Am I being Irrational & Unreasonable

LegacyUser

This is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I am not sure if I have thought about it so much that I cannot be rational anymore. This will probably be more like a rant, so sorry in advance.

I have been with my fiance for a long time. He is good, kind and generous. He is very considerate of his friends and co-workers. We generally have a good relationship but recently I am so annoyed with him that I can't think very positively of him at all.

He works in a team of six at work, four male, two female. They were a reasonably close team, they used to go out once a month, etc. About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

My OH started spending more and more time with her, it started with a drink after work or a trip to the cinema but it has completely gotten out of control now. I work an hour later than them and I have an hour long commute, so increasingly I am coming home to an empty house. Every single evening it is a trip to the pub and they will eat there, dinner and the cinema, going for a run/ cycle followed by food somewhere. If they aren't out, she is in our home. She invites herself to stay at the drop of a hat. It is all just building up. I was at home (alone) one night last week and I got a call to come and collect my OH form town. Panicked, based on his voice and the urgency. Drove in and I found them (work people) with her covered in vomit on the ground. We had to bring her home and he had to take care of her.

I told him the following day that I was sick and tired of it and that I hardly saw him. He agreed it was too much and we went out to dinner on Friday. We were supposed to go to the cinema but he had to text her and see how she was getting on. I had had enough and I went home. We had a huge argument and he flatly refuses to cut back on spending time with her. He told me that being there for his friends is what he does. While I accept this, he hasn't been there for me for weeks.

I am close to tears now, another message saying that they are going for a group run and then to someone's house after. This means that I will be home alone until ten at least. I think that if I see an hour of him alone each day, I am doing well. I just don't care about her and her troubles anymore, I feel that she is just taking the piss and so is he.

I don't know if I am being irrational or not, I am so blinded by anger that I cannot think clearly about this. How do I handle it?

December2012

I'm all for being a good friend, particularly when somebody's going through a tough time. And I'm all for work team groups and socialising.

You should both be making time for each other.

He needs to stop putting you second to his group of work friends and you need to not do things like leave on a date night.

Oryx

You are not unreasonable. That woman is a leech. I reckon your oh must be having a good time with her and the group, which is why it isn't bothering him. He needs to wake up a bit, you're being treated horribly.

Tasden

That seems ridiculous. She's a grown woman she doesn't need your partner babysitting her. And your partner is worse for going along with it all.

He shouldn't be leaving you alone to be with a friend all the time. Whether they are male or female is irrelevant, he's disregarding your feelings.

Hopefully another poster can advise you what to actually do about it though because I haven't a notion if he isn't actually listening to you when you've discussed it previously.

But no, I don't think you're being irrational at all personally.

bee06

I would have a problem with his behaviour as well if I was you. He's going over the top with trying to get her through this. He needs to gain more of a balance between being there for her and having time for you. Maybe if you sit him down and explain how this is making you feel in a calm manner rather than bringing it up during a fight he will see your side?

I also think he's probably doing his work friend a bit of a disservice by letting her lean on him too much. She needs to get on with her life and that means making new friends to replace the ones she lost (or get back in contact with the old ones she lost) rather than spending all her time with him.

Ann84

Hi OP,
I think you have been really considerate thus far.
However, screaming alarm bells at the fact that you have voiced your concerns and he seems to be putting his relationship with his colleagues over your relationship.
1. You are right that he is spending too much time because you are feeling neglected.
2. You have tried to talk to him and it turns to a row.
3. He doesn't appear to want to fix it with you.

I think you need to clearly articulate what you want and how long you are willing to wait for things to change (he can't just drop hanging out with her!), do you want him home at least 3/4 nights a week etc?
Then, give him that time to work through things with his friends and try to reignite your relationship with date nights that don't involve talking about this girl!

Obliq

Oh dear Poor you, actually. That's a hard one, and I personally don't think you're being irrational. You don't come across as jealous for the wrong reasons (ie. fears that he might be into her), but more that your needs to see your fiance for a reasonable length of time alone aren't being met. I can see why you had a row, if although he accepts that this is getting a bit much, can't put you first and not let her come between you the way she is.

I feel sorry for her too, and your fiance really. She's clearly a mess and is probably an emotional danger to herself what with the shagging a colleague and the puking in a gutter and having to be rescued, and your fiance clearly can't now cut her loose entirely as they're friends and she's in trouble. There has to be a point though where he maybe stops to think about what all this time spent with her is doing to your relationship. I don't think you're being at all over the top, by the sounds of it. You sound genuinely concerned and fearful about how little notice he's taking of the fact that there's now a third wheel on your relationship.

I have no advice, sorry. Except maybe try and calm your fears and your feelings before he comes home - I know I'd be a bag of nerves wanting to sort this out as soon as he steps in the door, but maybe put your feet up if you can, relax, have a glass of wine (bottle, no. bad idea ), watch some telly and be very very happy to see him when you do (eventually). I'm thinking focus on what you have - this messy friend (don't make her gender an issue, eh?) will either do his head in enough shortly, or sort things out.

m'lady

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

This is something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now and I am not sure if I have thought about it so much that I cannot be rational anymore. This will probably be more like a rant, so sorry in advance.

I have been with my fiance for a long time. He is good, kind and generous. He is very considerate of his friends and co-workers. We generally have a good relationship but recently I am so annoyed with him that I can't think very positively of him at all.

He works in a team of six at work, four male, two female. They were a reasonably close team, they used to go out once a month, etc. About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

My OH started spending more and more time with her, it started with a drink after work or a trip to the cinema but it has completely gotten out of control now. I work an hour later than them and I have an hour long commute, so increasingly I am coming home to an empty house. Every single evening it is a trip to the pub and they will eat there, dinner and the cinema, going for a run/ cycle followed by food somewhere. If they aren't out, she is in our home. She invites herself to stay at the drop of a hat. It is all just building up. I was at home (alone) one night last week and I got a call to come and collect my OH form town. Panicked, based on his voice and the urgency. Drove in and I found them (work people) with her covered in vomit on the ground. We had to bring her home and he had to take care of her.

I told him the following day that I was sick and tired of it and that I hardly saw him. He agreed it was too much and we went out to dinner on Friday. We were supposed to go to the cinema but he had to text her and see how she was getting on. I had had enough and I went home. We had a huge argument and he flatly refuses to cut back on spending time with her. He told me that being there for his friends is what he does. While I accept this, he hasn't been there for me for weeks.

I am close to tears now, another message saying that they are going for a group run and then to someone's house after. This means that I will be home alone until ten at least. I think that if I see an hour of him alone each day, I am doing well. I just don't care about her and her troubles anymore, I feel that she is just taking the piss and so is he.

I don't know if I am being irrational or not, I am so blinded by anger that I cannot think clearly about this. How do I handle it?

No OP I don't think your being irrational at all, and like the previous poster said I'm also on for being a good friend but this is taking it to the extreme. He has outright refused to spend less time with her, after you explaining how you are feeling? Have you both been having problems lately, before this? It doesn't sound like he's caring about your feelings and the fact that your being left alone while he is out with this girl.

I would try and speak to him again, perhaps some place neutral and repeat what you have said here.

StripedBoxers

You need to sit down with your fiance and make it clear, explicitly clear that you cannot and will not tolerate any more of this behaviour.

If he refuses to listen to you, are you going to continue on as you are, or, will you walk away from the relationship?

Personally, if it continued, I would walk, but before doing so, I would make it clear to him that if he continued on with this behaviour and refused to put you, your feelings and your relationship first before this friend that you will walk.

Give him a time frame, say, a month, for example, and make it clear that if within that month his behaviour doesn't change - your relationship is over.

You need to be prepared to follow through with those actions though, no point saying it and then not doing it.

As for this friend, if this is how she behaves, then she could do with some counselling in my opinion. She seems to have absolutely no boundaries, inviting herself over, vomiting all over herself then expecting her friend to take care of her? She has no shame, dignity or boundaries, her behaviour is shameful, as is your fiancé's.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't think at all that he will cheat, etc. He has gone what I would describe as full scale big brother. He is very protective of her and is trying to shield her from the world. I know that he is trying to help (group runs, etc).

There were no issues before this. I would say we went through an extended period where we didn't even disagree. It was just great.

I do feel sorry for her. I think that what she really needs is a break from it all and counselling. She wasn't like this previously.

Part of our problem is that when we do actually see each other, we are tired and stressed. We have so little time that it ends up being about bills, etc. I need to talk to him but finding the time isn't easy.

Jenneke87

Don't mean to jump to wild conclusions, but are you sure they aren't having an affair?

Obliq

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Don't mean to jump to wild conclusions, but are you sure they aren't having an affair?

I'm sure she's been fighting that thought down, which is definitely a wild conclusion and one that everyone jumps to. The OP, to her credit, made absolutely no reference to this fear. I don't really think it's helpful - what she has said is actually happening is plenty to be going on with, tbh, without that speculation I reckon....

Obliq

December2012 wrote: »

I'm all for being a good friend, particularly when somebody's going through a tough time. And I'm all for work team groups and socialising.

You should both be making time for each other.

He needs to stop putting you second to his group of work friends and you need to not do things like leave on a date night.

Just re-read this and I totally agree. With both of you.
a) He didn't need to text her to find out how she was doing when on his own date night. The woman has other work mates.
b) Annoying though this was, walking off is symptomatic of not having expressed yourself clearly enough (ie. sitting it out and calmly saying that the texting felt like there's someone else on the date with you).

I may be jumping to conclusions myself, but OP....was the row somewhat down to the fact you didn't express your feelings of being abandoned a good bit earlier, let it build up, and then BANG - big row....he's dead? I'm only speculating too, but I've done that one myself

ivytwine

This is too much.

For her own good this woman needs to get a life outside of her workmates.

seosamh1980

I had a friend who was in a very similar situation. He was in a long term relationship with my friend, and was one of the sweetest big brother type guys ever. Because of his personality and the fact that he didn't drink a lot of us girls (we were in college at the time) saw him as a very protective mature sensible figure, and he would regularly help us out if we needed it. One girl took it WAY too far, when her boyfriend dumped her she did just like this girl is doing, she would call him crying, and he would call down with a movie, or take her for a drink, or whatever, at any time of day or night. He often went to collect her down town when she was drunk at 4am, leaving his girlfriend at home in bed. His girlfriend was fit to kill but couldn't see a way to stop it, as she knew he wasn't cheating, knew it was just impossible for him to refuse to help someone, even when that person was taking advantage and trying to make a move. I actually remember one night where this girl curled up on his lap in full on slutty lingerie (ah college), his girlfriend nearly lost her mind.

Anyways, it ended when she called him one night hysterical at 4am and said she was going to kill herself. He got straight out of bed and drove down town...only to find her down the road outside a chipper laughing away with a load of people, waiting for him to show up for her. It took that for him to realise she was using him as a crutch in a really cruel and selfish way.

I wouldn't think he is cheating automatically on hearing your story OP, I think he is a nice guy being taken advantage of for her to pretend he is her boyfriend through all of this. I do think you need to explain to him what this is doing to his/your relationship, and that he as at risk of sacrificing it, and it's not his place to fix or entertain this girl 24/7.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

I did explode. In my defense (sort of), I had a CPD thing Tues, so I was late home, tired and stressed. They were out for dinner and they went to the cinema. Wednesday I asked him to come home alone after work because we had not had a single night to ourselves for weeks. She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks. Thursday it was pretty much the same but he promised to cut it out for a but. I meant an evening. Friday, they were at work until five and went out for lunch as a team. I got home around six, rushed to get ready and at half eight he had to text her. Three and a half hours after he had seen her. What also fed into my frustration was that he had seen every single film that I was interested in with her. I just lost the rag (not publicly). I should add that they were having lunch on Sat and watching a match together after.

All I wanted was one night of alone time to be able to catch up. He claims that we chat all the time by message but his messages are basically about how she us and where he is going or what he is doing.

He still isn't home. They are watching a film at another workmates house. I just can't seem to get him to understand that while I feel sorry for her, I don't really care at this stage.

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

retro:electro

All the things he's doing with this woman are things he should be doing with you and not this girl. He is in a relationship with you, not her.

Colser

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Thanks all.

I did explode. In my defense (sort of), I had a CPD thing Tues, so I was late home, tired and stressed. They were out for dinner and they went to the cinema. Wednesday I asked him to come home alone after work because we had not had a single night to ourselves for weeks. She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks. Thursday it was pretty much the same but he promised to cut it out for a but. I meant an evening. Friday, they were at work until five and went out for lunch as a team. I got home around six, rushed to get ready and at half eight he had to text her. Three and a half hours after he had seen her. What also fed into my frustration was that he had seen every single film that I was interested in with her. I just lost the rag (not publicly). I should add that they were having lunch on Sat and watching a match together after.

All I wanted was one night of alone time to be able to catch up. He claims that we chat all the time by message but his messages are basically about how she us and where he is going or what he is doing.

He still isn't home. They are watching a film at another workmates house. I just can't seem to get him to understand that while I feel sorry for her, I don't really care at this stage.

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

Hi OP..I think you are way too understanding in this situation.He works with her all day and then spends every evening and Saturday with her, Im sorry but there is absolutely no way I would tolerate that.I dont know of anyone who spends that much time with someone else be they a friend or even a partner.Is he just coming home to sleep?
If you are unwilling to issue an ultimatum the only thing I can suggest is that you text him every evening before you leave work and find out his plans are and say that you will be joining them.There shouldnt be any problem in you all going to the pub ,dinner or cinema .I know this will be a hassle for you but its the only way I can see around it.Maybe this would put a stop to it.Also as hard as it is I wouldnt let her know how you feel about the situation as I think she may use it to her advantage.Just remember its your fiance that you have the issue with (easier said than done I know). Good Luck

Obliq

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

He is a nice person, always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends but he is such an idiot. I am so frustrated because I know that I will just end up exploding.

OP, there's a limit to how confident and secure you are going to feel if this carries on. I suspect that he sees you as a rock of good sense, emotionally steady and unshakeable in your relationship, and the impression I'm getting from you is that you wouldn't like to look vulnerable (as you've been SUPER cool thusfar, but correct me if I'm wrong).

Maybe it's about time he saw how you're feeling a bit more? One explosive episode isn't going to cut it, clearly. Tell him how properly sad you are about losing your time together to his work colleagues. Tell him you miss him, and how lonely you are. You don't always have to be the strong one here - seemingly he's well equipped to be protective, so start needing some protection missus. You need looking after too eh?

Those tears you've been fighting down are allowed to come out sometimes hon.

Teyla Emmagan

This is bananas OP. He is basically seeing her every day of the week. That's just way over the line for colleagues. I take it none of the rest of the team have families or anything? They are overdoing it in general with the hanging out together thing IMO.

In any case, of course you are being driven demented. This girl seems super needy and all over the shop, I can't see her behaviour ending soon, not when everyone is rallying around her and she doesn't have to face anything by herself. Your boyfriend seems very kind, but he's doing nobody any favours here.

Emme

OP, would it be possible for you to meet up with him and the group on one of the nights out? I know you work later and have a longer commute but you might be able to meet them in the pub after one of their meals out. Suggest this to your fiancé in a nice way. If he's happy with this there's no problem. If he isn't happy with this then I would question your relationship. Texting his colleague the night you were supposed to go to the cinema together is not on.

He may see himself as being a big brother but I think his colleague might see him in another way. Some women see an attached man as a challenge. I know I'm thinking the worst here but did your fiancé tell you that she slept with another guy in the work group to avert your suspicions that they might be having an affair?

If you think the relationship is worth saving you need to act now and stake your claim. Meet him and his work group when they're out (her included), and be calm, pleasant and nice to everyone even though it might kill you to be nice to her.

Also talk to your fiancé and tell him you're not happy with him spending all his time with his work group. He needs to spend time with you too.

robbiezero

I doubt there is any suggestion of an affair or anything like that. He just sounds like one of those idiots who thinks women are like little broken-winged birds who need his protection and care.

always very protective of some of my less secure or confident friends

If I was a girl and my boyfriend was at that crack, that would annoy the hell out of me. What business is it of his to be protective of them?

I doubt very much they are doing yer wan any good anyway with their over-indulgence of her. It will take her far longer to get back to normal with a group pandering to her like that.

ManOfMystery

Your boyfriend needs to step into line pronto OP. IMO you are being way, way too tolerant. This situation is ridiculous.

What's her anxiety/down days all about anyway? She dumped her boyfriend, not the other way round. And then she slept with a guy and it didn't go anywhere - big deal - we've all been there and done it. I can't understand why your bf would think she's in such a fragile state that he has to spend 7 days a week with her.

If I was you, it would be ultimatum time.

LegacyUser

OP - I would literally be fuming if I was in your position, no way would I put up with that sh*te.

I understand you've had a chat with him but I don't think he's hearing you! From your posts, it doesn't seem to me like he's cheating. But that girl does have him wrapped around her finger. And I'm sorry like I know he's part of a team in work etc. but HELLO - there is no need to spend every night with them when he's been working with them all day. No way in hell would I put up with that.
I honestly cannot believe your BF cant see the issue here. And as for herself? Thinking it's fine to invite herself to your home? Nope. Sorry OP you know yourself this cant continue, while I don't like the idea of an ultimatum, I honestly cant see any other way your BF is going to cop on and awaken from that dream land he's in!

Fair enough a few drinks here and there etc, but this is incessant and it's not acceptable! He's not her minder, he's not her big brother or her boyfriend. She needs to stop using him as a crutch and he needs to stop letting her. There's a fine line between being a friend and being a doormat.

Merkin

Your softly softly approach clearly isn't working. In fact I really don't know how you've remained so level headed because if I were in your shoes I would be going absolutely ape sh1t, no matter how kind hearted or protective or philanthropic he is, your relationship is suffering because of this "friendship".

There are a couple of things for me that simply don't add up. I've worked in places with teams where there was a really sociable element to the
work and we had great fun but once or twice a week for a few bevvies or the odd dinner here and there would be the height of it. The amount of interaction these people are having almost sounds like some kind of freaking cult. Who the hell wants to spend 9-5 with people and then spend every single moment of their time with them going for drinks/dinner/cinema/running/movie. I would hazard a guess and say nobody. People have their own lives and unless they are on really amazing salaries, socializing 5-6 nights a week until bedtime would be pretty costly as well (as well as being pretty tiresome, I'd be so bored seeing the same people day in day out). So I have to ask, are you sure these are all bona fide group activities or do you think it may just be the two of them and they use the "group" story to take the bad look of it?

I also think the girl in question is a piece of work. I'd be watching your back. Your fiancé may be as loyal and committed as the day is long but he is seriously misguided to be getting this close to another female and not see how it must look. Is he a bit gullible and naïve? Has he a history of falling for helpless damsels and rescue kittens? Because if he not actually cheating, he is being an unwitting accomplice in whatever kind of game she is trying to play. I'm all for other girls and respecting boundaries and I don't know any woman who would expect a man in a committed relationship to spend this amount of time with them......it's bizarre and inappropriate and just weird. She sounds like a total leech as well. First shagging one of the lads on the team (apparently) and then acting brokenhearted and snotting on your boyfriends shoulder to get over it? Has she no social life of her own? I know women like that and they're not friends of mine, put it that way.

It has been pointed out on this thread that rather than keeping all of this in and then blowing a gasket, you need to organize quite a serious sit down about the effect this is having on you and how unhappy this is making you. You said you've addressed the issue before and he did nothing about it so he either a. didn't fully comprehend the brevity of the situation and you need to get your point properly across or b. he really has been taken in quite seriously by this girl and there is the potential that there could be more to the story. Sit down and have a chat, organize specific date nights with him (just the two of you) as regularly as possible and work out between you what is and isn't an acceptable level of socializing where neither of you will feel hard done by. I'd still be watching my back though.

Merkin

I was actually thinking about this since I posted OP and I was just wondering, has your fiancé ever before displayed codependency issues? Does he thrive on being needed and has difficulty with boundaries etc? I'm not going to go into it here as it's quite an exhaustive topic but you should have a little read up on it, may be worth thinking about.

Big Bag of Chips

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

She had a bad day so they (group) went for dinner and drinks.

I'd question this. What is so special about this one person, that an entire group will drop everything to go out for dinner and drinks just to cheer her up after a bad day?

Are you sure 'the group' were actually there.. and if 'the group' are so readily available to go out with her at the drop of a hat, then surely your bf should be able to step away from it more often.. because 'the group' have it covered.

It doesn't sound good, OP. That constant level of contact is not right. I would be suspicious of something more going on between them, and even if it is all completely innocent, then he is putting her ahead of you constantly, when there is no need to... Especially if others are around to 'cheer her up'.

How long is she going to milk this for? How long is he going to make himself available to her? How long more are you willing to put up with it?

Personally, I think you're being made a fool of.

bee06

I would be of the opinion that there isn't anything going on because they are spending so much time together. Surely they'd be more discreet if they were having an affair? Also a girl who is trying to seduce a man generally isn't going to get so drunk she pukes all over her self ... not sexy.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

I am pretty independent so he never does this rescue stuff with me. He is protective but this is a new level entirely.

The team range in age from about 27 to 32. My OH, married woman whose husband works away for the week, thid girl, single guy, married man wuth a child and another recently single man. They are more or less free with their time.

I can't really join them most of the time. They are in the cinema by the time I get home or they are drunk/ leaving to go somewhere else by the time I get there. I also need to eat.

I am normally really laid back but this is just out of control. I can't seem to pin him down alone for long enough to actually chat properly.

Emme

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd question this. What is so special about this one person, that an entire group will drop everything to go out for dinner and drinks just to cheer her up after a bad day?

Are you sure 'the group' were actually there.. and if 'the group' are so readily available to go out with her at the drop of a hat, then surely your bf should be able to step away from it more often.. because 'the group' have it covered.

It doesn't sound good, OP. That constant level of contact is not right. I would be suspicious of something more going on between them, and even if it is all completely innocent, then he is putting her ahead of you constantly, when there is no need to... Especially if others are around to 'cheer her up'.

How long is she going to milk this for? How long is he going to make himself available to her? How long more are you willing to put up with it?

Personally, I think you're being made a fool of.

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

About a month ago, one of the girls broke up with her boyfriend. She dumped him and it seems all of her friends sided with him or had left the area. She was confiding in my OH, telling him how lonely she was, how hard it was to be back with her parents, etc. So, he started to spend more time with her, invited her around for dinner, organised nights out with the team, etc. She then slept with one of the other men on the team and while he thought of it as a once off, she was devastated (apparently) when she realised.

These two things stood out but I don't want to think the worst - that the OP's fiancé is cheating. Maybe he isn't and this destructive little attention seeker is taking advantage of his good nature. She sounds like an out and out troublemaker and doesn't care about anyone but herself. There's no excuse for getting drunk and puking all over yourself.

Why did this girl break up with her boyfriend? Did she do it so she could see somebody else? If so, who could that somebody else be?

Who told the OP that this girl slept with another man on the team? I don't doubt that she did sleep with another man on the team but it may not be a once off.

The OP said in her first post that her fiancé's work team went out about once a month up until now. Once a month. Why has this suddenly changed? Where do they all get the time to go out every night? If they have partners do they (like the OP's fiancé :rolleyes:) leave their partners at home every night?

It doesn't add up.

When she drops into the OP's home does her fiancé spend most of his time talking to her and not the OP?

Maybe the OP needs to let her fiancé know how upset and angry she is at the way things are.

If the OP's fiancé doesn't start putting her first again in the next month (and that means NO contact with the other girl outside of work) then she should think about ending the relationship.

Emme

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

The team range in age from about 27 to 32. My OH, married woman whose husband works away for the week, thid girl, single guy, married man wuth a child and another recently single man. They are more or less free with their time.

I can't really join them most of the time. They are in the cinema by the time I get home or they are drunk/ leaving to go somewhere else by the time I get there. I also need to eat.

Maybe they are free with their time and they are of an age when people go out with their work crowd a good bit. What about the married man with a child? Does he hang around all evening with them or does he go home to his wife and child? I remember a work gang of that age group (accountants) used to hang out like that. They'd get drunk and it was fairly innocent most of the time but sometimes people would end up kissing people they shouldn't. Funnily enough there was one particular girl who made it her business to snog guys in relationships (nobody was married) but she had the name of being a troublemaker. If anyone did kiss her it would be forgotten the next day but I think your fiancé is not showing you any respect.

You say you need to eat. Fair enough. Could you have a light snack at your desk in the afternoon and arrange to meet your fiancé and his group later for dinner? Ask him if they will wait for you? That sounds reasonable enough. If they're not prepared to wait he should let them on and wait for you himself.

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

I am normally really laid back but this is just out of control. I can't seem to pin him down alone for long enough to actually chat properly.

You need to talk to him. Has communication and everything else gone down the swanny of late?

Are you renting together or have you bought a place between you?

Let your fiancé know how tired you are, how hard you work and that you'd like to sit down with him long enough for a proper chat. Tell him you want a date night together once a week, just the two of you with no interruptions. Turn off your phones during this time and focus on each other.

Ann84

OP, it doesnt sound like you really want to face this head On. Lots of people have given good suggestions and you don't seem to address them such as;
1 discussing the issue (calmly not freaking out!) and putting an ultimatum On how long you'll put up with this
2 Going along to a night out - get out of Work early, take a half day... Eat out!!! Just go along and get a real sense of the dynamic!

On a bigger note, you guys are engaged... Are you not saving for a wedding? It's impressive that he can afford such a hectic social life! Is he not helping organise that, I am questioning his priorities here...

And in the bigger big picture, when you do get married, do you see yourself spending every evening sitting at home with the kids while he is out every evening?

Are you really sure that there is a relationship to. save here? And if there is, are you sure it's the right one for you based on your ohs behaviour? You need to put your happiness first, and he should be doing likewise! Best of luck,

dark crystal

I'm genuinely gobsmacked by this whole issue. Are women now so afraid of coming across as jealous or insecure that they'll put up with this sort of appallingly disrespectful behaviour from their partners?

OP, you and this man are engaged to be married, but he's effectively married to this woman instead. She takes priority, she spends more time with him during the week, she goes on dates with him and you're left imploring him to spend more time with you, just as a mistress would. That's fine if you both agreed to having a three-way relationship, but otherwise, their behaviour is totally out of order.

Going forward, it really depends on just how much you're willing to put up with from this man. I would be having strong words, not just with your fiance, but with his 'friend' too. If he chooses her over you, I'd be gone. You deserve more than being second best to anyone.

ronjo

dark crystal wrote: »

I'm genuinely gobsmacked by this whole issue. Are women now so afraid of coming across as jealous or insecure that they'll put up with this sort of appallingly disrespectful behaviour from their partners?

OP, you and this man are engaged to be married, but he's effectively married to this woman instead. She takes priority, she spends more time with him during the week, she goes on dates with him and you're left imploring him to spend more time with you, just as a mistress would. That's fine if you both agreed to having a three-way relationship, but otherwise, their behaviour is totally out of order.

Going forward, it really depends on just how much you're willing to put up with from this man. I would be having strong words, not just with your fiance, but with his 'friend' too. If he chooses her over you, I'd be gone. You deserve more than being second best to anyone.

Shouldnt that say "Some people"?

I agree with the rest though OP. You really need a strong conversation with him.

iPink

In my opinion OP even though you are pretty sure your fiancé isn't having a physical affair he most definitely is having an emotional affair with this other woman...
I honestly could not believe what I was reading & boundaries have not only been crossed but trampled on here...
What about your needs & wants... who's minding you? ?
If I was in your position & I don't say this lightly I'd be having a serious look at my relationship & where it's going
So sorry you are going through this. .. it's really not fair on you

GreeBo

OP I think to get your fiance's attention you need to move out of the house for a few days and leave him to come to you.

That situation is unsustainable and highly disrespectful by him.

tinkerbell

Holy mother of god, OP. I'm actually so angry for you after reading your posts. I cannot believe your fiancé, I'm actually gobsmacked. If I were you and he does not cut this crap immediately, I would be packing his bags and telling him to leave. He is in a relationship with this woman. I mean, let's call a spade a spade here and not be delusional. He works with her (fair enough) and normal work colleagues can socialise regularly. This however is NOT normal. He works with her and then goes for drinks, goes for dinner, goes to the cinema, invites her over to his home and then the rare time they are not together he's texting her like mad. I mean FFS he is just making an absolute fool out of you. Work colleagues do not do that. Hell, even close friends do not do that every day of the week. I mean come on.

I would not put up with that crap from a boyfriend, never mind the man who is going to become your husband. So either you see this for what it is and tell him that he has a choice - either this rubbish stops and he does everything to make it up to you or else you dump him. There is no other option here. It's you or her as this has gone way too far.

Tbh, I'd be questioning the "group" nights out as I seriously doubt a team of 6 do nothing but work and socialise together. You say you trust him but I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. It is glaringly obvious something else is going on. I know someone else posted about somebody in college acting similar but this guy is an engaged man and as the guy is working he must be a lot older than a college student and should know better than to behave like this. I think assuming he is the brotherly type is giving him too much credit. This is a very suspicious situation. So OP, even if it's not physical yet, he's definitely having an affair with this woman. He is effectively dating her and you are his bit on the side, although a bit on the side would get more attention than you're getting. I don't know where you actually fit in on all this - his housemate perhaps? Yeah I think housemate is a good description of the role you have been forced to play now.

And I cannot fathom how this woman has the cheek to come to your feckin house! OMG. I would be telling her to GTFO. Your fiancé is a total idiot. And as for that woman - she knows exactly what she's playing at here. So tell him that he's gotta choose - you or her.

dark crystal

tinkerbell wrote: »

And I cannot fathom how this woman has the cheek to come to your feckin house! OMG. I would be telling her to GTFO. Your fiancé is a total idiot. And as for that woman - she knows exactly what she's playing at here. So tell him that he's gotta choose - you or her.

I think because the OP has never drawn a line and set boundaries, this woman believes she is justified in taking up so much of her fiance's time. Unless she makes it clear where the boundaries are, this woman will continue to monopolise both their lives.

The incident where she actually drove to collect this drunken mess and brought her back to their house for her fiance to fuss over, I can't get my head around at all. Where are the boundaries here??

Emme

GreeBo wrote: »

OP I think to get your fiance's attention you need to move out of the house for a few days and leave him to come to you.

That situation is unsustainable and highly disrespectful by him.

I was going to suggest this earlier and in other cases it might be a good idea. In this case if the OP moves out of the house yer wan will move in pronto whether she's invited or not. She'll take up the fiancés time with histrionics etc. and he might not go to the OP.

If the OP thinks the relationship is worth saving it might not be such a good idea. However, if she's willing to let him go at this stage (and lots of people would) then it might be the right thing to do.

Playboy

Wake up, if he hasn't banged already he wants to. It's obvious that she is into him too. It's a totally unnatural situation and you are being taken for a ride and being made a fool of. No guy is going to spend that much time with a girl he is not attracted to unless they have been great friends since childhood.

tinkerbell

dark crystal wrote: »

I think because the OP has never drawn a line and set boundaries, this woman believes she is justified in taking up so much of her fiance's time. Unless she makes it clear where the boundaries are, this woman will continue to monopolise both their lives.

The incident where she actually drove to collect this drunken mess and brought her back to their house for her fiance to fuss over, I can't get my head around at all. Where are the boundaries here??

I doubt it - this woman knows exactly what game she's playing here. She's out every night of the week - cinema, drinks, dinner - with another woman's fiancé. Even if she was the village idiot she would know that's wrong. She knows exactly what she's doing - no doubt she's loving the attention and I would be pretty certain she is interested in the OP's fiancé which is why under no circumstances would I think she's a poor wounded little girl trying to move on from her break up. She's trying to move on alright - and has - to the OP's fiancé as she's pretty much dating him now. As someone else said OP - watch your back.

And I totally agree with not understanding WHY you drove into town to bring another woman back to your home. Christ almighty. OP, you must have major self esteem issues as a result of this behaviour because I can tell you that once you start to see straight again you will be questioning what you were thinking. I'd say this whole escapade has totally knocked you for six and you can't see what's acceptable and not. This is NOT normal.

LegacyUser

OP - I am that wound up over this thread I sincerely wish it were ME confronting your OH.

Tonight should be the night that you sit him down and tell him, it's me or your one..

Sorry OP, at the start of this thread I was optimistic but now I really have to say that if you dont sort this issue out NOW - once and for all, then your engagement looks like it will be over. Unless of course you can continue living like this - which I know is not likely.

Feel terrible for you OP, but I'm really praying that your chat with him goes well! Really rooting for you, even though I really think he has taken the piss out of you for too long now

MissFlitworth

I would cut off the Messenger chats for the moment, it seems to be giving him the false sense that you are actually seeing each other or that that's good enough for you. I'd also flat out tell him you aren't interested in hearing updates on how this person is doing at all.

You're not being irrational, to 'support' someone else, who appears to have a whole group of people around her, he's all but cut you out of his life. What's so special about this person that makes her more important than you? Why is it ok for him to hurt you to try and make someone else feel less hurt? Does he get some kind of buzz out of being someone's knight in shining armor? Is he buzzing from being part of a 'group' that spend a lot of time together? He might have some image of himself in his head as being a Good Person but the way he's treating you makes a mockery out of that, he's being mean if anything.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I am married and I don't have that level of contact with my husband. The only time I ever had that level of contact with a fella was when there was mutual attraction, and we were flirting/woo-ing each other with the hope of it turning into.something more.

Cinema? Dinner? As someone else mentioned they are "dating", and are happy to do it under your nose, because 'you know all about it', so they are not going behind your back.

She's a class manipulator, by the sounds of it. She has him, 'the group' and even YOU running around after her. Sure why would she stop?

emo72

Op, you are well entitled to a rant. This is all so wrong on every level. I have never heard of anyone that spends that much time with their work colleagues.

Why would anyone take so much advantage of someone else's fiancée?

Why is your fiancée neglecting you so much, and worse taking you for granted.

Get it sorted op. You have been far too trusting and understanding.

trio

Sure if she moved out he probably wouldn't even notice - he's never there!!!

OP, for someone who's an independant woman you're a hell of a lot more passive than this little wounded bird. She's getting exactly what she wants. You're getting nada. All you get is to save for half the wedding. Yay.....

Honestly, he may be the best guy in the world, but this is a major personality flaw that would be very off-putting for me when thinking about the next 40 years.

He barely knows you're alive. If he notices you at all, its just to reassure himself how little support you need.

Not only is he being a lousy fiance to you - he's being a lousy FRIEND to you. Think about that.

LegacyUser

To answer some of your questions:

The man with the child does go home but I think that he feels left out of the group and will be out at least one evening a week.

I did not know that I was driving to town to collect her. I got a phone call telling me to get in ASAP, to time to explain. Needless to say, I assumed that I was dealing with my OH being in an accident or something.

As for not addressing the issue, the issue is that I can't actually pin him down to address the bloody issue. I leave the house at quarter past seven. He gets up about 15 mins later. I go to bed around ten, he gets in the door then. Short of calling in sick, I can't physically manage to be in the same place as him. This is my bloody problem. I just want to spend some time alone with him.

I know that boundaries are being swept aside, but it just took off out of nowhere. Everything was fine and suddenly this happened. I understood that he felt the need to support her but suddenly it was all consuming. Literally overnight this morphed into an all consuming obsession.

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

I started this thread 24hrs ago, so I haven't had a chance to do something properly yet. As for not trying to set boundaries, I did. He agreed but couldn't keep out of contact for a night resulting in a row. We discussed this again at the weekend and still couldn't agree, this is why I thought that I might have been unreasonable.

I intend to pin him down this evening. They are going for a run after work and I will be there when they are showered and ready (they shower at work).

Oryx

If it doesnt work with him. Have it out with her. She needs to know (nicely) that she is overstepping the mark with you.

Penny Tration

Oryx wrote: »

If it doesnt work with him. Have it out with her. She needs to know (nicely) that she is overstepping the mark with you.

I wouldn't do this tbh. It's up to your boyfriend to show you some respect. Getting the girl to back off might work for a while, until your boyfriend resents you over it, or until another damsel in distress comes along.

Honestly op, if you can't pin him down, text him. Tell him you need to talk and expect him to be home to ttalk.

If he refuses to acknowledge your concerns, you have to ask are you willing to spend your life with somebody who puts a colleague before you.

As for him not cheating - sure isn't he betraying you already by putting some colleague's emotional needs ahead of yours? You should be more important to him.

December2012

The girl herself isn't the problem. It's your fiancé.

And you might not like me saying this, but it's partially your problem. You and your fiancé should both be making time for each other. That might mean you going to bed an hour later. Or making an effort to go out with him and sometimes his mates.

There should only be the two of you in the relationship and you should both be putting each other first. If the friend was a man I'd be saying the same thing. It's not good for a couple to spend so much time apart when it's bothering you.

Think about your relationship holistically - when do you see each other? What quality time do you give each other?

Eg, would you go for a run with him / watch football with him?

PawneeRanger

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

Whatever her intentions, he won't cheat. It just isn't how he sees her. He views her very much like a sister and has said that she reminds him of his sister. I have known him for so long and she just isn't his type, on any level.

While I think it's great that you trust your partner so much, I would be wary of letting his past behaviour blind you from what is currently going on. Having it in your head that he will never, ever, ever cheat on you could be resulting in you ignoring what is right in front of your face.

Never say never, OP.