How to fight an Alsatian?

Daqster · 04-01-2014 03:42PM

What victory song would you sing if the Alsatian won the fight?

Alsatian Once Again.

Mr. Nice · 04-01-2014 03:57PM

smurgen wrote: »

Put your elbow / forearm into the dogs mouth while trying to jam fingers into the dogs eyes with the other hand.

Whilst simultaneously trying to block out the excruciating pain, with tears in your eyes and other hand trembling from adrenaline rush.

NuckingFacker · 04-01-2014 04:00PM

I'd tickle its armpits - no-one and nothing can resist an armpit tickle. That or jam my foot in it's mouth and hope it was a slow eater. Hopefully help would come before it got up to my knee..

The Glass Key · 04-01-2014 04:04PM

Mr. Nice wrote: »

Whilst simultaneously trying to block out the excruciating pain, with tears in your eyes and other hand trembling from adrenaline rush.

Probably easier than you think, the dogs teeth and mouth go against it if you try and push your elbow further in rather than pulling it out but you'd have to do that before the dog got a good grip as one GSD we had used to cut straight through alkathene water pipe with one bite with his back teeth.

WilyCoyote · 04-01-2014 05:27PM

Get him interested in auto eroticism. Then if you give him enough rope, he just might ............

Galwayguy35 · 04-01-2014 05:47PM

Billy86 wrote: »

I can't find a link, but a Kenyan farmer in his 70s got attacked a few years back by a tiger (I think it was a tiger anyway?) and purposely did this as it was the only way he figured he wouldn't get killed. The crazy bas***d literally rammed his arm down the animal's mouth and ripped it's throat out. Lost the arm but kept his life.

I firmly believe that man would beat the sh*t out of Chuck Norris with the bones of his missing arm.

Probably a lion unless he had a pet tiger imported into Kenya.

Son Of A Vidic · 04-01-2014 05:48PM

Chefrio wrote: »

How to fight an Alsatian?

I've owned German Shepherds all my life and their intelligence and devotion to their family is second to none. A mate had a break in several years ago, unfortunately for the scum bags his German Shepherd was inside the house. The dog pounced and held one guy by his calf muscle. His partner tried to help, apparently swung a kick and broke his foot on the dogs head

. My mate came down the stairs to find the said scum bags screaming and pleading for mercy on the ground. My advice OP, don't pick a fight with a German Shepherd.

Galwayguy35 · 04-01-2014 05:52PM

Wibbs wrote: »

Pretty easily, though thankfully it's rare. There was a Russian nightclub bouncer killed in a wolf attack a few years ago and an Alaskan oil worker two years ago IIRC. They very rarely attack people unless rabid, or when they've become very habituated to people. The Alaskan case a good example. They were hanging around the town dump and were getting closer and closer and more used to humans. Historically it seems the various examples of individuals who did become maneaters were wolf dog hybrids. Even then they rarely went for full grown men, preferring children and women. Unlike dogs they're more likely to run a risk/benefit thought process in their heads and a full grown bloke is the riskiest target of all. That said I was watching Simon Schama's recent brilliant history of European Jews and in one episode he recalls his great grandfather(?) who lived in the forests of eastern Europe regaling people with tales of wolf attacks and this guy had the scars to prove it. Maybe it went on a lot more than we think in such areas?

Size wise they vary depending on subspecies, but generally yea around the same size as a German Shepherd, even their coat markings are similar(if you imagine an Aller in Black and white)though larger in head and squarer in the hip. They're a lot stronger than a German Shepherd though. More wiry in muscle. You can see the comparison here;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6Q5E8wSoeQ

In the very early days of the German Shepherd breeding programme some European wolf blood was in the mix. The originator of the breed a German lad whose name escapes, considered a lot of aspects of the wolf to be the ultimate dog shape, which I suppose it is as it's millions of years of natures breeding.

Some interesting info there, was watching a wildlife programme a few weeks ago and 2 wolves took on a bison, it wasn't fully grown but was still big and one of the wolves backed off and the other one took it on by himself, a person would have no chance when you think about it.

Billy86 · 04-01-2014 06:09PM

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Probably a lion unless he had a pet tiger imported into Kenya.

Turns out it was a leopard - http://www.terradaily.com/reports/Ageing_Farmer_Kills_Leopard_With_Bare_Hands_In_Kenya.html - not quite as scary as a lion or tiger (or a liger!), but they're pretty fecking dangerous all the same!

jimmii · 04-01-2014 06:21PM

Billy86 wrote: »

Turns out it was a leopard - http://www.terradaily.com/reports/Ageing_Farmer_Kills_Leopard_With_Bare_Hands_In_Kenya.html - not quite as scary as a lion or tiger (or a liger!), but they're pretty fecking dangerous all the same!

Against a Lion at least you have the option of trying to climb a tree! I used to live in Kenya and there was a Leopard who often found his way into peoples gardens near us there was one house with four rottweilers the Leopard left with barely a scratch and the rottweilers were in bits. Wouldn't fancy my chances against any of them really!

Chefrio · 04-01-2014 06:37PM

I'd like to see how a grey wolf would get on against a spotted hyena.

Galwayguy35 · 04-01-2014 06:40PM

Chefrio wrote: »

I'd like to see how a grey wolf would get on against a spotted hyena.

Would be a good fight all right, I'd say the hyena would win, they're heavier and have stronger jaws.

Duff · 04-01-2014 06:44PM

Megalodon vs. Mosasaurus.

purplecow1977 · 04-01-2014 06:44PM

Bring a gun.

jimmii · 04-01-2014 06:47PM

Chefrio wrote: »

I'd like to see how a grey wolf would get on against a spotted hyena.

I would say Hyena jaw strength is ridiculous and they probably would have more fight practice.

smurgen · 04-01-2014 07:26PM

Mr. Nice wrote: »

Whilst simultaneously trying to block out the excruciating pain, with tears in your eyes and other hand trembling from adrenaline rush.

I think you underestimate how effective adrenaline can be.people have lost entire limbs and been fine in the immediate aftermath.it's more often than not an aid rather than a hinderance.when the dog is locked onto your arm you can draw it's head closer to you.then ya can drive the dogs eye into it's skull as far as you can.

Billy86 · 04-01-2014 07:37PM

jimmii wrote: »

Against a Lion at least you have the option of trying to climb a tree! I used to live in Kenya and there was a Leopard who often found his way into peoples gardens near us there was one house with four rottweilers the Leopard left with barely a scratch and the rottweilers were in bits. Wouldn't fancy my chances against any of them really!

I knew a few people from around Mombasa years ago, and between the big cats, crocs, hyenas and hippos (quite possibly the scariest of the lot of them) Kenya seems fecking petrifying to be honest!

mfceiling · 04-01-2014 07:44PM

I'd call the garda.

Probably best not to fight back...if it goes to court then you will not be found guilty of any bodily harm.

The dog would be looking at a sentence of at least 8-12 years which would mean it would probably die in jail. That's my victory right there.

The laugh i'd have as that dog tore me to shreds would be priceless.

WoollyRedHat · 04-01-2014 07:47PM

Carry a picture of a female alsation at all times, show it to the aggressor, then while it's distracted, run.

Mar Mar Marmalade · 04-01-2014 07:51PM

AK47

Billy86 · 04-01-2014 07:59PM

smurgen wrote: »

I think you underestimate how effective adrenaline can be.people have lost entire limbs and been fine in the immediate aftermath.it's more often than not an aid rather than a hinderance.when the dog is locked onto your arm you can draw it's head closer to you.then ya can drive the dogs eye into it's skull as far as you can.

Apparently the control of adrenaline is an evolutionary trait for preservation (because exerting yourself that much obviously would wear and tear your body down fast), but this 'adrenaline block' is less developed in several species of monkeys. Including the types of monkeys (and we're not talking apes here, but small enough monkeys like chimps and orangutangs) who can clean rip limbs clean off people without much effort, send a sumo wrestler flying in a tug of war without much strain, and pushed 12 wheel and up trucks with ease (so long as it's close to a wall for them to 'push off' of).

Basically we do more 'precise' and controlled muscle movements while monkeys are more clumsy and clustered together (they couldn't play a guitar for example) and use much more force (they use a whole lot more muscle fibres to perform a task than us). If we were able to turn this on an off rather than just when we get the bizarre 'boost' from an adrenaline rush, some of the bigger of us would probably be able to pick up cars like a heavy bag of shopping. :pac:

Sir Osis of Liver. · 04-01-2014 09:44PM

Check out these scary fcukers http://sobadsogood.com/2012/05/24/a-fascinating-look-at-the-hyena-men-of-nigeria-by-photographer-pieter-hugo/

Fuzzytrooper · 04-01-2014 10:39PM

Where's Facekicker when you need him?

Digital Solitude · 04-01-2014 11:20PM

Shout at it will slapping your thighs and clickingyour mouth to confuse it. Then a swift punch to the nose.

vibe666 · 04-01-2014 11:24PM

artanevilla wrote: »

Fingers in the eyes/arse.

How are you supposed to fight it with your fingers up your arse? And I'm pretty sure getting fecal matter your eyes is unsanitary. :eek:

razorblunt · 04-01-2014 11:49PM

I'd plug in my Hoover, checkmate.

Wibbs · 05-01-2014 12:14AM

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Some interesting info there, was watching a wildlife programme a few weeks ago and 2 wolves took on a bison, it wasn't fully grown but was still big and one of the wolves backed off and the other one took it on by himself, a person would have no chance when you think about it.

Pretty much. You'd want to really have your wits with you to deal with a wolf one on one. Luckily though, their usual stance in the vast majority of cases would be "Ahh shíte, human, run away, run away".

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Would be a good fight all right, I'd say the hyena would win, they're heavier and have stronger jaws.

Oh yea a hyena would well have the upper hand. The advantage wolves have is that they're rarely alone. That's why Inuit husky dog sled teams don't sweat too much if they cross the tracks of a polar bear, but have a major shítfit if they cross a wolf track, cos they know the wolf isn't on his own. They're very similar to people really. On our own we're not much cop, but as a group? You are goin down. Wolves and humans are among the very small group of animals who routinely take down prey much bigger than themselves. No wonder that all those many centuries ago we looked at each other and thought "oh hang on... I reckon we could work together, pretty damned well". Today? Well the cuddly doggie of whatever breed, or none, small or big, sitting at your feet enjoying the fire on a cold night has less than a 1% genetic difference to the wolf howling in the night outside in the cold. So if you live in an area where the wild wolves still roam and you get a solitary scratching at the back door of a cold night and a funny looking Aller with yellow eyes looks all cute and forlorn, then throw him a bit of ham and point out sofa's and plasma tellies are not for eating and you should be grand*.

*Your mileage may differ. NO medical advice allowed on Boards.ie. This may not be sound animal handling advice.

Reindeer · 05-01-2014 01:53AM

I work in dog rescue much of the time. I have seen several dog fights personally with large dogs and greyhounds. The only thing that stops dog fighting instantly is throwing a large bowl of water over them(we have 5 litre bowls). Dogs also do not understand 'reloading'. If they still show some residual anger, they do not realise you are out of water if you threw the entire bowl. Simply threatening them with the empty bowl so they can't see it's empty is enough to have them totally submissive. NO matter how wrapped up the dogs were with each other, no matter how vicious, water always worked instantly.

SterlingArcher · 05-01-2014 04:35AM

My penis usually calms any rowdy bitch.

As for the male dogs, saying hoose loud and fast. Over and over makes them gentle and relaxed

Cedrus · 05-01-2014 04:37AM

Reindeer wrote: »

I work in dog rescue much of the time. I have seen several dog fights personally with large dogs and greyhounds. The only thing that stops dog fighting instantly is throwing a large bowl of water over them(we have 5 litre bowls). Dogs also do not understand 'reloading'. If they still show some residual anger, they do not realise you are out of water if you threw the entire bowl. Simply threatening them with the empty bowl so they can't see it's empty is enough to have them totally submissive. NO matter how wrapped up the dogs were with each other, no matter how vicious, water always worked instantly.

This is how we always broke up dog scraps when I was growing up, always worked.

How to fight an Alsatian?

Comments