Cheated-take them back or it's over for good?

helloworld15

Personally I do not think I would take them back... For me it would not actually be about the cheating, well a bit obviously but it would be more to do with how could I trust him again with anything... I don't think I would ever get past the betrayal of trust.

I know some people get back and sometimes stay together and it works out but for me I just don't know. Thankfully I have never yet to make that decision but it could easily happen I guess just hope it never does!

It's entirely context dependent. Some situations are black and white, others are various (50, even ) shades of grey.

It's not always clear cut.

username123

It totally depends on the context and nature of the situation.

A one off drunken fling followed by horror and remorse versus months of calmly going behind your back versus multiple indiscretions etc.....

beks101

Gonna go out on a limb here and say no.

For me the very premise on which the relationship was built would fall down around me if my trust was betrayed in such a way. Would be like my best friend b1tching about me and my family, spreading lies behind my back or something - it's just sh1tting all over the friendship, which has been built over time through love and trust and demonstration of loyalty and care for each other.

With a relationship, love and care and trust and then cheating...does not compute for me. Thinking any deeper about it is just looking for excuses IMO.

HotHHead

If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship. I agree situation can vary so its never just black and white.

Being drunk is never an excuse either IMO, a friend of mine has gone through this recently and there still living together, he thinks all is ok but shes a raving lunatic, checking phone, following him etc... its no way to live..

cookiecakes

I don't think I could ever take someone back. No matter how sorry they were, I'd always wonder whether they would do it again. I think it totally depends on the type of person you are though. I'm the type to hold a grudge for forever so i just don't think it would be in my DNA to ever really forgive them!

m'lady

I think I could possibly try and take them back, but I would find it so hard to trust again and each time their phone went off or they were going out I'd be thinking the worst, and end up being a paranoid mess. I do think it depends on the context, a drunken regretted fling is different to a premeditated affair/fling- but the end result for me would be the same- trust would be gone, and more than likely never return.

StripedBoxers

I would never take anyone back if they cheated. I just wouldn't be able to trust them again and would rather not have someone in my life who could treat me and treat our relationship so terribly.

Drink, drugs etc is absolutely no excuse/reason either in my opinion.

Addle

Candie wrote: »

It's entirely context dependent. Some situations are black and white, others are various (50, even ) shades of grey.

It's not always clear cut.

And I think that until you're in the situation, you really don't know how you'll react.

mountai

Everyone deserves ONE mistake.

Chattastrophe!

It just depends on the person and on the relationship.

I'd find it hard to continue my relationship with my boyfriend if he cheated on me. It's not that I think it's an unforgiveable offence ... it's more a case that I know him, I know he wouldn't cheat, it's just not in him to do it ... if he did, he wouldn't be the person that I know and love. I imagine it would be very hard to get my head around it.

I don't think it's necessarily a dealbreaker though, as said above, it's not necessarily always black and white.

PucaMama

mountai wrote: »

Everyone deserves ONE mistake.

would you accept that from your wife/gf?

mountai

I did

mountai

mountai wrote: »

I did

It all depends on the size and circumstances of the mistake too though. We all have our limits.

kittycati

Personally ,I never would .But I believe when people try make it work, It is never the same. Even if they say they have forgiven its never forgotten really...

fallen01angel

I would have always said never ever ever.....until it happened to me.A man I truly loved literally devastated me by cheating once(that I knew of).Eventually,I took him back.....6 months later I realised that whatever "love" we had was permanently wiped out by his actions and I finished it.
Now all I know that it is it's impossible to say one way or another what you'll do until it happens to you and a lot of it depends on depth of feelings for the cheating partner.

Neyite

I'd forgive, certainly, but I dont think that the relationship would ever recover tbh. So in that sense, I think its prolonging the agony of an inevitable separation anyway.

Right now I love the fact I have no doubts, no jealousy, that absolute security in knowing he is faithful. If I stayed with a cheat, I'd want to trust them, but I think I'd always wonder if he was really out with his friends, if that really was his brother that texted him, if he was tempted again. So I'd become a different distrustful person because of it and I think long term it would make me unhappy so it would not be worth it.

Ilyana 2.0

I don't think I could take them back, it's a complete disregard for the relationship IMO. It'd take a very, very strong person to be able to trust a cheating partner again.

My bf and I have been through a lot, and have worked so, so hard to get to where we are. If he cheated, I'd feel like he'd thrown it all away and that it all meant nothing to him. There'd be no coming back from it. Whether it was a ONS or something more would be irrelevant.

I know I seem very black-and-white about it, but it's a black-and-white situation to me.

Chazz Michael Michaels

No. Just no. (To taking them back)

Zebra62

No taking them back, once a cheater always a cheater, you would be only accepting their behaviour and thus be giving them the green light to re-cheat, imo

beks101

Zebra62 wrote: »

once a cheater always a cheater

For all the anti-cheating rhetoric I hear, this is one I don't believe.

It's just too one-dimensional and holds no regard for the fact that people grow, and mature, and learn from their mistakes and regrets, and develop new coping mechanisms and are changed and influenced by their relationships.

My boyfriend is the most honest, loyal, caring guy I've met maybe ever - to the point where it's still a bit of a culture shock to get used to the seamless trust and friendship between us, where there was always drama and distrust before.

But he cheated a few times in his first relationship and never hid that from me. He was young, immature, blind to consequences as most teenagers are and opportunistic, bored, horny. That's exactly how he explained it to me and he said the relationship would never recover from it - but it took time for his young mind to realize that.

He said it fcuked him up in the head and taught him a lot about relationships, how important it is to be selective in who you end up with and nurturing that once the early infatuation phase has passed. He spent loads of time single in his twenties as a result and avoided falling into anything out of convenience, as he did with his ex.

I think people are complicated and very flawed. I couldn't align his previous behaviour with my own values - but nor could he with his own values - and the person I fell in love with is someone who bettered himself as a result of a regret that wasn't representative of who he is.

Ann Landers

beks101 wrote: »

For all the anti-cheating rhetoric I hear, this is one I don't believe.

It's just too one-dimensional and holds no regard for the fact that people grow, and mature, and learn from their mistakes and regrets, and develop new coping mechanisms and are changed and influenced by their relationships.

My boyfriend is the most honest, loyal, caring guy I've met maybe ever - to the point where it's still a bit of a culture shock to get used to the seamless trust and friendship between us, where there was always drama and distrust before.

But he cheated a few times in his first relationship and never hid that from me. He was young, immature, blind to consequences as most teenagers are and opportunistic, bored, horny. That's exactly how he explained it to me and he said the relationship would never recover from it - but it took time for his young mind to realize that.

He said it fcuked him up in the head and taught him a lot about relationships, how important it is to be selective in who you end up with and nurturing that once the early infatuation phase has passed. He spent loads of time single in his twenties as a result and avoided falling into anything out of convenience, as he did with his ex.

I think people are complicated and very flawed. I couldn't align his previous behaviour with my own values - but nor could he with his own values - and the person I fell in love with is someone who bettered himself as a result of a regret that wasn't representative of who he is.

I think if cheating continues into adult life, it's much more of a red flag though.

Legs.Eleven

I'd be devastated and couldn't trust the person again and anything I felt for them would turn to resentment as time went on, so no, I couldn't take them back.

RacoonQueen

I'd never be able to trust them agian. It takes a lot for me to let people into my life so for my trust to be broken like that would be unforgivable.

Went out with a guy before, nothing serious really but still, at the time another guy was still asking me out! We were talking about him and I told him that other than the fact I didn't like him like that I'd never go out with him as he was chasing me while in a long term relationship with someone else. He said ''just because he cheats on someone else doesn't mean he'll cheat on you...''
Set alarm bells ringing a bit. Guess who cheated on me? :rolleyes:

If it was someone I loved and had a lot of trust for, invested a lot into the relationship I'd be devastated. Trust is a big thing for me, so much bigger than love.

fleet

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Chazz Michael Michaels

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Tried it. Would not recommend.

confusticated

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

Most relationships end because not that many people stay with their first boyfriend/girlfriend for life. People change, there are lots of reasons why people break up. I definitely don't think "almost all have at least one party cheat at some point" - is that awfully naive?

RacoonQueen

fleet wrote: »

On my phone so no links (poor excuse I know), but most relationships end in breakup/divorse, and almost all have at least one party cheat at some point.

The solution IMHO is open relationships. They're NOT the easy option, and require huge amounts of new learning, but they are the only viable solution to maintaining long term relationships as far as I can see.

???

No relationship I've ever had has ended because one of us have cheated. The scenario I put above...was someone I wasn't even overly serious with and the only time I've ever had someone treat me like that. Relationships end for numerous reasons...I couldn't list many that have ended due to cheating from people I know.

PanamaHaven

Zebra62 wrote: »

No taking them back, once a cheater always a cheater, you would be only accepting their behaviour and thus be giving them the green light to re-cheat, imo

That's not true. I hate that phrase "once a cheater always a cheater". I think it's so lazy and it seems to be the mantra of women everywhere.

As for the topic at hand - as someone said, you never know until youa re in that position. It does seem silly to throw a 15 year relationship away just because of a fling. If the person is genuinely remorseful then I would definitely give it a lot of thought. I wouldn't just throw them out. Counselling might be an option. Looking at your own part in it - are you not giving your partner any attention, is your sex life non existent, do you do things together. Marriage and long term relationships are HARD. We can all be guilty of taking it for granted, getting bored, feeling frustrated. Sometimes a crisis in a relationship can be the making of it. It makes you sort out your priorities and to not forget them.

kittycati

True marraige kids or ltrs harder...But lot of the time never know full extent of cheating,was it just one fling or only one that was caught out for. You d never know full extent ever..

PanamaHaven

kittycati wrote: »

True marraige kids or ltrs harder...But lot of the time never know full extent of cheating,was it just one fling or only one that was caught out for. You d never know full extent ever..

True, but that's the decision you have to face.

I could be eaten alive for saying this but I think women shouldn't forget to make an effort with how they look. Same goes for guys obviously. I don't mean women have to go around glammed up all of the time just to please their husbands but the simple fact is if a man has a wife who is constantly in a tracksuit, looking frumpy and has lost interest in maintaining their weight then he is going to be extra aware of gorgeous girls. People might scream at me for that but it's reality. There is no point in living in a dream world when it comes to men. They are visual creatures who like to have a hot wife. Reminding them that you are a sexy woman and not just a knackered mother is important every so often!


Guys also need to maintain their looks and make their wives feel special. A lot of my friends just have no romance in their relationships. It's almost like a business partnership.

Wexy86

PanamaHaven wrote: »

That's not true. I hate that phrase "once a cheater always a cheater". I think it's so lazy and it seems to be the mantra of women everywhere.

Completely agree, I'm sure we've all done stuff in our lives that we regret and would never do again.I don't think it's as clear cut as those who have never experienced cheating believe.

Not even been in the situation myself so who am I to judge but there are so many factors from was it a kiss, sex or an affair....... Some are more forgivable than others but I think there is no situation where you deserved to be cheated on - grow a pair and end the relationship then do as you wish.

kittycati

I think if you love someone unconditionally you'd love them even more if they were...trackies..knackered looking after kids etc....thats no excuse. .granted, making an effort with relationship talking and spending time together..but if you are with someone you shouldnt have to be worrying about those things!! Like an excuse a cheater would give for reason of infidelity ...need to make more of an effort!!

Toots

I think it would depend a lot on the circumstances, if it was just a drunken kiss then I'd be furious but it wouldn't be a game ender. Sex is a different story though. I think with a kiss it only takes a second for it to happen, whereas IMO even if it goes from kissing to sex fairly fast, there's still time to realise that what you're doing is wrong, you don't just fall onto a penis/into a vagina. On some level, you're consciously deciding to take that step

At the moment, I'm married with a child so if my husband were to come home and tell me he'd had sex with someone else I really don't know what I'd do. I think considering how long we've been together and the fact that we have a child, I'd certainly want to try and salvage the relationship, but I'd imagine it would take a long long time before the trust could be built up again. Also I'm hugely insecure as it is, so I don't know how I could deal with the worry that it was happening again every time he was out of the house.

If it was a prolonged affair then I really couldn't see a way back from that. No matter how heartbreaking it would be to end my marriage, I don't think I could get over that level of betrayal.

PanamaHaven

kittycati wrote: »

I think if you love someone unconditionally you'd love them even more if they were...trackies..knackered looking after kids etc....thats no excuse. .granted, making an effort with relationship talking and spending time together..but if you are with someone you shouldnt have to be worrying about those things!! Like an excuse a cheater would give for reason of infidelity ...need to make more of an effort!!

Being in a relationship is no excuse to let yourself go and to make no effort. That's what happens when people get married, they think that's it, they don't have to try any more. That their partner loves them no matter what and of course that is true to an extent, but your husband didn't marry a scruff and you didn't marry a lazy ass who gets a big beer belly and rarely shaves. There is being comfortable around each other and there is making no effort at all. It's a passion and attraction killer and once they are gone then it leads to a wandering eye.

With infidelity and divorce so accessible to everyone, I think you have to try harder. At least then if an affair does happen you can say it wasn't you made no effort. Marriage takes work, plain and simple. Unconditional love or not, nobody wants to be married to a slob!

Neyite

I'm calling bollocks on the idea that the person cheated on is somehow to blame for their partner choosing to cheat. People made a vow to each other and they can talk to each other if they feel something is missing in the relationship, or suggest counseling or ways to reconnect as a couple.

Cheating instead of communicating and then having the audacity to blame your partner for your wandering eye is unacceptable. But I suppose that cheaters would lay the blame elsewhere- they usually do because they are selfish, putting their carnal wants ahead of their relationship, their family, and the lives that get irrevocably changed in the process.

I *might* eventually forgive someone remorseful but someone who blames me?? Pack your bags and GTFO.

Ilyana 2.0

If someone is unhappy in their relationship, there is a multitude of ways to deal with it, rather than sleeping with someone else. Being in a poor relationship is no excuse as long as you're still in that relationship.

username123

PanamaHaven wrote: »

That's what happens when people get married, they think that's it, they don't have to try any more.

This is total nonsense - some people let themselves go as they get older, married or unmarried! Being married isnt the reason for it. I know plenty of bachelors who have big beer bellies and look desperate, I similarly know plenty of married blokes who go to the gym regularly and compete in triathlons etc... Same goes for single ladies versus married ladies, some people are out of shape some are not, its not dependent on them being married.

That makes an assumption that we all get married based on looks which, lets face it, would be a pretty shallow marriage!!

Addle

What about all the good looking people that get cheated on?
Maybe they spend too much time maintaining their looks and not enough time on their partners.

I do think that cheating is often a result of another problem in a relationship, but there's no excuse for it.

Dutchess

I think cheating would mean a divorce for me. I've seen people (aka my parents) stay together after (where my mother did the cheating, by the way) and now 6 years later they're still getting divorced. It should have happened then.

And when it comes to any relationship but especially in my marriage, I am scared of becoming my father who put up with way too much from my mother in terms of dishonesty. I've taken a very hard line stance against lying because of that.
Now I have (had) issues in my marriage in that Mr Dutchess did lie a few times (about nothing major) but as he owned up himself, I forgave. But that was tough on me already. If he cheated, I'd walk. It wouldn't be easy but I would need to. Because then you know someone is capable of it. My boyfriend prior actually cheated on his girlfriend with me before they broke up and we became a couple. I was young and stupidly in love. It only lasted 6 months (we split because I went to Ireland) but during those 6 months the worry that one day he might do the same to me niggled.

PanamaHaven

Neyite wrote: »

I'm calling bollocks on the idea that the person cheated on is somehow to blame for their partner choosing to cheat. People made a vow to each other and they can talk to each other if they feel something is missing in the relationship, or suggest counseling or ways to reconnect as a couple.


I *might* eventually forgive someone remorseful but someone who blames me?? Pack your bags and GTFO.

I never said they were to blame. I said married people or anybody in a relationship should do their best to look good for their partner. I also never said only married people let themselves go. I knew this was going to be a touchy subject but I think it's a valid point - Look after yourself. I never said it would stop all cheating either or that it's only ugly people who get cheated on but it can help!

If you lose interest in how you look then don't be surprised if your partner does. That's not me laying blame at your feet, it's just a fact of life. You have to make the effort otherwise its like living with a friend.

Either way, It's not an excuse for cheating, just something couples should be mindful of. Put the pitchforks down!!

PanamaHaven

username123 wrote: »

This is total nonsense - some people let themselves go as they get older, married or unmarried! Being married isnt the reason for it. I know plenty of bachelors who have big beer bellies and look desperate, I similarly know plenty of married blokes who go to the gym regularly and compete in triathlons etc... Same goes for single ladies versus married ladies, some people are out of shape some are not, its not dependent on them being married.

That makes an assumption that we all get married based on looks which, lets face it, would be a pretty shallow marriage!!

I don't think it's nonsense. Looks isn't the only thing, and I never implied that, but physical attraction is a major factor in most relationships.

As for my stance on marriage, sure, not all - but there is a sense among many that you are married off and relax and that can lead to not making an effort. Same goes for relationships. As we get older some let themselves go but I think if you are a single person there is an extra incentive to try and look attractive. JMO!

Neyite

PanamaHaven wrote: »

I never said they were to blame. I said married people or anybody in a relationship should do their best to look good for their partner. I also never said only married people let themselves go. I knew this was going to be a touchy subject but I think it's a valid point - Look after yourself. I never said it would stop all cheating either or that it's only ugly people who get cheated on but it can help!

If you lose interest in how you look then don't be surprised if your partner does. That's not me laying blame at your feet, it's just a fact of life. You have to make the effort otherwise its like living with a friend.

Either way, It's not an excuse for cheating, just something couples should be mindful of. Put the pitchforks down!!

So, by your logic, an exhausted new mother who is a few weeks post partum, has leaky blue-veined boobs, saggy tummy, dark circles under her eyes, hasnt had a chance to have a hot cup of tea in weeks, let alone run a brush through her hair, who hasnt been able to change the top with baby sick on it because the only time the baby is calm is when its being held, she has only herself to blame if her partner strays because she has been looking a bit rough.

Or what about the woman who has had a mastectomy? Who is bald and terribly thin due to chemo and radiation and has scars where her breasts should be. She probably doesnt look half as good as she used to, but like the new mother, I doubt if she cares.

And if their partners were real men, the way their partner looks or how long its been since the last time they had a shag would be the last thing on their minds.

My partner has seen me in all guises and he loves me regardless of whether I'm done up to the nines or as rough as a badgers arse. Because he is not superficial. If he was the type to let his eye wander just because I've a bit of leg stubble, I'd not want to be with someone that shallow.

I look back at pictures of us when we first met over 15 years ago in our prime, and dammit, we were gorgeous. . But I've a few more lines and wrinkles, he has a bit more grey and a little less hair, our bodies have changed slightly over the years, but we still appreciate deeply what we see when we look at each other and find each other extremely attractive. And in 20 years when the looks that once drew us to each other are just a memory, we hopefully will still be giving each other the lustful eye. Because its more, so much more than what is on the surface.

PanamaHaven

Neyite wrote: »

So, by your logic, an exhausted new mother who is a few weeks post partum, has leaky blue-veined boobs, saggy tummy, dark circles under her eyes, hasnt had a chance to have a hot cup of tea in weeks, let alone run a brush through her hair, who hasnt been able to change the top with baby sick on it because the only time the baby is calm is when its being held, she has only herself to blame if her partner strays because she has been looking a bit rough.

Or what about the woman who has had a mastectomy? Who is bald and terribly thin due to chemo and radiation and has scars where her breasts should be. She probably doesnt look half as good as she used to, but like the new mother, I doubt if she cares.

And if their partners were real men, the way their partner looks or how long its been since the last time they had a shag would be the last thing on their minds.

My partner has seen me in all guises and he loves me regardless of whether I'm done up to the nines or as rough as a badgers arse. Because he is not superficial. If he was the type to let his eye wander just because I've a bit of leg stubble, I'd not want to be with someone that shallow.

I look back at pictures of us when we first met over 15 years ago in our prime, and dammit, we were gorgeous. . But I've a few more lines and wrinkles, he has a bit more grey and a little less hair, our bodies have changed slightly over the years, but we still appreciate deeply what we see when we look at each other and find each other extremely attractive. And in 20 years when the looks that once drew us to each other are just a memory, we hopefully will still be giving each other the lustful eye. Because its more, so much more than what is on the surface.

I specifically said that I didn't mean they had to be dolled up all of the time, so no, that isn't what I meant. I said it's important to remind your partner that you can still look hot now and then.

It goes without saying that illness is a different story. A mastectomy- That's not somebody not making an effort - so it's completely unrelated.


In an ideal world what you say would be true. However, the stats on infidelity tell a different story What I am saying is nothing new. You can read it in any magazine article on keeping your marriage alive. A lot of people don't like to hear it because they want to believe in true love forever, but attraction IS important, and after all, if you look good you feel good, so it's good for both sides. I just think that a lot of people view Marriage and ltr
as the ultimate goal and once it's achieved they don't have to worry about keeping it going when they opposite is true, that's when they hard part begins, when the honeymoon period is over and boredom can set in.

Making an effort is not bad advice, it certainly won't harm your relationship. Constantly going around with hairy legs, greasy hair, tracksuit and piling on weight (without good reason) well it doesn't exactly help it, does it? No matter what men say, they prefer their women to look nice, and vice versa. It's just human nature!

kittycati

I know people who always made effort in appearance and working on relationship...Made no difference.Truth be told everyone of us face temptation every day whether we realise it or not. Just the difference is, some people look for it and act out on it..some like to have their cake and eat it while they can get away with it..both men and women cheat but shouldnt be in a committed relationship, should have the balls to admit they aint happy and move on. Trust is a must in relationship and if you have doubts or think you know how to keep them from straying then thats no basis for a relationship.

username123

PanamaHaven wrote: »

I don't think it's nonsense. Looks isn't the only thing, and I never implied that, but physical attraction is a major factor in most relationships.

As for my stance on marriage, sure, not all - but there is a sense among many that you are married off and relax and that can lead to not making an effort. Same goes for relationships. As we get older some let themselves go but I think if you are a single person there is an extra incentive to try and look attractive. JMO!

I've always lived by the knowledge that looks fade but personality doesn't. When I'm old and grey and rickety I'll still love my old grey bockety husband because of who he is, not what he looks like. Sure, we were both hot in our youth, but we are both mature enough to know that youth doesn't last forever.

meeeeh

I really don't know what I would do. When kids are involved it gets a lot harder anyway. Considering I am in a relationship with a workaholic and there aren't too many who would tolerate the hours he is working, I'm not worried even from practical reasons not only that I feel secure in our relationship anyway.

As for cheating, I know people who cheat just because they can and I know some who cheat because the relationship is on the rocks anyway. It is a bit different if someone is cheating after two years together or after 20 years together.

RacoonQueen

Would *love* to see these infedelity stats that have been referred to.

Tasden

I think panama haven is being taken up the wrong way.

I don't think, at least i hope not, that the poster is blaming the person who has been cheated on, I think they are just saying it IS something to keep in mind and it is a contributing factor to why someone may be unhappy in the relationship. Obviously a normal decent person would discuss this with their partner and would not resort to cheating. There is no excuse for cheating but I do agree that it is an issue that contributes to the cheaters dissatisfaction within the relationship. Saying that is not the same as saying it is ok that they cheat or that it is the other partys "fault" it is just something I do consider to be an issue for a lot of partners.

Also, it is not purely "my partner let themselves go and looks like **** so I'm gonna find a better younger skinnier model", it can actually go a lot deeper than just appearance. And alot of it imo is about the effort the partner is putting into the relationship, or not as the case may be.

If your partner used to make an effort with their appearance and then all of a sudden stopped (forgetting about kids or whatever else getting in the way) it basically appears that they don't really mind whether you desire them or not. They are completely indifferent to whether or not you find them sexually attractive, and therefore indifferent to your sex life in general as a result, because yes sex is about more than just physical attraction, its about intimacy and chemistry and love, but at the same time it is about lust and attraction too. The fact that your partner seems indifferent to this can be very hurtful or confusing, and it can seem like a form of rejection if your partner is no longer putting effort into your sex life.

Obviously I'm talking about certain circumstances and not making a sweeping generalisation about all women or men who stop making an effort with their appearance.

Yes its unrealistic to expect perfectly groomed, slim and perky partners forever, and yes part of intimacy with a partner is being comfortable enough to love them and be loved by them even in their "natural state" but every single day seeing no effort/excitement/preparation for being intimate and sexual with their partner? I can see why that would be a problem and I don't think its shallow at all, I think its more how it shows a lack of interest and I suppose apathy towards being sexual with your partner.

Throw in the issue of sometimes the person "letting themselves go" will become self conscious with the extra weight, which can lead to less adventure in bed/less spontaneity or even just lights off always but yet they still don't want to make the effort to lose the weight and they continue to gain weight. Again the partner feels why don't they care about our sex life enough to put some effort into feeling good about sex.

Again, if this is the case for some partners then they should talk about it with their partner and not cheat, but I don't think its as shallow an issue as people make it out to be. Of course when you love someone you love them as they are but I personally think its naive to think physical attraction isn't important.

Also to add to an already looong post: people say looks fade and you'll love your partner when they're old etc. but that does not mean that you shouldn't make an effort while you still have your banging body and a cute face why not prolong the physical attraction while you can instead of putting a stop to it prematurely. I'm not explaining myself very well, but basically its inevitable that you're going to get old and less attractive and of course love outweighs all of that but that doesn't mean you should just accept that now and stop making an effort now.

meeeeh

For me the sexiest attribute on my partner is his brain. Since he is not getting any stupider I still find him attractive despite getting fatter. Those of us who are attracted to less physical aspect in people are lucky in this regard. I'm not saying that looks are not important just not always in conventional beauty standards way (there are some very good looking people who I don't find attractive at all).

I also don't think that people only cheat for physical reasons. Very often they get the emotional support that is gone in their relationship. If a cheater is in a abusive relationship their partner is absolutely to blame so assumption partner is always blameless is nonsense. Things are not always black and white. Focusing just on sex is very narrow approach that probably resolves nothing. Unless you are in a relationship with one of those people who cheat just because they can (and I know some of them).

Ring4Fea

Hellllllllohhhhhhh O.P. ~

there's cheating then there's "stuff we left out of the discussion on the thread because it makes it less clear cut" contractual disagreements in the way the relationship plays out after one party nenegs on the spirit of the agreement but tries to BS a stance claiming a stance to the contrary, attempting to make excuses hiding behind the letter of the agreement. Kinda like Bress compared to Cuchullain.

Men in celtic countries rarely admit it it but NON PHYSICAL cheating outrages and RIPS THEIR HEARTS OUT more than a shag during a hen's night.

Did you do anything with either a man or woman that involved no orgasm yet would have een like an emotional kiss to someone else other than your partner? That technically was not cheating but in the SPIRIT of a relationship agreement would have been, to HIM?

Example: let's say he hates foreign films and you hate extreme sports. He gets the chance 5o boink a model from the Red Bull team and turns that down, in fact goes to a red bull event by himself instead, meanwhile, since he hates "brainy" films he refuses to go to a Kubrick/Kurosawa retrospe tive with you. Fine, that's equal, except that film is an experience best shared so you go with Jaques Henri whom you knew in media courses but since you don't sleep with Jaques Henri you think it's no breach of your monogamy agreement.

and YOU ARE WRONG.

AND HE FINDS OUT LATER but you aren't the one who told him.

Did ANYTHING like this happen?