Your most embarrassing sex story

J_E · 31-12-2013 02:48AM

Dodgy car meet. Getting to the good part when one of our elbows went astray...

HONNNNNNNNNNNNNK.

.Henry Sellers. · 31-12-2013 02:54AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Thank you for burning this image into my mind, now I'm off to puke myself to sleep.

beks101 · 31-12-2013 02:55AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

What? Just....what?
Is your friend special needs?

fussyonion · 31-12-2013 02:56AM

beks101 wrote: »

What? Just....what?
Is your friend special needs?

NO! Seriously she stunned me; I didn't expect her, out of all my friends, to be the one to tell me that. I didn't know what to say to her.

Mariasofia · 31-12-2013 02:59AM

fussyonion wrote: »

NO! Seriously she stunned me; I didn't expect her, out of all my friends, to be the one to tell me that. I didn't know what to say to her.

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

fussyonion · 31-12-2013 03:10AM

Mariasofia wrote: »

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

PM me!

lkionm · 31-12-2013 03:13AM

Mariasofia wrote: »

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

Tell us, now.

Mariasofia · 31-12-2013 03:18AM

lkionm wrote: »

Tell us, now.

I cant......using the word "friend" loosely
:-D

Duff · 31-12-2013 03:24AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Wait, what? I can't figure this out.. She shat herself and said nothing and it got mushed up into her ham wallet? And then he went to flick the bean and got more than he bargained for?

:(

lkionm · 31-12-2013 03:25AM

Mariasofia wrote: »

I cant......using the word "friend" loosely
:-D

Ah just tell us. We are friends here. No need to be embarrassed.

I'll give you a hug

Sinfonia · 31-12-2013 03:26AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

That's it, I'm outta here!

*footsteps*
*door slamming*

Mariasofia · 31-12-2013 03:30AM

lkionm wrote: »

Ah just tell us. We are friends here. No need to be embarrassed.

I'll give you a hug

Ya cant Im in your w**k bank apparently! :-D

31-12-2013 03:32AM

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Does she realise that piss and **** come from different places?

lkionm · 31-12-2013 03:39AM

Mariasofia wrote: »

Ya cant Im in your w**k bank apparently! :-D

Haha you still remember. Yeah your still on the Thursday roster. You will never be moved

Ah go on. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on.

Mariasofia · 31-12-2013 03:44AM

lkionm wrote: »

Haha you still remember. Yeah your still on the Thursday roster. You will never be moved

Ah go on. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on.

Ah started an en evening course on a thurs so eh no no no no no no no :-P

Kevin McCloud · 31-12-2013 04:52AM

My most embarrasing is the first time i had sex with my second ex. I lasted 3 strokes (so about 10 seconds) before i shot my load up her. Wtf happened there i don't know.
I hoped that she hadn't noticed so carried on going with a semi for a good 5 mintues. The worst shag of her life no doubt!

Seaneh · 31-12-2013 05:27AM

Couch surfing through spain when i was 21/22.

After about 10 days of not having a room to myself and not getting with anyone, I stay with this group of friends in a flat in Bilbao, they are all students in the city, I'm meant to be on an air mattress on the living room floor but the first night I'm there (stayed for a few nights) I scored one of the girls.
She's only 18 or 19 so I'm just being a gent and not trying to get into her pants too overtly, we get back from having a few beers and loads of nommy food and we're kissing on the couch in the living room and eventually she says "come to my room, I'm tired". I think wahey, I'm in here!

We go to her room, she changes into a pair of shorts and a tank top an I strip to my boxers and t shirt. Get back to the kissing and it's all still very tame my end. Hands over the top and shorts, I'm playing the nice guy game here.

Eventually she goes for Seaneh Junior and gives him a fondle over the pants and goes about doing that for a while, I reciprocate.

Then, after a while, she starts sliding my boxers down. No sooner had she started to introduce palm and her sisters to Seaneh Junior than did 10 days worth of not having a room to myself all at once erupt forth all over her and the bed.

We are literally talking minimal contact here, like, she'd barely fecking touched me.

I couldn't even look at her. 10 days travelling around spain in the summer without "venting" the pent up frustration and then an hours kissing and fondling and I popped like a pressure valve without warning...

I slept in her bed for the rest of the time there but for feck sake she made sure I remembered what happened the first night.
She even told her flatmates, the fecker. I was the but of every joke for the entire time I was there

jockeyboard · 31-12-2013 05:35AM

I demand clarification of this....how was poo in there?! Or was it just in her knickers? Also was that really you?

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

jockeyboard · 31-12-2013 05:36AM

Thats why she is your x ;-)

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

My most embarrasing is the first time i had sex with my second ex. I lasted 3 strokes (so about 10 seconds) before i shot my load up her. Wtf happened there i don't know.
I hoped that she hadn't noticed so carried on going with a semi for a good 5 mintues. The worst shag of her life no doubt!

Kevin McCloud · 31-12-2013 06:16AM

jockeyboard wrote: »

Thats why she is your x ;-)

That was not the reason at all

bear1 · 31-12-2013 10:25AM

Are you sure he was fingering the right hole?
I mean she must have shat herself, did nothing about it and he then pushed it up her vivivivi.
She sounds like a fecking eejit if thats the case.

PS. Is she hot?

manlad · 31-12-2013 11:12AM

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

irish_goat · 31-12-2013 11:14AM

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

Jeeesus. :pac::pac:

Hooked · 31-12-2013 11:31AM

Mine is more as a spectator rather than participant... Me and best mate travelling the states. In Vegas, late night - get chatting to a yank chick a good 10 years younger, celebrating her 21st. I'm not gone on her and she seems more interested in my mate. I finish my drink and bid them goodnight!

They arrive back to our hotel room and proceed to shag for hours on the bed next to mine... 'Assuming' I'm passed out from drink. I wish. The only one passed out from drink is my mates cock. Took him hours to finish.

She was on hols in Vegas with her ma, who rang her the following morning to know where she was. Poor girl took the 'elevator' of shame to her room.

My trauma didn't end there! We packed our bags and headed to San Fran. Little did I realise, little miss birthday girl was in Vegas for her 21st, having flown in from... You guessed it! San Francisco!!!

The prick inflicted the same trauma on me in a motel in San Fran the following night. I told him to go to her place, a motel, her friends gaff... Not a chance.

2 nights sleep interrupted with the sounds of them shagging.

True story!

Gyalist · 31-12-2013 12:05PM

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

What goes up, must come down!

Addle · 31-12-2013 12:08PM

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

To avoid that mess is as good a reason as any to have safe sex!

Paddy Cow · 31-12-2013 01:08PM

Seaneh wrote: »

After about 10 days of not having a room to myself........

Could you not have "relieved" yourself in the toilet?

Paddy Cow · 31-12-2013 01:10PM

Not my story. A friend of mine was at a house party and ended up getting hot and heavy with a girl on the couch. Afterwards they fell asleep cuddled in each others arms.......ah so cute......until he woke up and realised that he had wet both of them in his sleep. He didn't say anything and just left.

Brego888 · 31-12-2013 02:14PM

I love these it was my "friend" not me stories.

DeanAustin · 31-12-2013 02:30PM

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Not my story. A friend of mine was at a house party and ended up getting hot and heavy with a girl on the couch. Afterwards they fell asleep cuddled in each others arms.......ah so cute......until he woke up and realised that he had wet both of them in his sleep. He didn't say anything and just left.

I was with a good looking German in Spain when I was in my teens. Anyway, earlier in the night I'd been giving it the "I'll drink my bodyweight in vodka coz I'm some drinker me" that some people do when they first start drinking.

Felt not too good and threw up all over her and half the night club. Twas like a f**king fireman's hose going full blast. Incredibly, the bouncers didn't throw me out or give me the kicking I deserved.

Also was with a hooker and paid for an hour thinking I was the world's greatest stud. She broke me within a few minutes and as I was getting my shoes on she said "You've paid for the hour, we can do something else". I retorted with a Father Fintan Stack-esque "I've had my fun". She did laugh to be fair. Not sure whether it was at the joke or my pathetic performance.

Not my proudest moments.

Your most embarrassing sex story

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