Am I being Irrational & Unreasonable

Toots

OP has your fiancé actually said to this woman that he is cutting contact with her? And did she get called in by the boss or was it just him?

LegacyUser

I just can't understand how you are willing to brush all of his ridiculous (insanely ridiculous) behaviour under the carpet.

He has behaved like a prize dck, and I don't trust the sob story that he's just a poor little boy who has been used because he's just so nice. Come ON!! God, you'd have to travel far to find someone as thick / with no idea of the outside world as he pretends to be.

You've been taken for a mug - and apparently his behaviour with Little Miss Needy is so OTT that his boss and family have felt it necessary to step in. But none of it it is his fault, right?!??

Past behaviour won't guarantee or ruin your future - but it's a reasonable predictor. And your prediction is that he will continue to ignore your feelings got ever, and will constantly have his head turned.

Do you really want to be with this self confessed idiot (or, more likely, manipulative idiot).

I'd get out sooner rather than later.

Czarcasm

Having read the last eleven pages OP, your boyfriend sounds like the only person he suits, is himself. I doubt very much that his boss said boo to him tbh, I doubt his sister's speech had any effect on him. He cut off contact with this girl because HE decided he'd had enough. You can make up all the lists you want, but soon as he feels he's got an inch again, he'll take a mile when the next girl comes along.

You honestly shouldn't have to be making lists anyway to tell a grown man how to behave appropriately, let alone give him instructions on how to show you he gives a damn about YOU. He should want to give a damn about you without being told how to do it.

Your boyfriend isn't half as stupid as you think he is tbh. You have no idea what he was telling this girl either, and the whole "bonding time" thing - the staff that works together, exercises together, eats together, drinks together, goes to the cinema together... Your boyfriend is either a secret scientologist, or more likely he's just filling you full of shìt knowing you'll believe anything as long as you think you're in control. Did you honestly think he'd give up a job like that and the social life it affords him, or did you just want to believe that? "Ahh well there's no need to go that far now", "OK then".

You're saying there's no trust there, but from my reading of your boyfriend's attitude and behaviour so far in this thread, something tells me he doesn't give a **** about whether you trust him or not, he'll push and manipulate and cross whatever boundaries he feels like, with the sole aim of pleasing himself.

Wise up a small bit OP, you're the more gullible mug here, and well your boyfriend knows it.

Big Bag of Chips

For the rest of your life are you going to have to call his family in to point out to him when there's trouble? Relationships are not easy. They go through bad patches. They go through hardships. Life adds stresses. Are you going to have to let his family in on personal details of your relationship so they can step in to sort it out again?

I agree with everyone else who says the problems in your relationship run deeper than this girl. She's just highlighted them.

missjm

Wow, I've just spent ages reading 9 pages and really didn't expect the outcome you explain in the end.
In all of this you come off as an absolute Saint to be honest. I'd have thrown him out pages ago!

A few things that stood out to me and sorry for coming in late when it appears to be somewhat resolved.

Firstly, I don't believe his stories. I don't believe he was always in a group with this girl and I don't believe there was absolutely nothing going on that his boss took him aside and had words. It's true that a lot of companies frown on relationships between team members but no manager would call their employee into a room and warn them without being absolutely certain something was going on. Sorry, but it's true.
I do agree that this girl is a bit off the scale with her contact with him etc. However, she was being encouraged.

The only part where I'll cut this guy a tiny break is when you explain the leeway you give him with other female friends. Going abroad staying with one etc. Truthfully, I wouldn't be okay with that either but it's clear you've trusted him 100% in the past. I'm beginning to wonder if that was a good thing. Perhaps he thinks whatever he does, your going to be okay with it.

lilylimerick29

Your fella sounds like a right aul handbag! bawling and crying and doing the dr phil bit for some looney in work. Ugh, I'd have his bags packed, 4 years ago!

LegacyUser

Even if your BF is entirely genuine about this girl, what has gone on, and how he feels about her (which I don't even 1% believe), the biggest indicator for me is that people just simply don't drop everyone else in their life if a work colleague / friend / good friend / family member is having a sh*t time. It just doesn't happen.

You know when people do this? In the event of someone incredilbly close having a terminal illness, or else for someone they're besotted by. I can't think of any scenario where a friend having a cr*p time = ignore your family, partner, social obligations - especially when your boss, family & partner have pointed it out and pulled you up on it! People just don't do that.

I think it's almost certain that your BF is not your BF any more. He's her BF now. Whether they've had sex or not is irrelevant - if he hasn't, he's just 'doing the right thing' until ye split up. Honestly, I'd say they're taking every opportunity to be together (and making up fairy stories of justifying it) until he annoys you enough so that you dump him.

IMHO, it's over, has been for the past while, he has a new GF, and you are being played by a master manipulator. Get the hell out and never contact this manipulator (pretending to be a man-child) ever again.

Linoge

His grand gesture of quitting his job, getting a demotion etc. was just that - a gesture. It sounds great but realistically, in this CEC would you really have had him go ahead with it??

The reason why he asked you what he needs to do and not come up with these "rules" himself is that way he can get away with the very minimum of what he needs to do to keep you happy. For example you never told him to, on no uncertain terms, to tell this girl to stop contacting him - so he didnt! Still emailing him and texting him away. Did you tell him to delete her from FB? Delete her number? If you haven't, did he take any initiative to do this himself? What steps has he taken that wasn't explicitly laid out by you?

Also, as with everyone else here, I think you are way too caught up in his "type". Relationship, marriage, kids - absolutely can understand that. Sexual attraction however does not need a type.

summer_chic

So Bloody Frustrated wrote: »

He offered the CPD thing himself because she asked (by email at night) if they could do it together so that they could have some alone time.

He was getting plenty attention and enjoying the excitement of a risk free (he felt) adventure. Plus he was the hero, constantly helping his damsel in distress.

I think that the difference between what I said and what his sister said was that she laid out the potential for cheating, I didn't. I focused on how abandoned I felt and how sidelined I felt. He just looked at me and saw his girlfriend demanding more attention when someone else clearly needed it

I suspect that it wasn't until this weekend that he really grasped the enormity of the situation.

I've edited your post to highlight your acceptance of his behaviour. I understand you want to work at it, but you need to work on your confidence first ,so you can deal with him as an equal. you have been humiliated by the one person who should cherish you while he has had his ego massaged , that's perhaps why you continue to make excuses for his behaviour towards you. It's very simple : you deserve better. Much better. Remember that and demand it . No lists should be required if he truly understands what he has done wrong - he should figure out how to fix it all by himself. Perhaps you could ask him how he'd feel on behalf of his female friends if their partners behaved like that towards them ?