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Your most embarrassing sex story

Timmyctc

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

I heard a story from a friend (so take it with a massive dose of salt) But basically this lad who is now in oz pulled, to put it eloquently, a junkie, in a bar then later, during sex she suggested to insert a knotted rope into his back passage as it would "make the orgasm f***ing fantastic" in her words.

Anyways as he was about to finish the job she pulled the rope out and he shat everywhere, grabbed his clothes and paniced and started apologising only to see the junkie woman rolling around in his defecate. He promptly exited the premises and returned home before (for some unbeknownst to me reason he told the rest of the lads he lived with this story)

Personally my embarrassing experience would be I think when I was 15 an older girl wanted to have sex with me I think I unraveled a condom before trying to put it on. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that day.

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J_E

Dodgy car meet. Getting to the good part when one of our elbows went astray...

HONNNNNNNNNNNNNK.

.Henry Sellers.

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Thank you for burning this image into my mind, now I'm off to puke myself to sleep.

beks101

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

What? Just....what?
Is your friend special needs?

fussyonion

beks101 wrote: »

What? Just....what?
Is your friend special needs?

NO! Seriously she stunned me; I didn't expect her, out of all my friends, to be the one to tell me that. I didn't know what to say to her.

Mariasofia

fussyonion wrote: »

NO! Seriously she stunned me; I didn't expect her, out of all my friends, to be the one to tell me that. I didn't know what to say to her.

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

fussyonion

Mariasofia wrote: »

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

PM me!

lkionm

Mariasofia wrote: »

Friends can surprise ya....I had one tell me a story that made even me say what dafuq.......and that says a lot. Ill take it to the grave....... :-D

Tell us, now.

Mariasofia

lkionm wrote: »

Tell us, now.

I cant......using the word "friend" loosely
:-D

Duff

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Wait, what? I can't figure this out.. She shat herself and said nothing and it got mushed up into her ham wallet? And then he went to flick the bean and got more than he bargained for?

lkionm

Mariasofia wrote: »

I cant......using the word "friend" loosely
:-D

Ah just tell us. We are friends here. No need to be embarrassed.

I'll give you a hug

Sinfonia

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

That's it, I'm outta here!

*footsteps*
*door slamming*

Mariasofia

lkionm wrote: »

Ah just tell us. We are friends here. No need to be embarrassed.

I'll give you a hug

Ya cant Im in your w**k bank apparently! :-D

[Deleted User]

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

Does she realise that piss and **** come from different places?

lkionm

Mariasofia wrote: »

Ya cant Im in your w**k bank apparently! :-D

Haha you still remember. Yeah your still on the Thursday roster. You will never be moved

Ah go on. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on.

Mariasofia

lkionm wrote: »

Haha you still remember. Yeah your still on the Thursday roster. You will never be moved

Ah go on. Go on go on go on go on go on go on go on.

Ah started an en evening course on a thurs so eh no no no no no no no :-P

Kevin McCloud

My most embarrasing is the first time i had sex with my second ex. I lasted 3 strokes (so about 10 seconds) before i shot my load up her. Wtf happened there i don't know.
I hoped that she hadn't noticed so carried on going with a semi for a good 5 mintues. The worst shag of her life no doubt!

Seaneh

Couch surfing through spain when i was 21/22.

After about 10 days of not having a room to myself and not getting with anyone, I stay with this group of friends in a flat in Bilbao, they are all students in the city, I'm meant to be on an air mattress on the living room floor but the first night I'm there (stayed for a few nights) I scored one of the girls.
She's only 18 or 19 so I'm just being a gent and not trying to get into her pants too overtly, we get back from having a few beers and loads of nommy food and we're kissing on the couch in the living room and eventually she says "come to my room, I'm tired". I think wahey, I'm in here!

We go to her room, she changes into a pair of shorts and a tank top an I strip to my boxers and t shirt. Get back to the kissing and it's all still very tame my end. Hands over the top and shorts, I'm playing the nice guy game here.

Eventually she goes for Seaneh Junior and gives him a fondle over the pants and goes about doing that for a while, I reciprocate.

Then, after a while, she starts sliding my boxers down. No sooner had she started to introduce palm and her sisters to Seaneh Junior than did 10 days worth of not having a room to myself all at once erupt forth all over her and the bed.

We are literally talking minimal contact here, like, she'd barely fecking touched me.

I couldn't even look at her. 10 days travelling around spain in the summer without "venting" the pent up frustration and then an hours kissing and fondling and I popped like a pressure valve without warning...

I slept in her bed for the rest of the time there but for feck sake she made sure I remembered what happened the first night.
She even told her flatmates, the fecker. I was the but of every joke for the entire time I was there

jockeyboard

I demand clarification of this....how was poo in there?! Or was it just in her knickers? Also was that really you?

fussyonion wrote: »

Back in the day, my best friend was going to "meet" this fella for a bit of How's yer father and the next day she called me crying her heart out.

I asked what was wrong and she said "When he was fingering me, he said there was shoite in me fanny".
I said "What? What do you mean?"
She said "I needed to go to the toilet but I held it in but it must have got squashed up into me fanny and when he put his fingers in, it sorta squelched and he noticed his fingers were covered in it. I was morto."

I had to hang up and get sick, I was absolutely DISGUSTED and couldn't actually fathom why she'd decided to tell me about it.

jockeyboard

Thats why she is your x ;-)

Kevin McCloud wrote: »

My most embarrasing is the first time i had sex with my second ex. I lasted 3 strokes (so about 10 seconds) before i shot my load up her. Wtf happened there i don't know.
I hoped that she hadn't noticed so carried on going with a semi for a good 5 mintues. The worst shag of her life no doubt!

Kevin McCloud

jockeyboard wrote: »

Thats why she is your x ;-)

That was not the reason at all

bear1

Are you sure he was fingering the right hole?
I mean she must have shat herself, did nothing about it and he then pushed it up her vivivivi.
She sounds like a fecking eejit if thats the case.

PS. Is she hot?

manlad

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

irish_goat

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

Jeeesus. :pac::pac:

Hooked

Mine is more as a spectator rather than participant... Me and best mate travelling the states. In Vegas, late night - get chatting to a yank chick a good 10 years younger, celebrating her 21st. I'm not gone on her and she seems more interested in my mate. I finish my drink and bid them goodnight!

They arrive back to our hotel room and proceed to shag for hours on the bed next to mine... 'Assuming' I'm passed out from drink. I wish. The only one passed out from drink is my mates cock. Took him hours to finish.

She was on hols in Vegas with her ma, who rang her the following morning to know where she was. Poor girl took the 'elevator' of shame to her room.

My trauma didn't end there! We packed our bags and headed to San Fran. Little did I realise, little miss birthday girl was in Vegas for her 21st, having flown in from... You guessed it! San Francisco!!!

The prick inflicted the same trauma on me in a motel in San Fran the following night. I told him to go to her place, a motel, her friends gaff... Not a chance.

2 nights sleep interrupted with the sounds of them shagging.

True story!

Gyalist

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

What goes up, must come down!

Addle

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

To avoid that mess is as good a reason as any to have safe sex!

Paddy Cow

Seaneh wrote: »

After about 10 days of not having a room to myself........

Could you not have "relieved" yourself in the toilet?

Paddy Cow

Not my story. A friend of mine was at a house party and ended up getting hot and heavy with a girl on the couch. Afterwards they fell asleep cuddled in each others arms.......ah so cute......until he woke up and realised that he had wet both of them in his sleep. He didn't say anything and just left.

Brego888

I love these it was my "friend" not me stories.

DeanAustin

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Not my story. A friend of mine was at a house party and ended up getting hot and heavy with a girl on the couch. Afterwards they fell asleep cuddled in each others arms.......ah so cute......until he woke up and realised that he had wet both of them in his sleep. He didn't say anything and just left.

I was with a good looking German in Spain when I was in my teens. Anyway, earlier in the night I'd been giving it the "I'll drink my bodyweight in vodka coz I'm some drinker me" that some people do when they first start drinking.

Felt not too good and threw up all over her and half the night club. Twas like a f**king fireman's hose going full blast. Incredibly, the bouncers didn't throw me out or give me the kicking I deserved.

Also was with a hooker and paid for an hour thinking I was the world's greatest stud. She broke me within a few minutes and as I was getting my shoes on she said "You've paid for the hour, we can do something else". I retorted with a Father Fintan Stack-esque "I've had my fun". She did laugh to be fair. Not sure whether it was at the joke or my pathetic performance.

Not my proudest moments.