Cheated-take them back or it's over for good?

helloworld15 · 14-03-2014 05:20PM #1

Personally I do not think I would take them back... For me it would not actually be about the cheating, well a bit obviously but it would be more to do with how could I trust him again with anything... I don't think I would ever get past the betrayal of trust.

I know some people get back and sometimes stay together and it works out but for me I just don't know. Thankfully I have never yet to make that decision but it could easily happen I guess just hope it never does!

14-03-2014 05:32PM

It's entirely context dependent. Some situations are black and white, others are various (50, even

) shades of grey.

It's not always clear cut.

username123 · 14-03-2014 05:36PM

It totally depends on the context and nature of the situation.

A one off drunken fling followed by horror and remorse versus months of calmly going behind your back versus multiple indiscretions etc.....

beks101 · 14-03-2014 07:42PM

Gonna go out on a limb here and say no.

For me the very premise on which the relationship was built would fall down around me if my trust was betrayed in such a way. Would be like my best friend b1tching about me and my family, spreading lies behind my back or something - it's just sh1tting all over the friendship, which has been built over time through love and trust and demonstration of loyalty and care for each other.

With a relationship, love and care and trust and then cheating...does not compute for me. Thinking any deeper about it is just looking for excuses IMO.

HotHHead · 14-03-2014 09:27PM

If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. I agree situation can vary so its never just black and white.

Being drunk is never an excuse either IMO, a friend of mine has gone through this recently and there still living together, he thinks all is ok but shes a raving lunatic, checking phone, following him etc... its no way to live..

cookiecakes · 14-03-2014 10:39PM

I don't think I could ever take someone back. No matter how sorry they were, I'd always wonder whether they would do it again. I think it totally depends on the type of person you are though. I'm the type to hold a grudge for forever so i just don't think it would be in my DNA to ever really forgive them!

m'lady · 15-03-2014 12:35AM

I think I could possibly try and take them back, but I would find it so hard to trust again and each time their phone went off or they were going out I'd be thinking the worst, and end up being a paranoid mess. I do think it depends on the context, a drunken regretted fling is different to a premeditated affair/fling- but the end result for me would be the same- trust would be gone, and more than likely never return.

StripedBoxers · 15-03-2014 12:53AM

I would never take anyone back if they cheated. I just wouldn't be able to trust them again and would rather not have someone in my life who could treat me and treat our relationship so terribly.

Drink, drugs etc is absolutely no excuse/reason either in my opinion.

Addle · 15-03-2014 07:48AM

Candie wrote: »

It's entirely context dependent. Some situations are black and white, others are various (50, even ) shades of grey.

It's not always clear cut.

And I think that until you're in the situation, you really don't know how you'll react.

mountai · 15-03-2014 07:51AM

Everyone deserves ONE mistake.

Chattastrophe! · 15-03-2014 01:29PM

It just depends on the person and on the relationship.

I'd find it hard to continue my relationship with my boyfriend if he cheated on me. It's not that I think it's an unforgiveable offence ... it's more a case that I know him, I know he wouldn't cheat, it's just not in him to do it ... if he did, he wouldn't be the person that I know and love. I imagine it would be very hard to get my head around it.

I don't think it's necessarily a dealbreaker though, as said above, it's not necessarily always black and white.

PucaMama · 15-03-2014 08:46PM

mountai wrote: »

Everyone deserves ONE mistake.

would you accept that from your wife/gf?

mountai · 15-03-2014 10:20PM

I did

15-03-2014 10:22PM

mountai wrote: »

I did

It all depends on the size and circumstances of the mistake too though. We all have our limits.

kittycati · 15-03-2014 10:27PM

Personally ,I never would .But I believe when people try make it work, It is never the same. Even if they say they have forgiven its never forgotten really...

fallen01angel · 20-03-2014 08:42PM

I would have always said never ever ever.....until it happened to me.A man I truly loved literally devastated me by cheating once(that I knew of).Eventually,I took him back.....6 months later I realised that whatever "love" we had was permanently wiped out by his actions and I finished it.
Now all I know that it is it's impossible to say one way or another what you'll do until it happens to you and a lot of it depends on depth of feelings for the cheating partner.

Neyite · 21-03-2014 11:05AM

I'd forgive, certainly, but I dont think that the relationship would ever recover tbh. So in that sense, I think its prolonging the agony of an inevitable separation anyway.

Right now I love the fact I have no doubts, no jealousy, that absolute security in knowing he is faithful. If I stayed with a cheat, I'd want to trust them, but I think I'd always wonder if he was really out with his friends, if that really was his brother that texted him, if he was tempted again. So I'd become a different distrustful person because of it and I think long term it would make me unhappy so it would not be worth it.

Ilyana 2.0 · 21-03-2014 06:45PM

I don't think I could take them back, it's a complete disregard for the relationship IMO. It'd take a very, very strong person to be able to trust a cheating partner again.

My bf and I have been through a lot, and have worked so, so hard to get to where we are. If he cheated, I'd feel like he'd thrown it all away and that it all meant nothing to him. There'd be no coming back from it. Whether it was a ONS or something more would be irrelevant.

I know I seem very black-and-white about it, but it's a black-and-white situation to me.

Chazz Michael Michaels · 21-03-2014 06:47PM

No. Just no. (To taking them back)

Zebra62 · 21-03-2014 06:53PM

No taking them back, once a cheater always a cheater, you would be only accepting their behaviour and thus be giving them the green light to re-cheat, imo

beks101 · 21-03-2014 07:46PM

Zebra62 wrote: »

once a cheater always a cheater

For all the anti-cheating rhetoric I hear, this is one I don't believe.

It's just too one-dimensional and holds no regard for the fact that people grow, and mature, and learn from their mistakes and regrets, and develop new coping mechanisms and are changed and influenced by their relationships.

My boyfriend is the most honest, loyal, caring guy I've met maybe ever - to the point where it's still a bit of a culture shock to get used to the seamless trust and friendship between us, where there was always drama and distrust before.

But he cheated a few times in his first relationship and never hid that from me. He was young, immature, blind to consequences as most teenagers are and opportunistic, bored, horny. That's exactly how he explained it to me and he said the relationship would never recover from it - but it took time for his young mind to realize that.

He said it fcuked him up in the head and taught him a lot about relationships, how important it is to be selective in who you end up with and nurturing that once the early infatuation phase has passed. He spent loads of time single in his twenties as a result and avoided falling into anything out of convenience, as he did with his ex.

I think people are complicated and very flawed. I couldn't align his previous behaviour with my own values - but nor could he with his own values - and the person I fell in love with is someone who bettered himself as a result of a regret that wasn't representative of who he is.

Ann Landers · 22-03-2014 01:48AM

beks101 wrote: »

For all the anti-cheating rhetoric I hear, this is one I don't believe.

It's just too one-dimensional and holds no regard for the fact that people grow, and mature, and learn from their mistakes and regrets, and develop new coping mechanisms and are changed and influenced by their relationships.

My boyfriend is the most honest, loyal, caring guy I've met maybe ever - to the point where it's still a bit of a culture shock to get used to the seamless trust and friendship between us, where there was always drama and distrust before.

But he cheated a few times in his first relationship and never hid that from me. He was young, immature, blind to consequences as most teenagers are and opportunistic, bored, horny. That's exactly how he explained it to me and he said the relationship would never recover from it - but it took time for his young mind to realize that.

He said it fcuked him up in the head and taught him a lot about relationships, how important it is to be selective in who you end up with and nurturing that once the early infatuation phase has passed. He spent loads of time single in his twenties as a result and avoided falling into anything out of convenience, as he did with his ex.

I think people are complicated and very flawed. I couldn't align his previous behaviour with my own values - but nor could he with his own values - and the person I fell in love with is someone who bettered himself as a result of a regret that wasn't representative of who he is.

I think if cheating continues into adult life, it's much more of a red flag though.

Legs.Eleven · 22-03-2014 10:25AM

I'd be devastated and couldn't trust the person again and anything I felt for them would turn to resentment as time went on, so no, I couldn't take them back.

RacoonQueen · 22-03-2014 10:39AM

I'd never be able to trust them agian. It takes a lot for me to let people into my life so for my trust to be broken like that would be unforgivable.

Went out with a guy before, nothing serious really but still, at the time another guy was still asking me out! We were talking about him and I told him that other than the fact I didn't like him like that I'd never go out with him as he was chasing me while in a long term relationship with someone else. He said ''just because he cheats on someone else doesn't mean he'll cheat on you...''
Set alarm bells ringing a bit. Guess who cheated on me? :rolleyes:

If it was someone I loved and had a lot of trust for, invested a lot into the relationship I'd be devastated. Trust is a big thing for me, so much bigger than love.

fleet · 22-03-2014 10:48AM

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Chazz Michael Michaels · 22-03-2014 11:10AM

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Tried it. Would not recommend.

confusticated · 22-03-2014 11:53AM

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Most relationships end because not that many people stay with their first boyfriend/girlfriend for life. People change, there are lots of reasons why people break up. I definitely don't think "almost all have at least one party cheat at some point" - is that awfully naive?

RacoonQueen · 22-03-2014 03:37PM

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

???

No relationship I've ever had has ended because one of us have cheated. The scenario I put above...was someone I wasn't even overly serious with and the only time I've ever had someone treat me like that. Relationships end for numerous reasons...I couldn't list many that have ended due to cheating from people I know.

PanamaHaven · 23-03-2014 11:04PM

Zebra62 wrote: »

No taking them back, once a cheater always a cheater, you would be only accepting their behaviour and thus be giving them the green light to re-cheat, imo

That's not true. I hate that phrase "once a cheater always a cheater". I think it's so lazy and it seems to be the mantra of women everywhere.

As for the topic at hand - as someone said, you never know until youa re in that position. It does seem silly to throw a 15 year relationship away just because of a fling. If the person is genuinely remorseful then I would definitely give it a lot of thought. I wouldn't just throw them out. Counselling might be an option. Looking at your own part in it - are you not giving your partner any attention, is your sex life non existent, do you do things together. Marriage and long term relationships are HARD. We can all be guilty of taking it for granted, getting bored, feeling frustrated. Sometimes a crisis in a relationship can be the making of it. It makes you sort out your priorities and to not forget them.

kittycati · 23-03-2014 11:37PM

True marraige kids or ltrs harder...But lot of the time never know full extent of cheating,was it just one fling or only one that was caught out for. You d never know full extent ever..

PanamaHaven · 24-03-2014 12:14AM

kittycati wrote: »

True marraige kids or ltrs harder...But lot of the time never know full extent of cheating,was it just one fling or only one that was caught out for. You d never know full extent ever..

True, but that's the decision you have to face.

I could be eaten alive for saying this but I think women shouldn't forget to make an effort with how they look. Same goes for guys obviously. I don't mean women have to go around glammed up all of the time just to please their husbands but the simple fact is if a man has a wife who is constantly in a tracksuit, looking frumpy and has lost interest in maintaining their weight then he is going to be extra aware of gorgeous girls. People might scream at me for that but it's reality. There is no point in living in a dream world when it comes to men. They are visual creatures who like to have a hot wife. Reminding them that you are a sexy woman and not just a knackered mother is important every so often!

Guys also need to maintain their looks and make their wives feel special. A lot of my friends just have no romance in their relationships. It's almost like a business partnership.

Cheated-take them back or it's over for good?

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