until another damsel in distress comes along.

Honestly op, if you can't pin him down, text him. Tell him you need to talk and expect him to be home to ttalk.

If he refuses to acknowledge your concerns, you have to ask are you willing to spend your life with somebody who puts a colleague before you.

As for him not cheating - sure isn't he betraying you already by putting some colleague's emotional needs ahead of yours? You should be more important to him.

December2012

The girl herself isn't the problem. It's your fiancé.

And you might not like me saying this, but it's partially your problem. You and your fiancé should both be making time for each other. That might mean you going to bed an hour later. Or making an effort to go out with him and sometimes his mates.

There should only be the two of you in the relationship and you should both be putting each other first. If the friend was a man I'd be saying the same thing. It's not good for a couple to spend so much time apart when it's bothering you.

Think about your relationship holistically - when do you see each other? What quality time do you give each other?

Eg, would you go for a run with him / watch football with him?

PawneeRanger

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

While I think it's great that you trust your partner so much, I would be wary of letting his past behaviour blind you from what is currently going on. Having it in your head that he will never, ever, ever cheat on you could be resulting in you ignoring what is right in front of your face.

Never say never, OP.

Obliq

PawneeRanger wrote: »

While I think it's great that you trust your partner so much, I would be wary of letting his past behaviour blind you from what is currently going on. Having it in your head that he will never, ever, ever cheat on you could be resulting in you ignoring what is right in front of your face.

Never say never, OP.

I think it's fair enough to say you know someone that well, and know they wouldn't cheat. Although even as a "sisterly" thing, this is going WAAY beyond the pale. My fella wouldn't be long telling me if I was over the top looking after my bro, as we get little enough time together as it is. The issue is as the OP has stated, in my book, and there's no point growing arms and legs on the story if they just aren't there.

Good luck pinning him down this evening OP. Hope it works out for you.

dark crystal

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

To answer some of your questions:

I did not know that I was driving to town to collect her. I got a phone call telling me to get in ASAP, to time to explain. Needless to say, I assumed that I was dealing with my OH being in an accident or something.

Fair enough, but she should have been brought straight back to her own home, not yours. That's the boundary.

As for not addressing the issue, the issue is that I can't actually pin him down to address the bloody issue. I leave the house at quarter past seven. He gets up about 15 mins later. I go to bed around ten, he gets in the door then. Short of calling in sick, I can't physically manage to be in the same place as him. This is my bloody problem. I just want to spend some time alone with him.

The reason you can't address it is because he's constantly with his surrogate wife.

I know that boundaries are being swept aside, but it just took off out of nowhere. Everything was fine and suddenly this happened. I understood that he felt the need to support her but suddenly it was all consuming. Literally overnight this morphed into an all consuming obsession.

Honestly, you need to stop being so understanding about his needs and start worrying about your own.

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

I hope you're right, but whatever about physical cheating, he's most definitely cheating emotionally.

I started this thread 24hrs ago, so I haven't had a chance to do something properly yet. As for not trying to set boundaries, I did. He agreed but couldn't keep out of contact for a night resulting in a row. We discussed this again at the weekend and still couldn't agree, this is why I thought that I might have been unreasonable.

I intend to pin him down this evening. They are going for a run after work and I will be there when they are showered and ready (they shower at work).

Oh man, I can't believe how easygoing you are!

Look, not one poster here believes your fiance's behaviour is normal or acceptable or that you're being unreasonable. Only you can give him permission to continue treating you with disrespect from here on in.

Best of luck with your discussion later

Oryx

He wouldn't be doing any of this 'brotherly' stuff if he wasn't enjoying it. Trust me, if he wasn't he would be wearing your ears off with moans about this girl. He is getting a kick out of being constantly in demand as rescuer. And its getting him out and about lots too, in a way that makes you sound like an uncaring cow if you complain. What a result for him, the big hero!

This is your guy. You need to stake your claim on his time in no uncertain terms. So make fixed plans with him for things you both want to do. These are set in stone and ms needy is not invited! Don't leave this distance thing to worsen or a real rift will develop. Insist on YOUR time with him.

Merkin

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

I love and trust my beloved Mr. Merkin more than anything and would be very hopeful that he wouldn't ever cheat on me. Can I lay claim to unwavering certainty that this would categorically never happen? Of course I couldn't, there are NO certainties in life.

You seem to be rigid in your belief that this would never happen and I think is the reason behind your all to relaxed approach to this very serious issue. He already IS having an emotional affair so to graduate to the physical would not be all that big a leap......

You need to be having serious words. I'm afraid in your anxiety to portray yourself as the independent and chilled fiancée you're actually being taken for a ride.

allym

OP this is so so odd. Like its not normal on any level for him to act this way. Even if he sees her as a "sister" (which I don't believe for a second).

As others have said, he's already having a relationship with her. It may not be physical, but they're dating. He's making her feelings a priority and that is not right! She had a bad day? So fcking what??! Absolutely no reason for him to be prioritising spending time with her over you.

He needs to hear that this is completely unacceptable on any level. The person you prioritise is the person you're in a relationship with. Right now, that's not you and that needs to stop.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. The problem has been resolved. After work his manager pulled him in and had a word. Apparently it is all over work that they are together and management are not impressed by relationships between people on the same team. It is strongly discouraged.

Anyway, he is home with his tail between his legs wondering how he will face work and how damaged his reputation is.

I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am not at all happy with any of this, particularly that he had to hear it from his boss before he copped on.

tinkerbell

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

OP, I have to be blunt - you are being played for a fool. You say that isn't how he sees her - eh well actions speak way louder than words. So let's list his actions then - she is a work colleague who he spends ALL his time outside of work with. He takes her to dinner, he goes for drinks with her, he goes to the cinema with her, he goes for runs with her, he brings her back to his house and she stays over. All this while ignoring his fiancée and refusing to spend time with his fiancée, even when his fiancée is upset over it.

Hello? This ain't rocket science. They may not have had sex yet but they sure as hell are racing their way down that path as he's already having an emotional affair although I think it's further on from that as he is spending every waking minute with her. That is not brotherly love. Do you honestly think that a man would just do a complete 180 on his fiancé and pretty much swap her for this other woman if he wasn't enjoying spending time with her?

You need to text him now and tell him that you need to talk tonight. You've already asked him to stop spending so much time with her, that hasn't worked. I don't like ultimatums but it's you or her, and you're kidding yourself if you think that he wouldn't cheat because his behaviour screams differently.

tinkerbell

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Thanks all. The problem has been resolved. After work his manager pulled him in and had a word. Apparently it is all over work that they are together and management are not impressed by relationships between people on the same team. It is strongly discouraged.

Anyway, he is home with his tail between his legs wondering how he will face work and how damaged his reputation is.

I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am not at all happy with any of this, particularly that he had to hear it from his boss before he copped on.

Hi OP, I'm afraid your problem isn't resolved - far from it. He wouldn't listen to his fiancée - he only takes notice when his boss said something. I think you have some serious thinking to do here on the future of your relationship AND have it out with your fiancé - you must discuss this. The behaviour would have continued if his boss hadn't said anything. He needs to acknowledge what an inconsiderate rotten jerk he was to you.

To say all he's worrying about now is his reputation at work speaks volumes. His first thought should be the damage he's done to his relationship with his fiancée because of this.

Finally, if everyone in work thinks they are together then it sounds like he'd already strayed into cheating territory as his work colleagues see him and her together most likely 40 hours a week so they probably have a better idea than you since you haven't even seen him lately....

Merkin

100% agreed. Very worrying that he would have a flagrant disregard for his fiancée's feelings and suddenly only pay attention because his bloody boss said something. What does that say about the esteem he holds you in OP? It also must have gone pretty far for everyone in work to be talking about it......

MissPink

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Anyway, he is home with his tail between his legs wondering how he will face work and how damaged his reputation is

He should be more concerned about how his relationship with his fiancé is damaged.......

I would absolutely not stand for this.