Am I being Irrational & Unreasonable

LegacyUser

This is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I am not sure if I have thought about it so much that I cannot be rational anymore. This will probably be more like a rant, so sorry in advance.

I have been with my fiance for a long time. He is good, kind and generous. He is very considerate of his friends and co-workers. We generally have a good relationship but recently I am so annoyed with him that I can't think very positively of him at all.

He works in a team of six at work, four male, two female. They were a reasonably close team, they used to go out once a month, etc. About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

My OH started spending more and more time with her, it started with a drink after work or a trip to the cinema but it has completely gotten out of control now. I work an hour later than them and I have an hour long commute, so increasingly I am coming home to an empty house. Every single evening it is a trip to the pub and they will eat there, dinner and the cinema, going for a run/ cycle followed by food somewhere. If they aren't out, she is in our home. She invites herself to stay at the drop of a hat. It is all just building up. I was at home (alone) one night last week and I got a call to come and collect my OH form town. Panicked, based on his voice and the urgency. Drove in and I found them (work people) with her covered in vomit on the ground. We had to bring her home and he had to take care of her.

I told him the following day that I was sick and tired of it and that I hardly saw him. He agreed it was too much and we went out to dinner on Friday. We were supposed to go to the cinema but he had to text her and see how she was getting on. I had had enough and I went home. We had a huge argument and he flatly refuses to cut back on spending time with her. He told me that being there for his friends is what he does. While I accept this, he hasn't been there for me for weeks.

I am close to tears now, another message saying that they are going for a group run and then to someone's house after. This means that I will be home alone until ten at least. I think that if I see an hour of him alone each day, I am doing well. I just don't care about her and her troubles anymore, I feel that she is just taking the piss and so is he.

I don't know if I am being irrational or not, I am so blinded by anger that I cannot think clearly about this. How do I handle it?

December2012

I'm all for being a good friend, particularly when somebody's going through a tough time. And I'm all for work team groups and socialising.

You should both be making time for each other.

He needs to stop putting you second to his group of work friends and you need to not do things like leave on a date night.

Oryx

You are not unreasonable. That woman is a leech. I reckon your oh must be having a good time with her and the group, which is why it isn't bothering him. He needs to wake up a bit, you're being treated horribly.

Tasden

That seems ridiculous. She's a grown woman she doesn't need your partner babysitting her. And your partner is worse for going along with it all.

He shouldn't be leaving you alone to be with a friend all the time. Whether they are male or female is irrelevant, he's disregarding your feelings.

Hopefully another poster can advise you what to actually do about it though because I haven't a notion if he isn't actually listening to you when you've discussed it previously.

But no, I don't think you're being irrational at all personally.

bee06

I would have a problem with his behaviour as well if I was you. He's going over the top with trying to get her through this. He needs to gain more of a balance between being there for her and having time for you. Maybe if you sit him down and explain how this is making you feel in a calm manner rather than bringing it up during a fight he will see your side?

I also think he's probably doing his work friend a bit of a disservice by letting her lean on him too much. She needs to get on with her life and that means making new friends to replace the ones she lost (or get back in contact with the old ones she lost) rather than spending all her time with him.

Ann84

Hi OP,
I think you have been really considerate thus far.
However, screaming alarm bells at the fact that you have voiced your concerns and he seems to be putting his relationship with his colleagues over your relationship.
1. You are right that he is spending too much time because you are feeling neglected.
2. You have tried to talk to him and it turns to a row.
3. He doesn't appear to want to fix it with you.

I think you need to clearly articulate what you want and how long you are willing to wait for things to change (he can't just drop hanging out with her!), do you want him home at least 3/4 nights a week etc?
Then, give him that time to work through things with his friends and try to reignite your relationship with date nights that don't involve talking about this girl!

Obliq

Oh dear Poor you, actually. That's a hard one, and I personally don't think you're being irrational. You don't come across as jealous for the wrong reasons (ie. fears that he might be into her), but more that your needs to see your fiance for a reasonable length of time alone aren't being met. I can see why you had a row, if although he accepts that this is getting a bit much, can't put you first and not let her come between you the way she is.

I feel sorry for her too, and your fiance really. She's clearly a mess and is probably an emotional danger to herself what with the shagging a colleague and the puking in a gutter and having to be rescued, and your fiance clearly can't now cut her loose entirely as they're friends and she's in trouble. There has to be a point though where he maybe stops to think about what all this time spent with her is doing to your relationship. I don't think you're being at all over the top, by the sounds of it. You sound genuinely concerned and fearful about how little notice he's taking of the fact that there's now a third wheel on your relationship.

I have no advice, sorry. Except maybe try and calm your fears and your feelings before he comes home - I know I'd be a bag of nerves wanting to sort this out as soon as he steps in the door, but maybe put your feet up if you can, relax, have a glass of wine (bottle, no. bad idea ), watch some telly and be very very happy to see him when you do (eventually). I'm thinking focus on what you have - this messy friend (don't make her gender an issue, eh?) will either do his head in enough shortly, or sort things out.

m'lady

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

This is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I am not sure if I have thought about it so much that I cannot be rational anymore. This will probably be more like a rant, so sorry in advance.

I have been with my fiance for a long time. He is good, kind and generous. He is very considerate of his friends and co-workers. We generally have a good relationship but recently I am so annoyed with him that I can't think very positively of him at all.

He works in a team of six at work, four male, two female. They were a reasonably close team, they used to go out once a month, etc. About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

My OH started spending more and more time with her, it started with a drink after work or a trip to the cinema but it has completely gotten out of control now. I work an hour later than them and I have an hour long commute, so increasingly I am coming home to an empty house. Every single evening it is a trip to the pub and they will eat there, dinner and the cinema, going for a run/ cycle followed by food somewhere. If they aren't out, she is in our home. She invites herself to stay at the drop of a hat. It is all just building up. I was at home (alone) one night last week and I got a call to come and collect my OH form town. Panicked, based on his voice and the urgency. Drove in and I found them (work people) with her covered in vomit on the ground. We had to bring her home and he had to take care of her.

I told him the following day that I was sick and tired of it and that I hardly saw him. He agreed it was too much and we went out to dinner on Friday. We were supposed to go to the cinema but he had to text her and see how she was getting on. I had had enough and I went home. We had a huge argument and he flatly refuses to cut back on spending time with her. He told me that being there for his friends is what he does. While I accept this, he hasn't been there for me for weeks.

I am close to tears now, another message saying that they are going for a group run and then to someone's house after. This means that I will be home alone until ten at least. I think that if I see an hour of him alone each day, I am doing well. I just don't care about her and her troubles anymore, I feel that she is just taking the piss and so is he.

I don't know if I am being irrational or not, I am so blinded by anger that I cannot think clearly about this. How do I handle it?

No OP I don't think your being irrational at all, and like the previous poster said I'm also on for being a good friend but this is taking it to the extreme. He has outright refused to spend less time with her, after you explaining how you are feeling? Have you both been having problems lately, before this? It doesn't sound like he's caring about your feelings and the fact that your being left alone while he is out with this girl.

I would try and speak to him again, perhaps some place neutral and repeat what you have said here.

StripedBoxers

You need to sit down with your fiance and make it clear, explicitly clear that you cannot and will not tolerate any more of this behaviour.

If he refuses to listen to you, are you going to continue on as you are, or, will you walk away from the relationship?

Personally, if it continued, I would walk, but before doing so, I would make it clear to him that if he continued on with this behaviour and refused to put you, your feelings and your relationship first before this friend that you will walk.

Give him a time frame, say, a month, for example, and make it clear that if within that month his behaviour doesn't change - your relationship is over.

You need to be prepared to follow through with those actions though, no point saying it and then not doing it.

As for this friend, if this is how she behaves, then she could do with some counselling in my opinion. She seems to have absolutely no boundaries, inviting herself over, vomiting all over herself then expecting her friend to take care of her? She has no shame, dignity or boundaries, her behaviour is shameful, as is your fiancé's.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't think at all that he will cheat, etc. He has gone what I would describe as full scale big brother. He is very protective of her and is trying to shield her from the world. I know that he is trying to help (group runs, etc).

There were no issues before this. I would say we went through an extended period where we didn't even disagree. It was just great.

I do feel sorry for her. I think that what she really needs is a break from it all and counselling. She wasn't like this previously.

Part of our problem is that when we do actually see each other, we are tired and stressed. We have so little time that it ends up being about bills, etc. I need to talk to him but finding the time isn't easy.

Jenneke87

Don't mean to jump to wild conclusions, but are you sure they aren't having an affair?

Obliq

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Don't mean to jump to wild conclusions, but are you sure they aren't having an affair?

I'm sure she's been fighting that thought down, which is definitely a wild conclusion and one that everyone jumps to. The OP, to her credit, made absolutely no reference to this fear. I don't really think it's helpful - what she has said is actually happening is plenty to be going on with, tbh, without that speculation I reckon....

Obliq

December2012 wrote: »

I'm all for being a good friend, particularly when somebody's going through a tough time. And I'm all for work team groups and socialising.

You should both be making time for each other.

He needs to stop putting you second to his group of work friends and you need to not do things like leave on a date night.

Just re-read this and I totally agree. With both of you.
a) He didn't need to text her to find out how she was doing when on his own date night. The woman has other work mates.
b) Annoying though this was, walking off is symptomatic of not having expressed yourself clearly enough (ie. sitting it out and calmly saying that the texting felt like there's someone else on the date with you).

I may be jumping to conclusions myself, but OP....was the row somewhat down to the fact you didn't express your feelings of being abandoned a good bit earlier, let it build up, and then BANG - big row....he's dead? I'm only speculating too, but I've done that one myself

ivytwine

This is too much.

For her own good this woman needs to get a life outside of her workmates.

seosamh1980

I had a friend who was in a very similar situation. He was in a long term relationship with my friend, and was one of the sweetest big brother type guys ever. Because of his personality and the fact that he didn't drink a lot of us girls (we were in college at the time) saw him as a very protective mature sensible figure, and he would regularly help us out if we needed it. One girl took it WAY too far, when her boyfriend dumped her she did just like this girl is doing, she would call him crying, and he would call down with a movie, or take her for a drink, or whatever, at any time of day or night. He often went to collect her down town when she was drunk at 4am, leaving his girlfriend at home in bed. His girlfriend was fit to kill but couldn't see a way to stop it, as she knew he wasn't cheating, knew it was just impossible for him to refuse to help someone, even when that person was taking advantage and trying to make a move. I actually remember one night where this girl curled up on his lap in full on slutty lingerie (ah college), his girlfriend nearly lost her mind.

Anyways, it ended when she called him one night hysterical at 4am and said she was going to kill herself. He got straight out of bed and drove down town...only to find her down the road outside a chipper laughing away with a load of people, waiting for him to show up for her. It took that for him to realise she was using him as a crutch in a really cruel and selfish way.

I wouldn't think he is cheating automatically on hearing your story OP, I think he is a nice guy being taken advantage of for her to pretend he is her boyfriend through all of this. I do think you need to explain to him what this is doing to his/your relationship, and that he as at risk of sacrificing it, and it's not his place to fix or entertain this girl 24/7.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

I did explode. In my defense (sort of), I had a CPD thing Tues, so I was late home, tired and stressed. They were out for dinner and they went to the cinema. Wednesday I asked him to come home alone after work because we had not had a single night to ourselves for weeks. She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks. Thursday it was pretty much the same but he promised to cut it out for a but. I meant an evening. Friday, they were at work until five and went out for lunch as a team. I got home around six, rushed to get ready and at half eight he had to text her. Three and a half hours after he had seen her. What also fed into my frustration was that he had seen every single film that I was interested in with her. I just lost the rag (not publicly). I should add that they were having lunch on Sat and watching a match together after.

All I wanted was one night of alone time to be able to catch up. He claims that we chat all the time by message but his messages are basically about how she us and where he is going or what he is doing.

He still isn't home. They are watching a film at another workmates house. I just can't seem to get him to understand that while I feel sorry for her, I don't really care at this stage.

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

retro:electro

All the things he's doing with this woman are things he should be doing with you and not this girl. He is in a relationship with you, not her.

Colser

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Thanks all.

I did explode. In my defense (sort of), I had a CPD thing Tues, so I was late home, tired and stressed. They were out for dinner and they went to the cinema. Wednesday I asked him to come home alone after work because we had not had a single night to ourselves for weeks. She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks. Thursday it was pretty much the same but he promised to cut it out for a but. I meant an evening. Friday, they were at work until five and went out for lunch as a team. I got home around six, rushed to get ready and at half eight he had to text her. Three and a half hours after he had seen her. What also fed into my frustration was that he had seen every single film that I was interested in with her. I just lost the rag (not publicly). I should add that they were having lunch on Sat and watching a match together after.

All I wanted was one night of alone time to be able to catch up. He claims that we chat all the time by message but his messages are basically about how she us and where he is going or what he is doing.

He still isn't home. They are watching a film at another workmates house. I just can't seem to get him to understand that while I feel sorry for her, I don't really care at this stage.

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

Hi OP..I think you are way too understanding in this situation.He works with her all day and then spends every evening and Saturday with her, Im sorry but there is absolutely no way I would tolerate that.I dont know of anyone who spends that much time with someone else be they a friend or even a partner.Is he just coming home to sleep?
If you are unwilling to issue an ultimatum the only thing I can suggest is that you text him every evening before you leave work and find out his plans are and say that you will be joining them.There shouldnt be any problem in you all going to the pub ,dinner or cinema .I know this will be a hassle for you but its the only way I can see around it.Maybe this would put a stop to it.Also as hard as it is I wouldnt let her know how you feel about the situation as I think she may use it to her advantage.Just remember its your fiance that you have the issue with (easier said than done I know). Good Luck

Obliq

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

OP, there's a limit to how confident and secure you are going to feel if this carries on. I suspect that he sees you as a rock of good sense, emotionally steady and unshakeable in your relationship, and the impression I'm getting from you is that you wouldn't like to look vulnerable (as you've been SUPER cool thusfar, but correct me if I'm wrong).

Maybe it's about time he saw how you're feeling a bit more? One explosive episode isn't going to cut it, clearly. Tell him how properly sad you are about losing your time together to his work colleagues. Tell him you miss him, and how lonely you are. You don't always have to be the strong one here - seemingly he's well equipped to be protective, so start needing some protection missus. You need looking after too eh?

Those tears you've been fighting down are allowed to come out sometimes hon.

Teyla Emmagan

This is bananas OP. He is basically seeing her every day of the week. That's just way over the line for colleagues. I take it none of the rest of the team have families or anything? They are overdoing it in general with the hanging out together thing IMO.

In any case, of course you are being driven demented. This girl seems super needy and all over the shop, I can't see her behaviour ending soon, not when everyone is rallying around her and she doesn't have to face anything by herself. Your boyfriend seems very kind, but he's doing nobody any favours here.

Emme

OP, would it be possible for you to meet up with him and the group on one of the nights out? I know you work later and have a longer commute but you might be able to meet them in the pub after one of their meals out. Suggest this to your fiancé in a nice way. If he's happy with this there's no problem. If he isn't happy with this then I would question your relationship. Texting his colleague the night you were supposed to go to the cinema together is not on.

He may see himself as being a big brother but I think his colleague might see him in another way. Some women see an attached man as a challenge. I know I'm thinking the worst here but did your fiancé tell you that she slept with another guy in the work group to avert your suspicions that they might be having an affair?

If you think the relationship is worth saving you need to act now and stake your claim. Meet him and his work group when they're out (her included), and be calm, pleasant and nice to everyone even though it might kill you to be nice to her.

Also talk to your fiancé and tell him you're not happy with him spending all his time with his work group. He needs to spend time with you too.

robbiezero

I doubt there is any suggestion of an affair or anything like that. He just sounds like one of those idiots who thinks women are like little broken-winged birds who need his protection and care.

always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends

If I was a girl and my boyfriend was at that crack, that would annoy the hell out of me. What business is it of his to be protective of them?

I doubt very much they are doing yer wan any good anyway with their over-indulgence of her. It will take her far longer to get back to normal with a group pandering to her like that.

ManOfMystery

Your boyfriend needs to step into line pronto OP. IMO you are being way, way too tolerant. This situation is ridiculous.

What's her anxiety/down days all about anyway? She dumped her boyfriend, not the other way round. And then she slept with a guy and it didn't go anywhere - big deal - we've all been there and done it. I can't understand why your bf would think she's in such a fragile state that he has to spend 7 days a week with her.

If I was you, it would be ultimatum time.

LegacyUser

OP - I would literally be fuming if I was in your position, no way would I put up with that sh*te.

I understand you've had a chat with him but I don't think he's hearing you! From your posts, it doesn't seem to me like he's cheating. But that girl does have him wrapped around her finger. And I'm sorry like I know he's part of a team in work etc. but HELLO - there is no need to spend every night with them when he's been working with them all day. No way in hell would I put up with that.
I honestly cannot believe your BF cant see the issue here. And as for herself? Thinking it's fine to invite herself to your home? Nope. Sorry OP you know yourself this cant continue, while I don't like the idea of an ultimatum, I honestly cant see any other way your BF is going to cop on and awaken from that dream land he's in!

Fair enough a few drinks here and there etc, but this is incessant and it's not acceptable! He's not her minder, he's not her big brother or her boyfriend. She needs to stop using him as a crutch and he needs to stop letting her. There's a fine line between being a friend and being a doormat.

Merkin

Your softly softly approach clearly isn't working. In fact I really don't know how you've remained so level headed because if I were in your shoes I would be going absolutely ape sh1t, no matter how kind hearted or protective or philanthropic he is, your relationship is suffering because of this "friendship".

There are a couple of things for me that simply don't add up. I've worked in places with teams where there was a really sociable element to the
work and we had great fun but once or twice a week for a few bevvies or the odd dinner here and there would be the height of it. The amount of interaction these people are having almost sounds like some kind of freaking cult. Who the hell wants to spend 9-5 with people and then spend every single moment of their time with them going for drinks/dinner/cinema/running/movie. I would hazard a guess and say nobody. People have their own lives and unless they are on really amazing salaries, socializing 5-6 nights a week until bedtime would be pretty costly as well (as well as being pretty tiresome, I'd be so bored seeing the same people day in day out). So I have to ask, are you sure these are all bona fide group activities or do you think it may just be the two of them and they use the "group" story to take the bad look of it?

I also think the girl in question is a piece of work. I'd be watching your back. Your fiancé may be as loyal and committed as the day is long but he is seriously misguided to be getting this close to another female and not see how it must look. Is he a bit gullible and naïve? Has he a history of falling for helpless damsels and rescue kittens? Because if he not actually cheating, he is being an unwitting accomplice in whatever kind of game she is trying to play. I'm all for other girls and respecting boundaries and I don't know any woman who would expect a man in a committed relationship to spend this amount of time with them......it's bizarre and inappropriate and just weird. She sounds like a total leech as well. First shagging one of the lads on the team (apparently) and then acting brokenhearted and snotting on your boyfriends shoulder to get over it? Has she no social life of her own? I know women like that and they're not friends of mine, put it that way.

It has been pointed out on this thread that rather than keeping all of this in and then blowing a gasket, you need to organize quite a serious sit down about the effect this is having on you and how unhappy this is making you. You said you've addressed the issue before and he did nothing about it so he either a. didn't fully comprehend the brevity of the situation and you need to get your point properly across or b. he really has been taken in quite seriously by this girl and there is the potential that there could be more to the story. Sit down and have a chat, organize specific date nights with him (just the two of you) as regularly as possible and work out between you what is and isn't an acceptable level of socializing where neither of you will feel hard done by. I'd still be watching my back though.

Merkin

I was actually thinking about this since I posted OP and I was just wondering, has your fiancé ever before displayed codependency issues? Does he thrive on being needed and has difficulty with boundaries etc? I'm not going to go into it here as it's quite an exhaustive topic but you should have a little read up on it, may be worth thinking about.

Big Bag of Chips

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks.

I'd question this. What is so special about this one person, that an entire group will drop everything to go out for dinner and drinks just to cheer her up after a bad day?

Are you sure 'the group' were actually there.. and if 'the group' are so readily available to go out with her at the drop of a hat, then surely your bf should be able to step away from it more often.. because 'the group' have it covered.

It doesn't sound good, OP. That constant level of contact is not right. I would be suspicious of something more going on between them, and even if it is all completely innocent, then he is putting her ahead of you constantly, when there is no need to... Especially if others are around to 'cheer her up'.

How long is she going to milk this for? How long is he going to make himself available to her? How long more are you willing to put up with it?

Personally, I think you're being made a fool of.

bee06

I would be of the opinion that there isn't anything going on because they are spending so much time together. Surely they'd be more discreet if they were having an affair? Also a girl who is trying to seduce a man generally isn't going to get so drunk she pukes all over her self ... not sexy.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I am pretty independent so he never does this rescue stuff with me. He is protective but this is a new level entirely.

The team range in age from about 27 to 32. My OH, married woman whose husband works away for the week, thid girl, single guy, married man wuth a child and another recently single man. They are more or less free with their time.

I can't really join them most of the time. They are in the cinema by the time I get home or they are drunk/ leaving to go somewhere else by the time I get there. I also need to eat.

I am normally really laid back but this is just out of control. I can't seem to pin him down alone for long enough to actually chat properly.

Emme

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd question this. What is so special about this one person, that an entire group will drop everything to go out for dinner and drinks just to cheer her up after a bad day?

Are you sure 'the group' were actually there.. and if 'the group' are so readily available to go out with her at the drop of a hat, then surely your bf should be able to step away from it more often.. because 'the group' have it covered.

It doesn't sound good, OP. That constant level of contact is not right. I would be suspicious of something more going on between them, and even if it is all completely innocent, then he is putting her ahead of you constantly, when there is no need to... Especially if others are around to 'cheer her up'.

How long is she going to milk this for? How long is he going to make himself available to her? How long more are you willing to put up with it?

Personally, I think you're being made a fool of.

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

These two things stood out but I don't want to think the worst - that the OP's fiancé is cheating. Maybe he isn't and this destructive little attention seeker is taking advantage of his good nature. She sounds like an out and out troublemaker and doesn't care about anyone but herself. There's no excuse for getting drunk and puking all over yourself.

Why did this girl break up with her boyfriend? Did she do it so she could see somebody else? If so, who could that somebody else be?

Who told the OP that this girl slept with another man on the team? I don't doubt that she did sleep with another man on the team but it may not be a once off.

The OP said in her first post that her fiancé's work team went out about once a month up until now. Once a month. Why has this suddenly changed? Where do they all get the time to go out every night? If they have partners do they (like the OP's fiancé :rolleyes:) leave their partners at home every night?

It doesn't add up.

When she drops into the OP's home does her fiancé spend most of his time talking to her and not the OP?

Maybe the OP needs to let her fiancé know how upset and angry she is at the way things are.

If the OP's fiancé doesn't start putting her first again in the next month (and that means NO contact with the other girl outside of work) then she should think about ending the relationship.

Emme

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

The team range in age from about 27 to 32. My OH, married woman whose husband works away for the week, thid girl, single guy, married man wuth a child and another recently single man. They are more or less free with their time.

I can't really join them most of the time. They are in the cinema by the time I get home or they are drunk/ leaving to go somewhere else by the time I get there. I also need to eat.

Maybe they are free with their time and they are of an age when people go out with their work crowd a good bit. What about the married man with a child? Does he hang around all evening with them or does he go home to his wife and child? I remember a work gang of that age group (accountants) used to hang out like that. They'd get drunk and it was fairly innocent most of the time but sometimes people would end up kissing people they shouldn't. Funnily enough there was one particular girl who made it her business to snog guys in relationships (nobody was married) but she had the name of being a troublemaker. If anyone did kiss her it would be forgotten the next day but I think your fiancé is not showing you any respect.

You say you need to eat. Fair enough. Could you have a light snack at your desk in the afternoon and arrange to meet your fiancé and his group later for dinner? Ask him if they will wait for you? That sounds reasonable enough. If they're not prepared to wait he should let them on and wait for you himself.

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

I am normally really laid back but this is just out of control. I can't seem to pin him down alone for long enough to actually chat properly.

You need to talk to him. Has communication and everything else gone down the swanny of late?

Are you renting together or have you bought a place between you?

Let your fiancé know how tired you are, how hard you work and that you'd like to sit down with him long enough for a proper chat. Tell him you want a date night together once a week, just the two of you with no interruptions. Turn off your phones during this time and focus on each other.