What do I do? 12 yr old has lied and deceived me.

Shark · 17-12-2013 5:58pm #1

Hi all. I'm looking for any advise or suggestions or help with my situation. This is a long one so please bear with me.

A couple of weeks ago my son comes in from school and tells me that his class are going on a Christmas trip. Then last week before heading out the door to school he tells me that he needs the money for the trip today. I asked him for the information slip and permission form that the teacher would normally send home and he said he didn't get one. He showed me €8 which was his own pocket money and asked me for the rest €7 to make it €15 in total. So I gave it to him and off he went.

Monday morning he gets up and tells me he is going on his school trip today! I was surprised as he hadn't mentioned it before and again I hadn't got a note from school. He said the teacher never gave out any notes about it. Although I thought it was a little odd, I believed him and did him up a large packed lunch and gave him another €5 spending money.

He comes in Monday after school and I asked him about the trip. He told me he made a mistake and it was on Wednesday but he forgot his permission form. I told him to hang onto his spending money and make sure he brought the permission form home The next day so I could sign it.

So in he comes today and I asked for the permission form and he said his teacher said he doesn't need one. Then he mentioned something about the trip costing €9!!! Straight away I questioned him about the €15 he told me he needed the week before for his trip. He started crying and denying that he ever said the trip was €15. I then asked where the €5 spending money was and he said he left it in school at first. This went on for a while with different story's coming out and he was getting caught up as he was telling lies.

Bottom line and the truth that was eventually came out and here it is:
He knew he only needed €9 for the trip but asked me for €15. He spent the €15 on sweets and on Monday used the €5 I gave him along with €4 of his own money to actually pay for the trip.

I am so disappointed in him and just so upset that he would do this. He only ever has to ask for anything that he needs and depending on how much he needed might be asked to do jobs around the house to help earn it.

As punishment I have removed his xbox (which he adores) and will be going to see his teacher in the morning to let him know that my son is not to go on the trip. He has also been given a very stern talking to and sent to his room for the evening.

I know I should have been more on the ball about the permission form as I don't think they can go on trips without it. I'm kicking myself for not quizzing him more on it and insisting he brings it home before giving him any money. But thenI trusted him and I never thought he do this.

I know it's only a small amount of money but thats not the point. I feel he effectively stole from me and lied to me.

Is this too much punishment or not enough?
What else could I do?
Any helpful suggestions to help us all move on from this would be greatly appreciated.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 6:58pm

In honesty, I think you need to relax and get this in context. Take the X box of him this time. And leave it at that.

Sarah Bear · 17-12-2013 7:01pm

€15 is a lot to spend on sweets would it be possible that someone in school is perhaps bullying him to give him money? Just a thought

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 7:06pm

Sarah Bear wrote: »

€15 is a lot to spend on sweets would it be possible that someone in school is perhaps bullying him to give him money? Just a thought

Bullying? You're kidding. If you want to go down the alarmist line, you should also consider booze, fags, hash and speed. I'm not kidding by the way.

What if he's saving up for a Christmas present for his parents? Take the x box away for a couple of nights and keep an eye on it, and relax.

deadybai · 17-12-2013 7:11pm

yeah your lucky that it was only sweets and not drugs or fags.

Shark · 17-12-2013 7:14pm

Kettleson wrote: »

In honesty, I think you need to relax and get this in context. Take the X box of him this time. And leave it at that.

Really? I don't think I can relax about lying and deceiving money from me. He knew the trip was only €9 and yet told me it was €15. That is not just being an opportunist, that was thought out blatant lies. I know it's not a lot of money involved but it's the principle of it. He knew what he was doing was wrong but did it anyway. I won't reward this behavior by allowing him to go on the trip. Thanks for your input all the same.

Sarah Bear wrote: »

€15 is a lot to spend on sweets would it be possible that someone in school is perhaps bullying him to give him money? Just a thought

That thought did occur to me as he was bullied in the past. I have asked him repeatedly if this was the case and he said it's not. I would believe him as he is very good at letting me know if there is anyone bothering him.

Shark · 17-12-2013 7:17pm

Kettleson wrote: »

Bullying? You're kidding. If you want to go down the alarmist line, you should also consider booze, fags, hash and speed. I'm not kidding by the way.

What if he's saving up for a Christmas present for his parents? Take the x box away for a couple of nights and keep an eye on it, and relax.

Believe me I had that thought too. Only about the cigarettes though. He said he was spending the money over a number days on his way home from school then putting the wrappers in the bin so I wouldn't see them.

He wasn't saving for a present, he told me he spent the lot on sweets.

Nonoperational · 17-12-2013 7:21pm

Sometimes lads do that, and there's no particular reason for it. It can be a case of waking up and thinking that he all of a sudden has a genius way of getting a few extra euro. It's usually quite innocent and hopefully it will be lesson learned. I'd be on the look out for more serious things like bullying or smoking, but if your happy there's nothing like that going on, then a good talking to and a few days without the x-box sounds spot on severity wise. If it happens again then you may have to give it more thought.

Shark · 17-12-2013 7:33pm

Thanks nonoperational. I really hope it's not going to lead to anymore problems. We had a couple of hours to calm dawn and when came down for dinner we had another chat with him. He has apologised and does seem genuinely sorry and understands what he done was wrong. I'll admit I was furious when it all came out earlier as I never would have thought he would ever do such a thing. I will be keeping a much closer eye on him.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 7:44pm

Shark wrote: »

Really? I don't think I can relax about lying and deceiving money from me. He knew the trip was only €9 and yet told me it was €15. That is not just being an opportunist, that was thought out blatant lies. I know it's not a lot of money involved but it's the principle of it. He knew what he was doing was wrong but did it anyway. I won't reward this behavior by allowing him to go on the trip. Thanks for your input all the same.

That thought did occur to me as he was bullied in the past. I have asked him repeatedly if this was the case and he said it's not. I would believe him as he is very good at letting me know if there is anyone bothering him.

So you ask for advice and chose not to take consider it? Ok. I see you have now calmed down. That's good.

It's not like he robbed 100 from your purse/wallet. These years are crucial when building relationships between teenagers and parents. If you go in gung-ho you can cause a lot of irreparable damage that you won't be able to fix.

The_Pretender · 17-12-2013 7:48pm

I think that's a bit harsh to be honest. Take away the xbox, but keeping him off the school trip is going have a bigger impact with it most likely being in someway educational

Shark · 17-12-2013 7:53pm

Kettleson wrote: »

So you ask for advice and chose not to take consider it? Ok. I see you have now calmed down. That's good.

It's not like he robbed 100 from your purse/wallet. These years are crucial when building relationships between teenagers and parents. If you go in gung-ho you can cause a lot of irreparable damage that you won't be able to fix.

It's not that I haven't considered the advice, I have. And I'll be very honest and say that I do feel guilty about not letting him go on it but I do think if I let him go, it may send a message that it's ok to do what he did and still get to go on his trip.

With regards to building relationships I totally agree and I may not have handled myself as well as I should have at first but after we had a bit of time away from each other, we did then have a much better talk about it.

Joshycat · 17-12-2013 7:53pm

Kettleson wrote: »

So you ask for advice and chose not to take consider it? Ok. I see you have now calmed down. That's good.

It's not like he robbed 100 from your purse/wallet. These years are crucial when building relationships between teenagers and parents. If you go in gung-ho you can cause a lot of irreparable damage that you won't be able to fix.

Yes but if this incident is not dealt with it could lead to large sums being robbed

olddear · 17-12-2013 8:01pm

Most children tell lies, big and small. Ask your son why he needed to lie and if he wanted money so bad why did he not ask you for it. Maybe he could do a few chores around the house and get extra money for this. He isn't the first child to tell his parents a lie. Don't over do the punishment. You have dealt with it, so shake hands and give them a hug and say please do not lie to you again as it really upset you. They are only 12. It's not nice when children lie to their parents but that's what happens and you are not the first parent for this to happen to. There are worse things that they could have done. They have had their punishment so leave it at that otherwise there will be a lot of resentment. Hopefully this will be the worst thing that your child will do. They grow up fast. Hope it works out all right for you.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 8:02pm

Joshycat wrote: »

Yes but if this incident is not dealt with it could lead to large sums being robbed

I agree. But I advised getting it in context. The OP posted 11 paragraphs of anguished writing. That to me would suggest that something was a bit unbalanced and I was suggesting not to do anything too reactionary.

The child has already been in tears and expressed remorse, but the OP expressed an intention to go into the school and cause further embarrassment and upset by way of punishment, as well as not allowing the child to go on the Christmas trip. That's unhinged behaviour in my opinion.

freshpopcorn · 17-12-2013 8:49pm

Children and adults lie every day of the week. It's important that he understands lying is wrong. He has apologized to you so I think ye should have a chat about it and keep the x-box for a few more days but I would leave him go on the school trip.

Shark · 17-12-2013 9:17pm

Kettleson wrote: »

I agree. But I advised getting it in context. The OP posted 11 paragraphs of anguished writing. That to me would suggest that something was a bit unbalanced and I was suggesting not to do anything too reactionary.

The child has already been in tears and expressed remorse, but the OP expressed an intention to go into the school and cause further embarrassment and upset by way of punishment, as well as not allowing the child to go on the Christmas trip. That's unhinged behaviour in my opinion.

Hold a second, I came here looking for advise about my child's behavior and if it's something I should be worried about and now you are saying I'm "unhinged"? Do you even know what that word means? There is nothing wrong with my mental health. I think you are well out of line making comments like that.

I never said anything about speaking to his teacher to embarrass him, but the teacher would need some sort of explanation as to why he can't go and it would be done very discreetly.

I'm a very concerned parent that wants the best for my children. He is my eldest child and we are moving into a new phase of his life which I know will be challenging at times. I might not always get it right but that doesn't mean I'm psychotic.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 9:25pm

un·hinged [uhn-hinjd] Show IPA
adjective
1.
having no hinge or hinges, or with the hinges removed: an unhinged gate.
2.
unsettled, disordered, or distraught

See 2. Who mentioned psychotic?

Shark · 17-12-2013 9:34pm

Kettleson wrote: »

un·hinged [uhn-hinjd] Show IPA
adjective
1.
having no hinge or hinges, or with the hinges removed: an unhinged gate.
2.
unsettled, disordered, or distraught

See 2. Who mentioned psychotic?

Source from the Collins dictionary.

unhinged
If you describe someone's behaviour or performance as unhinged, you are critical of it because it seems wild and uncontrollable. (JOURNALISM) adj
(disapproval) The phrase `yeah yeah yeah' can rarely have been delivered with so much unhinged passion.
Translation English - Cobuild Collins Dictionary Suggest a new translation / definition.
Collins
unhinge ( unhinges 3rd person present) ( unhinging present participle) ( unhinged past tense & past participle ) If you say that an experience has unhinged someone, you mean that it has affected them so deeply that they have become mentally ill. verb
The stress of war temporarily unhinged him. V n
♦ unhinged adj
...feelings that make you feel completely unhinged and crazy.

unhinged
If you describe someone's behaviour or performance as unhinged, you are critical of it because it seems wild and uncontrollable. (JOURNALISM) adj
(disapproval) The phrase `yeah yeah yeah' can rarely have been delivered with so much unhinged passion.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 9:36pm

I prefer my reference. Read into it what you may. You were looking for advice, I gave you my opinion and responded to another post.

The_Pretender · 17-12-2013 9:38pm

Shark wrote: »

Hold a second, I came here looking for advise about my child's behavior and if it's something I should be worried about

No, there's nothing to be worried about. He codded you out of €6 extra but ended up spending all €15 on sweets. It happens, he's 12.

I understand you have his best interests at heart, but don't be too hard on him. Speaking from experience, one of my parents was very overbearing when I was around his age, and due to it it's seriously damaged our relationship. For this situation, I'd just leave it at taking away the xbox for a few days. If you deprive him the school trip, he'll never forget, I can promise you that much.

In the mind of a parent they think by coming down hard on the child, the child will know what happens if they do it again. This may work with children under 10, but by age 12 they're getting their first glimpse of proper freedom. I assume he'll probably be in secondary next year! It doesn't work like that with an older child though. You come down too hard on him, he'll want to get his own back and instead he'll try ways of doing wrong without you finding out. It'll have the reverse effect. He may even start to resent you for being so overbearing.

You need to start showing him that you realise he's getting older, but what he did was wrong and you're disappointed in him. Treat him like a 12 year old, not a 5 year old. Don't treat him like a baby and go up telling his teacher that he's been a bad boy and can't go on the trip.

freshpopcorn · 17-12-2013 9:41pm

You are looking for advise OP.
People here understand that your upset.
Can you ever remember lying as a child/adult?
What your son did was wrong but myself and some of the other posters here think your punishment is a bit harsh. Especially with it being Christmas week.
You should talk to him and make him understand that it's wrong but you should allow him to go on the trip. Harsh punishments don't always get good results.

anncoates · 17-12-2013 9:42pm

You're right to punish him but I'd probably just take the XBox and leave it at that but your call.

What he did was wrong but most of us did it at some stage so while not letting him off lightly, I'd not be overly stressed about it.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 9:45pm

I made my comments in good faith and in the best interest of both you and your child, whether you believe that or not is up to you.

There are loads of writings out there., but I'll chose this one to summarise my opinion..

"....punishment undermines your relationship with your child, makes kids feel worse about themselves (which makes them act worse) and sabotages your child's development of self-discipline".

And with that I'm done.

anncoates · 17-12-2013 9:46pm

Kettleson wrote: »

un·hinged [uhn-hinjd] Show IPA
adjective
1.
having no hinge or hinges, or with the hinges removed: an unhinged gate.
2.
unsettled, disordered, or distraught

See 2. Who mentioned psychotic?

Calling it unhinged is a little OTT and disrespectful.

We're all parents here just trying to do the best we can.

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 9:51pm

anncoates wrote: »

Calling it unhinged is a little OTT and disrespectful.

We're all parents here just trying to do the best we can.

OK, don't dwell too much on semantics. Shark, I offer my apologise for using the word unhinged. No offence intended.

Parenting can be "maddening" at times wouldn't you agree?

Shark · 17-12-2013 9:57pm

Kettleson wrote: »

I prefer my reference. Read into it what you may. You were looking for advice, I gave you my opinion and responded to another post.

That's your choice. There are a number of different meanings and references to what "unhinged" means and we'll have to agree to disagree.

The_Pretender wrote: »

No, there's nothing to be worried about. He codded you out of €6 extra but ended up spending all €15 on sweets. It happens, he's 12.

I understand you have his best interests at heart, but don't be too hard on him. Speaking from experience, one of my parents was very overbearing when I was around his age, and due to it it's seriously damaged our relationship. For this situation, I'd just leave it at taking away the xbox for a few days. If you deprive him the school trip, he'll never forget, I can promise you that much.

In the mind of a parent they think by coming down hard on the child, the child will know what happens if they do it again. This may work with children under 10, but by age 12 they're getting their first glimpse of proper freedom. I assume he'll probably be in secondary next year! It doesn't work like that with an older child though. You come down too hard on him, he'll want to get his own back and instead he'll try ways of doing wrong without you finding out. It'll have the reverse effect. He may even start to resent you for being so overbearing.

You need to start showing him that you realise he's getting older, but what he did was wrong and you're disappointed in him. Treat him like a 12 year old, not a 5 year old. Don't treat him like a baby and go up telling his teacher that he's been a bad boy and can't go on the trip.

I don't see it as "telling tales" and had never intended on telling the teacher what had actually happened but just something along the lines of recent behavior has not been acceptable etc without actually going into details. If he can't go on the trip the teacher will need some sort of explanation, that is why I have to go to the school. I'm actually in 2 minds about the trip now.

I also said it wasn't about the actual money, I know it's not a lot, it's about the deceit and the fact that he knew what he was doing was wrong but did it anyway.

My son knows he can always come to us for anything and apart from this has always done. If it was money he needed depending on how much it was he may be asked to do chores around the house to earn it. This is why it is upsetting for me. He didn't have to behave like he did.

Cs2 · 17-12-2013 10:01pm

any chance he is being bullied
and the money taken off him or is he buying them for someone else
chores are a great incentive to receive pocket money
does he receive pocket money?

he should be left go on his trip or you could end up with a very sad and emotion child
but make him work for it after

i would feel gutted as well but i would try and think outside the box as well

you should speak to a liason offier in the school and maybe get a teacher to keep as eye on
him. not everything is personal.

mother of 3

1 asd dyspraxic
1 dyspraxic
1 adhd

i have learnt not to jump in with both feet

doesnt stop me screaming at them though

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 10:02pm

"He didn't have to behave like he did"....

No really, I offer my general concerns on your final comment here.

It's OK coming onto a computer to let of steam and seek a bit or parental friendship and sharing. But, I am in total disagreement with your last comment. He's 12!

Shark · 17-12-2013 10:17pm

Yes he is 12 and he knows the difference between right and wrong. Now that's not to say he is a model child or anything. Of course he not. I find what he done to be unacceptable especially as he had no need to do it. He knew it was wrong.

DTA338 · 17-12-2013 10:22pm

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. He lied to the tune of six euro. Hardly crime of the century.

You seem like the overbearing, bubble wrapping, mollycoddler type of parent (based on what I have read in your posts) and I promise he will hate you for it. I am not condoning his behaviour but your reaction is hardly fair either.
And this ''its the fact that he lied'' argument does not fly. He is 12. You are a grown woman. Is it really so emotionally crippling that he told you a lie? If it is I would start looking for help because in 3 - 4 years time you will not know what hit you.

He is getting to the age where he will push his luck. He is also at the age where his moral compass will be finding its direction. If you come down on him like a ton of bricks on this small thing he will not forget it. I promise you that.

Going to see his teacher is overkill. Let him go on his trip. Why punish him with grounding, Xbox removal and no trip? That's double jeopardy. Its not fair on him.

To quote Mrs. Brown ''All children rob.''

I had parents who used similar methods to yourself and they ruined my childhood and I now hate them. So chill out and stop over-thinking it.

Shark · 17-12-2013 11:11pm

DTA338 wrote: »

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. He lied to the tune of six euro. Hardly crime of the century.

You seem like the overbearing, bubble wrapping, mollycoddler type of parent (based on what I have read in your posts) and I promise he will hate you for it. I am not condoning his behaviour but your reaction is hardly fair either.
And this ''its the fact that he lied'' argument does not fly. He is 12. You are a grown woman. Is it really so emotionally crippling that he told you a lie? If it is I would start looking for help because in 3 - 4 years time you will not know what hit you.

He is getting to the age where he will push his luck. He is also at the age where his moral compass will be finding its direction. If you come down on him like a ton of bricks on this small thing he will not forget it. I promise you that.

Going to see his teacher is overkill. Let him go on his trip. Why punish him with grounding, Xbox removal and no trip? That's double jeopardy. Its not fair on him.

To quote Mrs. Brown ''All children rob.''

I had parents who used similar methods to yourself and they ruined my childhood and I now hate them. So chill out and stop over-thinking it.

Well you have made a hell of a lot of assumptions there most of which are untrue. You may think that the punishment is harsh but there is no need for what you just said. There are plenty of people who have posted here constructively whether they agreed or not but didn't reduce themselves to such a hostile and a very insulting post.

I'm sorry for what happened to you in your childhood and I'll have you know that I was brought up in a very abusive home so don't lecture me about effects parents behaviors has on children.

I have made sure my children never suffer what I did but at the same time they need to learn right from wrong. They know there are consequences for bad behavior but there is also great praise and rewards for good behavior. I may have gone a little too far as I'll admit I was angry and yes I am disappointed in him on this occasion.

I had already said I was rethinking the trip and that has been down to constructive advice I have been given from some posters here.

BorneTobyWilde · 17-12-2013 11:41pm

To say the OP is overbearing is wrong, that's just you're opinion. Personally I think it's great that OP is trying to raise her kid right, is there for him and teaching him important values. I disagree that this means he will grow up to hate her. I think the opposite is true. It's at this age that parents should be teaching kids right from wrong but so many let their kids run wild and never teach them the values they need ,and it's reflected in today's society .

Kettleson · 17-12-2013 11:56pm

Shark wrote: »

Well you have made a hell of a lot of assumptions there most of which are untrue. You may think that the punishment is harsh but there is no need for what you just said. There are plenty of people who have posted here constructively whether they agreed or not but didn't reduce themselves to such a hostile and a very insulting post.

I'm sorry for what happened to you in your childhood and I'll have you know that I was brought up in a very abusive home so don't lecture me about effects parents behaviors has on children.

I have made sure my children never suffer what I did but at the same time they need to learn right from wrong. They know there are consequences for bad behavior but there is also great praise and rewards for good behavior. I may have gone a little too far as I'll admit I was angry and yes I am disappointed in him on this occasion.

I had already said I was rethinking the trip and that has been down to constructive advice I have been given from some posters here.

Some inherent anger issues here?

del88 · 17-12-2013 11:58pm

Hi
It's perfectly normal for kids/teens to test the boundaries of their parents rules and regulations ...I'd be more worried about 12 year olds that didn't push it a bit...by the way your response sounds perfectly normal to me and I'm sure as you gain experience in raising teenagers you feel less of a need to seek advice from at times opinionated strangers and trust your own judgment...best of luck ..;-)

mossieh · 17-12-2013 11:59pm

I'd be similarly bothered in the same situation, tbh. It's a matter of trust and I don't think your punishments are over the top. The fact that he apologised and seems genuinely regretful is a good sign. It suggests that he is being well brought up and has good values (the odd bit of childhood madness aside). The relative severity of the punishment should have a 'short sharp shock' effect on him at what is a crucial juncture in his life and the lesson should stick with him.

To add, I know it's not the crime of the century but it does merit a strong response in my opinion. Little boys becoming teenage boys will throw you the odd curveball; making sure they know where the line is drawn is important.

The fact that you are soul-searching over this shows that you are engaged with his needs and are trying not to overdo things. Trust your instincts on this, you know him better than anyone.

CarMe · 18-12-2013 12:06am

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. It's pretty normal behaviour from your son (just don't tell him that!) and it sounds like he's remorseful enough, don't traumatized him!

You'll have to deal with loads of situations like this OP you need to be prepared to deal with a few fibs, maybe mitching etc in a calm controlled way.

anncoates · 18-12-2013 12:07am

Some pretty passive aggressive ganging up going on in this thread no?

Kettleson · 18-12-2013 12:09am

anncoates wrote: »

Some pretty passive aggressive ganging up going on in this thread no?

No. Only if you are looking to stir it up. It's all fair comment.

mossieh · 18-12-2013 12:19am

anncoates wrote: »

Some pretty passive aggressive ganging up going on in this thread no?

I think so. It might not be intended as such but it comes across as dismissive or belittling of the OP. Uncalled-for.

Tar.Aldarion · 18-12-2013 12:22am

The fact that this is so shocking to you shows that he is doing pretty well as a kid tbh. I'd echo others and say reduce the punishment trip-wise as it seems like he will learn his lesson from removal of the xbox. Showing him some leniency isn't just a sign of weakness or alluding to him getting away with things, you alsotalk to him and explain to him why he can go on it, that he was apologetic and has been a good child thus far and so on and that you just need to let him know some things can't be condoned.

The attacking of the OP, who only wants to be fair and is worried, seems a bit much. People can make a point without being a jerk.

saltyjack silverblade · 18-12-2013 12:24am

I did the same thing when I was his age. And now look at me-I'm a lawyer. It's all legit! Wait....on second thoughts.....

But seriously I don't think even the threat of saying 'we are going to the teacher' should be batted around. No matter how discreet you think you are being the teacher will know and will wonder why you are bringing home issues into class. Are you sure there is a trip? The lack of a permission slip is curious.I thought it was needed for insurance purposes etc.

Kettleson · 18-12-2013 12:27am

mossieh wrote: »

I think so. It might not be intended as such but it comes across as dismissive or belittling of the OP. Uncalled-

I'd appreciate if you could give examples of opinions that are "uncalled-for" .

Kettleson · 18-12-2013 12:47am

saltyjack silverblade wrote: »

I did the same thing when I was his age. And now look at me-I'm a lawyer. It's all legit! Wait....on second thoughts.....

But seriously I don't think even the threat of saying 'we are going to the teacher' should be batted around. No matter how discreet you think you are being the teacher will know and will wonder why you are bringing home issues into class. Are you sure there is a trip? The lack of a permission slip is curious.I thought it was needed for insurance purposes etc.

Ah come on, we don't need to bring in Hercule Poirot on this one. There is a Christmas trip. And it won't be the teacher who is wondering why "home issues" are being brought into class, it's the kids. They can detect "home issues" from 3 blocks away, AND they can use it for a multitude of purposes, and not all good ones.

mossieh · 18-12-2013 12:52am

Kettleson wrote: »

mossieh wrote: »

I think so. It might not be intended as such but it comes across as dismissive or belittling of the OP. Uncalled-for.

I'd appreciate if you could give examples of opinions that are "uncalled-for" .

It's not a long thread, figure it out. I'm going to bed.

m'lady · 18-12-2013 1:07am

I can't believe that a mod has not intervened here- a concerned parent posts a thread looking for advice and it's appears she/he is bring psychoanalysed by another poster? I've seen people on Boards being suspended for less.

OP I do think you should rethink the school trip, but hold onto the xbox and let him do a few chores. I don't accept that you shouldn't be upset, I know I would be deeply hurt to be honest. It's been mentioned and I'll say it again, could he be getting bullied?

the_syco · 18-12-2013 1:16am

Shark wrote: »

So in he comes today and I asked for the permission form and he said his teacher said he doesn't need one.

Ring the school, and check if there has been any trips, or if there are any coming up.

Darkglasses · 18-12-2013 1:49am

the_syco wrote: »

Ring the school, and check if there has been any trips, or if there are any coming up.

She's going to see the teacher in the morning, it's in the op

saltyjack silverblade · 18-12-2013 1:51am

Kettleson wrote: »

Ah come on, we don't need to bring in Hercule Poirot on this one. There is a Christmas trip. And it won't be the teacher who is wondering why "home issues" are being brought into class, it's the kids. They can detect "home issues" from 3 blocks away, AND they can use it for a multitude of purposes, and not all good ones.

Well the OP didn't say if she had in fact received a permission slip. Schools freak out at the idea of them not being accounted for. My mother taught for many years and said they were the bane of her life- and that was for 16/17 year olds. Couldn't imagine a school not producing some kind of slip for the parent to sign.

Donaldio · 18-12-2013 2:17am

I think this really very normal ! Even if he seems just a little baby this is about the right age for him to start doing some things on his own. So he tricked you for a little money for sweets his will has sucumb to the sweets and crisps its quite normal and not so serious a crime i think.

He understands you are a source for cash and that cash can get him a few sweets and bars or whatever but in fairness he probarbly does not grasp at all the much greater economics of money like haveing to work to earn it or that you need to have money to pay for the much more serious stuff in life like bills feul food etc probarbly he does not get that yet.

He has to do his own thing at some point i supose you could explain to him a bit about money and that if you want nice things or even basic things you have to work for them or that you yourself have a limited income and would much prefer him to be honest with you like if wants money for sweets he could ask you and you "might" give him a little bit of pocket money.

I think your disciplining him is probarbly the right to do to !
But it is really a very normal and harmless enough episode i think.

wonderfullife · 18-12-2013 3:03am

Shark wrote: »

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I am so disappointed in him and just so upset that he would do this. He only ever has to ask for anything that he needs and depending on how much he needed might be asked to do jobs around the house to help earn it.

As punishment I have removed his xbox (which he adores) and will be going to see his teacher in the morning to let him know that my son is not to go on the trip. He has also been given a very stern talking to and sent to his room for the evening.

... But thenI trusted him and I never thought he do this.

I know it's only a small amount of money but thats not the point. I feel he effectively stole from me and lied to me.

Holy Mother of God.

So your 12 year old kid told a few porky pies to get a few bob more...... and this is how you react??????

First of all, you say "he only ever has to ask if he wants money for something".

Well his actions show otherwise. If all he had to do was ask, and he wanted sweets, then he'd have asked. Fact of the matter is he told a few fibs as either a) he felt he couldn't ask or b) you'd have said no or c) worse, created an argument over the fact he asked in the first place.

Second of all, a teacher would laugh you out of the building if you went and said "right so my kid fibbed and got a few quid off me for sweets so i'm not letting him go on a trip". They couldn't give a monkeys! They might pacify you and say oh yeah of course no problem and inside be thinking "what is she on??".

There's 12 year olds out there (plenty of them) smoking, drinking, robbing from shops, not going to school etc. On the face of it your kid did what? Told a porky to buy some sweets!!!

Anyway as people have suggested he may still be lying to you and have used the money to buy you a nicer xmas present with the money. Kids are not fantastic liars as you may have noticed. He might have saw something he wanted to get you and thought he'd show some initiative and get enough to buy it for you. If that's the case he'd still lie and you'd have ruined his efforts.

If the money has anything whatsoever to do with bullying that's a different kettle of fish. If the money has anything to do with fags, then ok you can deal with that too it's not as serious as bullying (almost all teens try them at some stage).

But if the story is as simple as him telling a few porky pies to buy sweets then obviously he doesn't feel he can "ask you for anything".

Instead of grounding him, reducing him to tears, going to the teacher, forbidding him from his x-box (incidentally a week before xmas!! scrooge!) take a look in the mirror!! He's 12! you've got to be at least 27 probably older. He made a very very very SLIGHT mistake here. Sounds like a good kid! And he showed a bit of initiative and moxy in my books. Lateral thinking.

Disproportionate, outlandish punishments for slight mistakes .......it can only get worse i'm afraid. Wait til he's 14 or 15 and tries the fags, booze, lies to spend time with a girl he fancies etc etc.....you're gonna have him grounded for life if this is how you react over this!!

What do I do? 12 yr old has lied and deceived me.

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