Sexless marriage/relationships

Czarcasm · 21-12-2013 09:04PM

Shrobbs wrote: »

If he has no interest in dealing with the issue or at least trying then tell her you need to look for sex elsewhere.

It is incredibly selfish to force or attempt to force another individual to never or rarely have sex.

It's just as incredibly selfish to force or attempt to force another individual to have sex with you by issuing them with shìtty ultimatums and warnings like that.

His wife isn't forcing brilou not to have sex, it just seems that for whatever reason, she is not interested in having sex with him, and again - there could be an infinite number of reasons for that.

Shrobbs · 21-12-2013 09:06PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

It's just as incredibly selfish to force or attempt to force another individual to have sex with you by issuing them with shìtty ultimatums and warnings like that.

His wife isn't forcing brilou not to have sex, it just seems that for whatever reason, she is not interested in having sex with him, and again - there could be an infinite number of reasons for that.

If she isn't interested in working on it she is being selfish, and he needs to tell her he will be looking for it elsewhere. Life is too short to have to put up with that crap.

By telling her he will be looking for sex elsewhere he is not forcing her to have sex with him, she is free to allow him to have sex with other women.

The sh1tty thing to do would be to break with her without even giving her a chance to resolve it.

Wabbit Ears · 21-12-2013 09:13PM

Anyone who has young kids and says they have any sort of a sex life is a liar.

brilou23 · 21-12-2013 09:14PM

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Anyone who has young kids and says they have any sort of a sex life is a liar.

thank you thats why i hang in there

Aineoil · 21-12-2013 09:16PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

It's just as incredibly selfish to force or attempt to force another individual to have sex with you by issuing them with shìtty ultimatums and warnings like that.

His wife isn't forcing brilou not to have sex, it just seems that for whatever reason, she is not interested in having sex with him, and again - there could be an infinite number of reasons for that.

I totally agree with you, Czarcasm. But and there's always a but........if you love your partner and you are comfortable with what they want.....you will try anything at least once.

I think communication is the issue here. As you said she may have many reasons for not wanting sex. For some couples the area of not talking about being intimate is very sensitive.

Shrobbs · 21-12-2013 09:16PM

brilou23 wrote: »

thank you thats why i hang in there

Ask yourself this?

Do you want to have sex despite having young kids?

If yes, then why doesn't your OH?

Do you think she is still attracted to you?

Also , how unhappy is the lack of sex making you, would it be close to depression?

Aineoil · 21-12-2013 09:19PM

Shrobbs wrote: »

Ask yourself this?

Do you want to have sex despite having young kids?

If yes, then why doesn't your OH?

I have been there. With young children it's difficult.

Timing! I never got it right.....

LordNorbury · 21-12-2013 09:20PM

An interesting thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, no kids, this same subject came up for discussion in my circle of male friends not too long ago, (most except one or two, are married or settled down, all with kids whether married or not), and the consensus was that I was the one who had the most active sex life, even though I am single. Some of what I heard from my mates, when this was discussed, genuinely took me aback, for example what appeared to be a serious lack of intimacy when sex did happen, in particular, partners who don't want to do some certain things that I would consider to be fairly fundamental to a good night of sex, for example oral sex, etc.

I got the impression that some of these relationships had gone seriously stale for want of a better way of describing them, that they had stopped working on them and keeping the spark alive. Throw in one or two kids and the inevitable financial pressures that must come with life today in 2013 if you have kids, (not something that I need to worry about as a single guy), and you can easily see how a relationship can become devoid of intimacy.

brilou23 · 21-12-2013 09:22PM

Shrobbs wrote: »

Ask yourself this?

Do you want to have sex despite having young kids?

If yes, then why doesn't your OH?

Do you think she is still attracted to you?

Also , how unhappy is the lack of sex making you, would it be close to depression?

yeah she says she still feels the same but has lost her drive i find it very hard but i have to ask myself which i love more sex or family

Tasden · 21-12-2013 09:22PM

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Anyone who has young kids and says they have any sort of a sex life is a liar.

Yeah, that's not true.

Kids can mean you have to make an effort to make time for it, and pregnancy and childbirth can cause hormonal changes leading to low libido for the woman, but the fact you have kids does not mean you have no sex life!

Aineoil · 21-12-2013 09:26PM

LordNorbury wrote: »

An interesting thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, no kids, this same subject came up for discussion in my circle of male friends not too long ago, (most except one or two, are married or settled down, all with kids whether married or not), and the consensus was that I was the one who had the most active sex life, even though I am single. Some of what I heard from my mates, when this was discussed, genuinely took me aback, for example what appeared to be a serious lack of intimacy when sex did happen, in particular, partners who don't want to do some certain things that I would consider to be fairly fundamental to a good night of sex, for example oral sex, etc.

I got the impression that some of these relationships had gone seriously stale for want of a better way of describing them, that they had stopped working on them and keeping the spark alive. Throw in one or two kids and the inevitable financial pressures that must come with life today in 2013 if you have kids, (not something that I need to worry about as a single guy), and you can easily see how a relationship can become devoid of intimacy.

24 years married now. I don't want to appear crude but you have to keep the intimate moments alive.

We have had tough times financially etc....but part of a marriage or a partnership is the love life.

Tasden · 21-12-2013 09:28PM

brilou23 wrote: »

yeah she says she still feels the same but has lost her drive i find it very hard but i have to ask myself which i love more sex or family

Then you need to ask her will she go to her GP and get tested to see if its hormonal, (not medical advice btw just a suggestion to rule issues out) if its purely a physical issue with hormones following pregnancy then it may be treatable. If its psychological then you need to talk it out. She could be just exhausted and not feel attractive or womanly since her day is spent nagging at and cleaning up after kids. Its a huge thing that men often overlook especially if the woman is a stay at home mam, she's not even having adult conversations let alone feeling like a desirable woman!

brilou23 · 21-12-2013 09:30PM

Tasden wrote: »

Then you need to ask her will she go to her GP and get tested to see if its hormonal, (not medical advice btw just a suggestion to rule issues out) if its purely a physical issue with hormones following pregnancy then it may be treatable. If its psychological then you need to talk it out. She could be just exhausted and not feel attractive or womanly since her day is spent nagging at and cleaning up after kids. Its a huge thing that men often overlook especially if the woman is a stay at home mam, she's not even having adult conversations let alone feeling like a desirable woman!

she is workin and i am out of work so i do all the work with the child i asked her to go to the doctor but she wont thats the most annoying thing

Shrobbs · 21-12-2013 09:31PM

Aineoil wrote: »

24 years married now. I don't want to appear crude but you have to keep the intimate moments alive.

We have had tough times financially etc....but part of a marriage or a partnership is the love life.

Maybe you could organise a romantic weekend away somewhere, if she still isn't interested in sex then it's obviously something else that is killing her sex drive and not the kids and chores.

jackofalltrades · 21-12-2013 09:31PM

Czarcasm wrote: »

It's just as incredibly selfish to force or attempt to force another individual to have sex with you by issuing them with shìtty ultimatums and warnings like that.

His wife isn't forcing brilou not to have sex, it just seems that for whatever reason, she is not interested in having sex with him, and again - there could be an infinite number of reasons for that.

By failing to even address the issue she's basically giving him the option of a celibate marriage or getting a divorce if he wants to have sex in the future. That's a fairly stark choice.

Tasden · 21-12-2013 09:32PM

brilou23 wrote: »

she is workin and i am out of work so i do all the work with the child i asked her to go to the doctor but she wont thats the most annoying thing

Hmm that's strange then, you should be the one pushing her away! That's a tough situation to be in
Is her job stressful?

brilou23 · 21-12-2013 09:34PM

jackofalltrades wrote: »

By failing to even address the issue she's basically giving him the option of a celibate marriage or getting a divorce if he wants to have sex in the future. That's a fairly stark choice.

i feel like such a complainer she does so much for us the family apart from the sex issue

December2012 · 21-12-2013 09:35PM

brilou23 wrote: »

she is workin and i am out of work so i do all the work with the child i asked her to go to the doctor but she wont thats the most annoying thing

Could she have post natal depression? Has it been like this since the child was born?

dark crystal · 21-12-2013 09:41PM

brilou23 wrote: »

i feel like such a complainer she does so much for us the family apart from the sex issue

Is there any chance she could have post natal depression? Lack of sex drive is a major symptom.

I had PND after my first child and the thought of sex with my partner actually repulsed me. I didn't have a clue why I felt the way I did and when I eventually mentioned it to my public health nurse, she said it sounded like classic PND, so I went to the doctor, who put me on anti depressants and two months later, I felt so much better.

Perhaps approach the subject with her and explain your concerns.

Demonical · 21-12-2013 09:57PM

The pill is another reason why women might not be interested in sex. I've tried dozens of different pills and each and every one of them have had the same effect, that is, I had a complete and total lack of libido while on them..and this is not a rare side effect of the pill.

puppieperson · 21-12-2013 09:59PM

"women give sex for love and men give love for sex" . Eventually one just gets bored and breaks the deal but the love is there. Look around we are a sex saturated society, its eveywhere advertising cars food perfume - everything is sex obsessed sometimes its nice to just have a quiet place and a nice partner who doesn't want the sex and just wants the hugs and support.
This generation 30's upwards had lots of sex as soon as we were able to - unlike our parents we had freedom and eventually we became bored with it.
It has become a vulgar commodity it is no longer precious or sacred its been destroyed and sullied by porn, the internet explicit films and lyrics etc etc there are no limits. It is no longer something special........ and sometimes its even a chore.

Czarcasm · 21-12-2013 10:03PM

Aineoil wrote: »

I think communication is the issue here. As you said she may have many reasons for not wanting sex. For some couples the area of not talking about being intimate is very sensitive.

Nail on the head there Aineoil. Some people have great difficulty expressing what's going on in their mind and they don't want to discuss the issue, and no amount of coaxing, counselling or indeed giving them ultimatums that you will seek sexual fulfilment elsewhere is going to get them to talk about the issue. So, that leads to jackofalltrades summation -

jackofalltrades wrote: »

By failing to even address the issue she's basically giving him the option of a celibate marriage or getting a divorce if he wants to have sex in the future. That's a fairly stark choice.

It's a stark choice, but it IS nonetheless a choice, and in that situation, a person still has options - weigh up the pros and cons, and then make a decision on whether to keep trying, ease off, stay, or leave. Because everybody's circumstances will be different, the factors influencing their decisions will be different, and like I said, without knowing any of the affected parties personally, we could speculate all we want and still be no closer to offering any quick and easy solution.

Wabbit Ears · 21-12-2013 10:30PM

Tasden wrote: »

Yeah, that's not true.

Kids can mean you have to make an effort to make time for it, and pregnancy and childbirth can cause hormonal changes leading to low libido for the woman, but the fact you have kids does not mean you have no sex life!

Ive spoken about this to loads of my friends who are in the same boat, sex takes a complete backstage, you do it infrequently and its usually a quicky.

With kids you're tired, all the time. Its not hormones, its not post natal depression, it its being bloody knackered 24/7 and the last thing your wife wants to do after taking care of the kids all day, finally getting an hour or so to spend some time with you instead of the kids is to suck you off.

December2012 · 21-12-2013 10:38PM

Well in my situation I disagree. I love having sex with my husband. It's loving and bonding, it feels good plus it's a way to keep that part of your personality alive.

If there is ever a time to be reminded of your sexiness it's when life in its own way tries to take it away from you.

Okay the sexy lingerie is replaced for a time by nursing bras and warm pjs, the baby vomit lingers instead of perfume and you've touched another persons arse 20 times that day wiping faeces off it when changing nappies.

If there's ever a phase in your life when your partner and you should be reminding yourselves how much you love each other and how attracted you are to each other physically (despite the sleeplessness, the vomit and the mundanity) it's this phase.

nc19 · 21-12-2013 10:42PM

puppieperson wrote: »

"women give sex for love and men give love for sex" . Eventually one just gets bored and breaks the deal but the love is there. Look around we are a sex saturated society, its eveywhere advertising cars food perfume - everything is sex obsessed sometimes its nice to just have a quiet place and a nice partner who doesn't want the sex and just wants the hugs and support.
This generation 30's upwards had lots of sex as soon as we were able to - unlike our parents we had freedom and eventually we became bored with it.
It has become a vulgar commodity it is no longer precious or sacred its been destroyed and sullied by porn, the internet explicit films and lyrics etc etc there are no limits. It is no longer something special........ and sometimes its even a chore.

You have issues with sex and all things related imo

Tasden · 21-12-2013 10:53PM

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Ive spoken about this to loads of my friends who are in the same boat, sex takes a complete backstage, you do it infrequently and its usually a quicky.

With kids you're tired, all the time. Its not hormones, its not post natal depression, it its being bloody knackered 24/7 and the last thing your wife wants to do after taking care of the kids all day, finally getting an hour or so to spend some time with you instead of the kids is to suck you off.

Both myself and my partner have a child each from previous relationships, we have sex every time we see each other, whether its only once or twice a week or its every day.
When living with a previous partner it was basically every night or every second night.

liliq · 21-12-2013 10:58PM

December2012 wrote: »

Well in my situation I disagree. I love having sex with my husband. It's loving and bonding, it feels good plus it's a way to keep that part of your personality alive.

If there is ever a time to be reminded of your sexiness it's when life in its own way tries to take it away from you.

Okay the sexy lingerie is replaced for a time by nursing bras and warm pjs, the baby vomit lingers instead of perfume and you've touched another persons arse 20 times that day wiping faeces off it when changing nappies.

If there's ever a phase in your life when your partner and you should be reminding yourselves how much you love each other and how attracted you are to each other physically (despite the sleeplessness, the vomit and the mundanity) it's this phase.

Pretty much exactly +1 on this!
We don't have sex as frequently as we did before but that's not to say we aren't regularly have sex and enjoying it.

nlgbbbblth · 21-12-2013 11:11PM

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Anyone who has young kids and says they have any sort of a sex life is a liar.

I disagree.

There's disruption and frequency reduces for a while but that passes once both partners work at it. After a while it's not that difficult to settle back into intimacy. You need to make time for it but kids are not the death knell for sex.

Teyla Emmagan · 21-12-2013 11:14PM

I have a friend who has gone off her partner. She used to think he was the hottest thing on two legs, now she doesn't want to touch him. He nags her for sex. And she's all 'No, I'm exhausted all the time, because you do nothing for the kids' (they've two). And she resents his laziness tbf. And now they're going to couples therapy. And she's going off him more and more, to the extent she's thinking of leaving him. And he's finally seen the light, so he's trying to do more with the kids. And everytime he does anything, he's basically there going 'look how well I did, can we have sex now'?

She says, it's like chocolate. Do you like chocolate? Yes! Would you like chocolate as much if there was someone there ALL THE TIME going 'do you like chocolate, can we have chocolate now'?. He's basically doing her nut in. And I get the impression (could be totally wrong), that he's more a 3 times a day, than a 3 times a week man.

Very complicated. I have to be honest and say though that that would do my head in as well, fairly fast.

Tasden · 21-12-2013 11:20PM

Yeah but the nagging for sex is a catch 22 issue, if you have enough sex there's no need for nagging, if you don't have much sex the nagging starts and the more someone nags you the less you want to have sex with them. It takes effort from both parties and most of the time, like the example you gave, the lack of sex is more to do with issues in the relationship (feeling underappreciated) or with one person (depression) than an actual like or dislike of sex itself.

Sexless marriage/relationships

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