Sexless marriage/relationships

Sunnyisland

Was out last night with a group of male friends and the conversation got around to sex and relationships,to our astonishment one of the lads who got married just under three years ago said they don't have sex anymore,;he said; that his wife has no intrest and is not at all bothered by it.

Before they were married it was all go,fun games etc etc and where as now they have everything martarialistic the sex has gone, They have no children.

What you think AH ? Is this normal and what's to be done...




Tldr Newly married man is not getting sex anymore what should he/they do

Wibbs

If they're both happy with the arrangement then fine, if one isn't that's the issue. I'm assuming the bloke in this case isn't?

Real tricky one. Marriage counseling? Is he doing something or not, that's caused her to go off the nooky, or is this something with her alone? Medical issue?

If it was her natural sex drive level and I didn't see a change down the line I'd be gone TBH.

MonstaMash

I have the best relationship in the world...we live 170km away from each other & only see each other at the weekends

Has been working out blissfully for us for 6+ years now

Sunnyisland

Wibbs wrote: »

If they're both happy with the arrangement then fine, if one isn't that's the issue. I'm assuming the bloke in this case isn't?

Real tricky one. Marriage counseling? Is he doing something or not, that's caused her to go off the nooky, or is this something with her alone? Medical issue?

If it was her natural sex drive level and I didn't see a change down the line I'd be gone TBH.

No he is not happy at all and according to my friend his lovely wife has just gone off it and just nags when he tries to bring the conversation up

I know them years and it's a bit of shock to hear this is happening to them,very strange.

SCOOP 64

Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?

MonstaMash

realies wrote: »

No he is not happy at all and according to my friend his lovely wife has just gone off it and just nags when he tries to bring the conversation up

I know them years and it's a bit of shock to hear this is happening to them,very strange.

If they both value the relationship, maybe counselling is the logical way forward...

Without communication it would be nigh on impossible to be intimate IMHO

nlgbbbblth

Not normal at all. The fact that they've no children makes it worse.

professore

Is he well off? Your mention of materialistic things make me suspect this. Maybe she was after him for money and just not attracted - but performed for him to get him to marry her.

Happens all the time. IMO if he goes looking elsewhere for sex she can't complain in this situation.

Once the interest in sex goes from one side it's very bad for a relationship.

professore

SCOOP 64 wrote: »

Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?

Clearly you're a single man.

professore

As for advice, I would try counselling. If she refuses, make it clear you are very unhappy and will seek it elsewhere, if a very good reason can't be found.

Teyla Emmagan

professore wrote: »

Is he well off? Your mention of materialistic things make me suspect this. Maybe she was after him for money and just not attracted - but performed for him to get him to marry her.

Happens all the time. IMO if he goes looking elsewhere for sex she can't complain in this situation.

Once the interest in sex goes from one side it's very bad for a relationship.

He didn't say materialistic, read it again.

And maybe the OP's friend took his marriage vows seriously which is why he isn't cheating on his wife.

Teyla Emmagan

Double post. I can't use this phone at all!

Daqster

SCOOP 64 wrote: »

Why should getting married change anything, it was all go before?

Ha, if marriage didn't calm the fires of lust then we would have had no Carry On movies and half the TV shows in the 70s and 80s would never have been made.

My favourite sexless marriage being the Ropers of course.

looking_around

It's not cheating if they talk about an open relationship.

Differing sex drive are quite common, but a balance must be found that both parties are ok with.
If she won't talk about, get him to write about it, text about it to her.
he needs to decide if this is something he can put up with or if no sex is going make him want to leave.
He then needs to tell her this. Sometimes the ultimatum needs to be given.
Find out if there's something going on with her?
For some women in can be extremely painful, she might be emabarrassed to talk about this, but he has to force the issue if he's going to solve it.

Increase sex/Intimacy:
*Schedule it.
*Play Strip Games/Shower together.
*Watch Porn
*Mutual Masturbation
*Oral.

CBFi

Were they going out long before they got married?

I've heard similar from a frightening amount of people lately...they aren't even married and it has often ended in finding out the one who is not up for sex had been cheating. These have all been the male in the relationship in these cases. Any chance she is getting what she needs elsewhere?

If he isn't happy, they have to start working on this. Back to basics-going on dates, trying new things, getting the spark back. Otherwise it's game over IMHO.

Best of luck to your friend!

Wacker The Attacker

In an ideal world a healthy and enjoyable sex life would all be part of a happy marriage.

As we all know, there are any number of reasons why this wouldn't be the case. For this reason any rush to judgement would be foolish and premature.

Floraidh

Marriage guidance, they need to get to the root of the problem.If she wont talk the issues will only get worse.

caustic 1

I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.

Wacker The Attacker

caustic 1 wrote: »

I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.

He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage

Tasden

Generally the more you have the more you want it and the less you have the less you care about it so if life gets in the way (kids, work etc) and you end up not doing it as often you can get in a bit of a rut and don't care as much about making the effort to make time for it. That's why its so important to not let things slide to begin with.

Penny Tration

Personally, I could not stay in a relationship without sex, an exception being if the person has a medical condition that cannot be fixed.

If the person isn't physically unable to have sex, but chooses not to, or has psychological issues that they flat out refuse to address, I'd leave. Relationships include an intimate physical side. Without that, it's friendship.

caustic 1

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage

She endured it.

Wacker The Attacker

green_screen wrote: »

Personally, I could not stay in a relationship without sex, an exception being if the person has a medical condition that cannot be fixed.

If the person isn't physically unable to have sex, but chooses not to, or has psychological issues that they flat out refuse to address, I'd leave. Relationships include an intimate physical side. Without that, it's friendship.

Cant a strong marriage survive without sex.

Wacker The Attacker

caustic 1 wrote: »

She endured it.

Your man was hardly ridin' himself was he

Santa Cruz

caustic 1 wrote: »

I once talked to someone married over 20 years and hasn't had sex for the last 13 of those. When brought up he said it was a good healthy sign of the relationship... I say fiddlesticks. They do have children which is why she hasn't scarpered. It has become more like flatmates or sibblings now and the idea of sex with him repulses her now. I just think he doing the durty elsewhere...has to be.

Has he introduced her to anal sex? It might be the solution.

caustic 1

I don't think so. Where kids are involved they can be the glue to hold together for a while, then what, fall apart at the seams?

caustic 1

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

Your man was hardly ridin' himself was he

I don't think so no, I really can't imagine anyone male or female going that long without.

Wacker The Attacker

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Has he introduced her to anal sex? It might be the solution.

A backdoor solution if ever there was one.

Wacker The Attacker

caustic 1 wrote: »

I don't think so no, I really can't imagine anyone male or female going that long without.

Indeed. I couldnt imagine it

johnayo

OP. What age bracket is your friend and his wife in. Are they elderly. Maybe she feels too old to have sex.

Loafing Oaf

Tasden wrote: »

if life gets in the way (kids, work etc) and you end up not doing it as often you can get in a bit of a rut

Or not, as the case may be...

Sunnyisland

johnayo wrote: »

OP. What age bracket is your friend and his wife in. Are they elderly. Maybe she feels too old to have sex.

Both are36.

Penny Tration

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

Cant a strong marriage survive without sex.

I wouldn't consider it a strong marriage if people can't bring themselves to have sex.

Donaldio

Hhhmmm thats a tricky one. First off bringing it up in conversation might be a bit tackles a more supple aproach would be more romantic wine and dine etc. Even then he has to be prepared to play a long game this problem wont be fixed over night. I think he should try to injeckt some romance but a subtle aproach is needed it has to be enjoyable and interesting for her and he must know the right buttons to press inside and outside the bedroom. Straight up asking a woman for sex in coversation is about the least sexy thing a man can do.

I would think he should try to salvage this if the relationship is gone cold. The first initial phase or romance is maybe the easy part but he should not take for granted what he has now it will be missed if is lost.

Also he should ask himself is he in two minds about this relationship himself ? If he is thats no good either ! Otherwise he should value what he has they may still have alot to learn about each other. Maybe she is honestly just not into sex ?

Loafing Oaf

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage

Surely pretty common if both parties are 60+

caustic 1

both were in 30s now 40s

Pang

It seems pointless to be in a married relationship if there is no sexual contact, especially if both people haven't agreed to such an arrangement.

The Diabolical Monocle

Get a goomah or a hoor

UCDVet

Pang wrote: »

It seems pointless to be in a married relationship if there is no sexual contact, especially if both people haven't agreed to such an arrangement.

No disrespect intended; but I think that's completely wrong

Sexual contact is just a tiny part of a marriage. If you are getting married just to get laid, you're making a mistake.

Tasden

UCDVet wrote: »

No disrespect intended; but I think that's completely wrong

Sexual contact is just a tiny part of a marriage. If you are getting married just to get laid, you're making a mistake.

If you build a relationship with someone which includes sex and they propose to you they want to cement and build upon the relationship ye already have together. This includes the sex life ye have now. If you never had sex before fair enough but taking it away as its "only a tiny part of marriage" is not fair. And I don't think its a tiny part of marriage, if someone has sex every night with their partner and then its taken away once they're married that's a huge part of your life/bedtime routine gone, never mind the intimacy, closeness, fun, you miss sharing with your partner.

Pang

There needs to be some sexual contact in a married relationship or otherwise you just become like siblings or friends. A certain level of intimacy is required.

UCDVet

Tasden wrote: »

If you build a relationship with someone which includes sex and they propose to you they want to cement and build upon the relationship ye already have together. This includes the sex life ye have now. If you never had sex before fair enough but taking it away as its "only a tiny part of marriage" is not fair. And I don't think its a tiny part of marriage, if someone has sex every night with their partner and then its taken away once they're married that's a huge part of your life/bedtime routine gone, never mind the intimacy, closeness, fun, you miss sharing with your partner.

Sure - but that's an entirely different situation that you are describing.

My comment was in response to someone who said:

It seems pointless to be in a married relationship if there is no sexual contact

That doesn't mean that it was taken away. That means, there is no point in being married if there is no sexual contact.

Wattle

I don't think there's any great mystery. After a certain amount of time people can get bored with each other sexually. Even though they might still love and care for each other the passion just dies. When you think about it monogamy is quite unnatural.

The Corinthian

UCDVet wrote: »

Sexual contact is just a tiny part of a marriage. If you are getting married just to get laid, you're making a mistake.

Not every day you hear something so daft, but there you go.

Thing is sexual contact is not a tiny part of marriage, it's a gigantic part and one of the principle reasons why marriage was originally invented - reproduction - which is intimately pretty closely tied to sex (presuming your elective preference isn't for reproduction via IVF).

Moreover, one of the presumptions of marriage is the concept of monogamy, whereby you "forgo all others" for sexual contact with only your spouse; in some US states, not forgoing all others, A.K.A. adultery, is even legally a felony. As such, lack of sexual contact in a marriage is particularly serious, because it means that in theory the person denied sex is doomed to a life of celibacy as they are forbidden to seek it elsewhere.

All of which is before one considers the bonding effects that sex produces in couples.

So suggesting that "sexual contact is just a tiny part of a marriage" is utterly daft. It's almost certainly the single most important part of a marriage and so reflected by the laws and customs that have grown up around the institution.

nc19

UCDVet wrote: »

No disrespect intended; but I think that's completely wrong

Sexual contact is just a tiny part of a marriage. If you are getting married just to get laid, you're making a mistake.

Either ;

You get it enough to have never known what it is like not to (within a marraige)

Or

You have no interest in it therefore dont miss ot



Either way, your statement is pointless

JuliusCaesar

Wacker The Attacker wrote: »

He should be canonised if he endured a 13 year dry spell for a marriage

caustic 1 wrote: »

She endured it.

Yes, newsflash, women like sex! :eek:

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

Surely pretty common if both parties are 60+

Yes, newsflash, older people like sex, even into their 70s, 80s and beyond - maybe not as frequently (men) or as gymnastically, but your grandparents are probably still getting it on. :eek:

Tasden

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

Yes, newsflash, women like sex!

But was the point of that original post not that the woman in that case didn't like sex, or at least didn't want it with her partner. She was the one not interested, he was.

JuliusCaesar

Tasden wrote: »

But was the point of that original post not that the woman in that case didn't like sex, or at least didn't want it with her partner. She was the one not interested, he was.

Indeedy, but the point is that both/either sex can go off sex or not want it. That's fine if it's both people in the marriage, but often it's one or the other.

Sunnyisland

Tasden wrote: »

But was the point of that original post not that the woman in that case didn't like sex, or at least didn't want it with her partner. She was the one not interested, he was.

That's correct, in this case it's the woman who has changed completely.She is still a loving caring women in every other way,except in the lovemaking department.

Czarcasm

There's not nearly enough information in the OP to be able to form any kind of an opinion on his friends immediate apparent issue that there is a lack of sex within their marriage.

Lack of sex within a marriage can be down to an infinite number of reasons and more often than not is never as easily solved as "Sit down and talk", "Up 'n' leave", "Get it somewhere else/they have to be getting it somewhere else" nor "Seek marriage guidance/counselling", etc.

Without knowing the people involved, it's impossible to comment with any authority on the circumstances of their relationship.

Tasden

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

Indeedy, but the point is that both/either sex can go off sex or not want it. That's fine if it's both people in the marriage, but often it's one or the other.

OK I get you now. I don't think people were saying it was a female/male problem, just that it was a woman in the cases being discussed and the man endured it. Also I think the whole "women not wanting sex" has some merits because they go through so many hormonal changes, after childbirth/menopause for example, that can play havoc with your body, so its not really a "women don't like sex" myth its more women can go off sex alot easier than men generally due to biology (not saying men dont have their own battles!). Although I could be talking crap here!